Grutman and Friends Talk Wrestling

Live journal of Hardygrrl Live journal of Joshua Grutman.

GRUTMAN: First Blade, then Gloomchen, and now Joshua Grutman is proud to bring to you another girl who mentioned his name and writes well, the winner of the Inside Pulse Forum’s poetry contest, Hardygrrl!

HARDYGRRL: Thank you Grut.

GRUTMAN: My pleasure. I’ve always wondered, how does a girl who doesn’t want to become a wrestler become interested in professional wrestling?

HARDYGRRL: Honestly, at first it was the cartoonish nature of it and a few of the men. Then I got hooked into the storylines. I’ve watched wrestling back when Hogan *shudder* first broke out. I took a few years off because it got too silly and then got back into it again just as Austin was breaking out.

GRUTMAN: That’s exactly what I did. I flipped it on, but it was hard to watch during the Yokozuna years, God bless his gigantic heart.

HARDYGRRL: It went from fun campy to train wreck campy. There has to be something, even something small, that you can believe in. That was lost for a few years.

GRUTMAN: Yeah, I agree, something small. They never should have gotten rid of the midgets.

HARDYGRRL: Midgets are like spice – just a touch. Too much ruins the flavor.

GRUTMAN: They freak the hell out of me. Tiny little hands. Now then, as you may or may not know the year is drawing to an end.

HARDYGRRL: I was aware of that (is still thinking about Grut’s midget hand phobia)

GRUTMAN: Tiny little fingers…

HARDYGRRL: Are you sure this is a phobia and not a hidden fetish?

GRUTMAN: Possibly both. I am fully erect. Anyway, the end of the year signifies it’s time for a bunch of jerks to talk about who was the best wrestler of the year. I propose that we be those two jerks.

HARDYGRRL: Sure. Why not? Just type with both hands, Sparky.

GRUTMAN: Sparky?! Why I never! Spanky, sure! Sir Masturbation III, plenty. BUT SPARKY?!

HARDYGRRL: I figured it was more polite than WankBoy.

GRUTMAN: I like WankBoy the Brave.

HARDYGRRL: I have *some* couth. Not much but it’s there.

GRUTMAN: I believe it. Now then woman, who was the best wrestler of the year? Oh, may I call you woman?

HARDYGRRL: As long as both hands are visible, sure. Call me woman. Characterwise, I would go with Triple H. Like him or hate him, he is the best heel out there. Not as good in the ring as he used to be but he was given a persona and ran with it.

GRUTMAN: Wow, dad was right. Women are stupid. Look Hardygrrl, this was a terrible year for Raw.

HARDYGRRL: No shit, Grut. Worse year for Smackdown.

GRUTMAN: Yes, and that’s why JBL won’t be getting my vote.

HARDYGRRL: I can’t really think of a person on Smackdown who doesn’t in some way turn me off.

GRUTMAN: Kurt Angle, but he’s not my choice either. Triple H proved this year beyond a shadow of a doubt that he doesn’t deserve to be the number one anything. He was best when Austin and Rock and Foley were there to carry the company. He was a high end role player.

HARDYGRRL: I give him points for character. Sure, it’s over the top but that’s basically what wrestling is. There’s no crying in baseball and there’s no subtext in wrestling.

GRUTMAN: But there should be. And this year there was. Two men feuded over a woman in a feud that started out as disgustingly corny and turned into one of the best I’ve ever seen.

HARDYGRRL: Jericho and Christian?

GRUTMAN: Yep. And that’s why my wrestler of the year is Trish Stratus.

HARDYGRRL: Ah, another great heel.

GRUTMAN: From the top face on Raw to the top heel, she did it ALL this year. Triple H did what he does every year, give 20 minute interviews that could be said in 30 seconds and have matches that are only as good as his opponent.

HARDYGRRL: I will give her a lot of credit for improving her ring style, especially when you know the WWE could care less how she performs as long as she behaves and looks good. And that’s why I would never want to be a wrestler, boys and girls.

GRUTMAN: Because the management treats women like crap?

HARDYGRRL: Exactly. Trish should have gotten the push she did without going through some of the most humiliating scenarios ever written. That’s a love for the business when you don’t walk out when they say “oh, by the way, we’re going to make you bark like a dog while crawling on the floor in your underwear”.

GRUTMAN: That was in the beginning! She went from a joke slut to carrying the woman’s division!

HARDYGRRL: Name one female wrestler who hasn’t had something like that happen to her.

GRUTMAN: Nidia. Wait… no.

HARDYGRRL: She was stalking Hurricane.

GRUTMAN: Victoria was insane….

HARDYGRRL: Molly had a fat ass.

GRUTMAN: Okay, fair enough. You’re talking about yesterday though. This year, Trish had a great romantic angle that led to an incredible heel turn.

HARDYGRRL: Incredible but predictable.

GRUTMAN: So? She followed that up with great match after great match, great interview after great interview. She gives the best promo on Raw at the moment.

HARDYGRRL: She is a great heel and was really improved on the mike, I will give her that. But how far can she really take it, especially with the changes in the Diva lineup?

GRUTMAN: Fine, so next year it all goes down the drain! This year she’s the best.

HARDYGRRL: It’s one thing to pull a great match out of Lita, who has in-ring experience. Try that with Cristi.

GRUTMAN: Fine! Tell Triple H to pull out a 3 star match out of me.

HARDYGRRL: When she does a Canadian Destroyer, then I’ll agree fully. At least I didn’t pick Benoit. 😛

GRUTMAN: Hey, me neither. Look, if Triple H was anything this year, he was inconsistent. Trish has been the model of consistency.

HARDYGRRL: I almost picked Jericho but I recognize my bias. I like him better as a heel than a face.

GRUTMAN: Really? I think he does great in both positions. The only reason I didn’t pick him, and I almost did, is that he’s content to be Roddy Piper. He should be the top face. He should be fighting for it. But nope, he doesn’t care.

HARDYGRRL: He’s too smarmy on the mike to be a convincing face in my opinion. I get the feeling he said “screw it, steady job even in the midcard” and that’s why I didn’t pick him.

GRUTMAN: There’s also a debate about least improved and most improved. I don’t want to get into those, but Jericho wins the award for least movement. Although his feud with Trish and Christian was killer.

HARDYGRRL: It was but he didn’t capitalize on it.

GRUTMAN: Oh well. So you haven’t defended Triple H enough. Get on it.

HARDYGRRL: Yes sir! Characterwise (not ring wise because he’s slowed down horribly since the quad tear), he has been the top heel at Raw. He brought back the idea of a stable and pulled that off very well, giving Orton and (it looks like) Batista some good rubs/pushes. I think the fact that a good chunk of the IWC gets so frothingly mad over him is proof positive he is effective as a character. Granted, he had Flair’s help but as WCW proved, Flair can’t make gold out of shit.

GRUTMAN: Agreed. 2000 HHH was one of the greatest of all time, and 2004 HHH was vastly superior to 2003 Triple H. But what irks me is that his interviews are terrible. They are god awful terrible bad. He rambles on and on and on and on and repeats himself and rerepeats himself… JESUS!

HARDYGRRL: Not everyone’s a Jericho or a Foley – plus I think the crappiness is intentional. He’s out there to piss you off.

GRUTMAN: Yes, but you’ve been a fan for as long as I have. You know there’s a difference between boring bad and bad.

HARDYGRRL: That’s why Flair is out there – you can always look at Flair.

GRUTMAN: Hunter has obviously studied Flair’s moves. He does a little homage to him every now and then. What Hunter needs to do is study Flair’s interviews.

HARDYGRRL: I see it as he wants to piss off the crowd and granted by reactions, he does. Yes, he could be more articulate. I have a drinking game where you drink every time he says “uhh”.

GRUTMAN: And you’re dead by the end of the night.

HARDYGRRL: Plus him going out there and talking for a long time gives the chance for the face to interrupt. Dead or needing a new liver.

GRUTMAN: Yes. Why can’t the face interrupt, I dunno, five minutes in to the promo? Quite possibly the worst 10 minutes of television, possibly more, that I have ever seen was when Triple H offered Maven the chance to join Evolution. He quickly made the offer and explained why Maven should take it.

HARDYGRRL: That tops the Patterson/Briscoe Evening Gown Hardcore Match?

GRUTMAN: Yes! Because then Hunter said the same thing at least 20 TIMES!

HARDYGRRL: You pick THAT over middle aged men hitting each other with a kotex?
HARDYGRRL: *grumbles* and you question my taste?

GRUTMAN: Yes! That was quick and painless. You knew when the bell rang it was over. You could somehow forget. But Triple H kept pausing like it was finished, AND THEN HE KEPT ON GOING! Chinese water torture. “Just think about it Maven… Just think about it.” Pause. “Because you have a choice tonight!”

HARDYGRRL: That’s nothing new and it was funny to watch him try to be Friendly Trips. He’s your buddy! He’s your pal!

GRUTMAN: HE’S BORING ME TO DEATH! And what’s you wanna know what’s worse? The week recently with HHH pretending to feud with Batista? Great promo! Great character work. Brilliant one week, trainwreck the nect.

HARDYGRRL: So does a lot of the roster, if you think about it. Edge as an angry heel is such a trainwreck.

GRUTMAN: Yes. The biggest part of the trainwreck is that they had the character down perfectly.

HARDYGRRL: Snarky heel yes, angry heel no.

GRUTMAN: Reading the book, the five second pose with the finger… a wrestler with no passion. The anti-Shawn Michaels. It was perfect. Now it’s all, “I DESERVE TO BE CHAMPION BLAH BLAH WAH BLAH!”

HARDYGRRL: Exactly – went from smart ass to whiny bitch. “His feet touched FIRST!”

GRUTMAN: This is what confuses me most of all about WWE. They have something great in Edge and ruin it. They had something great in Greg Helms, comic book fan, and ruined it.

HARDYGRRL: I would be entertained if he did a dramatic reading of the ass soaping scene from his book though. Maybe THAT’S why he turned. Has the WWE ever been intentionally successful with a so-called “smaller” man?

GRUTMAN: No. You mean in attitude, not size, right? I’m stupid.

HARDYGRRL: They’ll give Mark Henry more pushes than Popeye’s has wings but they will drop the ball on a Helms. Both, actually.

GRUTMAN: Oh! You did mean size. Sure they have. Shawn Michaels. Eddie. Benoit. You can even make a case for Rey.

HARDYGRRL: I don’t think those were intentional at first. Once they saw crowd reaction, then they pushed them.

GRUTMAN: And they just built and then forgot about a monster in Billy Kidman. Add that to another thing WWE has perfected and ruined.

HARDYGRRL: They couldn’t ignore history – ergo Rey’s push at first. Remember what they did to Eddie at first. “Eddie, we love your work. Now go be Chyna’s boyfriend”. No wonder the guy had a drug problem.

GRUTMAN: Yes, but that was awesome. I’m not sure if Eddie or Chyna ever looked like they were having more fun.

HARDYGRRL: But that’s not really the best way to push someone as a serious main eventer, is it? He got the title eventually, much later.

GRUTMAN: Back then there was no chance he’d be a serious main eventer.

HARDYGRRL: True, the scene was too clogged. Question for you – your opinion on Bob Holly?

GRUTMAN: What about him? I don’t think he’s particularly good looking.

HARDYGRRL: The incidents of him injuring people, sometimes intentionally.

GRUTMAN: Oh, that! Well, some people are just jerks. His actions don’t bother me all that much. I’m not offended by it or anything. If I was a professional wrestler, I’d do everything within my power not to get in the ring with him. But I’m not. So Bobby’s a dick and I don’t care.
HARDYGRRL: I’m just amazed he still has a job. He stinks up the ring, sucks on the mike AND has a tendency to get rough. I could do that, think they’ll give me a contract?

GRUTMAN: You have a tendency to get rough, eh? I think I might give you a contract.
GRUTMAN: God I need a rim shot.

HARDYGRRL: That last line can be taken so many ways

GRUTMAN: No, I’m thinking of it sexually. But really, who gives a crap about a Bob Holly?
HARDYGRRL: I figured. Now both hands on the keyboard I figured I’d throw it out there since someone hasn’t written an opinion piece in SOOO long..

GRUTMAN: I just did one with Jennette. You read it. Honestly, if the only reason that people are talking about you is that you hurt people on purpose, you don’t deserve to have your name mentioned. Unless the other person wants you to hurt them. Now about that contract I was offering: 6 years, four hundred dollars a year.

HARDYGRRL: Good point. Reminds me of people I will not name.

GRUTMAN: Fair enough.

HARDYGRRL: Four hundred a year? Heh.

GRUTMAN: I have a pull out sofa bed you can sleep on. So, you like the Hardyzzz?

HARDYGRRL: Not as much as I used to be once the name got established. I am smart to recognize that Jeff sucks as a performer but I still find him attractive. Oooh, a WHOLE sofa bed or do I have to share it?

GRUTMAN: Well, I do have mice. And they’re used to the bed, so you know, work it out with them.

HARDYGRRL: And who could resist such an alluring offer?

GRUTMAN: Too many women I’ve found.

HARDYGRRL: Well some people will do anything for crack, sweetie.

GRUTMAN: Yes they will, God bless them. So is Jeff Hardy still hot with the 18 colors in his hair?

HARDYGRRL: To me, yes. He’s mancandy. Fun to look at, sweet to taste, really bad for you.

GRUTMAN: He’s the kind of guy who’ll read you poetry all night and then try to sleep with me.

HARDYGRRL: Can I watch?

GRUTMAN: Ewww. No!

HARDYGRRL: Heh. Sure, if I said me and Victoria, you’d want to watch but I’m the perv for wanting to see you and Jeff. Sheesh

GRUTMAN: Hey!
GRUTMAN: Umm…
GRUTMAN: Hey!

HARDYGRRL: Hey?

GRUTMAN: Listen… lesbians are awesome. Gay guys are cool too, plenty of gay friends, but lesbians… Hey!

HARDYGRRL: Typical 😛

GRUTMAN: I am so not typical! I wrote a play about homophobia! I used it to score liberal chicks.

HARDYGRRL: When the mice don’t work (“but babe, it’s just like Cinderella except the Prince isn’t wearing pants”), go for the writing.

GRUTMAN: It’s a two pronged plan. “Baby, you ever see the movie Willard? Where are you going? HOMOPHOBIA SUCKS!”

HARDYGRRL: “I’m sensitive, now how about you getting naked”

GRUTMAN: Oh, I never ask them to take their clothes off. Never. I simply get naked and stare at them expectantly.

HARDYGRRL: Not verbally. Just puppy eyes and pleading gestures. Well sign me up! Sleeping on a sofa bed, ducking mice and being followed by a naked guy. All for four hundred dollars a year!

GRUTMAN: And all the bagels you can eat. I am Jewish after all.

HARDYGRRL: So am I. Listen to me whine and watch me shop.

GRUTMAN: AGH! No.

HARDYGRRL: I’m kidding. I’m not a Princess. Related to several but have fought it off.

GRUTMAN: Most female wrestling fans are already cool in my book.

HARDYGRRL: Which ones aren’t? The “OMG, Orton is SO HOT!” ones?

GRUTMAN: Pretty much. You scored major points in my book before we even spoke.
GRUTMAN: 1. Tom Wolfe.
GRUTMAN: 2. South Park.
GRUTMAN: 3. Wrestling.

HARDYGRRL: My hatred of having strangers touch me

GRUTMAN: 4. Buffy.
GRUTMAN: 5. Touchy strangers.
GRUTMAN: 6. You plugged my column.
GRUTMAN: Hardygrrl, you are a good person.

HARDYGRRL: A while ago, granted, but I had to. And thank you.

GRUTMAN: You had to? Did I force you?

HARDYGRRL: I wanted to make sure people who didn’t go to the site saw it.

GRUTMAN: Yeah. Wanna hear something funny?

HARDYGRRL: No forcing…yet. And sure. Funny me.

GRUTMAN: I was incredibly proud of the Bradshaw column. Now I’m not sure if I should have written it. The guy is a dick, like Bob. He said mean things about us internet fans. Just a complete dick. That being said, who the hell am I to rejoice in another man’s downfall?

HARDYGRRL: You’re human.

GRUTMAN: Exactly! As a human, there will come a time when I will make a mistake, a big mistake, and my enemies will stand there and mock me as I crumble.

HARDYGRRL: And what he did went beyond pure dickishness to really offensive. Feh, you live through crumbling and rebuild.

GRUTMAN: Yeah. Agreed. I think I should have put more of the focus on the fact that what he did was offensive in that he was only trying to get cheap heat. It was more a celebration of his ruin.

HARDYGRRL: A well deserved ruin. Granted, wrestling isn’t the most PC forum (hello Snitsky) but some things are just going too far.

GRUTMAN: See, I think Snitsky is awesome. They finally figured out how to do offensive without being offensive. You just need to do it to such an extreme that it’s ridiculous. Like Jeff Jarrett beating the crap out of women.

HARDYGRRL: It’s just cartoony enough. Jarrett was locking on the figure four at the same time they were running the Chaz abusing Marianna stuff.

GRUTMAN: Exactly. Chaz and Marianna WAS offensive. The difference is subtlety.

HARDYGRRL: Especially the ending of “oh, I was making it all up”.

GRUTMAN: Yeah, that was crap. I had actually forgotten that.

HARDYGRRL: Lack of subtlety is what puts it over. The less realistic the better.

GRUTMAN: Exactly. You’re so smart.

HARDYGRRL: This from the man who called me stupid a while back? 😛

GRUTMAN: Look, that was during the argument. I was a character. Now I’m just Josh, and I think you’re smart and funny. Hey, did I tell you about my play about homophobia?

HARDYGRRL: Thanks. You’re not too bad yourself and nice try 😛

GRUTMAN: Actually, I’d say that was a horrible try.

If you enjoyed this and would like to see more of Hardygrrl, send me an e-mail at VPJG@aol.com. Thanks a lot for reading.