Hi everybody! Welcome to another fun-filled edition of The Gatekeeper’s Guide! The only place to be totally filled with everything but the fun! Well, according to some anyway. We’ve got some quality stuff this week, so let’s get to it, eh?
I’d also like to take a moment, before I jump into the news this week, I’d like to bring up something non-movie related, but still fairly large news in the entertainment realm (In the sense that all forms of entertainment are inter-connected). This week, Electronic Arts, video game super-publisher, signed an exclusive contract with the NFL regarding the future of the video games. I’d like to seriously point you in the direction of Michael O’Reilly, writer for the Games section of Inside Pulse. He has done an excellent write up of why this is a very bad thing, and I just want to give him crazy kudos and accolades for it. Then, I’d like to point you to to this piece of news and where you can sign a petition to show the higher ups of the NFL how bad this really is. Yours truly has signed, and I encourage everyone to do so. Great job, game guys.
Grab Bag – Feedback Style
Well, the trickling in of feedback/e-mail/love is still slower than….umm, slow. But, be that as it may, there are still two new e-mails this week, and so long as they exist, this section of the column will exist, BY GAWD! (Copyright, Jim Ross).
First, a Mr. Ramesh Hassan has sent me a letter, politely starting it off with dear friend. Aww, I love being a friend to a Middle Eastern man I’ve never met. It turns out that he has un-treatable disease of some sort. In order to please his God or….whatever, he is giving his money away (he’s apparently a rich man) to charity and the like. He gave his family money to give away and they kept it, the bastards. So now he wants ME to take $32,000,000 from him and give it away to charity. And all he wants from ME is my personal address, phone number, and fax information. Oh, and bank account. The nice Muslim wants my bank account. Yes. I see nothing wrong with this. In exchange for thirty-two million dollars in American cash, all I need to do is send a reply e-mail. Which I was all set to do, until I realized one thing.
This man had not included movies anywhere what-so-ever in his e-mail. I guess it’s a fake huh? *Sigh* Next.
Finally, it turns out that some where, some how, I won an International Lottery where I have been approved for five hundred thousand US dollars. “Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information very confidential till your claims has been processed and your prize/money remitted to you.” Oops. All I have to do to get my money is call some dude at this number: 31-621-488-708. Yeah, I dial….whatever the hell that is, and my phone bill will be higher than my winnings.
I still hate you all, but I’m willing to forgive, forget, and spread the loving next week. Plenty of options for feedback, as you’ll shortly see. But for now, it’s time for the news.
News You Can Use, and WE Abuse
J. Kern and myself return for week two of news commentary/parody/comedy/whatever you’d like to call it. We have some ideas for ways to do this, but A) No one gave any feedback if this way was actually bad (Though one person likes it) and B) We haven’t had time/will power/interest in doing it another way quite yet. Anyway, the way this works is the headline is in bold, the actual news story is underneath, and then both Kern and myself offer various remarks on said stories.
Golden Globe Nominees Announced
The 2005 Golden Globe Awards nominees have been announced. The Golden Globes will take place on January 16. Click here for the full list.
Norty: Noticably missing, to the anger of some, is Garden State. Many consider that the best of the bunch this year. And what the hell is Eternal Sunshine doing in the musical or comedy category?
Kern: I agree. Anything even remotely associated with Jim Carrey needs its own category. Preferably something out by the dumpster.
Norty: You dislike Carrey too? What the…..why?
Kern …there are not enough letters in the English language to express my distaste for the man and his projects. I’ve got a little box where I keep Carrey, Keanu Reeves (post-Point Break) and Tom Cruise (with scattered exceptions).
Norty: So, no reason noted. Tsk tsk. Otherwise, few comments on the Globes at this time. Next
Kern: No reason? Fine. Because talking with your butt, to me, is the comedic equivalent of genocide. If Adolf Hitler had reformed and started giving money to charity, it wouldn’t matter. BECAUSE HE COMITTED GENOCIDE AND SOME CRAP YOU DON’T FORGIVE.
Norty: You scare me sometimes….
Madonna to Appear in Revolver
Madonna will appear in husband’s Guy Ritchie new film, Revolver. Scenes that feature her are said to have already been shot secretly on the Isle of Man. A source said: “Everyone knows Madonna gets what she wants and she still loves to act. One of the things that most attracted her to Guy was the fact that he is a film director – she is fascinated by his art.” Ritchie defended his wife’s acting abilities with the Oxford University Union: “We had the absolute faeces kicked out of us. But I’ve got to say, I still think it’s a good film. I’m left shaking my head.” Revolver also stars Jason Statham and Ray Liotta, and will be released in 2005.
Norty: God I hate Madonna. Wish she’d take her new-found ‘religious self’ and just disappear. Forever.
Kern: I’m just trying to figure out how “We had the absolute faeces kicked out of us.” can in any way be construed as a defense of a spouse’s acting abilities. Nowadays, any announcement of a Madonna acting project is good news from me. Or rather, my column.
Three New Projects for Disney; All Are Re-Adaptations
Mandeville Films managed to get their long-delayed Swiss Family Robinson going, with the help of scribe Greg Poirier. His first draft about the shipwrecked Swiss family, based on the Johann David Wyss book that takes place in the 1800s, prompted the studio to set a star date. The original 1960 adaptation starred Disney regulars John Mills, Dorothy McGuire and James MacArthur.
Jungle Cruise, a veteran Theme Park ride of Disney’s, will be adapted by Mandeville as a comedic version of Joseph Conrad’s Heart Of Darkness (the basis for Apocalypse Now). Josh Goldstein and John Norville will pen the river-bound adventure.
And finally, Steven Spielberg’s old partner Frank Marshall will soon begin work on a remake of the 1983 Japanese drama Antartica, about a group of scientist forced to abandon their snow dogs in the desolate continent. The pups set to find shelter and try to survive the most hostile region on the planet. Although the movie gained international acclaim, it was better known for its mystical Vangelis soundtrack. Marshall hopes to get his cast and crew ready for a Feb 22 start.
Norty: No real original work in sight. How terribly….saddening.
Kern: As regards Disney remakes: I will watch anthing starring Lindsay Lohan’s boobs. As regards Disney remakes of Joseph Conrad works: that sounds like as good an idea as my idea of adapting Mein Kampf starring Jim Carrey. You look at me funny now, but let me just say this: WWII Looney Tunes. And as regards Snow Dogs 2: A) where’s Cuba Gooding and B) the only thing anybody remembers about Chariots of Fire is the Vangelis soundtrack, which tells me that the movie is probably a lot of dogs running in slo-mo. I’ll pass.
The Ring 2 Poster
Naomi Watts reprises her role of reporter Rachel Keller, who now lives in Astoria Oregon to try and pick up her life. Reporting on a local death scene leads to her discovering a dreaded piece of evidence: a videotape, indicating she’ll have to face Samara again. Sissy Spacek, Elizabeth Perkins and Simon Baker round up the new cast, under the Japanese original’s director Hideo Nakata. Release is set for March 2005. To check out the poster, click here.
Kern: I’m done with the Ring. If they want me to buy a ticket for the sequel, I WANT DVD TECHNOLOGY. Jebus. Burners only go for sixty bucks now! I feel like it should be set during Little House on the Prarie times with the damn video tape. “G’night, John-boy! Seven days!”
Norton: Valid point. I enjoyed the original as a nice change of pace in the horror genre, but if they’re keeping the same ghost/same general terror and deaths, they’ll need some MAJOR innovation and surprises here to keep audiences, and myself, satisfied. Though setting it on the Prarie…..hmm. Maybe The Ring 3 can be a prequel. God knows THAT’S all the rage these days.
Kern: Renny Harlin is always available for prequels…
“Magneto” Spin-off Officially in the Works
Fox has begun development on a standalone Magneto film and has hired Sheldon Turner (Amityville Horror, The Longest Yard). It appears that the whole idea for the movie rests with Turner who was asked to peruse old X-Men comics to see what character he thought was ripe for a spinoff. He suggested Magneto and shortly thereafter a deal was in place. The film will feature Ian McKellan, but he won’t necessarily star in the movie. Instead, the film will focus on his formative years during and after time spent at a Nazi concentration camp when his powers begin to grow. Charles “Professor X” Xavier will also feature heavily into the film as he was part of the allied force that liberates the camp Magneto is imprisoned in. They become friends when they realize they both have unique abilities. Turner said he pitched the idea as The Pianist meets X-Men. No announcement of when the film will go into development, but Fox is simultaneously developing X-Men 3 (written by Simon Kinberg) and Wolverine.
Kern: I’ve got a great concept for casting the role of Hitler here….
Norty: If you say Jim Carrey, you lose Guide privledges until next Christmas.
Kern: Fine. Three simultaneous franchise pics being produced simultaneously, so they’re sticking to the Marvel mutant marketing strategy of bury ’em in titles, which is nice. Very true to the source material. I say they get Spielberg to direct. It could be all in black and white and Magneto could be the one running around everywhere with a red helmet.
Norty: You know, that joke sounds so familar. But anyway, I agree. I love what they’ve done with the X movies (though the future is uncertain), but they run a real risk of over-exposure here, especially if one of the films isn’t done right. I’d hate to see that happen here.
All of the True Lies Stars, None of the Magic?
True Lies trio California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jamie Lee Curtis and Tom Arnold will reunite in The Kid and I, a new comedy, written and produced by Arnold. Governor Schwarzenegger mentioned that he has a role in the film during an appearance Monday on Fox’s The Best Damn Sports Show Period, which is co-hosted by Arnold. The film, directed by Penelope Spheeris (Wayne’s World), centers on an actor played by Arnold and a teen stricken with cerebral palsy who dreams of starring in an action film. Arnold also announced that Jamie Lee Curtis, who played his wife in True Lies, has filmed a cameo for the film. No word on whom Schwarzenegger is playing in the film yet, but since it revolves around the world of action movies there’s a chance he’ll me merely playing a version of himself. The Kid and I co-stars Joe Mantegna (Joan of Arcadia), Shannon Elizabeth (American Pie), and Linda Hamilton, who worked with Schwarzenegger on the first two Terminator films.
Norty: Good God, talk about potential. What a cast…
Kern: Oh, my. I think I’ve simultaneously orgasmed, screamed in terror and crapped my pants.
Norty: Of course, potential is two fold, and this could be another Around the World for Arnie. Damn it, stop teasing me and give me True Lies 2 already!
Kern: What I’m getting here is let’s take the worst of True Lies (which stands as the best extant example of Misogyny Action Theater we have) combined with the worst of Conan (scrawny boy becomes Strapping Young ‘Roid Freak) combined with the worst of Last Action Hero (okay, all of Last Action Hero is the worst of Last Action Hero). I love Jamie, but I wish she could support herself with her children’s books and stop making cinematic dreck.I love Linda Hamilton. I just wish she could support herself with whatever it is she’s doing so she doesn’t have to do this. Maybe she and Shannon could spin the American Pie movies into a television series so they don’t have to do this kind of crap anymore. Maybe Penelope could continue her series, “The Decline of Western Civilization” with part 4, “The Schwarzenegger Years” and maybe Arnold could, I dunno, BE THE GODDAMN GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA AND STOP MAKING THESE CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP MOVIES!
Norty: Oh good, now I’ve got him worked up….
Notion of a Sequel to Alien vs. Predator!?
Alec Gillies, who with Tom Woodruff Jr runs the special effects company Amalgamated Dynamics Inc, recently dropped some interesting comments on the upcoming Superman film, as well as a possible sequel to Aliens vs Predator. To read some of the highlights, click here.
Norty: It’s not ‘major’ news, but the notion that there’s already so much thought going into AvP 2 is just downright scary AND wrong.
Kern: There comes a point where you have to stop thinking of certain projects as “movies” and just think of them as “marketing opportunities”.
Norty: You know, they could go to the moon with this. I mean, THAT’S not such a far out concept anymore, is it?
Kern: *snaps fingers* I got it! AvP was PG-13 so they could get the teen audience…so what’s left? Disney Studios presents: AvP 2, the animated series! It’ll be great! Instead of acid for blood, Aliens will
have green goo (very merchandisable) and instead of ripping out your spine and skull, the Predators will just do a lovely pencil sketch of you before sending you on your way!
Norty: So, they’ll make fun of you, a la characatures? Definitely would make some people weep, and far more effective then those boring hunt and destroy tactics. Genius.
Kern: They do a dead-on Schwarzenegger, naturally…
Norty: I bet they do a good Danny Glover too.
Kern: Of course.
Kevin Smith, Mark Hamill Involved with TV Star Wars?
As of now, this is technically just a rumor. Some time ago, news spread about George Lucas promising his fans he would keep the Star Wars franchise alive in a medium other than the big screen. Things heated up when rumors popped up about Kevin Smith being involved in a proposed Star Wars television series. Smith himself never denied any such reports, just loosely avoided the question. Word going around now is that such a thing isn’t just an idea anymore. According to the informant, things are pretty much secured in that regard.
A quote making the rounds: “Kevin Smith and Mark Hamill are doing the pilot for a new weekly Star Wars series. It’ll feature Hamill as Skywalker in a ‘pop up now and then’ role, but mostly, it’s new characters, set in the same world as the films.Lots of talk about it here, but don’t expect anything until Episode III is out. Its a go project, but I don’t think there’s much on it yet.”
Kern: Hmm …Lucas – Young Indiana Jones. Smith – Clerks: The Animated Series. Yup! Sounds like a fantastic pedigree for a show that’ll end up as a mid-season replacement and cancelled after four episodes.
Norty: Agreed. I could be wrong, but I don’t see television as a medium of success for Star Wars, especially with all the stigma surrounding the franchise now (Damn you Lucas…)
Kern:Yeah, well, I don’t see Lucas as a medium for success either, to be perfectly frank. Though….maybe it could be set on Endor and we could have Ewoks every week! Or Naboo! Jar Jar’s jive-talkin’ grandson, Uncle Tom-Tom Binks could have a recurring role!
Sean Connery Not Retired – Yet
When veteran Scottish actor Sean Connery reportedly stormed out of his last film, Josiah’s Canon, many speculated that the original 007 was retiring from movie life for good. Not so, according to newspaper Guardian Unlimited. The trade caught up with Connery during the Marrakech Film Festival, where he received a lifetime achievement award from the hands of Laurence Fishburne. His departure, it seems, was mostly due to his commitment towards Harper Collins, for his memoirs. The endeavour proved to be harder than he initially thought, and even painful.
“It is time absorbing and very wearing. It’s the sort of thing that wakes you up in the middle of the night. But it has a therapeutic side,” said the 74-year-old. The actor didn’t hesitate to confirm he would resume his acting life once the memoirs are complete, but only with “an offer I can’t refuse.” During a press conference at the festival, Connery was asked if he would ever shake off his Bond affiliation. “Not yet, it’s with me till I go in the box.”
Norty: Not quite sure what the Bond thing means, actually.
Kern: Fortunately, the Bond franchise is about as lackluster as Connery himself. Honestly, if I wanted to watch a movie about a boozing, whoring hipster with a gun, I’ll watch the Ol’ Dirty Bastard Story. They are gonn make a movie about him, right? Say … I’ve got a great concept for casting ODB!
Norty: Cynical as ever.
News in Brief
Colin Farrell may team with Schumacher in The Crowded Room – Kern: Well, when you average it out, that’s only 1/8 of a rape per personality. Which really isn’t any worse than your average keg party.
Will Ferrell may join Bronze God, a beach volleyball comedy – Norty: Ferrell is the funniest thing to come out of SNL and into the big time in forever. Sounds good so far.
Harrison Ford is set to play one of the main characters in No True Glory: The Battle for Fallujah – Kern: Ah, for simpler days. Back when Reagan was president, there was Us and there was the Evil Empire. Who are we supposed to be now? I guess the Fallujans are the Ewoks, but are we the Rebellion? We’re calling the insurgents the Rebellion, aren’t we? Doesn’t that make us the Evil Empire? But we’re trying to free them, right? So, that’d make us…?
Norty: Damn it Kern. Brief! One LINE!
Kern: I’ve never been much for “rules”.
And the Rest: Frank Darabont may direct another Stephen King work, The Mist; Italian comic book series Dylan Dog, will get the big screen treatment, courtesy of Platinum Studios; Director/Animator Henri Selick is collaborating with Wes Anderson on the feature adaption of Roald Dahl’s The Fantastic Mr. Fox; Kevin Spacey does not see the point in doing another Usual Suspects (Thank GOD).
Trailer of the Week
Usually, every week sees it’s fair share of teaser trailers for upcoming films released, either in front of theatrical releases or on the internet (Or Both). Each week, I pick one of the more popular teasers from the previous week and get the thoughts of the Movies Staff on them. If you’d like to be included in the future on here, Staffers, drop me a line via e-mail or IM.
This weeks trailer: Batman Begins.
Steve “Da Coach” Coogan: I’m not a big fan of “prequels” and I’m not a big fan of the “Batman” film series after what they did to it in the last 2 (or 3) movies. So, I’m a little “Batman’ed out at this point, even if it does have a fresh, new cast and it appears to be telling the Bruce Wayne story in a completely different way. While that’s intriguing, it’s kind of obvious because we know “what happens next” (why I’m not a fan of prequels) and when I think of the franchise, I think of the California Governor as the dopey Mr. Freeze character…sigh…The trailer wasn’t bad actually…Painted an intriguingly dark picture. However, I think trailers should give a pretty good indication what the movie will be about (at least to some degree) and I don’t think the trailer did that really.
Shaun “Da Guru” Norton: Coogan, boss, with all due respect, what the hell trailer did you watch?! This trailer was PERFECT. It blew me away, as a Bat fan and as a movie fan. THIS is the Batman we’ve all waited for. The cast, the director, the story, it’s all finally fallen into place. I can sort of understand Coogan’s reservations with the franchise (They DID screw it up pretty bad) but I expect that kind of reaction from the average fan, not a movie-man like him. Knowing the cast and creativity on screen and off, I don’t see how you can’t be excited. And the trailer not indicating what the movie will be about? You see Bruce struggle, train, learn, build and become Batman. Plus it showed just enough to maintain interest for months to come. June 17th can’t come fast enough!
Michaelangelo “Da Perfect One” McCullar – I’ve gotta say, this trailer got me a bit hyped. I questioned the selection of Christian Bale at first. Not that he’s a bad actor, because he’s not by any means. But I guess in my mind I picture Bruce as a 30-something, and Christian just looked a bit too young in my book to play him. But I really dug the trailer. It looks like they are really going to explore Batman’s roots. And as far as Coogan’s complaints about how little the trailer reveals, I’m glad for that. Hollywood has gotten into this horrible pattern of telling us everything about a movie in a 2-minute trailer. I want to be able to go see a movie and find some surprises along the way, and not know everything that was going to happen 3 months in advance from a preview. I think this perfectly fits the definition of a “teaser”.
J “Don’t call me ‘Da Jay'” Kern: I spent a lot of time on this…And I removed the extraneous stuff…all the unnecessary tangents and diatribes. And when i was finished…”Eh …” **Note: This is seeing the trailer then waiting an HOUR for a response. End note***
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
Man alive, is December the month to suck the cash out of your pocket or what? Between all of the stuff being crammed into theaters and on DVD shelves, you really have to pick your passion (or poison) this month. Thankfully, for you, we go out and review the good (and the not so good) films out there, as much as we can. Okay, I guess we kind of do it for us, too, but it’s mostly for you!
Alexander – What can I say to hype you up for this well written review by Michaelangelo McCullar? Nothing that you probably haven’t heard elsewhere. Hell, even his teaser doesn’t playcate, “God Damn, this movie sucked…”. He was ANGRY. Read him, his work is good and odds are you’ll like it, at least a little.
Ocean’s 12 – Brendan Campbell comes up with the first review of one of the biggest sequels, and biggest film, of the holiday season. Does this sequel suck, or is at as good, or better than the original? Was America right in spending so much cash to make it number one? Read him and find out.
Blade: Trinity – Michaelangelo pulls double duty this week, and he sits down for a screening of the third (and final?) Blade. Does the film suck or kick ass? Well, for a film co-starring the Texas Chainsaw chick and Van Wylder, the answer just might surprise you. (Though, that IPOD thing? Come on now….)
Ocean’s 12 – No, not a mistake. McCullar went movie crazy this week (Something I wish I could do so much more) and also sat down with Ocean’s. Do his thoughts differ from Brandon’s? Does it rock or suck in the book of McCullar? Take a wild guess, then go check out his work.
On DVD
Slim pickings this week, and by slim I mean one. We do our best, damn it! It’s a busy/expensive time of year for everyone, even the super-star staff of a rising internet site (With rising egos to boot, haha!). Anywho, this week Travis Leamons answers the question that is bothering no one these days: Is Spiderman 2 the best superhero movie ever? I don’t know how many people are left in America that don’t know the answer to that, but if you’re one of them, click on over and read the excellent, in-depth review of the new DVD.
We Even Do Columns!
It was quite strange, the order in which columns were posted to the site last week. This Guide was written on Friday, before either Beida or R0btrain had columns up, yet it appears after theirs on the site. Odd. Anyway, they will be included, since they had no plug-age last week.
Mr. Beida checks in just a tad late with Movies vs Film, and it’s a three way dance of death! Actually, looking at it again, he put a lot of work into this week’s version, and really digs into three different yet similar films. He makes a tough yet correct call again this week. Go read him and see if you agree with me (And him, of course).
Rob Sutton continues his on-going series, Total Bondage Part 3: The Two Bonds. This is the best entry yet, in my opinion, as it really dives into the passing of the torch from Connery to Lazenby, along with more critical analysis of two great Bond films and more. Rob, you officially have me hooked and anticpating your next entry. Huzzah!
Brad Torreano starts out his column in a unique way this week, with a brief ove-view of 1 Night in China. I am man enough to admit I haven’t, and will not, see it, though pictures did inadvertently pass my way. Soon after, I crawled into bed, curled up into a fetal position, and cried myself to sleep. It’s a type of scar that will not quickly pass. You, Brad, are a brave, brave man. Other, better, highlights from his awesome column, Mondo Culto VII: E.T. the Vagina, including the meaning behind Mondo Culto, a review of The Last Horror Film, some disturbing rip-offs of ET, and more. Another worthwhile read, he keeps the good-ness coming.
Michaelangelo McCullar. **Note: A good pimp section, but damn if I’m ever going to ‘get off your ass’ McCullar. I think he’s starting to get aggitated with me. Okay, how about this. Call it the Guide in your pimps, send me your holiday movie, and review a trailer next week, and MAYBE, maybe, I’ll get off your ass a bit. End note*** Every week he writes about The Perfect Flick, and this week is no exception.Deep Cover is the perfect flick o da week, and with good reason: great performances, realistic action, and a kick ass soundtrack all add up to one fine film. Read him for all the details and another dose of film perfection.
Finally, a mister Brendan Campbell is noticeably absent from the proceedings this week with his “Ridiculously Good Looking column”, but he still comes through with a Review of Last Weekend’s Box Office, and then a Preview of this weekend’s. Solid work, but is the future Pulse dictator falling off his high horse already? Only time, and perhaps a random Instant Message conversation, will tell.
We Re-Schedule The Mini-Rant This Week to Request Your Feedback
So, really, what it is is that there’s just nothing going on this week, in movie world or real life world, that makes me aggitated, fired up, or passionate enough to rant about. I guess it just works out that way. Instead, I want send out a request.
Next week is Christmas, and I’m sure various writers/columnists/whatevers will focus on a holiday theme (Except maybe Kern – my GAWD what a scrooge). The Guide will be no exception. Next week, if all goes to plan, I’ll do the normal thing (Albeit possibly shortened – it IS Christmas Eve, for crying outloud), and then change it up a bit with a little info on my favorite holiday movie and why. Then, what I’d LIKE to do, is post the various favorites of everyone around Inside Pulse, and you, the reader. Or, if you want to switch it up a bit, send me what you think is the WORST holiday movie ever. Or both. That could be fun. I’m really curious what people like, and I think this is the best way to get that whole “Christmas Spirit” thing going. I know I make a lot of cracks about feedback and such, but in all seriousness, if you’d like to send along your favorite, shoot me an e-mail at Norton@4sternstaging.com.
Until next time.
