“I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behavior. And I don’t like you, jerk-off.”
–The Malibu Chief of Police, The Big Lebowski
Dear Mr. Trump,
In light of your recent actions on The Apprentice finale, I have no choice (to use your second-favorite phrase) but to give you a much-deserved verbal lashing in the most public forum available to me. I was absolutely appalled by the way in which you handled yourself on Thursday, pissing on the pre-planned structure of the show and messing with people’s heads. I suppose it’s your money, your time, your people, and your damn show, but ownership and a massive ego do not give you the right to treat so many with such disrespect. The savages on The Jerry Springer Show have more tact and consideration than you.
Let’s start with your good friend, Regis Philbin. Now, Reeg is a seasoned professional and was no doubt paid handsomely for agreeing to host your little live finale. However, you put him completely on the spot by asking him to come out and interview members of the audience on who they thought you should hire. Thankfully, Regis handled the situation with characteristic poise, a trait that has won him many years of success in the TV business.
But while Mr. Philbin was in a position to roll with your punches, certain others, such as your good friend Matthew Calamari, who made an appearance on the home renovation episode, got tongue-tied when it came to spontaneously speaking before a live national audience. It’s true that most of the folks you singled out are fantastic public speakers, but it looked like poor Matt was humiliated. I may not know much about business, but I feel confident in saying that your relationship with Mr. Calamari was not strengthened as a result of your calling on him. Some people need to time to prepare what they want to say.
Speaking before thinking is not a quality you seem to apply to yourself, however. Trump, I observed you through fifteen episodes preaching to the candidates about choosing their words carefully and knowing when to speak up and when to shut up. But time and time again, you interrupted or responded to people in a manner that showed you didn’t really want to hear them out. For example, if you liked Andy as much as you professed at the finale, then why didn’t you tell Jen M. and Sandy to stuff it and offer him a chance to defend himself before he got fired? You let that situation get out of hand and Andy, who appears to have actual manners, was above jumping on the table and shouting, “Shut up, hos!” The way I see it, young Andy was not the one at fault there. He was sitting in between two wildcats locked in a shouting match. This was not a productive interaction. It was verbal hair-pulling and I commend Andy for rising above it. Unfortunately, his dignified actions were rewarded with an adios. How is that fair, Trumpo?
And get your Jennifers straight, will you? During the reunion segment of the show, you addressed a couple of questions to Jennifer C., then turned around and told (presumably) Jennifer M. that she did a wonderful job and should not feel bad for getting canned. Jennifer C. assumed that you were still talking to her and responded with a “thank you” before realizing that the compliment was not directed at her. Yet another casualty in the humiliation morgue. And it’s plain to see that Ms. C has already visited that place several times. But give her a break already.
Ditto for Ivana. I know that you hate her for working as a stripper on Wall Street, but it takes one money-grubbing whore to recognize another, doesn’t it? At least Ivana’s ass has the hope of brightening someone’s day. You’re just jealous because you can’t use your flabby, wrinkled body to sell things. However, judging from the amount of work your girl Melania is getting modeling Levi’s and appearing in your fragrance ads, using sex to sell is acceptable so long as the person doing it is also doing it with you. But you played it off to Ivana like that was beneath you anyway. OK, but climbing into Dumpsters in that ridiculous Visa Check Card commercial is so frickin’ dignified. Get over yourself, Poo Boy.
Of course, under your command, mass quantities of doodoo were rolling downhill and the majority of it collected at the feet of your runner-up, Jennifer Massey. It’s not your fault that your colleagues and associates overwhelmingly picked Kelly to be the next apprentice, although with the exception of Amy Henry, you only seemed to be interested in what the members of the good ol’ boys club had to say. The camera kept panning back to Jen, who surely smelled defeat more strongly with every passing second. She remained composed through it all and did an excellent job of selling herself during your final conversation with her. And how did you reward her? You messed with her mind. The way you were talking to her made it look like you were about to hire her, then you turned around and told Kelly he was hired.
I’m not criticizing your choice here. I think that Kelly ultimately is a better fit for your organization and seems soulless enough to put up with your crap and not let it destroy him. But I think that your manipulation of Jen in the final boardroom was wrong, hurtful, and totally unnecessary. You demand so much respect from everyone, yet you fail to see this issue as a two-way street.
I think you suck, Donald Trump. You’re the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever seen. And your hair is truly horrific, too.
Sincerely,
Sarah B. Quigley
