It being near Christmas and all, I figured I’d break away from the normal format and do something different. Setting up the tombstone to your left and showing my little brother was just a start. That being said, this week many people celebrate the birth of Jesus (Not to be confused with Hey-Zeus, Carlito’s bodyguard). Many have forgotten that that is the reason for Christmas. Many think that it’s just a reason for Santa to go buck wild giving out presents. As it turns out, Santa is a hunter, as you will see later. Getting back on point, we celebrate the birth of Jesus and have a good time. With that being said, I want to celebrate a group of people this week who gave birth to what we watch with glee today…The McMahon Family…
That’s right, I will be telling you why I love wrestling and why I thank the McMahon’s for their product. A little change of pace and away we go…
Why I Love This Stuff
I got into this for one reason and one reason only: to be cool. I bet you never heard that said about wrestling before. You see, way back in the third grade I was having lunch with my pals and they were playing a dumb little game where they would hum a song and everyone had to try and guess what song it was. One of the started humming “Real American”, Hulk Hogan’s theme song. I had absolutely no clue what the hell he was humming and, as a result, became the butt of a joke because everyone else knew exactly what it was. Never again would I be made fun of because I didn’t watch wrestling.
I searched and I searched and low and behold I found Nailz beating the hell out of the Big Bossman and Papa Shango possessing the Ultimate Warrior, stealing a wristband from him and making him throw up in a bathroom do to it. Pretty scary to say, but I was hooked. I say pretty scary because you hear most people tell you they got hooked by watching Hogan, Flair, Savage, Steamboat, Test…you get my drift. Not many people saw a guy with face paint throwing up and said “Awesome! I love it!” It’s either an indictment of me as a person or you can all kiss my ass. Whichever, your choice. Back to the story…
So I found the WWF and watched a whole bunch of it. My first fond memory was turning on the television one Saturday and seeing them announce Bret Hart as the new WWF Champion. I liked Bret, I believed in him. So from then on I got deep into it and wound up renting old tapes to see just how everything progressed. To be honest, I loved all of it. The corny shit, the crazy shit, the great shit. I liked Doink and Dink. I had a young boy crush on Alundra Blayze. I thought the Lex Express was a damn good idea. I just loved it all.
Then I found the internet (Cue Undertaker’s entrance music). I went on the internet to find out about wrestling about 2 minutes after Montreal happened. I remember turning to my brother and saying “I think they did something wrong.” Low and behold, a cagillion wrestling sites were out there and soon I became hooked on them too. And in a shocker, I started to dislike certain matches. Because I was soon taught that work rate is the only thing that matters. However, I was level headed enough to enjoy every skit during the Attitude era. Mae Young giving birth to a hand was hilarious to me, killed by the net. I still think it’s hilarious. I like to think of things that the IWC hated and hates in this regard: If it were animated on South Park, they’d laugh. Try telling me that if Cartman climbed into a casket, did it with a corpse and threw brains at Kyle and said “Dude, I totally screwed her brains out” that you wouldn’t laugh. You don’t laugh when it’s Triple H, but you would for Cartman, just like anybody who watched this past week’s Christmas special died laughing when the squirrel screamed, “Blood orgy!” and the critters all humped each other in Rabbitee The Rabbit’s blood after they sacrificed him. It’s damn funny. Sorry, back to my little bullet points…
So here I am, after reading news and shit for the better part of 6 or 7 years I’ve gained my own little precious space on the net and, if you read me regularly, you know I joke and I’m generally positive…unless we talk about Randy Savage. After everything I’ve watched over the years I can still say this: I love it. From the characters to the angles to the action, I love it all. And I have some special people to thank:
Vinnie Mac Sr.
Thanks for opening up the WWWF. I know that a good amount of older people remember the days when you handled the reigns and look back fondly on it. You were the foundation for today. Also, thanks for putting in the time to make Vince Jr.
Vinnie Mac
Thank you for nutting up and putting everything on the line with Wrestlemania. Thanks for sweeping the country and putting the best talent together that you could in order to expand globally. Regardless of what is said, I believe many prefer to watch your product, even in a down period, than would prefer to find an indy or “territory”. Thank you for working tirelessly and giving many kids heroes to look at every week.
Linda McMahon
Thank you for never telling Vince no. Thank you for understanding the monumental risks taken that could alter your lifestyle and taking them anyway. Thank you for the conference calls which everyone rags on because it’s fun to. Thank you for mothering the next generation of McMahons who will take the helm at some point and hopefully live up to the legacy you and Vince have set.
Shane McMahon
Thank you for having no fear and the innate ability to make people believe you are fighting for your life whenever you step in the ring. Thank you for fathering a child who will probably be running the company when I am long gone.
Stephanie McMahon
Thank you for what you do. Criticized by everyone with a keyboard, you still make decisions that make the product enjoyable to me. Not to mention the fact that when you are on screen, I enjoy watching you because you present a realistic character, whether face or heel, that I can believe.
Triple H McMahon
Thank you for being like glue. I’ve said before that you could out intense Hitler if need be and if it weren’t for you playing a character with such depth, I don’t think many people would enjoy Raw as much. It’s bullshit when people say you only got your spot by marrying in. You had your spot and then found who you loved. Good for you. Thank you also for making me laugh out loud when I read your book. (Talking about his relationship with Steph, saying how he always knew to not give anyone ammo for their gun, he says “…I’m giving them an atomic bomb here.” Funny shit)
All of you can bitch all you want, this is my McMahon Peace Accord. And I have one other person to thank briefly.
The Rock
Thanks for always making me almost piss myself when you cut a promo. Wish you could be around more but hey, making millions and not bumping like crazy sounds better to me too.
Let Him Back In
Why not let Brock back? Who cares that people are bitter? Have him sign a contract that states that if he quits, he must give 12 months notice or else he owes the company ten million dollars. Done. If he signs you know he wants it. And if he messes it up, you sue him and take his first-born. That’s what I would do.
Why I’m Not Scared Of The Elimination Chamber
Well first off, I don’t have to be in it. But to be quite honest, I feel that if you don’t have Rob Van Dam in there, it’s just not worth it. Think about it: HE CRUSHED A MANS THROAT That’s pretty damn hardcore.
My Wishes For You
I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday and all that junk. But I really wish that you look at WWE for what it is: a release. They provide us with entertainment. Enjoy it. Kick back and relax. No need to remember a shitty match forever! I remember July 1st, Yankees vs. Red Sox because it was a great game. I don’t remember a shitty baseball game. Don’t be the internet fan that can tell someone exactly where, what date and what time Jackie Gayda stunk up the joint in a mixed tag match. Just have fun!
My Holly Jolly Pluggin’
Short list but whatever…
Blatt is almost done with his year review and has held up strong like an ox throughout the whole thing.
Sarah Quigley shoots off a letter to The Donald that I really enjoyed.
Phil Mushnick
Ok let me be pretty much straight forward. I have strong dislike for Phil Mushnick. I don’t agree with him on any issue whenever he writes. And most of the time he comes off as an arrogant asshole. Plain and simple, the guy is paid to sit and watch TV and listen to the radio and tell people what he likes and dislikes. Say what you will about me with this column, but I’m certainly not paid and I have two other jobs. Now, this is what Mushnick wrote on December 10th:
“Now that both President Bush and Sen. John McCain have grown angry-loud on steroids, vis-a-vis MLB’s scandal, perhaps they should also throw some focus on their own ranks.
For starters, subpoena Calif. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger; get his sworn testimony as to how much his admitted steroid use fueled his fame and fortune, the kind that could parlay muscle-man championships into movie stardom, then his election as Governor.
Then bring in former President Bush and ask him how he could have appointed Schwarzenegger, of all people, to head the President’s Council on Physical Fitness.
Then subpoena ex-Gov. of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura, another admitted user, for his testimony as to how his steroid use, as a pro wrestler, enabled the fame and fortune that allowed him to become Governor.
Then subpoena someone from the State Department and ask him/her how the WWE is annually provided clearance to travel abroad to entertain our troops. Steroid use is, and has been for years, a sotto voce prerequisite for pro wrestlers. WWE boss Vince McMahon is an admitted past steroid user.
And why, if, as Bush and McCain claim, steroid use among ball players is a health issue as much as it is an integrity and legal issue, is the health of pro wrestlers, scores of whom have dropped dead over the last 25 years, less important than the health of baseball players?”
Cue Ranting music!!!!!
How does someone who looks and writes like a three toed sloth get away with bullshit like this? Look at his picture in the NY Post…one main reason he is coming out against steroids is this: HE WISHES HE WAS ON THEM . Now he has come out against Vince and WWE time and time again over the years, likely because he wasn’t loved as a child or he got pissed off when Pedro Morales won the title. I don’t know.
Oh and Phil… WRESTLERS HAVE DROPPED DEAD OVER THE YEARS FROM THINGS OTHER THAN STEROIDS! SUCH AS BEING OVERWEIGHT! YA SCARED, LOOKING DOWN, WONDERING IF YOU’LL EVER BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR SHOES AGAIN, LET ALONE LIVE ANOTHER 10 YEARS? DON’T GIVE ME THIS SHIT THAT WRESTLERS DIE ALL THE TIME FROM STEROID USE. CURT HENNIG = COCAINE…YOKOZUNA = OBESITY…MISS ELIZABETH = SEDATIVES AND ALCOHOL…WANT ME TO CONTINUE? IT’S JACKASSES LIKE YOU WHO SPOUT OUT ALL THIS SHIT ABOUT EVERY WRESTLER DYING DUE TO STEROIDS WHEN IN REALITY IT’S NOT. DAVEY BOY SMITH DIED FROM IT. DYNAMITE KID IS IN A WHEELCHAIR FROM IT. HOWEVER, A WRESTLER IS MORE LIKELY TO DIE FROM AN OVERDOSE OF PAINKILLERS THAN STEROIDS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME PAINKILLERS TO HELP YOUR ACHING THUMB, WHAT WITH YOU HITTING THE REMOTE SO MUCH. YOU PROBABLY BELIEVE KEN CAMINITI DIED FROM STEROIDS…YOU JACKASS. GET ON A TREADMILL. Sorry for all the bold folks…but I’m RANTING !
Little correlation here…what in the bloddy hell does the WWE going to entertain our troops have to do with steroids? Answer: NOTHING . But, by golly, according to Phil we should be subpoenaing the State Department to ask them why the WWE, with it’s crazy muscle men, are allowed to go overseas to entertain our troops. Mushnick, I’m willing to bet, wouldn’t go overseas to see our troops if the very souls of his family members depended on it. But Vinnie Mac and his “steroid users” go overseas and we should find out why? Piss off Mushnick. Like you’ve sat there and told any WWE guy “Here, pee in this cup.” You generalize due to a trial that took place a decade ago. Don’t tell me anything about talking to Gov. Arnold. He admitted it ass clown, so let it go. You want to start a revolution? Kick Bonds and Giambi out of baseball. But you, Mr. Mushnick, would never come up with such a thing. NO NO NO says fatty Phil. Instead of attacking the people currently in the news for steroids, you attack past admitted users. Probably because you can’t get the grease from the chicken wing off of your fingers in time to change the channel and actually do your job, which is pretty much nothing. “Talk to Jesse Ventura” you say, instead of “Talk to Jason Giambi.” “Call up ex-President Bush” you admonish, instead of “Hey Barry, why has your head gotten 1,000 times bigger in 4 years?”
End of the day, Phil Mushnick is a jackass with a pen. Never loved enough as a boy and with man boobs as an adult, he’ll always find a reason to try to pick on people that are better than him. He looks at a guy like Triple H or Chris Benoit and wishes he could have that body. In the end, he takes the 55 gallon drum of Coke from McDonalds because it’s only three cents more. He even finds the time to chastise things like the Michael Kay Show on 1050 ESPN Radio, which houses three of the best hours of radio every day. Kay, Joey Salvia and Don LaGrecca put on a hell of a show but Mushnick won’t allow himself to hear it. It is probably due to the fact that his man-boobs have penetrated his eardumm, so he just makes shit up. Sorry folks, but I have no respect for a human being getting paid to carry a remote control. Get a job, hippy.
A Word On Michael Kay
Every day, I listen to Kay’s show on ESPN Radio and every day it’s enjoyable. Joey Salvia and Don LaGrecca are perfect in their roles on the show, with Joey’s songs being hilarious time and time again. Sometimes I actually picture Pedro Martinez under a mango tree with his midget and Mr. Met. Either I have problems or it’s just really funny. The show is great and having Michael be the voice of the New York Yankees is even better. I recently downloaded the July 1st Yankee-Red Sox game and was disappointed that it was the NESN announcers calling the game. Red Sox fans will like it, but as a Yankee fan all I wanted was a download with the YES announcers. NESN’s “What a nice play by Jeter.” turns into “ JETER ON THE RUN…MAKES THE CATCH! AND FLIES INTO THE STANDS! OH WHAT A PLAY BY DEREK JETER!” Michael Kay adds so much. NESN’s “And the Yankees win it…crushing defeat for the Red Sox.” becomes “ AND THE YANKEES WIN THE GAME! THE YANKEES WIN THE GAME! THAT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GAMES YOU WILL EVER SEE!“…notice the difference? I don’t know if the guys over at the MKS read this but if they do, you guys do a wonderful job and have kept me sane many of days. And I got a carbon monoxide detector. Happy Holidays…oh, and shove it Phil Mushnick for coming down on these guys. You freakin’ Nancy.
They also stream on the web at 1050 ESPN Radio.com . Check them out from 10 to 1 everyday, it’s worth it.
Raw and Smackdown
Raw is a best-of this week, so if reliving Benoit’s title win is your bag, check it out. Smackdown will be in Iraq with Heidenreich against The Undertaker. Should be fun.
Next Week
Next week I will be rudely interrupting myself and hitting you with that special feature that has made me break out in hives and puke shards of my own pelvis. No silly, it’s not a sex tape with Blatt’s girlfriend! You’ll see…
Until next week, adios and Merry Christmas…wait…what is Christmas without Rudolph?
Told ya he hunted.
In honor of Michael Kay: In the words of Billy Joel, life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye again. Ssssee ya everybody!
-Hevia
