I have often said that Survivor selects for mediocrity. I tend to make this statement when one of the more controversial or buff players leaves the game. Although Rupert got the People’s Choice award earlier this year, it was clear that his larger-than-life persona would never win him a million dollars the old-fashioned way, so to speak. And as I saw players like Rory, Sarge, and Ami make their exits in Vanuatu, I knew that my theory still held. That is, of course, until I watched the finale.
If I were to accuse Chris and Twila, Vanuatu’s final two, of mediocrity, I may as well say that wasabi is bland, Kate Winslet doesn’t make me question my sexuality, and getting tipsy isn’t fun. While both Chris and Twila were physically tough, neither one demonstrated enough of a tangible threat to make their competitors nervous. Twila ran her mouth constantly. And while Chris had personable relationships with everyone, he did a lot of back-stabbing out on the island. He hooted and hollered when he won the last two immunity challenges. No, I wouldn’t say that Vanuatu’s final two were average on any counts.
But neither were the third and fourth-place finishers, Scout and Eliza, respectively. And despite everyone’s collective disdain for young Eliza, I was really pulling for her to make it to the final two, which would have required at least one more individual immunity victory than she achieved. Even though she was an annoying chatterbox, Eliza was willing to call Twila out for being childish and selfish. She presented good arguments as to why people should keep her around and at the final four tribal council, even in the face of Twila’s accusation that she didn’t deserve to be there, Eliza diplomatically stated that, personal feelings aside, anyone who makes it that far in the game deserves it. She’s going to make a great attorney.
Twila called Eliza a coattail rider and even said that she wasn’t really playing the game. Not! Eliza proved herself as a player at her first tribal council when she decided to help the older women vote Dolly out. She continued to shift in her alliances to keep herself alive and it paid off. I think that aside from Chris, Eliza had the most impressive staying power of anyone else out there. So many people conspired against her, but she was always able to catch it and shift across enemy lines. Until she got voted out herself, that is. But that’s a classic final four betrayal. It happened to Sue in Borneo, Helen in Thailand, and Darrah in the Pearl Islands. These fourth place finishers all thought that they had strong allies that they could trust, but when the numbers dwindle that low in the game, someone will feel the sting of a major bitch slap. And, unsurprisingly, Eliza followed the suit of her predecessors in being extremely bitter about her loss and flinging some serious venom their way at the final tribal council.
Eliza’s speech at the final tribal council was by far the best, especially when she called Chris and Twila both “a deceptive, lying bitch.” I just love it when men are called bitches. Anyway, Twila’s reaction was right on cue from Chris’s earlier encouragement to her that she shouldn’t “take no crap” from anyone when in the hot seat. She laid right into Eliza once again, going as far as saying, “I think you’re a spoiled, rotten child.” And while Scout commended Twila for shooting straight, I still can’t help but feel that Twila was a huge fool for not making some kind of attempt to smooth things over with Eliza. Then again, even though Eliza’s most recent hurt had come from Chris, she probably wouldn’t have voted for anyone so tight with Scout.
I loved Scout’s short and sweet statement at the final tribal council that Chris was full of B.S. And Chris, knowing he’d never get Scout’s vote, didn’t seem to care much, anyway. After all, she was the one with a PhD, which is typically acquired through smarts, hard work, and some serious B.S.-ing abilities.
Sarge’s attempt at a little tricky behavior was amusing as well, when he told Chris that he wasn’t voting for him and asked him if they could still be friends. He stepped into the voting booth and said, “Psych!”, casting a vote for his Lopevi buddy after all. It just kills me that this 40-year-old drill sergeant talks like a surfer.
The most genuine questioning came from Julie, whose weepiness practically had me sobbing it was so pathetic. She was even more emotional than Kathy at the final tribal council in All-Stars. I was surprised to see her get so emotional, since she spent a lot of the game gazing pensively at the sea with a world-weary expression on her face (or tanning her ass). Then again, the wounds of Chris’s betrayal were still very fresh for Julie and she was clearly heartbroken that he screwed her over. However, upon hearing that she and Jeff Probst are now a romantic item, I couldn’t feel too sorry for her for not winning. And not because I think Probst is a catch, because frankly, I can’t stand that platitude-spouting clown. But I know that Julie was harboring this huge crush on him, as she showed in her audition video and the Jeff heart Ami painted on her chest. So I’m happy for her that that worked out. But he is almost twenty years older than her, which always grosses me out a little.
As much as I can’t stand the asinine words of wisdom that Jeff tends to spew as the survivors leave tribal council every week, I think he sank to a new low with his finale antics. I partially blame Mark Burnett for egging this egomaniac on, but I have a feeling that these lame post-game stunts are Probst’s idea. I nearly vomited watching Jeff cut through the bush, fly to L.A., parachute into a field, and ride a Vespa into CBS’s Hollywood studio. It was even more painful than his Ski-Doo adventure past the Statue of Liberty and subway ride to the studio in Manhattan where he crowned Jenna Morasca the winner of Survivor: Amazon. CBS should flash one of those viewer warning messages across the screen so that I can go grab a bucket before viewing that crap.
I’m not experiencing nearly as much post-season depression as I expected. Maybe it’s because the Pulau season will start up in less than two months. And maybe it’s because there will be 20 contestants, with the promise of a different structure to the game. Although I would rank Vanuatu as one of the best seasons, I appreciate Burnett’s efforts to keep the viewers guessing.
