Screw my true love. Screw those pipers piping. Screw those ladies dancing. Screw the partridge and screw the pear tree.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. I just don’t get too worked over up over the gifts. Stuff my stocking with some candy, find me my favorite show on DVD and cook me up some good food, and I am a happy boy. I just never got that song. Yeah, I know. There is probably some great historically significance to it that somebody in the cyber world will probably clue me into. I just don’t get the gifts. I mean, if someone showed up at my house with six geese a layin’, well, I’d probably have to disown them.
I’ll take the five golden rings, though.
Now, I am not going to try to get this into song form. Save the corny, reworded Christmas songs for those hideous Old Navy commercials. What I am going to do is give you my 12 Days of Christmas wish list. Well, basically it’s just 12 wished for the new televisions season, but hey, I gotta have a Christmas Theme.
On the 12th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
More of The Wire. Now, I have had the argument with my friends over this. There is sort of a snobbery that says movies are inheritantly better than TV. That they are more artistic and more culturally significant. To this I say HOGWASH!!! Take the best actioners in the movies today, and I will argue that shows like 24 and Alias are at least on par with them in both story and production. Take the most quirky comedy in the local metroplex, and I will say it they rarely reach the level of writing on shows like Arrested Development. And this is just Network TV. Now, I have to admit, I was late on The Wire bandwagon. I have only watched the first season on On Demand, but I have to say that this is The Best Show On TV. I would put this show up against the best that the Hollywood Film Industry has to offer. I am literally having to suppress my nearly unquenchable urge to watch the third season which is currently available on ON Demand, until after I get a chance to see season 2, which comes out on DVD at the end of January. If only HBO would offer their shows at a bit more of a reasonable price.
On the 11th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
The death of the Billionaire Television Ego Trip. Go away Ted, go away Mark, and yes, even the Donald, it’s time to go. We get it, you guys are rich. Good for you. I am sick of seeing these supposed cream of the crop contestants having to be belittled and degraded by a guy in a gaudy suit and bad hair. At least in Survivor, the contestants do it to each other. Now, I would love to see a reality show where 18 millionaires/bnillionaires are forced to live in a trailer, do their own laundry and work the drive through at Popeye’s Chicken. The show would be hosted by an unattractive, overweight union sanitation employee name Gus. The millionaires would battle it out for the most important prize ever, our respect.
On the 10th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
A Snubbing of Michael Moore at the Oscars. Yeah, I know, this is a TV column, but, I really don’t want to hear another of his speeches during the ceremonies on the telecast. Now, I like Michael Moore. I loved Roger and Me, and TV Nation was a great show. Politically, I probably agree with him on more issues than not. Yet, I didn’t like Fahrenheit 911. I thought he took to many liberties with the truth and manipulated way too much through trick editing. There is plenty of things to criticize the President on without resorting to chicanery. His movie doesn’t deserve a Best Oscar nod, in my opinion, and the campaign to get it one resorting to a “Your Vote Will Count” campaign, again, in my opinion, takes away from what the Oscars are all about.
On the 9th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
A wider array of TV DVD releases. I love TV on DVD, but there seems to be some marketing mistakes. Now, I am not a business major, but I have to believe that there is more demand for a show on DVD that you cannot find anywhere, then let’s say, a show like Law & Order: SVU that you can get three times a night on the USA Network. There are a lot of shows that had limited success on TV, that gained a bit of a cult following, even though they only survived one year. To have a release of shows like Nowhere Man, John Doe, The Fugitive (Tim Daly’s version) and Strange Luck, along with more popular, yet equally ignored shows like Picket Fences would be cool.
On the 8th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
The FX people running FOX. How is it that the Fox family could have one cable network full of cutting edge shows like The Shield, Nip/Tuck and Rescue Me, yet it’s parent Network is full of garbage. Now, I think there is a lot of reasons for this. Making a true network hit takes patients and resolve, and networks seem to lack that more and more. Unless it is an instant success, it gets shuffled and reworked and, eventually canceled. Heck, sometimes this all happens before the show even premieres. Networks, are scared to take the risks that they can on cable. Networks are wary to nurture a show, even in the past, this nurturing behavior brought about hits like Seinfeld, Party of Five, and The X-Files.
On the 7th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
An end to the Reality Plagiarism. A lot of people hate reality TV, and it’s getting harder and harder not to see their point. Now, not that there isn’t a lot of quality programming out there, but it seems that the networks have lost the ability to think on their own. It used to be that a Network reality trend would start and that another Network would take the theme and put a couple subtle spins on it, and launch a new show. The Bachelor gives us For Love or Money. The Apprentice gives us The Rebel Billionaire and so on and so on. Now, Networks aren’t even bothering with the subtle changes. Fox, who is the worst offender, seemingly steals the idea of The Contender, and Wife Swap. The sad thing is that FOX had an intriguing idea for a new reality show where a team of night school law lawyers battle a team of Ivy League Lawyers in mock trials for a Partnership in a major law firm. Yet, this idea gets canned and it’s time slot given to My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss. What’s next, a group of extremely sexy model types battle to date a goofy looking Internet columnist? Of course, with tons of Hot Tub scenes. Score!!!
On the 6th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
A return to fun for The Daily Show. Now, don’t get me wrong, in my opinion, The Daily Show is one of the funniest half hours on TV. Yet, lately there seems to be something missing. I think it is beginning to take itself a bit to seriously. Somewhere, it learned that it was quickly becoming the place where the younger generations where getting their information, and it decided it was time to be responsible and actually try to inform. Now, Jon Stewart is still dead on funny, and astutely political, yet the show is beginning to suffer from the Leno/Letterman complex where you tune into the first half of the show, and then you tune out. The election is over, yet all the shows guest come complete with a string of letters following their name pimping their latest treatise on Third World Economical Development and the Clinton Agenda. Now, I was a Political Science Major, and this stuff just puts me to sleep. On the other end, the between segment pieces by their various “correspondents” have gone from a smart and quirky slice of life to potty humor, and “in your face” created irony. It seemed just a while ago the show was able to be funny without having to make Beaver jokes.
On the 5th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
Jonathan Baker’s Philimination. A lot of people can’t stand the latest villain on The Amazing Race. He is Colin on crack. He is Jonny Fairplay in 15 years. He has been called an abuser, a loudmouth, a psychopath, and a few words that I don’t typically use. Yet, what really offends me isn’t his constant screaming, being it at his wife, people in the service industry of other countries or other racers. We have scene that all before. What really ticks me off is that he is unapologetically fake. It’s all an act. Well, maybe not all. Jonathan has been hitting various mediums with a vengeance, giving his side of the story. He has said that his actions are meant to be “over the top and campy” and called his behavior a publicity stunt gone wrong. Well, I don’t watch reality shows for faked villainy. I want to see real people acting real. Now, I am not a moron. I know that there is a lot of created drama on reality shows, but I think this is way too blatant. Yet, to annoy me even more Jonathan says that he is saddened by CBS’s choice of storyline. Come on man, you shove your wives backpack and scream at her right before the Pit Stop. You wife seems in the throws of a nervous breakdown. How else is the Show supposed to explain that? If you are going to apologize, be a man and take full responsibility. Don’t try to shift the focus to the producers. Either be a man, or shut the hell up.
On the 4th Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
Great Seasons of Alias and 24. The thing that is exciting me more than the birthing of the new year, is the return of my two favorite network shows. Due to some new scheduling philosophies among the networks, these shows were moved to January premieres, instead of the typical Fall season openers. Alias’s producer J. Abrams said that this is a good thing. That it gave the show time to refocus on it’s roots and better the show. Let’s hope they make it worth the weight. A lot of people believe that Alias’s third seasons was its worst. That the show moved away from the double life aspects of Sydney and its affects on her personal life. Now, I loved the third season, but I can see their point. I love the fantasy elements of the show, and that was dominate focus of season three, but I did long a bit for the old story focus a bit. 24 ended last season pretty well. The third season was definately a step up from the second, which was full of goofy subplots and unbelievable developments. Hopefully this season keep the trend of betterment going.
On the 3rd Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
A Chance to be Surprised by Survivor Again. I really don’t know what is going on with Survivor, but I think it needs a little work. Something is missing. Survivor Vanuatu, while it had a few good moments, was at best, mediocre, at worst, boring. The cast was a bit plastic, the twists were basically déjàvu and the challenges were just plain boring. I think that a lot of it had to do with the women/men breakdown. I think the casting was geared towards hard edged outspoken women and compliant men. The challenges where catering to a women’s strengths and the twists designed to give weakness and edge. Not that the women were weak, but the midseason switch rewarded losing challenges, which made the physically weaker team in fact, better off. Survivor needs something, and I am not sure adding even more people to the cast is the right thing. I think the show needs to look for people with little or no exposure to the show. People who are not aspiring actors, not Friday Morning Survivor Strategist. People, who when you say alliance thinks of the Axis and the Allies and not of Richard Hatch. Challenges need to be rethought out, made more physical, and the mental challenges tougher, not memory contests and corny puzzles. The show needs to be made more simple, not catered to a specific storyline. Sometimes the best way to improve the show, is to strip it of all the other improvements you have attempted and just get back to playing the game.
On the 2nd Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
The End of Acronym Dominated TV. CSI, L&O, JAG, ER, NCIS… OK, it’s not really the individual shows. Most of them are pretty good, but it’s the complete uniformity of Network TV that needs to be eliminated. Now, CSI is a good show, but did they really need to go to New York. A New York crime drama is not a new show pony. Maybe if CBS took a risk and moved their latest CSI to an unpredictable, little known place. I would love to see a show about crime specialist in middle America where they don’t have all the fancy toys and gizmos and they have to wait weeks, or even months for DNA results. The criminalists we see in today’s shows are demigods capable of finding a murder based on a booger he picked as a second grader that he carelessly placed under his desk-like structure at his elementary school. Oh, but wait, if you are sick of the Police Criminalist, you can see what our military criminalist do. You tired of a typical lawyers antics as a big city ADA, check out how the lawyers in the Judge Advocate General’s office handles their defendants. It’s all lawyers, cops and doctors anymore. It’s time for something new. Of course, we all next season will be full of Anxious Househusbands and A bunch of strangers Lost on a deserted Peninsula. Damn Trends.
On the 1st Day of Christmas, the television God’s gave to me…
Happy, and Health Inside Pulse Readers and Contributors. Yeah, it’s a bit of a cop out, but who cares. I wish a happy and healthy holiday to everyone, and continued good watching to all, and to all a good night.
Merry Christmas Everyone.
