Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Romios ouzo, winner of the Golden Hermes award for 1st Panhellenic export competition in 1980, for outstanding achievements in the export of bottled wines and ouzo. I received a bottle of it for my birthday, and this stuff has the kick of tequila, with the smoothness of Jägermeister.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 16 of 16)
Duran Duran, “The Chauffeur”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (CHRISTMAS EDITION)
It’s Christmas, and that means that you probably got a bunch of random crap from your co-workers that you’ll never use, as is standard in most workplaces. So, to my fellow InsidePulse music writers, Merry Christmas…
For That_Bootleg_Guy, now you bond with baby Jalen in a way you never thought possible!
For Mathan, here’s a few feet of something that you’re possibly missing out there in warm, sunny Vegas…
For D’Estroyer… what do you get the person that you don’t know very well? Why, this never fails!
For Mike Eagle, who was cool enough to help me stick a fork in the final installment of InsidePulse’s Eminem: Beyond the Encore feature, here’s a gift that everyone loves.
For Gloomchen… Once again, the universally accepted office gift…
For Gordi Whitelaw, something predictable, and something not.
And Beth Gottfried will receive a modestly priced box of Russell Stover chocolate. I am not yet certain whether I’m going to go with the mint or the almonds.
NEWS TO USE
Rapper Young Buck (né David Darnell Brown), of 50 Cent’s G-Unit group, was charged on Monday with stabbing Jimmy James Johnson at the Vibe awards on November 15th. Johnson was reportedly responsible for a large fracas that started when he asked Dr. Dre for an autograph as Dre was offstage ready to accept an award, and then punched him in the face. While Johnson was arrested at the scene and later hospitalized, he is currently in police custody for having violated his parole. Young Buck is eligible to receive eight years in prison if he is convicted of the charges.
An area man was shot at Club Ignition in Peoria, Illinois, at the end of an after-party for The Retarded DMX, who had performed at the Peoria Civic Center earlier in the day. According to witnesses, earlier in the night The Retarded DMX was standing with some of his entourage when an unidentified man came up and threw a drink in his face. This set off a fight involving several men, and police were called, although the altercation had been subdued by the time they arrived on the scene. Shortly thereafter, as the club was closing, someone fired a gun, causing a mass hysteria that saw a panicked crowd rushing for the door. While police were still at the scene, they could not identify who had fired the gun, but later found that local Marshall Payton had been hit in the hip with a small-caliber bullet as he was coming down a staircase in the club. Police concluded that Payton was not the target, and had no tie to the earlier incident. He did not sustain any serious injury aside from the bullet wound, and was taken to and released from a nearby medical center. According to police, The Retarded DMX was not injured in either altercation, but is still painfully untalented.
Snoop Dogg recently sued an unidentified woman for punitive damages after she tried to extort $5 million to keep her quiet about an alleged assault that took place last year at a concert. She had said that if she was not paid the specified amount that she would sell the details of the incident to a book publisher and to The National Enquirer. The Saturday Swindle Sheet‘s ace reporter Elliot Smilowitz recently interviewed the woman, who is going by “Jane Doe” for privacy purposes…
Elliot: So what happened between you and Snoop Dogg?
Jane Doe: He assaulted me.
Elliot: But what exactly happened to warrant a $5 million payoff?
Jane Doe: I am not able to talk about the details due to the pending case.
Elliot: Well, that makes for a shitty and boring interview. So, instead, I will make things up and pretend you are saying them to me.
Jane Doe: I don’t…
Elliot: So, Jane Doe, what really happened between you and Snoop Dogg? (Elliot speaking like Jane Doe) Snoop Dogg kicked me in the face and made me listen to the entire Van Halen III CD, then he brought in Michael Jackson, who fed me Jesus Juice and cut my hair and made me wear a Pokemon t-shirt. Then he took off his epaulets and urinated on me. (Elliot speaking in his own voice) That’s outrageous! You heard it here first, folks! Then what happened?
Jane Doe: You have some ner…
Elliot: (speaking like Jane Doe) Then I sucked off that guy from Tha Eastsidaz with the overabundant amount of freckles. It was the closest I could get to Snoop Dogg.
Jane Doe: …
Elliot: Oh yeah, you heard me.
Some gold and silver disc plaques that had been awarded to Black Sabbath, that were stolen from Ozzy Osbourne’s former manager Patrick Meehan were recovered on Wednesday after an anonymous tip led them to some trashcans near Meehan’s home. The eight discs were found in a plastic bag behind the trashcans, and included Master of Reality, Paranoid, and Black Sabbath, Vol. 4, along with Kelly Osbourne’s 2002 debut, Shut Up, which police left in the trash.
A recent Korn concert at Tampa’s Ford Amphitheatre received so many complaints for high noise levels that it caused the local Environmental Protection Commission to file a lawsuit against the venue, owned by Clear Channel Entertainment. If the company loses the case, it could put an end to live performances being featured at the venue.
Quick Bits
50 Cent’s upcoming album, titled St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, has been pushed back from February 14th to March 8th.
Rapper Remy Martin of the Terror Squad was hospitalized after being involved in a head-on collision in Fort Lee, New Jersey. She sustained only minor injuries.
According to Courtney Love’s publicists, she will not be selling her life’s story for an autobiography.
FROM THE LABELS
The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has a release on an upcoming Tina Turner collection…
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
December 13, 2004
TINA TURNER RETURNS WITH NEW DOUBLE-CD ANTHOLOGY
ALL THE BEST, SCHEDULED FOR FEBRUARY 1st RELEASE
She is without doubt a true rock star. With sensual, soulful and powerful vocals that have been part of music history for over four decades – Tina Turner is back with a new album, All The Best, set for release by Capitol Records on February 1, 2005.
For the first time, the highlights of Tina’s unrivaled career have been united on one double-CD anthology. All The Best is the comprehensive and essential collection of recorded works by this unique and iconic performer. Across two discs and 33 tracks, it features the songs that first made her famous in the 1960’s, reviews two decades of spectacular solo recordings, and then brings the story right up to date with three newly-recorded songs. “Open Arms,” the first single from the collection, will go for adds at radio on January 11, 2005.
All The Best is an album that will delight the legions of fans that have followed Tina’s extraordinary creative journey, just as it will seduce new admirers. The array of hit songs on the collection is mesmerizing, from “River Deep Mountain High,” “Proud Mary” and “Nutbush City Limits” to her early emergence as a solo superstar with “Let’s Stay Together,” “What’s Love Got To Do With It” and “We Don’t Need Another Hero (Thunderdome)” right through to hits of the ’90s like “I Don’t Wanna Fight,” “Goldeneye” and “When The Heartache Is Over,” the latter from her 1999 album, Twenty Four Seven.
But this is no time warp. All The Best features three completely new recordings by Tina, all of them showing that her vocal majesty continues its reign to this day. The powerful new single “Open Arms,” produced by Jimmy Hogarth, is joined by “Complicated Disaster,” produced by Steve Robson, and “Something Special,” produced by Trevor Horn. As if that wasn’t enough, there are some gems for the Tina collector too, including a live-in-London version of “Addicted To Love” and duets with David Bowie (“Tonight”), Bryan Adams (“It’s Only Love”) and Italian superstar Eros Ramazzotti (“Cose Della Vita”).
Believe it or not, the legend of Tina Turner began more than 50 years ago. Born in Brownsville, Tennessee and raised nearby in the “li’l ol’ town” of Nutbush just like the song says, Anna Mae Bullock was in recording sessions as early as 1953, when she was barely a teenager.
She married guitarist and bandleader Ike Turner in 1958 and made her recording debut with him in 1960 on “A Fool In Love,” which set the scene for the decade ahead by becoming an American R&B smash and pop crossover hit. As the duo’s live shows with their band became the talk of the soul circuit, their show was soon going by a new name: the Ike & Tina Turner Revue.
The duo’s track record in the ’60s and early ’70s was built on cast-iron anthems like the quintessential Phil Spector production, “River Deep, Mountain High,” and “Nutbush City Limits,” among a total of 25 soul chart entries. After starring in the Who’s 1975 film of Tommy, Tina was ready to strike out on her own.
As the massively successful film What’s Love Got To Do With It? would later depict, she had to haul her way up a mountain of debts and disinterest. But with the help of young Australian manager Roger Davies, Tina rediscovered the rock ‘n’ roll raunch of her best records, infused it with her intuitive soulfulness, and started again. In 1982, she landed a new solo deal with Capitol Records. By the summer of ’84, fueled by the acclaimed leadoff single “What’s Love Got To Do With It?,” Private Dancer was on its way to worldwide sales of 11 million.
What’s followed has been a breathless catalogue of collaborations and achievements on record, on screen and as an author. They included a role as Aunty Entity in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome; a duet with Mick Jagger at the landmark benefit concert, Live Aid; a raft of Grammy Awards; a best-selling autobiography, I, Tina; recording and concert dates with fans like Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Elton John, David Bowie, Eric Clapton and Mark Knopfler; and record-breaking concert tours all around the world.
All The Best looks both backwards and forwards, and will ensure that her legend endures long into the 21st century. Tina Turner is back, doing what she does (simply) the best.
The track listing for All The Best is as follows:
CD1
1. Open Arms
2. Nutbush City Limits – Ike & Tina Turner
3. What You Get Is What You See
4. Missing You
5. The Best
6. River Deep Mountain High – Ike & Tina Turner
7. When The Heartache Is Over
8. Let’s Stay Together
9. I Don’t Wanna Fight
10. Whatever You Need
11. I Can’t Stand The Rain
12. Goldeneye
13. I Don’t Wanna Lose You
14. Great Spirits
15. Proud Mary
16. Addicted To Love (Live)
CD2
1. In Your Wildest Dreams
2. Private Dancer
3. Why Must We Wait Until Tonight
4. Typical Male
5. Tonight – David Bowie with Tina Turner
6. Complicated Disaster
7. On Silent Wings
8. Something Special
9. We Don’t Need Another Hero (Thunderdome)
10. It’s Only Love – Bryan Adams with Tina Turner
11. Cose Della Vita – Eros Ramazzotti with Tina Turner
12. Steamy Windows
13. Paradise Is Here
14. What’s Love Got To Do With It
15. Better Be Good To Me
16. Two People
17. Something Beautiful Remains
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
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Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Thelma Houston, “Don’t Leave Me This Way”
Tom Tom Club, “Genius of Love”
System of a Down, “Toxicity”
The Shamen, “Hyperreal” (Selector Mx)
Royce Da 5’9″, “Scary Movies” [f/Eminem]
VNV Nation, “Epicentre”
R. Kelly, “Step in the Name of Love”
Modjo, “Lady (Hear Me Tonight)”
The Vapors, “Turning Japanese”
Rush, “Fly By Night”
Scooter, “Fire”
Big Country, “In a Big Country”
Depeche Mode, “Blasphemous Rumours”
Future Sound of London, “Expander”
The Black Crowes, “Remedy”
Underworld, “Jumbo”
Roy Orbison, “You Got It”
Q-Tip, “Vivrant Thing”
Rammstein, “Du Hast”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Jennifer Lopez’s first husband, Ojani Noa, has filed a lawsuit against the singer/actress, claiming breach of contract. He was fired as manager of her Madres restaurant in Pasadena, California, despite his claims that the two had a verbal agreement that he would not be fired without “good cause or reason.” He had quit his job as manager of a Los Angeles nightclub in order to take the job at Lopez’s restaurant in 2002, but was fired six months later. Verbal contracts are not legally binding. Fuck this. Merry Christmas.
The Most Ridiculous Items of the Year. Coming in January.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and today I didn’t even have to use my AK; I gotta say it was a good day.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
