The Midnight News 12.27.04

Hey Hooberstanks, I’m Chris and this is the Best of Midnight News Special Edition!

Oh for Chrissakes, don’t log off… this is worth it.

Widro suggested that I use this week to slap together a best of ’04 column for this week. When Widro invites me to do less work, I can NEVER say no.

But I didn’t want to do a ’04 best of. 2004 is pretty early, my material needs YEARS to properly age into the quaint, uproarious injection of hilarity that you kids need so badly.

Thus, I COMBED the MidNews archives and pulled segments from 01 right up until 03… with one VERY SPECIAL segment from earlier this year, which you can find at the end.

Not much set-up here, I have them all dated. I just want you to understand that this isn’t a retro look at WRESTLING news as much as it’s a little gloss over this COLUMN… why, there is plenty of stuff that has nothing to do with rasslin’, and EVERYTHING to do with me and my shenanigans…

Flea is in here, Stratus is in here, The Rick is in here, Hal Jotsky is in here, Tammy Sytch is in here… lots of stuff is in here. A lot more stuff was gonna be in here, but the Inside Pulse posting board can only handle so much.

And later this week, I have a pretty big And Another Thing year end extravaganza… you’ll like it.

Anyway, enjoy this… because I honestly do not know how many new ones I have left in me. We’ll talk about that later.

Have at it…

HOGAN PULLS AN OJ!!

This is an alarming breaking story…. a big 411 EXCLUSIVE!

Hyatte, I had a dream about Hogan last night. He tried to kill me. He had it all setup and made twins stab him so he had an alibi and then he had them stab me…Hes a clever sort.

MisfitSoda@aol.com

Yeah, that’s right… I am reporting PEOPLE’S DREAMS!!! DEAL WITH IT, LOSERS!!!

09.27.01

THE ANTISTUD

Picked this up from Scherer. The sheer geekiness of it is astounding.

John sent this in. … I am the owner of an adult sized WCW United States Title. I am hoping to trade this to somebody in exchange for an adult sized WCW World Heavyweight Title. If you are interested, email me at Spy683@AOL.com.

Jesus… and you wonder why I think 90% of you are fags.

09.27.01

GEORGE CLOONEY AND THE ASSMAN

In my ENDLESS crusade to bring you the goddam best entertainment I can, I give you THIS… The name is changed (God, I hope). It’s all real.

Hyatte1com: First off, you’re a reader of mine, right?
Deep Throat Tony: yes

Hyatte1com: and you work for a credit card company?
Deep Throat Tony: yes

Hyatte1com: what do you do for the credit card company?
Deep Throat Tony: Fraud analyst
Hyatte1com: meaning?
Deep Throat Tony: Calls come in, I determine if the account activity, or the account itself, is valid

Hyatte1com: and sometimes, you personally call people to personally verify that they made such and such purchase of such and such dollars on such and such time?
Deep Throat Tony: Yes, I do

Hyatte1com: so, you and your co-workers personally talked to celebrities
Deep Throat Tony: We do

Hyatte1com: and you know what funny things they buy with their credit card
Deep Throat Tony: We know everything they buy

Hyatte1com: and you spoke to a WWE wrestler?
Deep Throat Tony: Yes

Hyatte1com: who?
Deep Throat Tony: Billy Gunn

Hyatte1com: Bad Ass Billy Gunn. And what did Billy Gunn purchase?
Deep Throat Tony: Health club memberships and “hair treatments”
Hyatte1com: Hair treatments? What kind of hair treatments?
Deep Throat Tony: I’m guessing plugs

Hyatte1com: How much?
Deep Throat Tony: Over two thousand dollars, that flagged the system
Hyatte1com: in one shot?
Deep Throat Tony: yes

Hyatte1com: one blanket purchase of over $2000 in “hair treatment”?
Deep Throat Tony: yes. He’s an arrogant tool.
Hyatte1com: what makes you say that?
Deep Throat Tony: He was snotty. “How dare you question my charges?” Well, sparky, according to the cardmember agreement, we have the right to. I said that, except the sparky part

Hyatte1com: so he was embarrassed and defensive
Deep Throat Tony: Yes.
Hyatte1com: when was this, anyway?
Deep Throat Tony: About a year and a half ago
Deep Throat Tony: Right before he came back to the WWE

Hyatte1com: okay, what other famous person have you or your co-workers talked to?
Deep Throat Tony: I’ve talked to one of the Bee Gees, actually talked guitars with him for a while…CNN reporter called me a prick…George Clooney’s called in too

Hyatte1com: Which CNN reporter called you a “prick” and why?
Deep Throat Tony: Elsa Klensch, style reporter. Lost her card and wanted a new card the next day. Small problem, she called on a Sunday. She had to wait until Tuesday and went off on me. Like I control Fed Ex

Hyatte1com: Did you talk to George Clooney?
Deep Throat Tony: No, but the girl two cubes down did. Porn and hooker charges, hitting on the rep…

Hyatte1com: Hooker charges? How do Hookers accept credit cards?
Deep Throat Tony: “Escort services”
Hyatte1com: wow… how much porn and babes did Clooney get?
Deep Throat Tony: Couple of grand worth
Hyatte1com: in one shot?
Deep Throat Tony: Here and there. “escorts” charge a lot

Hyatte1com: how was Clooney over the phone? Was he embarrassed too?
Deep Throat Tony: Not at all. He was relaxed enough to flirt with the rep

Hyatte1com: really? How do you know?
Deep Throat Tony: She told me. It was cute, she was all flustered. Told her she had a cute voice, asked where her accent was from…

Hyatte1com: so he’s a serious “player”… even off camera. Always turning on the charm
Deep Throat Tony: Exactly

Hyatte1com: last thing Tony, is this a scam, or are you telling the absolute truth?
Deep Throat Tony: the truth
Hyatte1com: swear to my audience
Deep Throat Tony: I swear
Hyatte1com: okay, thanks

Why would George Clooney even NEED an escort service?

My best answer… why NOT?

Gotta respect the fact that morning, noon, and night… no matter WHO he’s speaking to, he’s ALWAYS on the “mack”

Poor Billy.

Heh.

07.15.02

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX MRS. TRISH HYATTE

Oh, it’ll happen one day… oh yes.

Truth is, Trish Stratus and I talk for maybe 5 minutes a clip before she logs off (blocks me AWAYY) maybe once every other week. I don’t bother her… she’s on her own time and I don’t want to bother her. Who am I? Nobody, that’s who. Girl is waaay out of my league.

But she’s a sweetheart… and I have proof. What follows is a conversation between Trish and someone named “Jimmy Jett”. Now, Jimmy sent me an e-mail and made it clear that he was just messing around with her… and had a damn funny riff about Canada in there that I laughed at… but gee whiz… no WONDER the Net has a bad rep. Check this exchange out (it’s brief) and PLEASE note how Trish takes the joking around with GALLONS of grace and patience. She’s really a classy gal. This is a REAL conversation from AIM:

uhaveveinyboobs: hey
Trish: haha good name bro
uhaveveinyboobs: thanks
uhaveveinyboobs: so what are you up to?
Trish: chatting to geeks with weird s/ns

uhaveveinyboobs: haha i’d hate to be one of them
Trish: lol good one
uhaveveinyboobs: i’m eating fried chicken and looking for my pants
Trish: well the first is good

uhaveveinyboobs: your match on raw was good
Trish: Thank you. Wasn’t too veiny?
uhaveveinyboobs: eh, i’ve seen veinier, you have more veins on your boobs than my grandma does on her legs

Trish: Did your gran pay 3k for her legs
uhaveveinyboobs: no, her veins are all natural
Trish: haha I fed you that one

uhaveveinyboobs: you’re a very good sport, most celebrities I IM block me by now, but their boobs aren’t as veiny
uhaveveinyboobs: well… tom arnolds might be
Trish: I’m getting close
uhaveveinyboobs: have you ever dated tom arnold?
Trish: no
uhaveveinyboobs: it’s a shame, your kids would have the veiniest boobs on the planet

uhaveveinyboobs: you should form a tag team with Kane
uhaveveinyboobs: The Vein and Kane Connection

uhaveveinyboobs: so what’s Michael Cole like in real life? I bet he gets ALL the chicks. and a few guys as well
Trish: he’s married and a pro guy

uhaveveinyboobs: I wish I was a professional guy Is there a Michael Cole Finishing School I can go to?
Trish: ah well maybe one day u can be as cool as cole

uhaveveinyboobs: one time my friend got to rub goldust
Trish: well praise heaven

uhaveveinyboobs: he ran before he could get rubbed back
uhaveveinyboobs: hey, do you think you can come to my birthday party?
uhaveveinyboobs: there will be free cake and ice cream
uhaveveinyboobs: and you can bring a friend, but only one, my mom gets pissed if there’s too many people over
uhaveveinyboobs: it would be cool if you could bring some chips
uhaveveinyboobs: oh, never mind. I forgot you live in Canada I don’t like Canadian chips. my friend gave me some, they tasted like chewing on a christmas tree
uhaveveinyboobs: what? cat got your veins?
uhaveveinyboobs: well I have to go goodnight sweet veiny breasted lady
Trish: nite

There you have it. Guys… people… if you meet a wrestler online… TRY… for god’s sakes TRY to remember that they are human beings too. With feelings and EVERYTHING.

09.02.02

MY THREE STOOGES

Oh… oh this is gonna hurt. It’s also going to be longer than usual… but the pay-off is unbelievable. You may HATE me after you read this. I may lose a few readers. Widro may bitch at me too.

So, a couple of months ago, I started wondering what could I do to a web guy that would really drop jaws? How could I take bashing to a whole new level?

I had an idea. I started wondering how cool it would be if I could get a girl to seduce one of these phony ass web writers who always carried themselves like they were above normal humans. What if I could get a girl to expose just how dippy these boys actually are.

And my God in Heaven… it worked. It worked SO well that the girl had to end it because he fell in LOVE with her… within just a few weeks. It was embarrassing how HARD he fell… it was so embarrassing that I started to feel bad and ended it before he REALLY made a fool out of himself.

The FOLLOWING IS 100% TRUE… I SWEAR TO GOD!! I COULD NOT MAKE THIS UP IF I TRIED!!

scaia? scaia is a nice guy. HE is the most normal human being in the scene. he’s beyond the immaturity. Scaia blows away hyatte, eric, grut and flea’s humorless, self-important shit any day of the week.

One of The Rick’s writers… a reader sent me this chat transcript.

Bad news… the Rick isn’t blowing ANYTHING… and apparently never did.

I have this friend, a girl, who took my challenge to seduce the Rick. She tried to break down the hard built walls of OORick and turn him into a quivering blob of lovesick jello. She asked for an alias… so for the purposes of this story, she will be known as “Nicola Sixx”. She’s a hottie too, by the way.

It was painfully easy. After just a couple of friendly IM messages (and someone PLEASE break it to poor Zimmerman that yes, OORick is Rick Scaia… he admitted as much to the girl AND claims that he lied because of “all the harassment”. He also called those who dare contact him “mushrooms.” Weeds from shit that keep sprouting up. He hopes that they will eventually peter out and leave him alone. After everyone reads this, I think it’s safe to say OORick will be dealing with you mushrooms for a long time to come.), a little flirting, and one check with a mutual friend to make sure the girl was “legit”… the Rick developed a little crush.

The only error my girl made was that she gave him her phone number too quickly… most of their chats occurred over the phone…

But, just so you see how much of a PLAYA the Rick is… here is a very quick exchange AIM exchange:

OORick: Hi 🙂
Nicola Sixx: hi

OORick: How’s life, pretty lady?
Nicola Sixx: Good, I had a massage today.

OORick:
Nicola Sixx: huh?

OORick: 😉

Nicola Sixx: Only on to check email, I have to pick my dog up
OORick: Can I call you later?

Dig those smiley faces… dig those winks. That’s a MAN for ya.

Now, it should be pointed out that Nicola is online ALL the time. She actively AVOIDED talking to the Rick. She hated him. He made her feel “queasy” was her exact words.

Why? Well, during their very first phone call, you know, where you do your best to impress the girl? Ol’ Rick divided his time between talking to her and watching the Sci Fi channel. Come on Rick… turn off Star Trek just once, WILL YOU PLEASE?

Oh, and how do I KNOW she was telling me the truth? Because I now have Rick’s phone number. Hey Rick, does 330-823-**** ring any bells? Is there a 6 and a 0 somewhere in those last 4 #’s?

Oh, and yes, I called him too. I wonder if Ricky remembers THIS phone call:

Hello?
Is Rick there?
This is Rick. Who’s this?
Rick SKYYAAA?
This is he, who’s this?
Okay, just making sure.

*Click

Well, it’s not like I had nothing to SAY to the guy.

Oh, it’s him all right.

Anyway, the weeks went by and the Rick fell deeper and deeper in love. The phone calls got more and more “sexual”… but Nicola noticed that the Rick’s idea of sex talk involved “lots of $5 words”.

THE RICK ACTUALLY USED THE WORD “INDUBITABLY”… IN REAL LIFE

I want to lick you all over!” So says the Rick. This induced actual nausea in my girl.

I want to stick my tongue in and out of your vagina” So says the Rick… an actual quote. Not “pussy”, not “love hole”, no… he had to be TECHNICAL. Nicola pointed out that at no time did the Rick talk about touching her clit… her exact words “Chris, I don’t think he has ever gone down on a woman before, and if he did, he must have pissed her off”

Poor guy.

Poor Rick starting getting SO worked up… Nicola described the sound he makes when he’s beating off over the phone… there is heavy breathing involved… some hard panting… and… I shit you not… the sound of fist against flab in a kind of sloppy slapslapslapslap Nicola said it was “like hearing a stuffy college professor getting off”

The man is 28.

Finally we killed it. She couldn’t take it anymore and I started feeling a little bad. Originally, the plan was to get a cyber sex transcript and a photo of him, preferably nude… but neither of us wanted to continue. So she told him that she went back with her boyfriend… The Rick, of course, told her that she would be MUCH HAPPIER with him.

Then Nicola told him that she only started talking to him to “get back at Hyatte”

Well, the Rick flew into what Nicola called a “stuttering rant” about me that “lasted over five minutes”. He called me “sick”, he said I was “obsessed” (If I was I would have pushed for the cybersex), he said I “needed help”. He even brought up Scooter and CRZ as OTHER guys who I constantly harass. Yes, even in REAL life, My Three Stooges band together.

He said, and I quote, “Hyatte!!! He hates women!! You can TELL!!!” The girl said she had to bite her lip hard to keep from laughing in his ear.

Now, want to know WHY I did this? WHY he deserves it? Because of what the Rick said next…

Hyatte is nothing but a panderer! He is vulgar! He appeals to the lowest common denominator!

I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

People… we share the EXACT SAME AUDIENCE… we ALL DO. Me, Him, Scooter, Keller, Ryder… trust me… THIS IS NOT A MASSIVE, DIVERSE AUDIENCE. So, if you read ME… essentially, you are scum and could not handle the highbrow opinions of the Rick.

Yeah, well at least I know how to work the clit. I’m not afraid of the little man in the canoe, big boy

The good news in all this? I can safely announce that the Rick is not gay. He might as well be, apparently… but he isn’t.

He also is not a Viking either… which makes his top secret VIKING web page even FUNNER to read in perspective. (I strongly doubt his claims of “taking wenches”)

So, we reach the end of this sad story of web love gone awry. Am I proud of what I did? hell yes, opportunities like this come only every so often… damn straight I’d go for it.

By the way… what did Nicola Six get out of this? All she wanted was plaster mold of my pecker for seducing the Rick. “Women Who Love Guys Who Hate Women”, on the next Montel.

See, when you learn NOT to fear the clit, a WHOLE WORD opens up for you.

OORick will never log on AIM again, I’m afraid. He’ll certainly never trust anyone again. Heh… I love it when I make people DREAD logging on. HA.

Next up, Nicola gets CRZ to cheat on his girlfriend… from what I’m hearing, he’s pretty much RIPE for it.

Oh, right… umm, Rick, Nicola wanted you to know that her battery did NOT run out. She just got bored.

Quick, how many people REALLY, REALLY wish Rick re-starts “Ask The Rick” now? Aren’t there about a HUNDRED questions who want to ask him now? HA!!

10.28.02

ANOTHER SONG PARODY YOU CAN’T HEAR!!!

Fat Pat McNeil is gonna show me!

Oh, not only will he keep his silly “Internet Idol” going (because it’s the COOLEST IDEA EVER!!!) but JUST to show everone paying attention that I do NOT affect him he ran a very special song parody in his (IgotnothingtosaybutsinceIcan’tgoaweekwithoutwriting19columns) Torch Raw report. A Paul Simon cover”¦ because EVERYONE knows the Paul Simon library.

Hey look, I’m the puppeteer and Pat’s my Lambchop! I pull a string and watch how he responds!

Okay, I can keep this up. This song parody is about Trish Stratus. It’s based on the Maddonna song “Like a Virgin””¦ if you don’t know the song, you’re shit out of luck because song parodies DO NOT WORK IN PRINT BUT I’M THE ONLY IDIOT WHO SEEMS TO REALIZE THIS!!!!

Anywhoo”¦

Like A Virgin by Madonna

I once talked to a girl named Trish
And she thinks I’m a tool
Took me only ten minutes
Before writing “I love you”

She made me beat, my little meat
Gunked my screen
And she had no clue
But she made me feel
Yeah she made me feel
That she was turned on too

I’m a virgin, HEY
Going out of my mind
I’m a virgin
I’ll stalk Trish, and make her mine

Gonna spend all my time online
Reading Scott Keith’s rants
And when Trish shows up
I’m gonna ripoff my pants

She’s so kind, with a nice behind
Mine has flab, and a sloppy stinkhole
‘cause I never wipe-up
no I neeeEEEver wipe-up
Can’t reach that damn hoooOOOooole

I’m a Virgin HEY
Horny and out of my mind
I’m a Viiiiiirgin
Trish has big tits, but smaller than mine

Whooo whoooHoooHoooOOOooooo AHH

Trish is sweet, and petite
She likes to lick, my big smelly feet
And then I wake up
Yeah theeEEEeen I wake up
Needing to change my sheeeeeets

I’m a Virgin. HEY!
No chick ever gave me her time
I’m a Viiiiiiiiirgin
Trish has no clue, that’s she’s gonna be mine

I’m a Virgin
Oooo ooo I’m a Virgin
And Trish likes me, and she wants me, and my shlong beats, and I touch me
Oh hoooo ho ho ho Ho hoooo ho ho ho hooo

Oh Trish baby”¦ yeah
Wanna chop her sweet head
And mount it on my wall

Thank you”¦ oh thank you”¦

Okay Pat”¦ perform for me, bitch.

Shh”¦ listen closely and you can hear Trish Stratus block Hyatte1com off her Buddy List”¦ now you can hear her calling the FBI.

04.21.03

KEVIN NASH IS THE COOLEST RASSLER EVER AND I HAVE PROOF!!

You know, I really have to work on my titles here.

It’s easy to see why the Net hates Kevin Nash. He’s tall. He’s a wiseass. He has four moves. He won’t put over Benoit. He’s HHH’s friend. He’s probably banged more models than most of you have jerked off. Oh he sucks.

No, no, NOOOOO Nash has, and always will”¦ RULE”¦ because he has EXPOSED THE GOOFINESS OF THE BUSINESS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE

Case in point”¦ in 1994 Big Daddy Cool Diesel just won the WWF title from Bob Backlund. He showed up on WWF TV for an in-ring interview with Vince McMahon. Vince (kayfabbing his ass off, as he was wont to do back then) asked Nash how he felt being the new world champion. Diesel said this:

Well, I woke up this morning and there was a smile on my face that wasn’t there before.

For some reason, it stuck with me”¦ to this day I remember it. I don’t know why.

CUT TO

One year later: Big Daddy Cool Diesel had just dropped the WWF title to Bret Hart at Survivor Series. The next night on Raw, Nash storms into the building and (after a commercial break) goes over to the announce table and grabs a microphone. He cuts a promo about how the kinder/gentler face Diesel was gone and the bad ass killer from “Royal Rumble in Providence” was baaaack.

He also looked at McMahon and said: “I was never comfortable as champion. I knew I was in for trouble when YOU, Vince, took me into your office and told me to start SMILING more! You wanted to see your new champion with a big SMILE, all the time!“

And I damn near fell out of my chair. Since I was no where near the net back then, it was the closest I came to seeing the inner working of the WWF. They actually want their champions to smile”¦ to pose with the kids”¦ to sell themselves as a HERO.

Well, okay”¦ it’s not too friggin’ mind blowing”¦ but it’s way cool to hear him bitch about it.

So why does Nash RULE? WHY?

Because now that Brock Lesnar has the gold”¦ he’s been sporting the LARGEST, BIGGEST, SHIT EATINGEST GRIN I’VE EVER SEEN!!! (and he looks like a moron while doing it, but that’s besides the point) And every time I see him smiling, I think of Nash, and I smile too.

God bless the no-selling, four moves, model banging, knees shot to shit, locker-room troublemaking bastard. GOD BLESS HIM AND FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!

Jesus, you’d never see Benoit making cracks like that”¦ oh no.

04.28.03

THE DEATH IN THE FAMILY

As Wade Keller reported”¦ Pat McNeill didn’t hand in his 5 weekly columns and single extra-long newsletter column last week on account of the passing of his momma.

Even though Pat is a practicing attorney (what do you call a practicing attorney in Pat’s home of West Virginia? WAITER!!! BA-DUM DUM) he promises to have TWICE the columns posted next week just to right this horrible wrong.

Pat also promises to dedicate each column to his momma and attach a song parody dedicated to her in every one”¦ so you people suffering from song parody withdrawal will be fixed up real soon, I promise.

Pat’s song list for his momma includes a parody of Iron Butterfly’s Innagottadivida, Don McLean’s American Pie, Simon and Garfunkle’s Bridge Over Troubled Water, Alice in Chains’ Man In The Box, and Trent Reznor’s Starf*cker.

Might I also suggest Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody? “McNealian Rhapsody” just seems so obvious.

I myself might have done a song parody in her honor right now”¦ but I’m very, very tired.

06.16.03

THE RAT QUEEN OF RHODE ISLAND

Hey HEY”¦ here’s some gossipy news that I promise NO ONE ELSE HAS.

It looks Jerry “The King” Lawler has FINALLY gotten over the loss of his young wife Stacey, by, naturally, getting frisky with an even YOUNGER model.

(and by “model” I don’t mean model, I mean”¦ well, like a car or something)

I don’t have all the facts, but I caught word that Lawler is about to move his new babe to Memphis. He’s been with her for a while and my friends say she has pictures of them on vacation and such. Her name is probably Kelly. She is 20 years old.

20 years old.

Now here’s what I can tell you about her. Never met or seen the gal, but I know Rhode Island.

-She’s from North Providence”¦ which means she is Italian.

-It also means she probably has frizzy, poofed up Jersey girl mall hair which is more than likely fried harder than a pork rind.

-It also means she is dumber than a box of tampons

-It also means that she has no less than 4 brothers

-It also means that at some point, all of her brothers will take Lawler aside (one at a time) and promise to “put him in the grave” if he ever f*cks with their sister.

-It means that her brothers will be wearing tank tops to show off their hairy muscles when they make said promise.

-It also means that each of her brothers will brag to Lawler about how they can “beat the shit” out of every WWE wrestler currently on both rosters. “Goldberg? He ain’t shit.”

-It means, of course, that they will strongly hint at their “connections””¦

-It means that each of her brothers will ask Lawler to “hook me up, yo” (did I mention that these are white paisans?) with either/or tickets, dope, coke, Stacey Keibler and/or ‘roids immediately after they threaten him with violence, brag about how tough they are, and boast about their non-existent “connections”.

-It also means that they will explain to Lawler about how “nuttin’ in Memphis can compare with the food on Federal Hill.

Finally, this means that when they VISIT Lawler and their sister in Memphis, they will no doubt goof on “these crahppy Memphis ahccens””¦ and get in no less than 4 bahhr fights.

That vag must suck shlongs like a lollipop, ‘cause ol’ Lawler is going to put up with a LOT of nonsense for it.

09.01.03

JUST IN CASE HE WINS ONE”¦

Over at Maven’s web site you find THIS message:

Hey Guys,

After speaking with Maven on the telephone, he is looking to his website and his fans to name his new finisher. If you don’t know already, Maven’s finisher is a middle-rope swinging ddt.

Please vote the names given or supply your own – Only serious posts please as Maven will be seriously considering all the options given to him.

Thanks,
MH.com Staff

First of all”¦ Maven’s site has a f*cking STAFF? BULLSHIT!!

Second of all”¦ Maven’s last name is HUFFMAN? Maven’s a JEW?? Get out! I thought Whoopie Goldberg was the only proud African American allowed to”¦ oh nevermind

Third of all”¦ well, actually, there is no third of all. They do have a nice list of names you can vote on”¦ with the funny thing being that 93% of the votes are going to “Other””¦ and people are making up names.

Made up people are making up names, ‘cause I can’t believe that maven has fans”¦ fans who go to his site and participate in this nonsense.

Anyway, if you want to go see for yourself, and maybe vote”¦ here are some names for his finisher that I recommend:

“MoveIusebeforejobbing”

“The Anyonepayingattentioner”

“The Yes Massa”

“The Curtain Jerker”

“The Move No One Will Sell”

“The Lucky Bastard”

“The Who Gives A Shit”

“The Mave In the Shader”

“BOOTYCALL”

“The Chris Harvard Still Gets A Better Push Even Though I Won The Damn Thing/Must Be ‘Cause I’m Black” Stunner

“The Uncle Tom”

In all fairness, I’m making these up on the fly and it shows.

09.08.03

WHO ENTERTAINS THE SPORTS ENTERTAINERS??

See, sparing no expense, Vince had hired an official EmCee to keep the party hopping and the laughter flowing”¦ luckily for me, he hired an old friend of mine (no doubt based on his BRILLIANT recap of Backlash a few months ago). Straight from the Catskills and straight into your hearts”¦ the one, the only”¦ HAL JOTSKY!!!

I got the tape of Jotsky’s performance at the ceremony”¦. The man was red hot! Take a look:

-Good evening! Valets and Gay Bookers! Sell my Chairshot… please! ba-DUM-dum

-Tonight we celebrate the union of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Levesque! Two bodies sharing one soul! Get a good lawyer Hunter! Or in ten years you’ll only get to visit that soul every third weekend a month, ZAPITTOYA!!!!!

-My wife told me that she wanted to become a wrestler. She said, “Why not? I fake everything else!” YOW

-I came home from a tour one day and found my wife in bed with Ric Flair! I said, “Darling, that’s not the Figure Four he’s got you in”! HEY!

-Wrestling is a funny sport. You kids should do great! Nowhere else do they make you practice mic work on a road agent’s penis. ZAP!

-I told my Wife that my new finisher would be the Sleeper Hold. She said, “You’re gonna have sex with your opponent?” BANG!

-Oh you’re a great crowd. I haven’t heard a pop like this since Mark Henry’s pants let go after spending 2 hours at the Buffet table. HO

-Sit down, Mark, sit down! It’s all for comedy. Speaking of which, I saw your last match. I haven’t seen so many botched moves and clumsy spots since the wife and I tried the Karma Sutra.. BOYHOWDY!!

-And how about our new groom Triple H, huh? I haven’t seen a blade on a face like that since Cactus and Funk went at it in Japan. HE HO!!

-Amd here’s the Nature Boy himself, Ric Flair. I don’t want to say that Ric Flair is old, but that lump on his back just put a down payment on a Condo in Florida. HEY NOW!

-Ahh Hunter, wives are great. My wife for instance is a real beaut. Last night, after we made love, I turned to her and said, “If I wanted to hump a dead person, I would have married the Undertaker!” CANIGETYASOMETHINGNOW!!!

-And someday, you kids will have children of your own! Hunter, follow my advice here. When your son comes up to you and asks, “Dad, why do you fake punched at your opponents, but throw real punches at me?” Tell him “Son, my opponents might be scum sucking, lowlife, sadistic turds who only live to see that I am crippled or dead for the rest of their life, but at least they clean their rooms!” CHA-CHING!

-I tell ya, I feel for you hip cats! I can imagine how tough this business is. The worst part of this business must be when the chain you keep hidden in your tights wraps around your pecker! HOO

-Or how about when the brass knuckles go up your bum? WOW.

-Look, it’s Paul Heyman!! He used to run ECW! And how about that ECW? Once a month, you could go into Philadelphia and watch bodies flying, people crashing into tables, people assaulted by flaming baseball bats, bloody heaps of humanity caught up in barbed wire. Then you can pay for a ticket and see the show. YESSIR!!

-I don’t want to say that ECW didn’t take care of it’s talent, Paul, but I just saw New Jack on the street with a sign that read, “Will slice you’re fat son’s forehead for food”. HUZZA

-How about those Smackdown Cruiserweights, huh?? Mexicans, Jews, and a few darkies!? I don’t know whether to cheer them, or to re-start the Third Reich. HEY COME ON!!!

-And on this night, by coincidence, we also celebrate the one year anniversary of the Katie Vick angle, where Hunter humped a dead, lifeless body! And now, one year later, we have Hulk Hogan jumping on the NWA/TNA company! WHO SAYS PEOPLE DON’T STEAL FROM VINCE MCMAHON!!!! BUTIGOTTATELLYA!!

-Ahhh the WWE Divas! Look at them! Now listen, I don’t want to say that Torrie Wilson’s dumb, but when I asked her where the weirdest place she’s ever gotten a pop, she answered, “In the butt.” YOWZA

-And hey, there’s Shawn Michaels! Boy. He went from being a cocky, arrogant, peppy youngster in to a quiet, depressed, miserable figure. What I want to know is… how long has he been eating my Wife’s cooking? HUWAA

-I came home one night! My wife looked at me and asked “You must be happy to see me!” I looked down and said, “No, it’s just my foreign object!” HAACHAA

-It’s a weird sport Vince. Very strange business you run! I don’t want to say that Wrestling is a GAY sport… but when I first walked into a locker room I thought I died and went to Rock Hudson’s Heaven by mistake! WHOO

-You’ve been a tremendous audience!! Please, make it to the next arena safely. Tip the waitresses and please, please… do not share Steroid needles! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

And Hal was paid in drinks that night”¦ God Bless ‘im.

I’ll get him back here! I promise!

10.27.03

A MESSAGE TO FLEA

The following is a 100% true story, it occurred last Tuesday

Me: (dials a phone number)

Flea: You’ve reached *** ****, please leave a message

*BEEP

Me: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY EYEEEE, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOVE ME AND LEAVE ME TO DIEEE”¦ OHHHH BABY, CAN’T TO THIS TO ME BABY, JUST GOTTA GET OUT, JUST GOTTA GET RIGHT OUT OF HEREEEE BNAW NAW NAW NAW NAW NAW NAW NAW NAW NAWANWA NAW BNAWNANANAAA

Then I hung up.

I need to get laid more, yo.

11.17.03

BYTE WHAT?

I’ve never done this”¦ never thought to. Hell, it never occurred to me to even check it out.

But, as a public service to you, John Q. Stupid, I urge you”¦ STRONGLY urge you, if you have the means and the high speed, to download and watch the latest edition of WWE Byte This.

It’s Bradshaw, Droz, Tazz, Hardcore Holly, and Farooq all talking shit and ragging on the host Josh Matthews. Just a bunch of legit tough guys chillin’ out and talking smack. Farooq is so loose he’s almost incoherent (ie: Boy be talking BLACK)”¦Absolutely great stuff, especially watching little Josh squirm.

-What do 200 abused women have in common? Then Hoes won’t LISTEN! Why is getting a divorce so expensive? IT’S WORTH IT

-You guys want to talk about Survivor Series?

Well we don’t want to talk about you you LITTLE BASTARD

-YOU CAN’T SAY SHIT ON THE INTERNET!! GODDAMMIT DROZ

-I guarantee you Vince McMahon has no idea this little bastard works for him

-Nowinski’s got organ problems”¦ he’s got deficiencies, he’s got no balls

-Speaking of big asses”¦ Molly Holly

Oh!

Oh Man, Bradshaw

Come on, tell her to haul ass, it would take her three trips.

-Are you gonna be sober watching the Survivor Series?

Oh Hell NO

Good, cuz I ain’t gonna be sober wrestling in it

-Okay Farrooq, Jillian from England wants to know when you dropped Faarooq and went back to Ron Simmons

I never dropped Faarooq what kind of quest”¦ who asked that damn ques..

Jillian from England, it’s an e-mail question

I never dro”¦ who is this”¦ where”¦ where’s England?

-Okay Farooq, what’s the secret to longevity in this business?

Because he’s BLACK?? You little racist bastard!

-Welcome back, I’m Bradshaw and I’m gonna answer some of”¦ oh crap, you’re back.

You said you wanted a piece of pizza.

I said I wanted a piece of ass.

Oh”¦ (starts to get up)

Not you, you fruit booty.

-Next thing you’re gonna tell me is Jonathon Coachman is black.

He isn’t?

NO!

Then what is he?

He’s from Kansas.

And at the one hour mark, Bradshaw goes on a rant about the Blue Meanie and Jasmine St Clair that had the entire crew cracking up. WELL worth sifting through the boring stuff.

Now come on”¦ how many times do I plug something WWE-ish? Obviously, if I like it, then it must be worth checking out.

11.17.03

THE WHOLE, UGLY SYTCHUATION

You know”¦ I”¦

Oh man”¦. This is going to be tough. I’ve been dreading this all week long.

Bare with me here.

OOhhh you are going to laugh your asses off.

One day, last July, I was tooling around online when out of nowhere I get this IM:

TamSytch: You should talk about me in your column
Hyatte1com: And you are?
TamSytch: Tammy Sytch
TamSytch: The ORIGINAL WWF Diva

And a relationship was born.

You remember how it went, I’m sure. First she gave me pics of her to post so you folks can see how in or out of shape she is. Then she started tossing in little bon mots for this column, which turned into big, long columns within this column all for her. It was a natural, smooth progression from someone who liked what she was doing with me. And was enjoying herself.

Personally, she was cool. We didn’t talk much. I didn’t see her log on too many times and when she did, we rarely talked. Every so often, she’d get chatty and toss out some random comments. Such as:

TamSytch: I once f*cked someone in a broom closet

TamSytch: Will you plug my butt? I need a good but, plug

TamSytch: I need a rat. Will you be my rat, Hyatte.

TamSytch: It’s weird reading letters from guys who say they masturbated to my image.

But other than that, it was fairly business-like. She didn’t seem to want to talk and I didn’t bother her.

Time went by, her columns got longer and longer. She even wrote like I would imagine she would, with lots of little grammatical errors that took forever to fix, because God knows, I had to make her segment SPECIAL. I was honored, after all.

See, I KNOW people in the biz read me. They have to, the IWC audience is too damn small for the number of unique hits I get. But people in the biz hardly, if EVER speak up and certainly not to me. With someone like Scherer, Meltzer, or Keller, of course”¦ but not to a big time “B-Site” player like me. (Irony of ironies, the B-site guys have a much larger audience than the “A-Sites”, it just doesn’t appear to be the case because only the hard-core A-Site loyalists speak up on their message boards”¦ it’s a weird little vibe), so I had no problems believing a former player/current outcast like Tammy Sytch would read this. I DO try to keep my head level and my ego fairly grounded, but gee whiz, I am a human being.

Anywhoo, time marched on and she obviously enjoyed what she was doing here life was good and all was well”¦

Until Tammy Sytch spoke up on some ridiculous Indy website message board:

I JUST FOUND OUT TONIGHT THAT I “WRITE” A COLUMN ON MISSY’S WEBSITE OR ANYWHERE ELSE. HERE IS THE 411 ON THAT–IT’S NOT ME. I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO MISSY IN ABOUT 2 YEARS, AND I DEFINITELY WOULDN’T HELP HER GET HITS ON HER SITE. SHE IS MAKING IT ALL UP HERSELF, WELL SOMEONE IS, MAYBE BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY. I AM NOT TRYING TO BASH HER, BUT SHE HAS A LOT MORE DEMONS AND PROBLEMS THAN I HAVE EVER HAD.

NOW, IT IS IRONIC HOW MANY PEOPLE RESPONDED TO MY POST AND BASHED ME. DON’T YOU BASHERS ALL REALIZE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE SPENT IN 14 YEARS WATCHING ME? AND BUYING MY MERCHANDISE? AND JERKING OFF TO MY PICTURES? I DO THANK ALL THOSE SUPPORTERS WHO HAVE WRITTEN SOME VERY NICE THINGS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. BUT, ISN’T IT FUNNY THAT MY POST IS THE BIGGEST NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK–EVEN WITH THOSE OF YOU WHO SAY YOU NEVER LIKED ME? IF YOU REALLY HATED ME SO MUCH, WOULDN’T YOU NOT READ AND RESPOND???

I FIND IT ALL AMUSING. DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND THAT ANYTHING NEGATIVE BOTHERS ME. I AM NOT LOSING ANY SLEEP OVER THIS. I WAS TAUGHT BY A VERY SMART PERSON NAMED JIM CORNETTE THAT ALL PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY, SO I WELCOME ALL OPINIONS. IT SATISFIES ME TO KNOW HOW MUCH I AM IN ALL YOUR HEADS.

AS FOR JASMINE ST. CLAIRE RUNNING HER MOUTH ABOUT ME, I LOVE IT!! IT MAKES ME FEEL SO GOOD TO KNOW THAT SHE THINKS OF ME SO MUCH. AND AS FAR AS HER SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT MY PROBLEMS, I THINK TAKING A SOMA OR VALIUM THAT IS PRESCRIBED TO ME IS A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN HER BEING HOOKED ON CRACK. I HAVE AN EYEWITNESS THAT TOLD ME THAT’S ALL SHE DID WHEN SHE WORKED FOR ROB BLACK. I AM HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I HAVE MADE AN IMPACT ON THIS BUSINESS, WHILE ALL SHE HAS DONE IS PORN, SLEPT WITH THOUSANDS OF MEN AND WOMEN AND THE BLUE FREAKIN’ MEANIE (YUCK!!), TRIED TO RUN SHOWS THAT SUCK AND LOSE MONEY, AND WATCHED COUNTLESS TAPES OF ME TRYING TO LEARN SOMETHING–OBVIOUSLY THAT DIDN’T WORK. I AM SURPRISED SHE HASN’T DIED FROM AIDS YET.

AS TO THE KNOW IT ALLS OUT THERE WHO THINK THEY KNOW MY LIFE STORY, YOU DON’T REALIZE THAT I AM A WORKER. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS BUSINESS IS A FABRICATION OF THE TRUTH. YOU ALL DON’T KNOW IF MY SUPPOSED PROBLEMS, MY CHOICE OF FUTURE CAREER, MY RETIREMENT, OR ANYTHING ELSE IS TRUE OR NOT. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE TRUTH ARE ME AND CHRIS. IT IS FUNNY HOW PEOPLE CAN MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT OTHERS BASED UPON WHAT SOME LOSER WHO LIVES IN HIS PARENTS BASEMENT WRITES ON A COMPUTER. PLEASE GET A LIFE.

AS FOR MY CAREER CHOICE, MY STARTING PAY IS $40 PER HOUR, AND I NEVER HAVE TO PAY FOR A FLIGHT AGAIN. AND I STILL GET TO TRAVEL THE WORLD. HOW MUCH DO SOME OF YOU WHO WORK AT MC DONALD’S MAKE PER HOUR? OH, I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THOSE FREE CHEESEBURGERS YOU GET. WHAT A PERK!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO, I INVITE ALL OF YOU TO CONTINUE WRITING YOUR INNERMOST FEELINGS ABOUT ME AND MY POSTS. IT REALLY IS ENTERTAINING FOR ME. I LOVE THAT YOU BASHERS CAN’T GET ME OUT OF YOUR MINDS!!!!

TA TA FOR NOW, I CAN WAIT TO READ YOUR RESPONSES

TAMMY

I FI FORGOT TO MENTION, I AM RETIRING THIS YEAR. I’TS ALMOST 14 YEARS IN THIS BIZ, IT’S NOT FUN OR WORTH THE AGGRIVATION ANYMORE. I HAVE A FEW MORE SHOWS AND TWO OVERSEAS TOURS BOOKED, AND THEN I AM BECOMING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. MY LEG HASN’T FULLY RECOVERD FROM A YEAR AGO DECEMBER 5TH—I TORE MY RIGHT QUADRICEP MUSCLE IN TEXAS IN A MATCH, AND I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO TRAIN CORRECTLY FOR A YEAR NOW. SO, YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT MY CURRENT PHYSICAL CONDITION, BUT I AM INJURED AND I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OPINIONS. IF YOU DON’T APPRECIATE MY WORK AND WHAT I’VE DONE FOR THIS BIZ, THEN, GET UP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM DURING MY MATCHES. I REALLY WON’T MISS THIS STUFF BECAUSE IT BASICALLY IS A CRUEL AND DEMEANING BUSINESS. IT DID A LOT FOR ME AND CC, BUT I DON’T HAVE THE PASSION FOR IT ANY MORE. SO, MAYBE I CAN SERVE YOU ALL A DRINK AND PRETZELS ON CONTINENTAL AIRLINES!!

TA TA FOR NOW—TAM

“¦”¦

Okayyyyy

For the record, my Tammy couldn’t spell for shit and wouldn’t know an apostrophe if she cooked it in her pipe, but at least she didn’t keep the Caps Lock button deployed.

To further the matter, the owner of the Message board, and the Indy fed that it supported, started posting not-so veiled threats on the 411 forums about ceasing and desisting any claims that Tammy wrote for “Missy Hyatt’s 411 website”. He also had Chris Candido on his own, personal hotline say outright that Tammy does NOT write for Missy Hyatt.

Side note: The owner of the message board and the Indy fed is named Frank Goodman aka: The Masked Maniac. He operates his fed out of Queens and I have sources who say he is a true douchebag in every sense. A former wrestler, he has enough connections to not only score the top names for his company, but also has a relative on the New York State Athletic Commission who uses his clout to keep other indy feds from running shows in the area, the most recent being a show Steve Corino tried to book for this past Saturday. Apparently, Mr. Goodman is in a war with just about every Indy in New Jersey and is known to blow up his gate numbers. He is also a total mark for himself and has that hotline for no reason other than because he likes to hear himself talk. From all accounts, a true example of how Indy politics are even worse than major league politics only because those involved are so small minded. Also, if his hotline were any more low rent it would have to go on welfare. Why he chose to get in my face about this the way he did, rather than go the cool route with me and talk it out like men is beyond me, but f*ck him and his simple ass.

So, I wrote to my Tammy”¦ actually, the FIRST thing I did was log onto her yahoo account (I created it, so I knew the password) I saw that Goodman (or someone representing him) also wrote to my Tammy with the whole cease and desist”¦ and my Tammy answered”¦

And”¦ well”¦ she said that she wasn’t the Tammy Sytch who appeared on his message board. Which is vague enough to not EXACTLY be a denial.

So I e-mailed her a letter”¦ still convinced that I had the real girl.

TamSytch logged on AIM not too long after”¦

TamSytch: So, how did Orson Wells admit that the War of the World was a hoax?

Oh f*ck me.

Oh CRAP!!

God DAMN IT

Shit.

And, of course: D’OH

Ladies and gentlemen”¦ after almost 7 years of doing this web thing, after almost 7 years of keeping one step ahead of everyone”¦ I finally let my ego get the better of me and fell for it. I finally was scammed. I finally was hoodwinked.

Jesus Christ, I was Black Scorpioned.

And to make matters worse, my Tammy, the girl who spent so many of my columns here putting herself over and delivering not all that bad commentary, wasn’t even a GIRL”¦ he is a GUY FROM KENTUCKY!!! (I think; he wisely refuses to say).

ALL THIS TIME I’VE BEEN KISSING THE ASS OF A GUY!!! CALLING HIM HONEYBUNCH, AND DARLING, AND PEACHES!!!! You’ve seen it! You’ve watched me FAWN OVER THIS DUDE!!! YOU’VE SEEN ME KISS HIS ASS AND IT MADE MOST OF YOU SICK!!! (Scotsman didn’t talk to me for months because of it)

Oh MAN!!

Look, I’m not a dumb guy and I swear to Christ I’m not THAT easily led astray. The guy did some hard-core research here. He sent me pics of Tammy working with Candido in Puerto Rico at the exact time they were supposed to be working there. The guy played “her role” perfectly, TamSytch was always cautious about speaking to me online, never gave up too much info, acting as naturally paranoid as one would expect. She played every note just right”¦ and played me right to hell. I will NOT bullshit you here, I bought it hook, line and sinker. I mean, who the f*ck would bother researching Tammy Sytch??

And, although I’m no rube (all evidence to the contrary not withstanding), I just find it hard to believe that anyone would have the balls to try this, and continue to work it without fear of repercussion. It just isn’t fathomable to me that anyone would take the time to do this. The guy even threw a fit when Flea posted “her” aol addy instead of the yahoo addy when he filled in for me a few weeks ago”¦ that’s hard-core method acting right there, chief.

The truth is, I was played and 411 was played because I was played, but no one but the guy himself knew who TamSytch really was. Legally, he’s the one who is in the most trouble, and he isn’t even IN any trouble because he did NOTHING to demean Tammy Sytch’s name NOR did he seek any profit from this venture. In fact, the guy did all he could to improve Tammy’s name. Had Tammy or Candido bothered to look, (and from what I gather, they only recently have had access to the internet, through her mother’s computer, which is in her mother’s house, which they now live in), they might very well say thank you to the guy for helping to improve her image. But they certainly don’t have to and they do have every right to be pissed, if they are. (the good news is that, based on what I heard on that hotline, they are more “amused” than anything else)

The DUDE wrote a “Last Bytch”, but you know what, he took enough of my column space. In a nutshell, he says that he started this thing to “get me” in some sort of embarrassing situation (cybersex) and then sell the information to the Rick or Scooter or someone”¦ but I turned out to be a cool guy and NOTHING like the asshole he thought I’d be. Plus he was having so much fun doing his column that he let his own ego get the better of him and decided to keep doing this for as long as he could. The guy did have some smart things to say and, well, you read him”¦ didn’t he say shit that you could TOTALLY see Tammy Sytch, or someone LIKE her say?

Oh, and before you suggest it, the answer is no, he cannot have a regular column under his real name. I personally wouldn’t mind (hey, I applaud the dude for completely shanking me), but he DID put 411 in a potentially bad position. Neither Widro nor Ashish wants him anywhere near our site, and who could blame them? Too bad too, because we really need a TNA recapper.

So that’s it. I was suckered. Played like a chump, and walked right into it freely. And ya’ know what, I’m GLAD”¦ I took the shot”¦ rolled the dice, risked this embarrassment and went for it! I guess I SHOULD apologize to Tammy Sytch, but naaaah”¦ why bother. She can’t even get the site right”¦ too busy fighting her hubbie in the lobby of Florida hotels half naked and creating such a cracked out ruckus that it took both Raven and Sabu to take the cops out of arresting them, I guess.

Oh screw it, I apologize to Miss Sytch. I wasn’t in on the gag.

Actually, I SHOULD apologize to you, the reader, because I swore up and down and channeled my considerable WILL into convincing you that “Tammy” was legit. But I have something better in mind here.

See, I deserve to be punished for this”¦ I f*cked up. Lot of people have been waiting for this. The asshole got punk’d”¦ oh hell YEAH he did. Punk’d HUGE.

So I want you to let me have it. I want you to flame the living shit out of me. Send me the worst, sickest, most ball busting e-mail you can. Have at me. Bury me. Rip me a new asshole and then buttf*ck it. I will post every single one of them with zero response. No addresses will be posted. Whatever name you want to sign off on, if any, will be what I put here. Been reading me for years and love me? Then you should feel betrayed. Been reading me for years and hate me? This is your chance to rip the ever loving shit out of me without so much as a comment”¦ this will be your forum next week to tell everyone reading what a stupid piece of shit I am”¦ and I will thank you for it and ask for more.

And for those of you who do NOT want to admit to reading me”¦ I have you covered with this:

Dear asshole, I haven’t read your bullshit for years, but after this whole Tammy thing went down, I had to see how you would try to worm out of this like the scumbag loser that you are. Since you asked, I thought I’d point out just what a f*cking moron you really are”¦ there”¦ clip that on the top of your letter and fire away.

I want to take my medicine”¦ you know in medieval times they had that “rack” device in the middle of the town square where rule breakers would be locked in head and hands first and townspeople would get to razz them and throw shit at them? Well, this is the next best thing.

Next week for the first time EVER, I will be YOUR bitch.

You’ll never get this opportunity again. Make the most of it.

Oh f*ck me”¦ I blew it, kids.

02.09.04

LADIES DON’T LOVE COOL HY

Yeah”¦ I talk all cool and stuff and act like a playa”¦ but here’s a little truth for you.

A long time ago, I made the decision that I’d be better off alone. It was half my choice and half-circumstances”¦ more or less it was me saying, “Hey, you know”¦ I’ve been alone my whole life”¦ I sort of am used to it”¦ and it’s a lot easier on the heart”¦ let’s ride this out and hopefully, I’ll be dead by 40.”

And for the most part, it works. I’m fairly mellow”¦ have rare moments of stress”¦ and get to do what I want when I want. Getting laid is a lot tougher once you reach the far edge of your 20’s, but you deal.

Still”¦ every so often, you wonder if maybe you have something special enough to consider breaking your vow. You begin to”¦ well, hope may be too strong a word, how about imagine? Yeah, you start imagining life on the other side when something comes up.

Well”¦ then SHE has to go away for a while”¦ and you don’t see her. She lets her cell phone number dry out and you never see her online. She goes back to her family during the summer.

You try to keep in touch through e-mail”¦ but she rarely responds and when she does, it’s short”¦ but not rude”¦ it’s just that she’s a shy girl who is uncomfortable communicating her feelings. It’s kind of cute, actually. You get off on watching her open up over time.

So”¦ weeks and weeks pass and I am more or less ready to move on when one day”¦ she pops online. I’m on “away” at the time so when I see her, I immediately hit the “I’m Back” button.

Yeah”¦ as soon as I do that, she logs off. Just checking to see if she’s still on my buddy list.

Yeah”¦ okay, fine. You’re off it now, pun’kin.

Sad thing is”¦ I’m not even mad at her. Not at all. If I have a “soul mate”, it’s probably her. I’m more mad at myself. Mad for allowing myself to imagine. Mad for allowing myself to get affected by someone when a long time ago I swore I wouldn’t ever again.

But the GOOD news is that I wasn’t affected THAT much”¦ that’s the cool thing about having a well-shielded heart it takes a lot more to really get to it.

I’m not closed off to”¦ whatever “love” is forever”¦ I’m just saying it’s gonna take a lot more than what I’ve seen so far to get me to embrace it. And if it never happens”¦ I can live without it and have a LOT of fun in the meantime.

So really”¦ I want to thank her for reminding me of just who I am. Nice thing about being alone is that you don’t have to deal with GAMES!!! You can just walk away.

I’m walking. Catch me if you want”¦ just bring more than a “I’m sorry” with you. Maybe, just maybe I’ll stop and listen.

I am f*cking Hyatte.

Now excuse me, I’m going to eat some cheese to go with all this whine

And this’ll be the LAST time I EVER openly discuss this topic.

Next week: Hollywood Gossip, Across the Boards, and maybe that thing I was going to do about Sylvester Stallone”¦ or perhaps a mini-And Another Thing. I am now going to repeat the mantra I started a few lines ago”¦ in order to remind myself that no one screws with my head”¦ they can screw with yours all they want”¦ but I am”¦ I am”¦

Goddammit”¦ I am f*cking Hyatte”¦ I am f*cking Hyatte”¦ I am f*cking Hyatte”¦ I am f*cking Hyatte”¦ I am f*cking Hyatte

This is FUCKING HYATTE