Two belated In Memoria: Jerry Orbach, who will always be Lumiere and the original El Gallo to me, and Sir Angus Ogilvy, the class act among the Royal Family, and another on-time In Memoriam to Artie Shaw, one of the greatest jazzmen ever.
And a very happy New Year to you. As for me, this f*cking blows. Instead of having the day off and actually finishing this on a Friday for once, I had to work. Yeah, it’s double-time, but it still sucks having to go in. I’ve been suffering from this goddamn cold all week, and on top of that, I sprained my left index finger a couple days ago, and it’s swollen as hell and hurts like shit. It also cramps my job perforance a bit. Fortunately, I wear enough gloves that they almost act as a soft cast. Maybe it’ll heal over the weekend. I have no clue. However, I’m going to tough it out and finish the Short Form. I was able to do the first part on Friday, but the second part didn’t finish downloading until I had to leave for work. C’est la vie.
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
John Cena over Rene Dupree, US Title Match (Pinfall, F-U): Cena got all of his Sports Entertainment spots in in the first three minutes of the match, which means only one thing: a glorified squash. And that’s exactly what we got. We, the audience, deserved a better opener for the Nightmare of Champions.
Cena doing what he does best: cutting a promo
Dupree doing what he does best: cutting a promo
Cena and Dupree doing what neither does best: wrestle
Kurt Angle over Max Stryker (great gay porn name), Kurt Angle Invitational (Submission, AngleLock): Do I really need to comment on these matches anymore? Give credit to Stryker for blading, though
Angle doing one thing that he does best: cutting a promo
Angle doing the other thing he does best: wrestle
High-Quality Speaker Boy over Shannon Moore, WWE Championship Match (Pinfall, Clothesline From Hell): Oh, for f*ck’s sake…no wonder Scooter gave this up. The reveal of the fix doesn’t change that one bit.
It’s the Clothesline from Hell, and we’re already there
Sho Funaki over Spike Dudley, Cruiserweight Championship Match (Pinfall, sunset flip): Look, the solution is simple: sign A. J. Styles, right now. That will end this nightmarish year for the cruisers.
Spike gets a turnbuckle to the face for his troubles
Rey-Rey and Toke-Toke over Eddy Guerrero and Booker T, Tag Team Championship Match (Pinfall, Rey-Rey pins Guerrero, victory roll): Despite everyone having to get their wrestling and/or SE spots in during the match, it was enjoyable. That’s because we finally have a solution to the Rob Van Dam problem: get him to play Ricky Morton, and you minimize his boredom factor. Bravo to the bookers for FINALLY figuring that out.
Eddy goes for the hammerlock, and fails, because you can’t hammerlock Rey-Rey
Oh, wait, you can hammerlock Rey-Rey
Memo to Joy Giamatti: It’s a wattle. The gizzard is part of the viscera. Of course, it doesn’t matter, because Trish used up all the fat jokes on Lita. Get a better promo next time. And learn something about turkeys, please.
Joy and Amy exchange fat jokes
High-Quality Speaker Boy and TBS do not exchange fat jokes
And here’s the catfight we were waiting for
Wait A Second…: “Tag Team Champions of the World, Booker?” What the f*ck are you doing channeling Road Dogg? You deserve something better than that, don’t you?
Apparently, this is Four Live Cru
And a couple of random shots:
Daniel Puder, suck-ass, meet Bob Holly, backstage threat
John Cena with his belt and pet sluts
And that’ll close this edition from me, as well as 2004. Stay tuned in 2005 for…well, more of the same. Enjoy.