The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #75

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Cottonelle Pre-moistened Flushable Wipes, which clean and freshen better than dry toilet paper alone. As Trick Daddy once said, “A grown man should not have crush in his draws.”

I am finishing up this column on Saturday at around 5pm, as I have just woken up after a night of the obligatory New Year’s Eve festivities. Actually, I didn’t get too drunk last night, because I think my liver might actually still be reeling after the birthday celebration I had last Saturday. For those of you who missed the memo, my birthday happens to fall on the glorious day of December 25th. All of my life I’ve garnered comments like, “Doesn’t that suck? Don’t you get gypped out of presents?” or “Do you get extra presents?” or “Are you Jesus… HAWHAW!” My thoughts: big f*cking deal. It’s just another day, and Jesus wasn’t really born on December 25th anyway. Plus, I hate Christmas, and am glad it’s over. I think that it’s absurd how people act like f*cking maniacs trying to get last-minute shopping done, willing to do everything but murder each other in order to get that special sale or snag that last Nintendo DS. But wait… holiday cheer? That’s what Christmas is all about, right? You wouldn’t know it by going into any retail outlet on any given weekend in December, where a large majority of people have more have thrown out all regard for what kind of behavior is socially acceptable. Soccer moms turn into rubes with a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush… “What do you mean you don’t price match! I’m going to f*cking [competitor store] instead, where you’re actually appreciated! Then I’m going to call corporate and have you fired! Let me talk to your manager! This is bullshit! I’ve never been treated like this before! I spend $300 here a week!”

So, in conclusion, a bas to Christmas, a bas to my birthday, and huzzah to finding a bar open until 5am on Christmas night so I can celebrate my birthday with my friends and get f*cking ripped. For the second year in a row, I took a selected entourage and headed downtown to my favorite club. One of the best parts about drinking on your birthday with a bevy of friends is that you don’t have to spend a single dime, and still, you get more destroyed than ever. Before the festivities began I had one of my friends log every single drink and shot that everyone bought for me. It goes something like this (keep in mind that a lot of these things I would never drink and/or mix, save for them being free gifts)…

Jameson and Coke
Guinness pint
Guinness pint
Oatmeal Cookie shot (Bailey’s, butterscotch schnapps, Goldschläger)
Labatt’s Blue pint
Liquid Cocaine shot (Jägermeister, Goldschläger, Bacardi 151°)
Belvedere shot
Red-Headed Slut shot (have no idea but it tastes like peach and some crap)
Guinness pint
Frangelico shot (this was not really hard enough to be considered a “shot”)
Maker’s Mark shot
Jägermeister shot
Russian Quaalude (tastes like Yoo-hoo but packs a f*cking punch)
Jägermeister shot

This was the part where they closed. We went on to get Mexican food and I got home around 7am. I woke up at 11am to involuntarily exorcise the demons. Seeing I’d been drinking dark things all night, I was convinced that I was puking up motor oil. This is what birthdays are all about, bitches.

ESSENTIALS WHO?!

I did not do an extended essentials feature for this year because I felt that I probably should have delved into music a bit more than I actually did. Like Fingers and Mike Eagle, I couldn’t help but feel a bit detached this year. So, that said, here is my quasi-essentials featurette list, called “Things That I Thought Were Cool in 2004.” It’s a short list of songs and albums that I thought were worthy of some praise in 2004.

Jay-Z, “99 Problems”
Modest Mouse, “Float On”
The Hives, “Walk Idiot Walk”
Interpol, Antics
Nekromantix, Dead Girls Don’t Cry
The Von Bondies, “C’mon C’mon”
Skinny Puppy, The Greater Wrong of the Right
Kanye West, “All Falls Down” [f/Syleena Johnson]
Madvillain, Madvillainy
The Killers, “Mr. Brightside”
Snoop Dogg, “Drop It Like It’s Hot” [f/Pharrell Williams]
Morrissey, You Are the Quarry

DRAMATIS PERSONAE (NEW YEAR’S SHOTS EDITION)

Happy New Year to everyone, especially my InsidePulse compatriots, with whom I will each do a SPECIAL EXCLUSIVE New Year’s shot…

That_Bootleg_Guy [f/Elliot Smilowitz] – The Three Horseman
EmergncyAirlines (10:45:16 PM): if you were going to do a shot with Aaron Cameron, what would it be?
vice roymonar ch (10:46:08 PM): jack
EmergncyAirlines (10:47:14 PM): I was thinking of going with Jim Beam… I think it’s the whole irony of the black man doing the southern whiskey shot
vice roymonar ch (10:47:23 PM): heh

Add Johnnie Walker to the mix and it’s the most delightfully ironic shot for a Mexican, a black guy, and a Jewish guy to do to kick off a new year. Yee-HAW!!

Fingers – Patron Silver tequila
Fingers has had a hectic year, and was relatively pessimistic and disenfranchised about the year in music. There is no better way to forget your troubles and chill out than with a shot of Patron.

Mathan – espresso
Mathan doesn’t drink alcohol, so here’s a hyper-caffeinated coffee shot that will make you extra enthusiastic at work. Your co-workers will love the new, wiry Mathan!

Mike Eagle – Beefeater gin
Mike is feeling old, detached, and alienated amid the recent wave of new music, and old people really love gin. I, on the other hand, hate gin, so I will probably end up pretending like I’m chasing it with a random drink when I’m really spitting it into there and then going to pee and dumping it out in the urinal.

Eric Katz – Berentzen Apfel Korn
Not only does it taste great (if you like apples), but it’s been proclaimed kosher under the supervision of the Chief Rabbi of Bremen, Germany!

D’Estroyer – Maker’s Mark
Much Mr. Metal himself, Maker’s Mark doesn’t f*ck around. Some might argue that Jack Daniel’s is more metal than Maker’s Mark, but aside from cock rockers loving it, Jack holds no flame. This is a no nonsense shot that will kick your ass.

Gloomchen – Jägermeister
Oomph! Angry Germans anyone? See the opening for this column for proof positive that Jägermeister is a very angry German shot from the land of Über-bier. It will make your stomach as black and turbulent as a thousand bitter house fraus.

Michael Chadwick – Irish Car Bomb
What kind of a shot do you buy a guy that you barely know? Why, an Irish Car Bomb, of course! Not only does it contain an overabundance of iron (Guinness), but it also contains a member of the dairy group (Bailey’s)! What better way to get to know somebody than with a fun, healthy shot! It’s like when mom used to give you celery and peanut butter with the little raisins that were supposed to be ants!

MORE FANTASTIC PLUGGAGE

Gregory Wind’s 2004 Essential CDs!
Thursday concert review!
Killswitch Engage review!
Vote for our YEAR-END AWARDS!
Win the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas box set!
Exclamation points are fun!

NEWS TO USE

Amid the catastrophic tsunamis that ravaged South Asia last Sunday, Linkin Park decided to join forces with the American Red Cross and set up Music for Relief, which will provide aid to victims in the affected regions. Along with founding the organization, the band also put in the first $100,000. “As a band, we were in a position to help, but this needs to be a lot broader effort—both by our fans and by other musicians,” guitarist Brad Delson told reporters. “If one of our fans can donate $10, then that’s going to help, and the faster we can do it, the better. … We played what was the largest Thai concert in the past 10 years. It was an amazing show, and I carry with me the hospitality of the Thai people and the people of southern Asia … And having been there, I can just say that people there were so welcoming to us, and I really hope that through this effort we can help in some small way.” The band hopes that their fans, as well as other musicians, will help out with their cause. Music for Relief will officially launch this Wednesday, at MusicForRelief.org.

Jazz legend Artie Shaw (né Arthur Arshawsky) died of complications from diabetes on Thursday, at his home in Thousand Oaks, California. He was 94. The clarinetist was a part of the Big Band movement in the 1930s and 1940s that also included Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman, Tommy Dorsey, and Woody Herman, among others. Shaw gained notoriety amongst his peers with his rendition of Cole Porter’s “Begin the Beguine,” which received critical acclaim and was a pop music hit in 1938. He retired from music in the 1950s amid fear of being labeled a one-hit wonder, and went on to write fiction (as well as autobiographical literature) up until the past decade. Gordi Whitelaw will more than likely have more extensive and insightful statements on Artie Shaw, so stay tuned for his column on Monday.

For the second consecutive week, someone was shot during an after-party for The Retarded DMX. This time, though, two men were shot, one of them sustaining fatal injuries. The shooting occurred on early Monday outside the LQ nightclub in New York, when an unknown assailant fired on Troy Moore and William Clark. Clark was able to drive to a nearby police station to report the incident, before dying several hours later at a nearby hospital of a gunshot wound to the chest. Investigators are looking at whether Troy Moore was the intended target, as he is the older brother of Tyran “Tata” Moore. Tata is currently serving time in prison on weapons charges, and is a close associate of drug lord Kenneth “Supreme” McGriff, who is currently under investigation for having used drug money to help fund his friend Irv Gotti’s The Inc. record label (f/k/a Murder Inc.), which is home to The Retarded DMX.


Irv Gotti at a press conference with The Retarded DMX, who, as usual, has absolutely no idea what's going on, as indicated by the perpetually stupid look on his face.

The Vandals finished up a tour of military in and around Iraq today with a performance in Kuwait City. According to reports, they did play “Anarchy Burger (Hold the Government)”, which is awesome. Guitarist Warren Fitzgerald told reporters that while the band may not have received the same acclaim from soldiers as visitors like Toby Keith and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, “You rock out to the band you have, not the band you wish you had.” ZING! Take that Donald Rumsfeld!

Just weeks after members of the 1960s pop band The Turtles lashed out against Applebee’s and its ad agency for using a re-recorded version of “Happy Together” in their advertisements for their delicious steak and shrimp specials, country singer Joe Diffie has lauded the restaurant chain. Diffie said he thought it was fun to hear their use of his 1994 hit “Pickup Man” for their Carside-To-Go food pickup program. He told reporters, “Maybe if I were as washed up as The Turtles I would have tried to file a lawsuit, but I still haven’t gone through my cache of one-hit wonder money, so I’m still set for another 15 years or so.”

Quick Bits

Roger Daltrey, lead singer of The Who, was given a CBE (Commander of the Order of the British Empire) award by Queen Elizabeth II for his contributions to British music.

According to an interview with People magazine, Jack White broke up with girlfriend Renée Zellweger back in September, although the two have remained “good friends.”

The Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra announced that they would be sending a $136,000 donation to the World Health Organization to help it provide clean drinking water to survivors in the affected regions of last Sunday’s tsunamis.

Tracii Guns told reporters that the Brides of Destruction have replaced Nikki Sixx (who has left temporarily to reunite with Mötley Crüe) with some other guy.

FROM THE LABELS

From Underground, Inc…

[W]e’ve got a lot planned to ring in the new year. Upcoming tours from Pigface, Sheep On Drugs, The Damage Manual, Attrition, Tub Ring, Bile, and more… new studio albums from The Damage Manual, Sheep On Drugs, Project 44 and many others.

Spring Tour!!! This April, Pigface will be going out on the road again, this time with the return of the infamous Sheep On Drugs, and The Damage Manual. Both SOD and TDM will be supporting new studio albums coming out in early 2005, and we have a special free download and tour t-shirt offer on our web site, click here to check it out, you can download brand new tracks from both bands and get a free shirt shipped to you, and you only have to pay $5 for shipping!

Attrition is starting their month-long US tour on Thursday January 6th in Minneapolis. Check the full list of tour dates here.

Tub Ring is on tour in The Netherlands throughout January…

ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html

Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

iNFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…

Pixies, “Bone Machine”
Snoop Doggy Dogg, “Doggy Dogg World” [f/Tha Dogg Pound]
The Offspring, “Gone Away”
Neil Diamond, “Cherry, Cherry”
Stevie Wonder, “For Once in My Life”
Incubus, “Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song)”
Nirvana, “About a Girl”
Tricky, “Hell Is Around the Corner”
A Flock of Seagulls, “Wishing (If I Had a Photograph of You)”
Interpol, “Stella Was a Diver and She Was Always Down”
Foreigner, “Urgent”
Babes in Toyland, “Sweet ’69”
Ramones, “Beat on the Brat”
The Scofflaws, “Ska La-Carte” [Live]
Dire Straits, “Money for Nothing”
Oysterhead, “Radon Balloon”
Ferry Corsten, “Rock Your Body Rock”
Mark Morrison, “Return of the Mack”
Silverchair, “Tomorrow”
Golden Earring, “Twilight Zone”
Reflection Eternal, “Memories Live”
Toadies, “Possum Kingdom”
New Order, “Crystal”
Pink Floyd, “Us and Them”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

British supermarket chain ASDA, which is owned by Wal-Mart, has announced that Sharon Osbourne will be the new advertising face for their company, and will be featured in various television commercials and print ads. A spokesperson for the company said that Osbourne is “a good advert for the brand because people looking for a bargain can relate to her.” Think about that statement a few times and then get back to me.

vice roymonar ch (9:29:41 PM): theyd have been better off with the simpson sisters
EmergncyAirlines (9:29:51 PM): this is definitely the case
vice roymonar ch (9:30:02 PM): id be better off with the simpson sisters too

The Most Ridiculous Items of 2004. Coming in January.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and when I get lonely and I’m sure I’ve had enough, she sends her comfort coming in from above. I don’t need a letter at ALLLLL…

Cheers
-JF2k5!

Join our newsletter

never miss the latest news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary for Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games!