The Midnight News 01.03.05

HYATTE;

THIS COLUMN ALONE SHOULD MAKE THOSE NON-BELIEVERS CHOKE ON THEIR OWN COCK AND BALLS. THIS IS BAR FAR THE BEST WRESTLING COLUMN I HAVE EVER READ OF YOURS. SPECIFICALLY THE BUZZ SAWYER/TOMMY RICH FUED. I LOVE YOUR OTHER MIDNIGHT NEWS STUFF YOU DO…GIVES ME A LAUGH AND I LOOK FORWARD TO IT EACH WEEK. THE PEOPLE THAT RUN YOU DOWN AND CALL YOU EVERY FUCKING NAME THEY CAN THINK OF DON’T APRECIATE THAT YOU REALLY DO KNOW YOUR SHIT….YOU JUST CHOOSE TO WRITE ABOUT OTHER MORE TRIVIAL SHIT JUST TO PISS THEM OFF…HAHAHAHAHA ON THEM. I USUALLY SKIP OVER CERTAIN PARTS OF THE “NORMAL” MIDNIGHT NEWS AND READ THE PARTS I LIKE. NO BIGGIE…..ANY ONE WHO READS YOUR STUFF CAN DO THAT TOO. BUT THEN THERE ARE THOSE THAT READ ONE THING THEY FIND TOTALLY APPAULING AND VOMIT AND THEM BITCH AND MOAN TO YOU THAT YOU ARE THE WORST WHEN THEY PROBABLY STILL READ YOU COLUMN EVERY FUCKING DAY ANYWAY. I DON’T REMEMBER TOMMY RICH’S BEGININGS BUT I DO REMEMBER WATCHING SUPERSTATION TBS ON SUNDAY NIGHTS AND SEE RECAPS IN MAGAZINES AND SEEING TOMMY RICH COMPLETEY BLOODY ON NUMEROUS COVERS, SO I KNOW HE PAID THE PRICE. I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU PROPS TO THAT STORY IN PARTICULAR BECAUSE I FOUND IT LIVED UP TO WHAT I RECALL AS AN EARLY TEENAGER WATCHING WRESTLING. IT WOULD BE GREAT TO READ MORE “OLD SCHOOL” ARTICLES WRITTEN BY YOU, EITHER IN THE MIDNIGHT NEWS OR BY THEMSELVES IN A SEPARATE COLUMN…….A SEPERATE COLUMN WOULD BE MUCH BETTER, CUZ THEN THOSE FUCK WADS THAT READ THE MIDNIGHTS BUT STILL CAN’T STAND YOUR ASS DON’T GET THE SATISFACTION OF READING YOUR FINER WORK.

PRAISE BE ALMIGHTY GOD HAYETTE……LOL

No Name

Please don’t “LOL” me… there are only 4 people allowed to “LOL” me and none of them are YOU.

Maybe the real story of professional wrestling has not been written because wrestling hasn’t failed…..yet. Yet it is interesting that some manner of
the sport will survive…in the Dummies books. People who don’t know what it is will need help manuals to get them started.

My question is this: Why aren’t YOU the writer of this story? You have a gift for it (especially with the last story of Tully Blanchard. I remember the Brain Busters and then the guy in the Horsemen.)

I’ve read The Road probably a half a dozen times and I still get chills with every reading. I think it becomes more relevant as time goes by. Thank
you.

Ryan

I’d write it and it would be SPECTACULAR. Problem is I’d want to get PAID for it… and not the chump change that all the others settle for.

Actually, it would suck because the WWE wouldn’t allow me to travel with the company and do a gonzo-like book… not without whitewashing the crap out of it… oh no, if the book doesn’t scream: “WWE: One big, happy, fun-loving, clean-living f*cking FAMILY”, then they won’t run it.

After reading this:

“(My little ‘This is f*cking Hyatte’ rant at the end of last week’s column).”

I’d just like to say, from the bottom of my heart……….GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF HER PUSSY YOU GOD DAMN FAIRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU’RE FUCKING HYATTE FOR GOD SAKES! OR SHOULD I KEEP CALLING YOU FAIRY?!

J.D.

Shut up… I wrote that thing months ago… hell, YEARS.

But you can continue to call me “fairy”, it pleases me. Only you tho’, anyone else and I will destroy them.

When are you coming back to 411

Altecer

NEVER!!!!!

In all honesty, I’m here until I’m done… which doesn’t necessarily mean I’m done after I’ve officilly roasted out on this column, I am currently batting a big idea with Widro that would be a site-wide thing… so whatever audience we have that isn’t wrestling oriented might be exposed to my brand of wit, genius, and awesomeness.

Oh, and of course, any And Another Things I do will probably be featured at 1ryderfakin… only because they are so long now.

Hey skunkheads. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… welcoming you to 2005 with a brand new column that feels exactly like it was written in 2004, with a heavy dose of 2003… and a faint aftertaste of 2002… and a sprinkle of 2001… but nothing from 2000, 1999, 1998, or 1997…. which is a damn shame because those were the years I was actually funny.

Let’s roll…

BUT, PLUGS

So in case you weren’t around last week, you can check-out the Midnight News Year End Spectacular. It’s a pretty fun set of old segments from columns of yesteryear…

AND…. I also hauled out four classic And Another Things and smashed them into one column. All I got to say, it’s amazing what sort of reaction I get when I remind people of just how f*ckin’ talented I am… lots of old faces popped up after last week. Strange.

Click here, register, make picks, and win stuff…. REAL STUFF… not stupid ass shit like a free Torch Newsletter or a 3 minute phone call from Dave Scherer or left-over sperm that Meltzer wiped off his rat’s leg (although I KNOW a whole lot of you would TOTALLY want that…. fags

Yeah, click it now… right now… and come back later and click it after Widro or Daniels fixed it so it has more than just: In fetchfirst: SELECT count(*) as rowCount FROM Alliance_Quizgame_Participants WHERE ReaderForumUserID = 88 AND GameID = 4 for pre-registration — You have an error in your SQL syntax near ‘pre-registration’ at line 4… which is what it says right now…. because it’s broken.
LOOK, DAMMIT! ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, YA KNOW!!

RUMBLE IN THE BUNGHOLE

Word on the street is that John Cena is gonna win this thing….

Word on the street is that Cena will then go to Wrestlemania and beat Bradshaw for the title.

Word on the street further says that Orton is still a lock to beat HHH for the other title.

Word on the street THEN whispers that Orton and Cena will switch brands to spice things up.

I have never been on a single street where people talk about professional wrestling. The only people who talk professional wrestling are fat white guys in the suburbs.

So keep that in mind.

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX-MRS TRISH HYATTE

So we have this Playboy brohaha where they will, in all likelyhood, be doing a “Woman of the WWE” extravaganza issue with just about ALL the Divas…

Except for the three that would draw the most interest (Torrie doesn’t count): Stephanie, Stacey, and Trish Stratus…

HOWEVER, a quick jump to HOWEVER, a quick jump to this non-wrestling, yet still filled with losers thus proving that everyone is the same board WILL make you question your faith, your religion, AND your God!

Basically, a photographer with ties to Playboy and Maxim said that Trish and Stacey MIGHT take part in it IF they only wear sexy clothes and have control over their shots… no nekkidness.

Bullshit…. Trish won’t do it and here’s why…

She has Canada by the shorthairs… her home country LOVES her… they treat her like America treats our stars, but with more respect. She appears on Canadian sketch comedy shows and is given media coverage whenever she goes out.

In short, she has slowly become… almost a hidden break-out star in the WWE. In Canada, she is bonafide mainstream.

So here comes Playboy with an offer for her to pose with all the other Divas, hardly any of them with the same level of fame… and for money that, as a WWE talent, would be worth THOUSANDS… TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars less than what she could get on her own. Maybe even HUNDREDS.

So why would she do it? She’d actually be losing money and would only be part of a larger crowd, where a stand-alone spotlight issue would probably be one of Playboy’s biggest issues in history!

Why WOULD she do it? Because she just turned 29… and she isn’t afraid to take bumps… the body is wearing out, every year the face needs more makeup. Time is running out.

The thing is, she doesn’t NEED Playboy OR to go nude. She’s doing just fine letting the gawker’s imagination do all the heavy lifting in her pics.

Now, since we are on the subject of a naked Trish Stratus… allow me to use my imagination for a moment:

THINGS I WOULD INSERT INTO TRISH STRATUS

Wholly gratuitious… but it ain’t like she reads this column…

The following items are on my wish list of things I would insert into various gooholes of Trish Stratus:

1: My penis

2: My finger

3: My other finger

4: My thumb

5: My other thumb

6: My pinkie toe

7: My other pinkie toe

8: My tongue

9: My nose

10: My Parrot Jake

11: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s tongue

12: My fist

13: My cellphone

14: My head, my hand and my cellphone at once so I can call Flea and tell him where I am.

15: Her choice of vibrator

16: A Cucumber

17: A printed out and rolled up copy of And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H

18: A hockey stick

19: My elbow

20: A videocamera

Thank you.

TALE OF THE JIGGLY MAN-TITS

I don’t know WHERE I picxked this up… probably stole it off some lame message board from an imbecile with MUCH too much time on his hands…

Probably? Hell, it isn’t like I’d take the time to do this… I don’t even have time to write this column…. as the more astute of you have no doubt noticed…

Anyway, since they probably ain’t gonna be mucking with each other anymore, here is a fairly detailed, probably accurate record of every match Ric Flauir and Hulk Hogan ever worked in against each other. Who has the most wins? Who has the most DQ’s? WHO IS TRULY… THE GREATEST WRESTLER OF THE LAST ONE BILLION YEARS??????

Flair v. Hogan

*One-on-one*
Flair’s wins [clean]: 1
Flair’s wins [dq]: 1
Flair’s wins [countout]: 3
Hogan’s wins [clean]: 11
Hogan’s wins [dq]: 8
Hogan’s wins [countout]: 32

*Tag teams*
Flair & Undertaker vs. Hogan & Sid Justice
1 clean pin for Hogan & Justice

Flair & Undertaker vs. Hogan & Piper
2 clean pins for Hogan & Piper

Flair & Sid Justice vs. Hogan & Piper
15 clean pins for Hogan & Piper

Flair & Vader vs. Hogan & Savage
1 clean pin for Hogan & Savage

Flair & Arn vs. Hogan & Sting
1 clean pin for Hogan & Sting

Flair & Arn vs. Hogan & Savage
1 clean pin for Hogan & Savage

Flair & Giant vs. Hogan & Savage
1 clean pin for Flair & Giant

Flair & Kevin Sullivan vs. Hogan & Savage
1 dq win for Hogan & Savage

Flair & Masked Man (Bunkhouse Buck) vs. Hogan & Dave Sullivan
1 dq win for Hogan & Sullivan

Flair, Kevin Sullivan, & Arn Anderson vs. Hogan, Savage, & Booty Man
1 clean pin for Hogan, Savage, & Booty Man

Flair, Kevin Sullivan, Luger, Arn, Meng, Barbarian, Ze Gangsta, & Ultimate Solution vs. Hogan & Savage
1 clean pin for Hogan & Savage

*If you want to count…*
Flair’s victory in the 1992 Royal Rumble
Flair losing Vader’s strap match at Uncensored ’95

*Totals*
Flair’s wins by countout: 3
Flair’s wins by dq: 1
Flair’s clean wins: 2
Hogan’s wins by countout: 32
Hogan’s wins by dq: 10
Hogan’s clean wins: 33

*Even more technical*
Flair’s wins: 6
Hogan’s wins: 75

*Information probably doesn’t include every match. Match results come from Steve Helwagen’s “Woo! The Ric Flair Record Book”*

And factor in that Ric Flair’s DVD is only… heh… THREE discs long while Hogan’s upcoming mega-collection is set to be a whopping SIX!

And there ya go…. inrefutable proof that Ric Flair has been, and always will be, Hulk Hogan’s BITCH!!!

WOOOOOO, brother

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

LADIES LOVE COOL HY (VAGUE EDITION)

Because I LOVE tossing out vague inside stuff that only a handful of people will understand:

Let’s just say that this was a very interesting week for me…

very…. interesting.

Both online and in real life.

Hyatte rules.

Anyway, now begins a tri-fecta of segments, each concerning recents talks with three men I call friend… all of them, as you will see, TRAITOROUS BASTARDS!

ONE ANGRY JEW

I go months… MONTHS without speaking to Joshua Grut… I really do.

And here’s why:

VPJG (11:16:41 PM): Hyatte, as a writer I respect you but right now, as a human being you disgust me!

VPJG logged off 11:16:47 PM

Did I make some sick joke about his religion? Did I call him fat? Did I show him my penis on a webcam?

Was he defending the virtue… the HONOR of someone I was trashing?

Heh… too many people are now thoroughly confused.

In a semi-related note: I think I’m gonna have to change my cell phone number.

Ya’ know… wasn’t too long ago when Grut worshipped me. But, like with everyone else… once the initial charm of the great Hi-Rate wears off, he realized that this Emporer is quite naked… and me naked isn’t much to drool over, trust me.

I make GREAT breakfast Omelette’s tho’…. so they get to eat afterwards.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H?

I found a few holes in it, the biggest being the asshole who wrote it.

Flea: Who once treated me to the following phone call:

Me: Hello?
Flea: (silence)
Me: Hello?
Flea: …. I think this is probably the end
Me: The end of what?
Flea:…. thank you

Then he hung up.

Boy’s got demons.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Nutsuck, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Fusion too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He’s one of the few wrestlers who can conduct an interview with mainstream press and NOT look/sound like a typical wrestler

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED….

AHA! I did a straight one this time out! Fooled you ALL!

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

Keep them coming. I still need submissions… but thanks to those who pitched in.

Quick hits this week, nothing too long-winded, but I have a whole ASSLOAD of wide ranging old-school stuff here. By God, there are names that only MERLTZER would recognize… if he read this… which he probably won’t, or never will… he can die…. of AIDS….

01): If (WWF 80’s-90’s Commissioner Jack) Tunney were here, he could make a ruling.– McMahon

If Tunney were here, he’d have his hand out for 10 bucks.– Heenan

02): Christian! His parents waited nine months to call him Christian. My parents could have waited nine months to call me Jew! – Paul Heyman

03): I remember things that happened sixty years ago, but if you ask me where I left my car keys five minutes ago, that’s sometimes a problem.– Lou Thesz

04) I’m going to give Abdullah (The Butcher) a BIG Cactus Jack hug right now!– Cactus Jack

05): When he’s not wrestling, Billy Kidman also enjoys waterskiing and listening to rap music.– Michael Cole

06): You couldn’t beat half my ass if the other half was helping you.– Test to Shane

07): Viscera the Hut, the love child of Fat Albert and Mr. T.– Chris Jericho

08): (At Royal Rumble ’92, after Piper had just clotheslined Jake Roberts as he was about to DDT Flair)

I never thought I’d say this, but thank you, Roddy! It’s a kilt! It’s not a skirt! It’s a kilt!

(Five seconds later, after Piper had just kicked Flair as he had Roberts in the figure four)

Why, you no-good freak! You skirt-wearing freak! It’s not a kilt, it’s a skirt!– Heenan

09): This is Rhyno and I’m the best part of this f*cking CD, and If you don’t think so I’ll come through them speakers and spear your ass through a f*cking table you dirt bag son of a bitch.– Rhyno from the ECW Anarchy Rocks CD

10): If charisma were rain, Blackman would be a desert.– Jerry Lawler

11): And Sherry, I’m in the best shape of my life, I’m a slim, trim 217 pounds. Heavy in the seat, light on my feet!– “Playboy” Buddy Rose. No, for real, you have to see this guy

12): I don’t live in Parts Unknown. Too many people live there. I live in Atlanta.– The Masked Superstar

13): All Typhoon has to do is sit up and tag his partner.– McMahon

You’re asking a lot for Typhoon to do a sit-up.– Heenan: WWF TV: early 90’s

14): I’ve been in this business for two years and Stevie Richards you’re the gayest motherf*cker I’ve ever seen!– Kid Kash: ECW November to Remember ’96

15): I’m jealous! It’s a good movie and his[Triple H’s] personality comes out well.– Trish Stratus: lying to the public at the Toronto premiere of Blade: Trinity. Completely SELLING CANADA… SELLING HER HOMELAND OUT

Stratus… all Canada does is treat her like a superstar and look at how she responds… she tells them that seeing Triple H’s movie won’t be a waste of time and money, she works for an AMERICAN company and takes home AMERICAN dollars, and her next Husband is an AMERICAN…

Although, I’ll TOTALLY become a Naturalized Canadian citizen for her… not even a question… I’m so there, dude.

In fact, I’ve been practicing! How’s it goin’, eh? Take off, eh! Boy, that was a corker of a shinook we had last night, eh?

Anyway… one last thing before I pack this up…

GRUTMAN DOES FLEA DOING ME DOING AAT

After he told me how much I DISGUSTED HIM (see above), Joshua Grut, being the nice little NY Jew that he is, decided to make up by sending me this:

The following is Grut imitating a Flea column that imitiates me…

No, follow along… say Flea read my AAT tribute best of thing last week, and decided to pay homage to it with his version of AAT, well, Grut thinks it would go something… like… this…

And Another Thing … Where’s My Fucking Scotch?: By Flea

Someone still remembers Jimmy Snuka. It ain’t me.

What the f*ck are you looking at? Where’s my f*cking scotch? Who are you people?

So, there’s this rookie, right? And he’s on the f*cking road, what, I don’t give a f*ck. And Tully Blanchard is there or something and the road speaks to him and shit. I gotta smoke. Poolside.

Woman! Where’s my f*cking scotch?

So Kurt Angle is all out to destroy America and stuff and do Nazi shit. What the f*ck was I just talking about? Who the f*ck are you people?

I swear to God, me and Rugged Ronnie Garvin were just smoking some shit the other day, and we had to bring down guys for a party. Lots of booze, lots of weed, just get ready to suck a dick and a pussy.

Man, what the f*ck is wrong with people who bash Bret Hart? His f*cking brother died. If anyone has a right to complain, man, it’s that motherf*cker.

How dry I f*cking am. Where’s my scotch? Poolside.

So you know what Jesus would do in WWE? He’d f*cking smoke a blunt. I don’t get people who don’t worry. Lazy f*ckers. Come down here and you can do my roof for twenty bucks a day and maybe I won’t smack you for no good reason. Also, Jesus would probably win the world title and stuff and I don’t f*cking know man. GRUT!

Man, anyone could be a pro wrestler cause if Virgil can do it then you can. Is he even still f*cking alive? He was Ted Dibiase’s monkey man, right? I can’t be racist. I love everyone. HY-HAT!

Who the f*ck are these people? Where’s my scotch? DESI? KID? What the f*ck is the kid’s name… KID?

Man, Goldberg would be f*cking awesome if he did some work on his legs. They look like two f*cking toothpicks, like two Ethiopians or something on some f*ck Jew’s giant torso. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

Goddamn I hate those f*cking radio dickwads who fight Jimmy Hart. Mancow. What the f*ck, half man half cow? Life Dog, Ape and Man? GRUT! Where the f*ck is Grut? I want my f*cking scotch.

You remember when Jimmy Snuka hit Piper in the head with that coconut? Wait, was it the other way around? Fuck, I don’t know.

Man, we could make house shows more exciting if the f*cking wrestlers would just come out and smoke some f*cking weed with the fans. Poolside and shit, you f*cking know?

Remember when Sting was cool man? He was all colorful and shit like my faggot pool boy, and then he went all dark and rafter f*cking shit head. What the f*ck man? Wrestlers should be more like f*cking fags.

For the last time, where the f*ck is my scotch? What the f*ck is wrong with you people? If I go five more minutes without a drink I’ll actually be able to get an erection!

This is Flea too.

*****

HA! Boy’s got talent. Both of them do. I can pick my friends, by God. The inner circle is STRONG, BABY!

And that’ll do it.

Yes indeed, it’s my favorite kind of column… where I don’t do much more than cut, paste, and submit.

Now excuse me while I submit my ass to WORK… on no sleep…. this was a lot easier a few years ago. Getting old, jack. Old…

Yet ironically, I’ve never been hornier…

Such is life… checks and balances.

This is Hyatte, eh.