InsidePulse’s WWE Byte This Report: 1.5.05

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I want to jump! I want to party! Woo! It’s a new year, and we’ve got my first Byte This of 2005. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Brad, you were a sardonic jerk wad in 2004, why are you so excited by a new year of Marc Loyd’s fluffy corporate interviews?” Because I’m a glutton for punishment my friends, I even listened to old Byte This episodes while doing the dishes during the winter break. Kill me.

We open the show with classic footage of Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon finding the Bushwhackers at Busch Gardens in Florida. Heenan throws out some of the funniest one liners I’ve heard in ages, cracking up even the unbreakable Monsoon. Now that’s the kind of announcers they need these days.

Generic theme #2005 brings us to… Byte This! Josh Matthews is back, Marc Loyd never went away, and Howard Finkel is stopping by! Quick WWE 24/7 talk before they reveal tonight’s awesome guests: Ric Flair, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, and Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff. Sweet! They talk about the fantasy game for a while, which has become my signal to make a snack. New Year’s Revolution is discussed a bit, with Marc thinking Batista is the clear favorite for the Elimination Chamber. He also calls the King/Hassad confrontation from Raw “the Big Debacle.” Amen, brutha! Paul Orndorff will be here when we return.

Footage of Orndorff/Piper vs. Hogan/Mr. T. Remember when Hogan claimed that he and Orndorff were old football rivals back in high school? And that Orndorff was really trying to hurt him when they fought because he couldn’t let it go? AH HA HA HA!!!

We’re back with Mr. Wonderful! Paul is asked what he’s been up to lately, so he tells us that New York fans know what time it is. Oh boy, it’s gonna be one of those kind of interviews. Finkel asks Paul if he ever thought Wrestlemania would be around in 2004. Orndorff had no idea, it was just a gamble at the time. He’s a boxing fan, so when Ali and Frazier fought, people talked. Paul used to play football in front of 60,000 people, but ‘Mania was different because they weren’t football players. He could feel the buzz everywhere he went. He’s no “good ol’ boy,” because Vince McMahon was always his favorite promoter. If that didn’t make sense, it’s not my fault, that’s exactly what Paul said.

Favorite feuds? “Hollywood” Hogan and Tito Santana. They can’t even say Hulk Hogan because of their stupid lawsuit against Marvel Comics. Orndorff kicked “booty,” and that’s why his feud with “Hollywood” was so hot. What’s Paul doing these days? He’s broken his neck three times, and because of that he’s had a handful of serious surgeries. He almost ended up in a wheelchair after his last one. He lost millions of dollars on his medical bills, and now he can’t wrestle even though he would love to still be doing it. His nerves are badly hurt, so he warns kids not to imitate wrestlers because they “will pay.” He thinks that the fans should write and call the WWE and tell them that Mr. Wonderful was the greatest wrestler of all time. He rarely watches the current product anymore, but if Vince would “wake up” and give him a job he’d watch it all the time. Who could become a huge star in the wrestling industry? “Brock Lesinger.” Yep, that’s what he said. Paul thinks that he could be a great manager for Brock; in fact he thought that way back when he was a trainer at the Power Plant. Brock’s got the body, he’s “uglier than hell,” and Paul could train him to be a superstar. Paul could turn anyone into a superstar, because he knows how to do it. Man, Paul wants a job with Vinnie Mac pretty damn bad. Josh wants to know how he’d like to be remembered? “As a real asshole that they loved.” Nice. He says goodbye to Howard and Lou. Lou? According to Josh, it’s because Lou is their producer’s name, so that’s the person he probably had to talk to when they set up the interview. Anywho, it’s time for a break.

Clip of Eugene/Christian from Raw. As an announcer, Coach didn’t do too bad on his own. It made it feel more like a sporting event with one neutral announcer instead of a horny old wrestler who cracks cheap jokes and the cliche-ridden J.R.

They come back and the guys are ragging on Josh for trying to act like Triple H. Droz is on the phone, and he’s wondering how Lou is doing. Josh wants to know what Droz thinks of New Year’s Revolution. Droz thinks that Puerto Rican fans are rabid, so the crowd should be awesome for the show. Droz thinks that Batista has the edge in the Elimination Chamber, but Triple H will probably win. What? Droz never votes for Triple H! That’s why Droz is always wrong! Oh man, maybe Droz will get a prediction right this time. Anywho, Droz thinks Kane is “on fire” (ugh) and Snitsky’s in for a heap of trouble. Shelton Benjamin vs. Maven gets a bit of conversation, but Droz doesn’t think that Maven’s got the talent to beat Shelton. Marc brings up the Hassad/Lawler feud, mentioning that we haven’t seen Hassad wrestle yet. He better be like Bret Hart on speed, because Jerry’s the King (no pun intended) of Cheap Stalling Techniques. Of course, Droz phrases it in his usual corporate WWE-speak, but that’s basically what he says. Josh wants to know what they should ask Ricky Steamboat, and Droz has no idea because he barely watched wrestling as a kid. Josh covers for him and the segment mercifully ends.

Footage of Mean Gene interviewing Ricky Steamboat in the garden of tranquility while he remembers the training he had at the hands of monks. I know most smarks think of that gimmick as a terrible bit of racism, but as a child I thought that Ricky was the most bad ass wrestler on the planet because of segments like this. I loved his character because I assumed he knew karate, and really, what was more important to winning fights than a knowledge of kung fu? That’s the difference between an effective wrestling character and a lame-ass gimmick.

Ricky’s on the line and Howard immediately drops a huge complement. Ricky gets all modest, so Josh asks him about his match with Randy Savage. Ricky isn’t amazed at the match so much as the gigantic crowd that the event drew. He thinks the match itself wasn’t that fancy or groundbreaking, but as a whole it was a great feud and it had a good blow off. Marc brings up the Steamboat feud and asks about the Flair/Steamboat match on Triple H’s DVD. Of course, this is the weekly historical f*ck up, since Marc thinks the match is from Spring Stampede ’94 but actually it’s the match from Wrestle War ’89. Regardless, Ricky thinks the 2 out of 3 Falls match from the ’89 Clash of the Champions was the better match, and Finkel makes a weird inside joke about how well he remembers that match. Steamboat now helps his son with his racing career in the Carolinas, working at a shop where they build and repair race cars. He was a hot rod nut in the 70s, so it was a natural step away from his wrestling career. He also notes that this is the same son who he brought out during Wrestlemania IV for his match with Greg Valentine. Finkel asks about Flair, so Steamboat explains that Flair helped him get a grasp on the business by being a great ring general during their feuds. Ricky thinks that all the credit for his success goes to Flair, since Ric went to bat for him during the late 70s and got him a push in the NWA. On the eve of Wrestlemania XXI, there will be a WWE Hall of Fame ceremony, so Finkel wonders if the time is right for Steamboat’s entry into those hallowed halls. Ricky hopes so, since he’s noticed the inductees for the last 3 or 4 years and he knows almost all of them from his own career. Hmm, interesting, because the Hall was only resurrected in 2004 after almost 7 years of inaction. Oh well, I love Ricky, so he can make up any answer he wants. He thanks all three guys and the segment ends. They note how classy Steamboat is, then dive into the Out Think the Fink trivia question.

Josh notes the new background at Byte This before Howard asks who won the very first Royal Rumble in 1988.

Clip of the last moments of the ’92 Royal Rumble. What an amazing ending.

They come back to a cluster f*ck of conversation, but Howard pulls it together by noting how incredible that moment was when it happened. Laurie from California calls in and answers Out Think the Fink (or as Marc calls it, “Stump the Fink or Whatever”): it’s “Big” John Studd! Marc notes how amazing Ric Flair is for still being able to wrestle. Howard transitions that comment into a huge introduction for Flair. It’s weird to hear a long time pro keeping this show together for a change. Josh asks Flair how he got started in the business and how he’s managed to keep on top for so long. He trained with Verne Gagne in 1972, started with Crockett Promotions in 1974, joined the WWF in 1991, went back to WCW in 1992, stayed there until it went bankrupt, stayed at home for 9 months, then joined the WWE. That’s sure direct. Finkel asks about the Royal Rumble, so Flair explains his exit from the NWA (he had a huge falling out with the boss) and his conversations with Vince afterwards. He thought that Vince’s word was worth more, so he joined the WWF and the Hulk (which Ric is not afraid to say) turned down their Wrestlemania match because he had a TV deal. He had a great feud with Savage, he teamed with Ted DiBiase, he got to work with a tremendous crew, and he had the greatest time of his life.

Finkel brings up Ricky Steamboat, and wonders how it felt to go toe to toe with the Dragon. Flair thinks he’s the greatest professional wrestler he ever faced. The two of them were having Super Bowl quality matches every night because they worked hard and had amazing chemistry, and Steamboat is the greatest babyface there’s ever been. Wow, that’s some compliment. Finkel wonders why many old timers can’t relate to the future of wrestling, and asks Flair how he’s able to do it. Ric did not like the idea of Sports Entertainment when he first heard about it, but he knew he was very good at what he did and he made a conscious effort to adapt to modern times after the WWE helped him regain the confidence that he lost in WCW. Marc wants to know Flair’s thoughts on the Elimination Chamber match on Sunday. Flair doesn’t think that it takes skill to win, just toughness, so he thinks it’ll be an awesome match because everyone’s gonna be working hard and shedding blood. Josh thanks Flair for his time and the segment ends.

The boys all kiss each other’s asses, Josh reminds us not to miss Smackdown, and the show ends with the Triple H/Orton match from Raw.

It was a good episode of Byte This to kick off the year; the spaced-out ramblings of Paul Orndorff provided the comedy, a pair of short-but-sweet interviews with Flair and Steamboat delivered the content, and the Fink held it together with style and grace. When Marc and Josh are left to their own devices next week, we’ll see if the quality is maintained, but so far Byte This has improved with the new year.