The Weekly Pulse: The Gatekeeper's Guide to Movies

Archive

Hello. Happy New Year to everyone out there in fan-land, and welcome to the first edition of The Gatekeeper’s Guide (Patent Pending) for 2005. To those of you who actually follow my weekly antics, you’ll notice I came up short last week and posted no column. My apologies for that, as New Years week turned out to be even more hectic than Christmas (Trust me, you didn’t miss much in film land though). But, in order to make it up to YOU, my legions of fans, I am coming to you this week, sick as a dog (What a way to start the year) and refusing, yes that’s right, REFUSING to phone it in. No, you’ll get the Guru at his almost best, as I suck it up and bring you all the news you can use from movie world. Granted, it’s been a slow week, but regardless! Enough chit-chat, lets do it.

Grab Bag – Feedback Style

Interesting junk-mail this week, as I was offered two different kinds of Rolexes, from Brooke Chu and Brett Crews. Politely yet firmly turning down this junk-mailers of doom, I was surprised to stumble upon this well written article in my Inbox.

I have to give you credit for praising Meet The Fockers when other critics have lambasted it, but this was a bad movie, up there with Blade Trinity and Catwomen for me as one of the worst pictures of the year. The thing that you credit this movie for, keeping to the original, is exactly what was wrong with it. The jokes fell flat because it was familar territory, and the only ray of sunshine in this movie were Hoffman and Striesand, who could play these roles in their sleep. I was deeply disappointed. Compare this to other sequels this year like Shrek 2 or Spider-Man 2, which kept to the orginal movie but still had fresh jokes and a new take on the charactors, and you will see that this movie does not add up.

Also, whereas Meet The Parents played off Stiller’s uneasiness around De Niro’s charactor, Fockers focuses more on gross out jokes and dirty humor that, while funny in doses, was severely overdone in this movie.

Like your reviews though. Thought you made some good points, but I have to disagree.

Erik

You make some good points, Erik. A lot of people found this film redundant and disappointing, and I can see why. But I think you are jumping the gun comparing it to Blade 3, and Catwoman? Have some decency man – I wouldn’t wish that on any movie unless it made me want to gouge out my eyes. I think an overwhelming amount of sequels will fail when compared to Spidey 2, and I wasn’t that impressed with Shrek 2, honestly. What Fockers did was make me laugh, and that earns points in my book. It also made my father laugh, a man who hasn’t sat down in a theater since the original Men in Black. To me, that shows the film has appeal to cross the generation gap, and while I didn’t touch on that in the review (Damn it) that helps to make it special. I also thought it did just enough different from the first, and I don’t think it was too focused on the ‘gross out gags’ that critics so loudly complained about. Factor in some inspired performances, and it becomes a decent movie. Was it disappointing? In some ways, very. Perhaps the score will go down when I look back on it down the road. But I think it did it’s job just well enough to serve it’s purpose, and from the box office take so far, a lot of American’s agree (Although that doesn’t usually mean much).

And yes, my reviews are pretty nice, aren’t they? Thanks for noticing ^_^

News You Can Use – And WE Abuse

J. Kern and myself return for week five (four?) of news commentary/parody/comedy/whatever you’d like to call it. J. Kern actually showed up this week, but he’s a busy guy so far this year, so we’ll see if it’s business like usual. Plus, the year is getting off to a slow start, news wise. Anyway, the way this works is the headline is in bold, the actual news story is underneath, and then both Kern and I offer various remarks on said stories.

Keaton Would Love to do Beetlejuice 2 – But who Knows if it Would Happen

53-year-old Michael Keaton is said to be willing, even eager to go back to his star-making role, loud-mouth poltergeist Beetlejuice.

“I think there’s room to do it, cause there’s nothing like it, and there never will be anything like it,” said Keaton. “But you kind of don’t want to mess it up, and the only way to do it is with Tim involved. He doesn’t want to direct it. So I talked to him and said “Where do you have time in your life to produce it, and let’s find a guy to direct it and write it.” I don’t how he’s gonna do that, or how I’m gonna do it. I’d just make the time to do it. But I’d like to do it. He’s original and an artist, and you really can’t say that about too many people”.

Keaton and Burton’s advancement in the business is closely linked. After turning heads with Beetlejuice both were against all odds given the task of updating Batman for the big screen, with considerable Box Office success.

Kern: In other news, Tom Hanks is looking to re-team with Peter Scolari for Bosom Buddies 2k5. “I was only in three dozen movies last year. I won’t rest until they can start a cable channel devoted entirely to me.”
Norty: I bet Multiplicity 2 is in the works too. I mean hell, that’d be as much fun, right? This time, he can clone himself six, no, eight times. It writes itself!
Crickets chirping can be heard
Norty: *Ahem* Okay, rocky start, but no worries. Ready for the next one?
Kern: YEP! Yep, that is…

Carradine and Kyrupt to Join Urban Western

The Hollywood Reporter reports that David Carradine (Kill Bill Vol. 2) and rapper Kurupt will be joining an urban Western titled Click.

The film will take place after the Civil War and follows “a group of outlaws out to rob the town bank in a lawless land. They run into trouble when a scheming cattle baron, a bounty hunter and a female sheriff stand in their way.”

Jean-Claude La Marre (“Gang of Roses”) will direct.

Kern: If the land is lawless and they’re outlaws … doesn’t that mean that they’d actually be following the law? It’s like a double negative…If laws are outlawed, only outlaws will have laws, man!
Norty: It makes my head hurt…..I try to wrap my brain around it, but I just keep going around and around and around in circles…..Ahhhhhh it hurts.
Kern: As is watching any movie with Kurupt in it.
Norty: Do you think Caradine will kill Kyrupt with a six-shooter and steal his baby?
Kern: Been there, done that. Although it’ll all be worth it if Carradine calls him “Grasshopper”.

‘Dodgeball 2’ Could Potentially Happen

It seems that Fox is gearing to follow up on its surprise hit of the summer, Dodgeball. According to the rumor, Justin Long, who played the character of the guy who gets a bunch of tools in the face, claims to have heard word of a sequel starring the entire original cast.

Dodgeball, a film about a team of misfits who try to win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Tournament to save their run-down gym from a powerhouse corporation, made an impressive $144M last summer, good enough to in the year’s top ten money makers.

Norty:I liked Dodgeball. But I don’t see how they can take Dodgeball 2 and make it different enough from the Stiller Dodgeball 1 to be as great. Of course, bring back Rip Thorn, throwing wrenches and kicking ass, and I’m there either way. *Sigh* I’m so weak…
Kern: I’ll throw wrenches at your face if it’ll make you feel better.
Norty: I wouldn’t be able to dodge them…..though maybe my mom would stop telling me I have a face for radio when we were finished….
Kern: Who asked you to dodge them?
Norty: Isn’t that the point of the sequel?
Kern: That’s what a sequel will feel like.
Norty: Zing!

Kate Bosworth Front-runner for Lois Lane Role

Superman-V.com (http://www.superman-v.com) is reporting that after several screentests with Brandon Routh (the unknown actor from Iowa who was cast as Superman), blonde actress Kate Bosworth seems to be frontrunner for the role of Lois Lane. Other actresses that have tested for the part include Elisha Cuthbert, Claire Danes and Keri Russell.

Superman, which will be directed by Bryan Singer, will be released in 2006. It is also speculated, but not confirmed yet, that Shawn Ashmore will take on the role of Jimmy Olsen while Kevin Spacey will play Lex Luthor

Norty: Shes that Tad Hamilton chick right?
Kern: She’s the Blue Crush chick. Not the ethnic one. She’s the Biker Boys chick.
Norty: …..shes not the Hamilton chick than?
Kern: Not sure. We’re talking about Spacey, right?
Norty: Bosworth. *Sigh* You and your Spacey hating….
Kern: I LOVE Spacey. It’s just that he’s a good actor and apparently not an asshole. I want to drive him out of Hollywood before they break his spirit. Bearing this in mind … Keanu Reeves really needs to be working more.
Norty: Ha! What’s left for him? The Wachowski sisters broke him.
Kern: …I could throw a wrench at his face.
Norty: I bet. Settle down for now, though. We got a couple more.

Luhrmann May Still Direct ‘Alexander’ Film

Even though friend Nicole Kidman and star Leo DiCaprio both came out saying it was dead, representatives of director Baz Luhrmann say otherwise.

“He still intends to make it”, a spokesperson said. “He currently has a number of projects in development and he has yet to decide which will be next on his slate.” No comments were made concerning the ‘competition’ angle, but it is possible that Oliver Stone’s recent failure Alexander might not be the repealing factor it once was.

Luhrmann’s project, tentatively called ‘Alx’, was slated to star Leonardo DiCaprio as the Macedonian conqueror. Nicole Kidman was also approached to play his mother.

Kern Why’s Alexander the Great so hot? What I’m really hoping to see is an Alexander the Grape project. The Cherry Clan have already proven their value as a franchise and I hear there’s a Lemonheads movie in the works…I smell crossover! …or is that a joke that only works on the West Coast? You have Alexander the Grape candy over there, right?
Norty: Perhaps I lead a sheltered East Coast life, but I’ve never seen this candy you speak of. Good thing too, because otherwise I thought your joke sucked/didn’t make sense. Glad you uh….clarified it.
Kern: Alexander the Grape is the bomb, yo…
Norty: Nothing like isolating yourself from most of the reading populace.
Kern: IT TASTES LIKE GRAPE. IT IS AWESOME. Also, the Cherry Clan is magnificently racist. It’s got these little slanty-eyed guys on it. It’s like finding a box of licorice with a Little Black Sambo character on it that says, “It’s negro-riffic!”
Norty: Uh……huh.
Kern: I’m not saying I’m racist … I’m saying the damn candy is!

Dimension to Bring Viewers to Wolf Creek

The Hollywood Reporter reports that Dimension Films has picked up the rights to distribute Wolf Creek, an indie horror thriller based on true events. The $1 million dollar budgeted film will make its debut at the Sundance Film Festival.

The movie, written and directed by newbie Greg McLean, tells the story of three travelers in the Australian outback who are threatened by a seemingly harmless local.

Norty: You know, the lack of details don’t do much to inspire interest.
Kern: Is it the guy from The Gods Must Be Crazy? Nothing’s scarier than a seemingly harmless aborigine with a Coke bottle…
Norty: I……don’t….know.

Portman looking likely to star in Vendetta

Variety reports that Garden State and Star Wars star Natalie Portman is in final talks to star in V is for Vendetta. The picture will be produced by Joel Silver and the Wachowski Brothers, who also co-wrote the screenplay. James McTeigue, the first assistant director on the Matrix films, will be making his directorial debut. The project will eventually be distributed by Warner Bros.

V will be based on the Alan Moore graphic novel of the same name and tells the story of “an alternate future in which Germany wins WWII and Great Britain becomes a fascist state. A terrorist freedom fighter known only as ‘V’ begins a violent guerilla campaign to destroy those who’ve succumbed to totalitarianism, and recruits a young woman he’s rescued from the secret police to join him.”

Kern: Violent gorillas? What’s this thing with pretty women and gorillas? Charlize Theron did that Mighty Joe Young, Sigourney had her Gorillas in the Mist … Hell, King Kong and Fay Wray! Speaking of which, has Jackson cast the chick role in his Kong? Because i’d like to throw my hat in the ring…
Norty: Two things. A) Guerillas are not animals in this sense, but humans fighting against an evil empire, or fighting back or whatever. B) Why…..the chick role……?
Kern: A) That’s ridiculous. Why would you train gorillas to fight empires and B) because I have nice gams.
Norty: Gams?
Kern: Look it up, Webster…..
Norty: Wait a minute. You screw up guerillas and I have to look up gams?
Kern: HEY! Don’t you call me a gorilla-humper, you goat-f***er!
Norty: Ah…..I think that about wraps us up for this week.
Kern: I swear to Christ, there’s a wrench here with your name on it…

Trailer of the Week

Well, actually, that might be a little misleading. There is no trailer this week, for two reasons. One, I’m currently on a 56k modem on my home computer, and paint dries faster than a trailer would download, and two, I just forgot in the pain that is having some weird virus. I don’t even know if any good trailers were released this week. Expect the feature to return in two weeks at the latest.

Reviews We Sit Through – For You!

Pretty much hit all the major releases in the last guide, and things were put on pause, more or less, for the holidays. Here’s a quick hit-list of the latest reviews on Pulse Movies.

Meet the Fockers – Yours truly reviewed the Fockers. (In case you didn’t gather that from above). You can read it here.

A Tale of Two Sisters – Arturo Garcia reviews this foreign horror film, and comes back a lot less than happy. You can read all about the horror that is this movie here.

Flight of the Phoenix – Ryan Closs submits his impressions of this film, and it definitely didn’t take him to soaring heights. Read about it here.

The Phantom of the Opera – Daniels posts a very special guest review for the Movies Pulse. He breaks down this movie into the good, the bad, and the rest. He walked away pretty happy in the end. Find out why here.

On DVD

The Manchurian Candidate – Some nice stuff, but this re-make just doesn’t live up to the good-ness that was the original. Find out why in McCullar’s review here.

Anacondas: The Search For the Blood Orchids – McCullar posts another review, and this time the movie is so bad it makes him want to do dope. Yes, it’s that bad. Read why here.

Anchorman – The Legend of Ron Burgundy – Ah, now this is a fine piece of cinema. Brad Torreano reviews this simple yet hillarious film here.

Napoleon Dynamite – Just call Micaelangelo ‘Mr. DVD’ this week, as he drops another review, this time of Dynamite. I had heard good about this movie, but apparently I can’t believe everything I hear. Read McCullar’s review here.

Garden State – Another movie I heard great things about, and this time I should believe it, according to Travis Leamons. He sits down with this great movie and tells you all about it here.

We Even Do Columns

Well, starting to run short on time here again, so unfortunately I’m going to have to cut it short again. The time period for these columns will be whatever was posted in this new year (And you’d have read everything else by now, right?)

Brendan Campbell, resident lover-boy, reviews last weekend’s box office, where the Fockers reigned supreme again. He also runs a joke into the ground with his teaser for his preview of this coming weekend’s movies. And, unless White Noise knocks the fock out of the Fockers, he’ll be killing the joke even more next week. And yes, even worse than I just did.

J. Kern starts off the year right, and if you know J. Kern, you know that means sitting through a horrible movie so YOU can laugh about it. And boy will you. But you’ll also be angry. Or at least I was. Yupp, the movie is actually SO bad it makes me angry reading about it. Read all about this crap here.

Michaelangelo McCullar. The yang to my yin. The matter to my anti-matter. Seems some things won’t change in the new year for him, including his not-so-subtle love of gloomchen (Yeah, McCullar, YOU were thinking of speakers, I’m sure). Anywho, back on topic, and McCullar decides to literally kick the New Year in the face with his Perfect Flick this week. Enter the Dragon is what perfection is all about this time, and I fully agree. It’s Bruce Lee people! Don’t listen to me, listen to him and read it here.

Last, but definitely far from least, Rob Sutton returns to the Bond series he is writing so well with his Badass Cinema this week. Entitled Total Bond-age, Part 5: Back For Moore, Rob details how Roger Moore was given the responsibility of keeping Bond alive in the 70s, and he does so perfectly. The Man with the Golden Gun is a good but overall weak Bond film, but The Spy Who Loved Me is a hell of a lot better. Of course, don’t take it from me, take it from Mr. Sutton and read all about it here.

Our Top Ten

Of course, I would be remiss to go this whole column without mentioning the Movies Crew’s Top Ten Films of 2004. The picks are somewhat diversified, but that just helps to show the different yet similar people we all really are. Check them out, and if you agree or think we’re crazy, let us know. We all definitely have one thing in common – we loves da feedback.

The End

Well, that about does it. No rant this week, because frankly, I have hope at the beginning of every year, and there’s just nothing to make me angry or bitter – yet. It doesn’t usually last long, though. But anyway, that is that. Take it easy, annnnnnnnd….

Until next time.