The Amodio Impact Replay For 1/07/05

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The Amodio Impact Replay for 1.7.05

You know, if they’re going to change the timeslot, I really should be notified. Well, it’s all ironed out and the Replay is here. Let’s do it. Odds on anything here topping the John Lynch hit? Not good…..

By the way, if you didn’t hear the wrestling headline of the year, Chyna went Liza on Guest-Pac and got arrested for domestic violence. WHAT? Resume reading when you’ve stopped laughing.

TNA IMPACT! NOW FAT-MASKED-MAN-FREE

We begin with “candid” footage of the Constructicons (Shane and Kazarian) taunting NASCAR boy as he practices with 3 Live Kru. I can just hear the jeers now. “If K-Kwik teaches you how to do a bodyslam, will you set him free?” “I hope Konnan didn’t see that Confederate flag tattoo….”

We’re canned from Universal Studios, and the arena is looking more and more like the set of Double Dare every week. Couldn’t they have gotten the GUTS venue? Tenay, West, and presumably Grand Wizard Hammond will be commentating. I take that back, Chris Daniels is out to bring some decent commentary to the X-Division matches. Daniels has been so good for so long, I still don’t know why WWE passes on him.

MATCH 1: BF Candido vs. A.J. F’ing Styles

Shit, I couldn’t even tell it was Skip until they put his name on the screen. Looks like he’s been hanging out at BK with Tragic. Ouch. I was pretty sure Ponch had turned to wrestling. I wonder if Candido will last longer in this match than he did in his ECW PPV title match against Taz(z). Well, there’s 30 seconds on the clock, so that answers that question. Slow “back-and-forth” to start, Candido takes a few bumps and bails to take a breather. Obviously Styles follows him with a nice tope. At least I think it was nice, the cameraman missed it completely. Candido gets momentum back with a lazy-ass Flair Beg, and reverses a top rope rana into a top rope Manhattan Drop. Styles is channeling Hennig here, making Candido’s lame offense look like Shock and Awe. Candido gets a near-fall off of a vertical suplex, and gets another one off of the Diving Guillotine Leg Drop. Candido no-sells a few punches as the announces try to make him seem legitimate. Face comeback for AJ, and the crowd wants his nuts, which is always nice to see. A back body drop later, Candido pulls out a powerslam and bails AGAIN. He goes up, but gets the Flair launch from the top. Styles Clash is reversed to a powerbomb which is reversed to the Styles Clash, and that will be all at 5:17. Styles did his best, but as bad as Candido is, Benoit has pulled better out of Sid. Sorry. *1/2.

Bore-ass and Franchise give out the year end awards, and “Moment of the Year” is Skipper’s cage-walk rana. Uh, yeah. THAT was a tough call. My favorite part of that spot was the crowd chanting “Please don’t die! Please don’t die! Please don’t die!” as he set up for it.

Fairplay shows up to see Duthty with some skank who can’t even get in a truck without slipping. I thought you could do retakes when you’re TAPING THE SHOW. Oh well. I didn’t understand this segment, and I think I’m better off for it.

MATCH 2: X-Division Champion Pete “Hate me because I’m Canadian” Williams (w/Scott D’Amore) vs. Andy “I’m one of the Naturals. Right, that team that AMW couldn’t get over.” Douglas

Headlock sequence to start, and the heel (wait, they’re both heels. Ok, the lame heel) gets the advantage with a SARCASTICALLY HEINOUS kick to the stomach. Whip ends up in a double eye-poke. Ah, right, because they’re both heels. Cute. I don’t know who told Petey that in order to be a heel he had to get dirty whiny-rocker hair, but it doesn’t look too bad. Manhattan drop and clothesline for Douglas, and with no emotion at all he tries the Jericho cocky pin. Heel cheating on the outside, and Williams gets his heel comeback squashed by a tilt-o-whirl backbreaker. Emotionless choke, and Douglas’ lame act has sucked any interest right out of this match. Williams comes back with his Canadian Legsweep, and Destroyer gets reversed into some snakeeyes. This time lame punk heel #2 distracts Williams, and they botch a rollup finish for the pin at 3:53. Geez. 1/2*.

Apparently the recap of the AMW vs. Team Canada tag match shows that they did the worst version of the Starrcade 98 Triple Threat Cruiser finish that I’ve ever seen to give AMW the titles. Big surprise!

MATCH 3: Chris “Edgar” Sabin vs. “I’m Big” Bobby Roode (w/Scott D’A “Please, no” More)

Rana to start, as Daniels goes into hype mode for an Ultimate X Berth match with Sabin. NICE springboard missile dropkick and the crowd perks right up as Sabin gets 2. Roode takes the advantage back by skinning the cat and getting a neckbreaker for 2 of his own. The crowd doesn’t like Roode, and he gets distracted long enough for Sabin to come back. Lame-ass Austijericho running choke gets another near-fall, and then Sabin muscles out of a really short resthold. Crucifix gets 2, and he caps off the face comeback with Jericho’s running enziguiri. Sabin is looking good, that’s for sure. D’Amore distracts the ref and Daniels leaves the commentary table to break up the cradle shock and allow Roode to get the rear clothesline OF DEATH (apparently now the NORTHERN LARIAT) for 3 at 2:58. This was way too short, but had good energy. **.

More year-end awards, and the one to watch in 2005 apparently is Hector Garza. Make your own pot joke here.

MATCH 4: David Young (J*) vs. “K-Monkey” Konnan.

As a primer, (J) means Jobber, and (J*) means J-Star Jobber, the most pathetic of the pathetic. You call on a J-Star Jobber when you need someone to put over a pathetic wrestler (hey! like Konnan!) because even my Crazy Uncle Eric would look imposing next to one. Two big fat primates. Great! Apparently nobody’s told Killings that he looks like an idiot. Or maybe when you roll with Road Dogg and Konnan that’s the idea. Konnan cuts another horrible promo. Good to see some things don’t change. Young gets some lame offense, but gets a foot in the face as he comes off the top, and I have a feeling that that’s about it for him. Rolling thunder, and we see a big fat loser and an old lady in the crowd cheering for him. That sounds about right. Young can’t even do a corner bump right. I mean, come on, even COACH can do that. Konnan needs INTERFERENCE to put Young away, and the X-Factor mercifully puts Young away at 2:05. Yuck. ZERO STARS. The crowd liked this, but it defeats the whole purpose of a jobber match. Mr. Young, I’ve seen Barry Horowitz, and you, sir, are NO Barry Horowitz.

“I’m old” DDP finds “I’m washed up” Raven in the back. This was a hot match in 1997. THAT WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO. Erik Watts sneaks up on Raven to raise the suck quotient astronomically, and drags Raven to the ring to give him a beating. Honestly, when did Raven start wearing a skirt?

More awesome WWE Video Guy packages, what a big pickup.

It’s Jarrett interview time, as Tenay runs down the contenders. Monty Brown, DDP, and Kevin Nash are the pickings. Wait, the #1 contender’s triple threat is on PPV? What kind of booker comes up with that? Oh, right. Jarrett does his Memphis yelling, and the production guys need to turn down the crowd noise, it’s been drowning out the lame-ass interview segments all night. Jarrett asks Tenay if he’d like to “Talk about the three way.” Once again, make your own joke. DDP interrupts from the crowd, and in an ironic twist, since his horrible Smells Like Teen Spirit knockoff music is now owned by WWE, now uses Smells Like Teen Spirit. Funny. DDP attacks Jarrett, Brown attacks DDP, and Nash shows up, sans red-striped sailor shirt to attack Brown, until security breaks it up. Okay then.

Main event time, and NASCAR boy is here. Yuck.

MATCH 5: Kid “I look like Kid Rock!” Kash and “Everything’s bigger in Texas, especially me, because I’m Big” Dallas vs. Dustin Rhodes and Jeff “Way Past the Expiration Date” Hardy

When did they sign Goldust? Just what we need, more flotsam polluting this roster. Good to see Goldust was rewarded so nicely for getting Booker T over. Hardy and Kash start, and Jeff has a lime green hanky in his back pocket, which I think is code for “I jerked off into Kazarian’s tights.” Cruiser stuff to start, and Kash nearly botches the flip-out counter to the monkey roll that Shelton loves. Hardy then TOTALLY whiffs on a clothesline. Dear god, we have reports of TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF SUCK. A botched DDT on Hardy, and I’m starting to miss Nash. Tag in to The Natural, and he hits both heels with pretty good punches. They try to do the “heel distraction” spot, and Dallas screws up the timing on THAT. Kash grabs an armbar, and Hardy gets frustrated and distracts the ref, allowing the heels to doubleteam Goldy. He’s not the only one. Double-team spear and Hart Attack from Kash and Dallas gets 2. Kash tries a stacked moonsault and that whiffs. I don’t think it was botched that badly, but it looked screwed up, and that’s as good as the real thing! Rollup and Bossman Slam complete a quick comeback for Goldust before he gets the hot tag. HARDY’S IN, and he REDECORATES HOUSE. Legdrop and Manhattan Drop complete the HARDY GROIN ASSAULT, and gets 2 off of a Complete Shot. Poultry In Motion was hot in 1999, just…ahem…flaming now. Rhodes’ bulldog sets up the Thwanton for 3 at the longest 4:43 ever. Dustin is exempt from this because he was professionally mediocre. But as for the rest of them, this was DISGUSTINGLY bad, blown spots ALL OVER the place, as all the X has apparently wiped Jeff Hardy out for good. -** How this company can tolerate putting shit like THAT on the screen when they have the amount of talent that they do is unfathomable. Even double-taped Nitro wasn’t that bad.

Jarrett and the Russian argue as we go off the air. Joy.

The Replay Replay:

Bad show. You want to play with the big boys? Start acting like it. I know that TNA is capable of so much better, but a first-time watcher wouldn’t. The line between the haves and the have-nots has never been as clear in this company, and this show was all have-nots. See you next week.