The Smackdown Short Form, 01.06.05

Okay, here’s the weekly excuse for Wednesday: On Tuesday, we got caught in the ice storms that nailed the entire Midwest. My Net access was down from sometime on Tuesday night to sometime after I left for work on Wednesday. Thus, no column. Sorry.

Since I don’t have anything witty or intelligent to say, I’ll just move on to something less witty and intelligent, namely Smackdown…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Rey-Rey over Eddy Guerrero (Pinfall, small package): I’ve been talking in the Raw Short Form about matches that you know are going to be great going in simply due to the competitors. Here’s one of the few examples on Smackdown of that. The knock on Rey-Rey is that he can’t wrestle mat-based psychological matches. I think he answered all of his critics with this one. It was a terrific example of both psychology and anglo-lucha, something I’ve been a big fan of since it was pioneered in WCCW over twenty years ago. And it included an equally terrific ref bump that, for once, worked. Kudos to all involved for fifteen minutes of pure pleasure.

Apparently, the playbook that Rey-Rey is working out of is the Kama Sutra

Rey-Rey channels Shelton Benjamin for a moment

And repeats the channeling later in the match

Rey-Rey goes high-flying and gets a face full of mat for his troubles

Sho Funaki over Akio, Cruiserweight Title Match (Pinfall, DDT): This one was more X Division than Juniors, except with WWE’s typical homogenizing of some other trend. I’m split about other comments here. I can either go on and on about the misuse of the talent of Jimmy Yang, or I can regale you yet again about how I was at the urinal next to Funaki at Hartsfield one day. I’ll forego either one, I think.

Distraction with a fro

Meanwhile, Akio does a little damage to Funaki

Kurt Angle over Brian Black, Kurt Angle Invitational (Submission, AngleLock): Shit, this one was too quick for me to even get a screen cap. Not like I care or anything. It’s just another Kurt Angle Invitational Match.

Ever wonder what Brock Lesnar would look like without tattoos and steroids? Meet Brian Black.

Doug…well, really Danny Basham over Rob Van Dam (Pinfall, sit-out powerbomb): Words alone can’t describe how much I didn’t give a f*ck about this match. Even the end-of-match switch didn’t cause me to pay attention.

Rob Van Dam showing that he has some familiarity with an arm-bar

The Undertaker versus John Heidenreich and Paul Heyman, Handicrap Match (ND, Heyman locked in casket): “This match should be just as good as Eddy Guerrero and Rey Misterio.” Tazz is a f*cking liar, although you could tell that from the ECW DVD. Angle Advancement main event with nothing good to say about it. Huzzah.

Heidenreich showing off his versatility in the ring by applying a side headlock

Cole says it’s rare to see UT do an arm-drag. So I’ll screen cap that rare moment for you.

Angle Developments:

Sign This, Bitch: First of all, why are they recycling the whole petition idea with Carly? I think they’re trying to go for a Randy Orton thing here, keep him involved until he heals enough to compete, but doing another petition? Jericho did it so much better years ago. Dull way to keep him in the mix. Of course, Jesus is hurt as well, so that option got closed. Maybe “creative” is trying the best they can, and f*cking it up as usual.

First catfights with Amy Weber, now apple in the face. What did Joy Giovanni ever do to them?

Speaking of Amy Weber, what a tramp, huh?

And here we thought we’d remain High-Quality Speaker Boy-free for the night

Daniel Puder, Heel-In-Waiting: So they’ve finally decided how Puder’s going to fit into the food chain. He’s going to be an asshole heel, as evidenced by his behavior toward The Ten-Buck Tramp and Jackie Gayda. Well, at least the personality-free Puder might be able to pull this one off without any real effort. Just keep bad-mouthing women; it seems to get people over in WWE.

Puder implies that both are sluts. Puder is right.

“Battle Rap” Seems To Be Missing One Letter: Well, that was a useless waste of everyone’s time. Kenzo using his limited command of English in an interesting way, Cena making gay jokes, Hiroko showing why she can’t be a background singer…what a f*cking train wreck of an SE spot.

Uncle Sam and Cho-Cho-San

And that’ll be it for this Smackdown Short Form. I’ll be taking part in the New Years’ Revolution Round Table this weekend, and then I’ll be back on Tuesday, where I hope to have downloaded the PPV in time to make some comments about it. Until then, ta.

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