WWE Bottomline Report 8/1/05
This is my very first report. If you’ve got a minute, toss me an email with feedback.
Introduction video…and Mark Lyod is here with us, telling us that just maybe we’ll see some stuff from last Monday’s RAW. He begins talking about Batista, and how he got the best time on Raw…two weeks ago, which gives him the last entrance in the Elimination Chamber. Last week, it was three matches with all six participants in singles matches, which flows nicely into our first match, Chris Benoit Vs Batista.
The match begins with batista shoving Benoit into the corner, but being reversed into a Crossface, which really looks more like an overhead rear choke than a crossface. Perhaps because of this, Batista is able to power up into a standing position and move over to the corner, and proceed to ram Benoit’s head into the corner until the hold is broken. Batista gets up, looks angry, picks up Benoit and delivers the Demon bomb for the pin!
Batista, HHH, and Flair is in the back, and Flair is convincing HHH that it’s just a matter of time until the belt is back around HHH’s waist. HHH says he’s glad that he can count on Batista, and Batista wants his 100$ from last week for losing the bet they made. HHH gets Flair to pay him, but Batista wants HHH’s money. HHH looks perturbed, but still hands up the 100 spot, and Batista tells him to get a sense of humour. That was pretty funny.
-Up next, Randy Orton wants to take everything away from HHH.
-Promo for New Years Revolution, tomorrow night! Six superstars will enter the cage, and only five will come out!
-WWE sponsor Pizza Pizza suggests strictly in metaphor that if you buy their pizza, Christy Hemme will come with it.
-Smackdown comes to Montreal January 18th.
-Commercial for the ECW DVD, which I bought and watched today, actually. So far, it’s been a really great documentary.
Back to the show with Mark Lyod. After he shills the sponsors, we get to clips of the non-title match between Shelton and Grenier, with Maven on commentary. Dropkick on Benjamin and a pin attempt fails, and Grenier gets into an argument with his partner at ringside, and Benjamin comes back with a leapfrog and spin kick, taking care of both guys. T-bone suplex results in Benjamin getting the pin. Maven stands up on commentary and says that Shelton only has six days left before Maven beats him. Conveniently, they have a match at New Years Revolution.
-Up next, Muhammad Hassan gets in the face of Jerry Lawler. Or maybe not, since they promised Randy Orton during the last bumper and didn’t deliver that.
-Wrestlemania moment….Sid vs Undertaker? Um…okay. I guess it was good for Undertaker marks or something, but I’m not sure that was really one of those moments that gets etched in the annals of history or anything.
-Blade commercial. Is this movie still in theatres? It’s been like, a month now.
-GTA: San Andreas commercial. If you don’t buy it, gangsters will come to your house and steal your mom.
-If you want, you can get a solo Bell phone and have Chris Benoit’s shitty mic skills be your official ring.
-Todd Grisham has good news! WWE is coming your way! Well, Smackdown, anyways. Kitchener, ontario, january 15th, Halifaxm Nova Scotia on the 16th, and Quebec City, Quebec, January 17th. Tickets on sale now.
Subways Slam of the week…Hassan’s translator comes up and speaks english at the King and JR, and they weren’t very nice words. Mark Loyd introduces us to the debate that happened this last monday. Lawler begins by saying that it’s okay to express your distate, but it’s not okay to call soldiers cowards. He says that people don’t hate him because he’s arab american, they hate him because an obnoxious jackass. The translator gets real angry, but isn’t speaking English anymore. Hassan says that most arab americans make him sick anyway. Ooh, the asshole chant is getting really loud for this guy. He says that most arab americans hide their heritage and are ashamed, and he won’t have it because he won’t accept a racist nation. He targets JR and says that deep down inside, it must sicken him that Hassan is just as American as apple pie and his Oklahoma sooners. He calls him a big, racist coward, and dares him to defend America. JR asks, really, what country is perfect? As far as America is concerned, he says that you love it, or by gawd, you leave it. Muhammad kicks the podium down and undoes his suit jacket, and gut-punches JR and they gang up on Lawler. They give JR a few more kicks, and laugh at Lawler for trying to get up. Ooh, they busted him up pretty bad. Mark Loyd tells us that Lawler has demanded that he face Hassan at New Years Revolution.
-Up next, Edge complains to Bischoff that things just aren’t fair, since Michaels doesn’t really like him all that much, what with the costing him the title at Taboo Tuesday and all.
-Commercial for the Snitsky Vs Kane match tomorrow night.
-They’re putting MP3 players into everything these days, like the Nicoderm patch commercial, for example.
-Another commercial for New Years Revolution, this one focusing on the Elimination Chamber. How can any man survive?
-And now, the WWE rewind, from Taboo Tuesday, and Edge’s screwing of Shawn Michaels and HHH’s subsequent victory.
Mark Loyd explains just why Edge was mad at Shawn Michaels. Bischoff wasn’t happy at Edge for costing him all that revenue that Michaels would have made in the last two months, and this segues into the match between Jericho and Edge last monday. Edge spin kicks Jericho and tries the pin, but only gets two. Edge picks him up and tries for the impaler, but that gets reversed into a northern lights suplex. Edge kicks out, and Jericho tries the walls, but Edge powers out. Jericho hits a shoulder block and fails pinning Edge twice. He goes up top, but Edge meets him halfway and tries for a superplex, but that gets reversed as Jericho throws him down to the mat. However, he misses the crossbody, and Edge prepares for the spear. Jericho leapfrogs over it, but Edge counters into a victory roll and holds onto the ropes (the ones above where the referee was) and gets the pin!
Mark Loyd tells us that the Elimination chamber was designed to punish the human body. They show the video that was made to sell the match two years ago, and subsequent highlights from the past two matches. When they show them real fast and with all the strobe lighting, they do look especially painful and scarring.
-Themeaddict, the WWE music album volume 6. I remember listening to volume 4 and realizing that Benoits, Ravens, and Litas themes at the time were all exactly the same save for the auxillery audio involved (with Benoit, it was a second guitar. With Raven, it was crowes, and with Lita it was likely Lita). It’s not like the music has got any better (listen to Carlito’s, it’s particularly bad. Same with Heidenriech’s), but at least they’re not cutting corners by using the same riff anymore.
-January 17th, Raw comes to Toronto! They give away the main event! It’s a 6-man!
Mark Loyd stands in front of a big ad for New Years Revolution. It starts at 8, and on a Sunday! So revolutionary! He runs down the card:
Snitsky Vs Kane
Lita Vs Trish (Women’s Championship)
Shelton Benjamin Vs Maven (Intercontinental Championship)
Eugene & William Regel Vs Christian and Tyson Tomko
Jerry Lawler Vs Muhammad Hassan
Elimination Chamber match: Jericho Vs Orton Vs Batista Vs Benoit VS HHH Vs Edge (for the Vacated Heavyweight Championship of the world)
-And then they play a lengthier version of the video they just played of the Elimination Chamber, but with more highlights and more dramatic music. There’s a lot of HHH doing offense in there, even though I think he’s performed maybe six moves in both matches combined.
-Up next, Snitsky reassures us that nothing that will happen is his fault.
Welcome back. Mark Loyd wonders just what surprise Snitsky has in store for Kane. We see highlights of Taboo Tuesday, but don’t see the actual neck breaking chair shot. Snitsky then attacks Kane on the stretcher. Last week, we see Trish bragging over Victoria, and telling her that all Lita’s hard work will be for naught. Lita comes out, and slaps Trish. They exchange punches, and Lita gains the advantage. She pounds on Trish in the corner and chokes her. Hairpull into a monkey flip and a choke hold leads to Snitsky coming out and grabbing Lita. Trish kicks Lita in the head from behind, and Snitsky grabs a chair. He puts lita’s head in it, but the lights go out and Kane returns. Snitsky and Kane exchange punches on the rampway, and Kane easily gains the advantage and the fight spills out into the crowd. Security keeps them away from one another. The show cuts to Kane being in the ring with Lita, and Lita looking still just a little scared of him. Fire erupts from the ringposts.
-Up next, Batista gets a zinger on Triple H. “Sure, we’ll stay back here…Unless he really stars kicking your ass.”
-Yet another commercial for the Elimination chamber. That marks five different videos for one match this show.
-Can’t get enough WWE excitement? Get that WWE phone, and get front of the line ticket access, and constant, sure to be annoying up to the minute updates on your favorite superstars.
-And then ANOTHER new ad for the Elimination Chamber match, this one featuring civil war soldiers marching and yelling and really making no metaphorical sense.
And now, the main event of last weeks Raw, HHH Vs Orton. We’re actually starting the match at the bell as they stare each other down…oh, then we cut to probably three minutes before the end of the match with Orton in control. Whip to the ropes and a pin attempt fails at two. Neckbreaker and another failed pin attempt. Bodyslam on HHH and Orton goes up to the top rope and hits the crossbody, but only gets 2. Orton gets the crazy eyes and tries the RKO, but it gets countered into a sleeper, that gets countered into a sleeper, that gets countered into a sleeper…jesus. Eventually, Orton gets HHH down, but HHH rams Orton backwards into the corner where the Referee is. Flair slides the ringbell to HHH, but Orton kicks him in the gut, and nails Flair off the apron. Orton grabs the bell and nails HHH! Batista comes in and nails Orton, but Benoit comes in for the save, and they fight to the outside. Benoit slams Batista into the steel steps, and Edge has come in and is in the spear position, but Jericho intercepts it and throws him out. Jericho then hits a suicide plancha putting everyone that’s ran out to the floor. Shawn comes out wearing a referee’s suit, and HHH doesn’t seem to like that all that much. Orton comes up behind them and hits the RKO, but HHH throws him off. Pedigree attempt, but Orton rolls him up. That gets two, but then Orton hits the RKO and gets the pin!
Mark Loyd thought it was a pretty good match; but the question remains, will Orton do it tomorrow night? Or will it be someone else? What is certain is that it will likely be someone who is scheduled to be in the match! Catch it, among other things, this sunday at 8 on Pay Per View!
And the credits roll.
