Riding Coattails: Prickus Maximus


I don’t think I’ve ever seen a less likeable contestant on a reality show than The Amazing Race’s Jonathan, who comprises 50% of the “married entrepreneurs” team with his wife, Victoria. (Entrepreneurs of what, exactly? New ways to torture someone you claim to love? Did they apply to be on the show in order to market their ideas?) The whining, the insults, and general kvetching that spew from this man’s mouth appear to get worse with every episode. And although Victoria isn’t a whole lot better, when placed next to her man, she tends to appear saintly by comparison. These two are the poster children for marital dysfunction. I can’t stand them, and yet I’m fascinated by them. I hope they’re the runners up in the race, because they don’t deserve to win, yet without them, the show wouldn’t be nearly as interesting.

I wonder if Jonathan’s ever been in therapy. I’m sure psychologists would have a field day with this guy. He strikes me as what shrinks would call an oblivious narcissist, someone who sees themselves as better than everyone else and an exception to the rules. Oblivious narcissists don’t consider how their words and actions impact those around them and tend to possess a strong sense of entitlement. The world owes them something and they’ll step on anyone who stands in the path of what is rightfully theirs. Jonathan’s behavior in The Amazing Race has certainly demonstrated that entitlement time and time again, as he screams at his wife when she makes mistakes or harasses other players who seem to get in his way, like Gus and Hera, who got lucky and caught a faster flight to Hungary than he did.

I could go on all day about what a prick I think Jonathan is, but it’s better let his own words speak for him, with my snide comments following:

“Clicking on AOL is like communicating with my best friend.”

Yeah, that’s because no one else, including your wife, can stand you. Computers, on the other hand, aren’t nearly as discriminating.

“You’re dumb.”

This was Jonathan’s pronouncement as he and his wife finally climb into a taxi after an argument. A classic projection of his own insecurities onto his whipping girl of choice. If I were Victoria, I’d kick him in the crotch and make a run for it.

“That’s why women don’t rule the world.”

Jonathan said this after he discovered that Victoria failed to hail a cab when he asked her to. So not only is he an egotistical jerk, he’s a sexist pig, too. What a charming combination!

“I don’t want to paddle something. I’m going to take off my underwear and jump in.”

This was Jonathan’s brilliant justification for choosing the water polo challenge over rafting across the Danube. However, he was probably worried that Victoria would start assaulting him with oars if they had opted for the paddling activity. And although he’s not a bad-looking guy, I was relieved that the contestants were required to don appropriate water polo attire before participating. Everyone already knows Jonathan’s a dick; they certainly don’t need to see it.

“She’s the eater.”

Jonathan explained why Victoria was the woman for the job at the spicy soup-eating competition. Why not just call her fat and get it over with, butt boy? Honestly, he couldn’t have been meaner or less supportive of Victoria while she was trying to down that huge bowl of soup. And even after she told him, “It you’d just shut up, it would really help,” he continued to smear her ego with psychological poo. Maybe she should have vomited right on his face or something. I would have.

“Don’t go pit stop crying again.”

This was Jonathan’s sage advice to Victoria as they made a run for the pit stop. I assume that he was referring to her tearful sprint in Berlin when he wanted to ditch their packs to make it to the pit stop and Victoria, uneasy about leaving them unattended, hoisted both on her back and sobbed her way to the finish line. Ah, another productive means of spousal communication: dig up past issues and rub them on presently open wounds. Way to go, Jonathan! Aside from physically smacking Victoria around, I’d say you’ve done just about everything you could to make her feel terrible about herself and her choice of husband. I hope that after this is all over, Victoria locks you in a room with Lori and Bolo and leaves you there until you get what you deserve.