The Crucifix

Welcome to this weeks edition of The Crucifix. As you can see we’ve got some new art for the new year, Amy Lee straight representing The ‘Fix from now on. New Years Revolution was last night so I’ll delve into that one, but before I do, we’ve got to get to all the action from last week. On with the show…

Raw 01.03.05
-GM Eric opens, announcing Batista/Benoit, Edge/Jericho and HHH/Orton for the night.
-Batista def. Benoit after a BIG DAVE snake eyes on the metal turnbuckle and the BIG DAVE bomb.
-Evolution in the back, Batista tells Triple H he wants the 100 dollars from their bet last week. Triple H gets pissed and tells Flair to pay him. Batista says he doesn’t want Flairs money, he wants HHH’s because he made the bet with him. Trips gets even more pissed and goes to give him the 100. Batista tells Trips to lighten up and that he doesn’t want his money. Dave walks away laughing.
-Snitsky tells Kane that whatever happens at NYR, it’s not his fault.
-Edge complains about HBK being special ref.
-Edge def. Jericho with a little help from the ropes.
-Shelton Benjamin def. Sylvain Greiner with Maven at the announce desk,
-Americans vs. Arab American debate: I did commentary for our live report, which can be found here.
-Coach out to announce
-Trish def. Victoria
-Trish on the stick, talking junk to Lita. Lita comes out and they brawl. Kane’s pyro hits for some reason, and then Snitsky comes out. Lita gets distracted and walks into a chick kick. Snitsky goes to pillmanize Lita’s neck, but Kane’s music hits about 3 minutes after his pyro and he makes his return, taking out Snitsky..
-Christy doing a photo shoot, Eugene walks up, singing “Rumors” from Lindsay Lohan. Regal comes along to pry Eugene away, but Christy takes Eugene away to “motivate” him. Regal picks up Eugene’s CD player and starts sining the song. Funny shit.
-Christian def. Eugene
-HHH tells Batista to hang backstage for his match, because he’s going to show that Orton was just a tag along. Dave agrees, he’ll hang tight until HHH starts getting his ass whipped.
-Randy Orton def. HHH

The RAW Membrane

Legally:
-Batista’s snake eyes to Benoit on the exposed turnbuckle was assault and reckless endangerment.
-Batista trying to recieve payment for the bet was illegal gambling.
-Snitsky saying it won’t be his fault shows premeditation.
-Edge is guilty of being a whiny bitch.
-Sylvain Grenier is guilty of sucking.
-Muhammed Hassan and Khosorow Daivari are guilty of assault and battery.
-Snitsky is guilty of assault on Lita.
-The pyro guys are guilty of screwing up royally. Either the pyro was supposed to go off to scare Snitsky, who wasn’t out there yet, or it was supposed to go off and coincide with Kane’s entrance. Either way, they messed it up and didn’t even hit the pyro when Kane dropped the hands afterward.

Personally
-Batista vs. Benoit was awesome. Seemed rushed at first, but I got into it. The finish with the turnbuckle was damn creative,
-If Batista can keep being as good in skits and on the stick as he has been recently, he’s gold baby…GOLD.
-Snitsky is so yesterday, he’s morning before now, not mourning after.
-Edge needs to go to Smackdown for 2 reasons: 1. He’s better off there and 2. I don’t really get to watch Smackdown that much. I try but it’s hard. Edge is just pissing me off.
-Question: Can Sylvain Grenier suck any worse than he does already? Shelton did his best but that was horrible.
-My poor Victoria! Getting jobbed out hard in that match with Trish. She just got whipped. Torn ACL and all. Maybe her puppy Pookie can help her out, but I’ll plug her site just to do my part. Go visit Victoria. Send her an email or something, letting her know how much we appreciate her grinding it out with a bum knee. Also try to get her to be the psycho again.
-You mean to tell me that Christy got $250,000 to do photo shoots? C’mon!
-Regal is damn hilarious.
-Give Christian the World Title. NOW
-Once again BIG thumbs up to BIG DAVE.
-HHH vs. Orton was fun, but why blow the Wrestlemania load on Raw? Maybe their changing their minds?
-Overall not a bad piece of business.

Smackdown 01.06.05
-Rey Mysterio def. Eddie Guerrero
-Heidenreich talks to Heyman
-Funaki def. Akio
-Carlito spits in Joy’s face because she won’t sign his petition to get rid of Teddy Long.
-Teddy makes Heyman & Heidenreich vs. Undertaker for tonight.
-Amy tells Angle to meet her after his match.
-Kurt Angle def. Jobber
-Puder acts like a jerk to Jackie and Torrie.
-Cena and Kenzo end their Battle Rap with a brawl.
-Doug Basham def. RVD after Danny switched in.
-Angle goes to meet Amy, but walks in on Joy’s shower. Joy runs to Big Show, who chases Angle to ringside. Reigns and Jindrak fail in the save, and Show takes out Angle.
-Undertaker def. Heyman & Heidenreich,

Legally
-Carlito spitting in Joy’s face is just f*cked up. No need, I mean many people might sign your petition.
-Amy is guilty of being a whore.
-Puder is guilty of being a dickhead. C’mon, how dumb can you be, take either Torrie or Jackie and go for it you idiot.
-Danny Basham is guilty of violating the Calvin Klein laws and identity theft of Doug.
-Joy is guilty of being a damn witch. You don’t run to Big Show when Carlito spits on you, but you’ll run because Angle has his johnson ready to play? Bugger off little lady!

Personally
-This show is like watching the Special Olympic X-Games. Sometimes funny, sometimes entertaining, but overall just generally sad.
-Seeing Mysterio and Guerrero always provides some fun.
-My Heidenreich thoughts: Still don’t care
-Funny how the cruiserweight division becomes the “All-Japan” division now that Funaki has the strap.
-Heyman/Heidenreich vs. Undertaker? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
-Dan Puder didn’t get acting lessons on Tough Enough, that’s for sure. He sucks as an actor. Plus, “They’re only after my money”? You won a measely million you idiot. THANKS CREATIVE!
-Seriously, Joy is an idiot and remembering the competition, she does have a fat ass.
-Watching Heyman/Heidenreich vs. Undertaker? I threw up. It’s bad enough that you gave our troops Heidenreich/Taker, don’t bring that shit home.


New Years Revolution 01.09.05

Since it was last night, I won’t give the rundown and since it was a Pay-Per-View nothing really illegal happens, so I’ll just give you my thoughts on the show and it’s nuances.

-Thank God Christian didn’t get shoved down into the tag title ranks again. Just give him the damn World Title! Anybody that would sign a petition for this, email me.
-Lita better be injured. No excuse to take the title off her so soon unless she got hurt. Isn’t it ironic: Fire almost the entire division to have eye candy and now you’re down to three people if Lita is out. One has a torn ACL herself and the other two are heels. Sucks to be creative.
-Having Edge offer up his title shot takes away ANY credibility that Edge had. There was better ways to set up and Edge/HBK feud.
-Who did Maven piss off? The “We now have two Women’s Champions” line was hilarious though. But seriously, who did Maven forget to jerk off?
-Hassan has the making of a star. A star that will murder you and your whole family if you dare go against the cause.
-Snitsky/Kane was hard to watch, but it was better than Undertaker/Heidenreich…oh just by saying it I threw up again.
-Triple H won? I’m SHOCKED. Seriously. I thought they were going to swerve and have Batista take it home.
-Overall the show wasn’t horrible. I wouldn’t force anyone to buy it but it was alright for the first PPV of the year.


The Crown of Thorns: Raw 01.10.05
-Batista may just turn on Triple H tonight.
-Edge and HBK will have a pull apart brawl.
-Jericho will start a program with Hassan.
-Maven will win the IC Title
-Victoria will start a real program with Trish (You can do it honey!).
-Orton will give that speach: “I have OFFICIALLY entered the Royal Rumble.”
-Benoit will be found in a corner going “WTF!?”

The Crown of Thorns: Smackdown 01.13.05
-I don’t f***ing know!
-Angle will be found banging Joy.
-Show will chokeslam both Angle and JBL
-The Bashams will win the tag titles.
-Funaki will start a program with Spike Dudley.
-Amy Webber will continue to be hot.


-Abyss left TNA last week, which wasn’t expected by the office. Maybe they should’ve looked at his contract. Wait? What contract? Smart move jerky. But hey, it happens to the best. Vinnie Mac forgot about Lex Luger’s contract before Nitro so I guess they’re excused.

-Falling in the funniest shit I’ve ever heard pit: “Joanie (Laurer) was arrested on 1/1 for domestic battery. She assaulted me, struck me in the head and face countless times after getting back from the Playboy Mansion. There were several witneses to her behavior, including Jeff Meecham from The Extreme Mayhem Show, and unfortunately, my two children witnessed and heard all of this. She was released today, once again, having to suffer no consequences for her behavior. She showed no remorse.” this came from Sean Waltman’s website. I don’t care what the date was, this is just too hilarious. Especially the “…my two children…” line. Yes Sean, your two kids now know that Daddy is going out with a man with implants. I could have told you the bitch was psycho a long time ago. Triple H, a workout freak, let her go and went with Stephanie. That says something. He risked his career to be with someone other than that nut case. It’s like Ace of Base, Sean: “I saw the signs…and it opened up my eyes I saw the signs…” Can’t you see signs you fool!?

– Congratulations to the NY Mets for getting Carlos Beltran. The little runts from Queens are stealing our back page that was reserved for Randy Johnson. Although I agree with the thought of getting as much cheddar as possible, I still think Scott Boras is the biggest snake in sports.

-Congratulations to Michael Kay and the staff on the move to “prime time”. I don’t know if radio has prime time, but I assume that their move to a later time slot for the rush hour drive home means they got a promotion. Now only if they could send me a portable radio for my second job at night. Joey? Please? Don? Michael? C’mon I’m dying at the second job!

-Why do I think that a Subway Series for us New Yorkers isn’t out of the question this year?

-Matt Michael goes to Vegas and it snows. There are way too many things I want to say about that but not enough space. Let’s just say it’s ironic.

-Brock Lesnar is looking for work. HA! Some people owe me money because I soooooo had January in the office pool. Seriously though, he is over in New Japan with Rena Mero, showing up to sell himself. Pardon me while I check out WWE’s back…oh wait…the knife is still there! That must be why Vince won’t give Brock any work. It’s a good thing he’s going to Japan, because his reputation here is sullied and I honestly don’t even think TNA would hire him for fear of another Randy Savage debacle. Maybe he can build himself back up in Japan and Vince will ask him back after time, but I like the fact that he can’t get past McMahon’s assistant Beth. I wish they would tape the phone conversations and play them on TV. Hearing Brock beg would be a highlight. Another thing I like about the situation is Big Show using the F-5. It’s kind of like WWE is taunting Brock. That’s cool beans in my book.

-Just to let you guys know, I turned heel this week with a few people on the staff. I was The Cuban Crippler, aligned with El Pelirojo, The Boricua Bonecrusher, El Camino Negro and Chigger The Destroyer ran rampant through the staff. “Cinco Enfuegos” used sheer brutality as we cut down anyone in our path. However, I came to realize that was wrong, and turned back face. I am the Liberating Leprechaun, part of The International Triad with The Russian Bear and The Korean Dream. I will do whatever it takes to repent for my sins, even if it means taking out Cuatro Enfuegos (Formerly Cinco). El Enfuegos was MY creation damn it! If anyone is going to kill it, it’s going to be me. I’m going to inject it with a lethal poison. It will be me, and the other two members of TIT. I’m going to stop talking about this before you guys think I am hallucinating. If you’re interested in what wars the staff has going, just let me know and I’ll make it part of the column. With their approval of course.

Check this out:

The People’s Choice Awards, hosted by Jason Alexander and Malcolm-Jamal Warner, were presented at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium and broadcast on CBS. The awards covered 38 film, television and music categories, including a number of new ones.

The nominations were determined by editors at Entertainment Weekly, the People’s Choice production team and a panel of pop culture fans. Winners were determined by Internet voting.

The complete list of winners, with my comments:

– Motion picture: “Fahrenheit 9/11”
DH: Bull friggin shit. The liberals are still that bitter about the election that they have to rig a friggin’ People’s Choice award? C’mon, anyone who has seen FahrenHYPE 9/11 knows about Moore’s lies.

– Drama motion picture: “The Passion of the Christ”
DH: Who knew good ol’ JC would hit Hollywood. Or is it HOLYwood now. Sorry that was bad.

– Comedy motion picture: “Shrek 2”
DH: I agree

– Animated motion picture: “Shrek 2”
DH: See above

– Favorite sequel: “Shrek 2”
DH: NOPE…Ocean’s 12. For Christ’s sake, haven’t they seen anything else?

– Animated movie star: Donkey in “Shrek 2” (voiced by Eddie Murphy)
DH: Umm..who came up with the lame category? Has Matt Michael gotten his hands on some shit again?

– Movie villain: The Fairy Godmother in “Shrek 2” (voiced by Jennifer Saunders)
DH: You’re f*cking kidding me right? I can’t think of many villans off the top of my head, but I would’ve taken Ben Stiller in Dodgeball over the Fairy Godmother. And I hated Dodgeball. I think these people who voted were tied to an electric chair with people screaming “Fucking vote for Shrek 2!” over and over.

– Favorite on-screen chemistry: Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler in “50 First Dates”
DH: I would’ve went with Kane and Lita

– Female movie star: Julia Roberts
DH: I like Julia, but I would’ve rather seen Elisha Cuthbert in this position. And many others for that matter.

– Male movie star: Johnny Depp
DH: Bugger off! Clooney, Matt Damon, Jesus himself! Johnny Depp is like William Regal without the talent.

– Female action movie star: Angelina Jolie
DH: Hell yea! Brad Pitt had the right idea tapping this ass. His marriage is dead but he still had the right idea.

– Male action movie star: Will Smith
DH: Bullshit. Matt Damon, Bourne Supremacy, end of story.

– Leading lady: Renee Zellweger
DH: Something makes me want to smack her. I enjoy her performances, but I want to smack her. BLATT! GET THE TABLES!

– Leading man: Brad Pitt
DH: Agreed. On top of agreeing, I feel bad for him because all he wants is to have a child. At 41, it’s getting increasingly harder to have one and his marriage faltered due to career over baby for Jennifer. That sucks.

– Funny female star: Ellen DeGeneres
DH: NO! Jesus F’n Christ! Sarah Silverman!

-Funny male star: Jim Carrey
DH: NO! Jesus F’n Christ! Dane Cook!

– Television drama series: “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”
DH: To hell with the CSI bandwagon, 24 is the best series on television. End of story.

– Television comedy series: “Will & Grace”
DH: No f’n way. Smackdown is so bad it’s funny.

– New television comedy series: “Joey”
DH: I plead the fifth. No clue.

– New television drama series: “Desperate Housewives”
DH: See above.

– Female television star: Marg Helgenberger
DH: Who? Well whoever she is she can bugger off. Reiko Aylesworth still rules.

– Male television star: Matt LeBlanc
DH: Nope. Scott Peterson. Just something about his presence. It made everything so…cold.

– Late night talk show host: David Letterman
DH: Nope. Colin Quinn when Tough Crowd was stil on.

– Daytime talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres
DH: I have a job. Get off the damn couch with your ho ho’s and ding dong’s and get to work!

– Reality show – competition: “American Idol”
DH: I will say this once; FUCK REALITY TV

– Reality show – makeover: “Extreme Makeover Home Edition”
DH; Shit they made me say it twice…FUCK REALITY TV

– Reality show – 24/7: “Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica”
DH: Son of a…FUCK REALITY TV

– Crest fans favorite smile: Julia Roberts
DH: I much prefer Jenna Jameson’s

– Pantene fans favorite hair: Jennifer Garner
DH; Nope. Triple H.

– Cover Girl fans favorite look: Kate Hudson
DH: No way. She is a dirty runt hippy. Favorite look? I don’t know, maybe Catherine Zeta-Jones or Angelina Jolie.

– Favorite group: U2
DH: I’m sick of them. Either Linkin Park or Evanescence.

– Female singer: Alicia Keys
DH: WRONG. Amy Lee, no questions.

– Male singer: Usher
DH: Sure I guess. He shows a lot of fire and pizzaz.

– Favorite remake: “The First Cut is the Deepest” by Sheryl Crow
DH: Hate Sheryl Crow, wish I knew another remake.

– Favorite combined forces: “Yeah” by Usher/Lil Jon/Ludacris
DH: I guess the voting came early, because the combination of Linkin Park and Jay Z would take this.

– Country group: Brooks & Dunn
DH: Plead the fifth.

– Country female singer: Shania Twain
DH: Nah, tired of her. Faith Hill or Martina McBride (I’m partial to those with Mc or O’ in their last name).

– Country male singer: Tim McGraw
DH: Agreed.


Plugging It In

Blatt finishes his year Raw review off, and I tip my hat to him for doing a ton of work.

Tsunami Pictures. These are the before and after shots. Unreal.

-Anybody on the east coast should check this out. A Tsunami hitting the United States is not out of the realm of possibilities.

-Seriously, go visit Victoria.She is so gutsy with her knee, so talented (who doesn’t love the Widow’s Peak?) and unfortunately, she is so misused.

-And finally, click on sleeping Amy Lee and wake up with my blog:

I pretty much update it every day now that I’ve gotten the chance to take hold of it, so check it out. If you don’t want to go searching for my profile to get to it, there are links on the left side of the main InsidePulse.com page, near the middle or bottom of the page.

I’m done, have a good week and check out the blog!

-Hevia

Join our newsletter

never miss the latest news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary for Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games!