The Midnight News 01.10.05

I just hope you found another rat to play with. Or is that “I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life” crap for real?

Until next time fairy.

J.D.

It’s real… only more or less assumed… I dunno, circumstances change from month to month with me.

I believe I warned you people about calling me “fairy”.

hey, get the f*ck off the net, you talent dick stain

Kenny

MAKE ME!!

hey shit for brains, get off the f*cking net, sperm lick!

Kenny

You again? I SAID MAKE ME!!!

I swear, this guy wrote me twice with two variations of the same theme.

Ok, off the top of my head, I can come up with Bret Hart, Steve Austin, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho, Kevin Nash, JBL, Rock, Goldberg, Terry Funk, and Jerry Lawler (I’ll stop there) as guys who can do mainstream interviews and not come off like the public’s perception of a pro wrestler. I see the point you’re making with the “HHH is better than you” angle, but you’re off target this week. And since I don’t speak Spanish or Japanese, I suspect the list is
quite lengthy, no?

Matthew Woelfle

Hart sounds like a Canadian wrestler, Austin sounds like his character, Flair is never asked to do mainstream interviews and has been a wrestler for so long, I doubt he could speak on any other topic, Hogan? Are you shitting me? You have a point with Foley and Jericho and Nash. JBL can talk money, yes. Rock… yeah, Rocky is awesome in any interview environment, Goldberg? ARE YOU SHITTING ME???, Funk is like Flair, and Lawler is a mute if the topic ain’t either wrestling or Andy Kaufman. Who cares about the Spanish or the Japs? So, you’re half right and I’m mostly right.

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LLOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL OL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOLOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL L LLOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL OL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOLLOLOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL L LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL FUCKIN’ LOL.

destroy me now, fairy.

Chad Covil

Done. I just called Flea. It’s over. I hope you dry cleaned your burial suit, dead-man.

Hey FAIRIES! THAT’S RIGHT, YOU’RE THE FAIRIES!!!. And I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… off we go…

BUT, PLUGS

Hey look, Flea produced a column!. In it he talks about his Guardian Angel, he previews New Year’s Revolution, and he talks about waiting for the liquor stores to open… hit control F and see how he gets my name in there without using my name. Flea’s up to something and if you don’t read it, he’ll squawk at me for not plugging it with the proper respect. Well, he’ll squawk anyway.

AND…. oh man, someone sent me a $50 gift certificate for Amazon… I don’t know who, it ust said “from a reader”, but thank you very much. I don’t get much out of this, the biggest gift being a DVD Player from Widro and the ego-stroke knowing that this column has a lot of female readers, all of whom would consider banging me… so gifts like these really rock my house. Muchos gracias, amigo. I’ll reveal what I bought some other time.

YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTIOOOOON WEEELL YOU KNOOOOW, IT’LL COST YOU $35 BUCKS…

With the Rumble a few weeks away, I thought it best to save my $$ and avoid this. Then I remembered that I have a RESPONSIBILITY to watch it and properly recap it.

So I’m meeting you half-way. I watched it but you can blow me on anything resembling a proper recap. Instead, I shall report on what happened and make intelligent observations and ask relevent questions! It’s SERIOUS Hyatte on the case!!! You lucky freaks!

1) Regal and Eugene retained the tag titles against Christian and Tyson Tomkyo!

-I call for a Christian IC title run. He’s over, his gimmick is strong, and he’s skilled.

-I also like Tomkyo, although I’m still scarred from that whole nightmare match with Stevie Richards a while ago.

-Eugene may or may not have injured his knee in this match.

-Regal is still the most boring worker alive.

2) Trish Stratus regained the Woman’s title from Lita in under 4 minutes.

-The story here is that Lita f*cked up her knee after a ring apron Lou Thesz Press.

-But the REAL story is that it looks like Stratus was supposed to win anyway, just in a longer match.

-I don’t get it. They spent months… MONTHS building up Lita’s revenge win over Trish and her title run… all that work that went into building for her run. Months of Trish taunting the girl and belittling her. Then, barely two months later, she drops it back to Stratus and her revenge is for nothing… a blip.

-On the other hand, Trish is EASILY coming off the best year of her career. She’s hot, both professionally and physically, she’s SICK over, and she’s a good worker. Sure, she has problems cutting a TRUE heel promo, and her damn Canadian accent is ALWAYS slipping out, but she’s money, people love her, and she’s up for contract renewal. Plus I hear she has a new boyfriend in real life (no Hyatte perverted loser joke here…) Girl is on a roll. I wouldn’t be surprise if they move her up the food chain and toss her in with the guys now.

3) Shelton Benjamin retained the IC title over Maven in a squash.

-Maven spent most of the alloted time trying real hard to get heel heat.

-Benjamin came out and pinned him… TWICE in rapid time.

-I don’t like Maven, unless they are pushing him as the arrogant heel who ain’t shit but thinks he is, then he’s good at the role, but to me he’s been with the company for… three years now and hasn’t improved a lick. Not a single bit. Maven sucks.

4) Mohammed Hassan beat Jerry “The King” Lawler but not without sneaky tactics.

-Damn rag heads, always up to no good. First the plane into the builsings and now using the tights to pin Lawler.

-I blame Lawler, whatever pull he has with Vince, he uses it to always make himself look strong whenever he wrestles. Remember when he single-handidly destroyed Taz’s push by refusing to pout him over a few years ago?

-If Russo was still writing for this company, I GUARANTEE that he would do a storyline where Hassan and his manager were seen walking into the backstage with a briefcase handcuffed to one of the manager’s wrist. Everyone would freak about it being a bomb until SOME face, probably Randy Orton, would wrestle Hassan in a “Winner Gets the Briefcase” match and would WIN and Ross would scream that Orton saved us ALL. Then Orton would open the case and gas would come out and he would be rendered unconscious (anthrax, yo) and be out for weeks and Hassan would be the baddest heel of them all. The mainstream would have a cow and Vince would issue a statement saying, essentially, “It’s just rasslin’, it’s how we get our heels over! Get it!”

-Ross scared off the manager with his fist. This is the WWE’s way of saying that Osama Bin Ladin could NEVER no-sell a stiff fistdrop!

-It’s reasons like this as to why I only watch Raw to jack off to Stratus, then I’m fast forwarding, baby!

5) Kane defeated Snitsky

-Bad match. The build-up promised so much more. We should have gotten Kane at his most evil, his SICKEST… the Snitsky dude killed his CHILD and TORTURED Lita for weeks. All the pay-off was was a dumb brawl. I hope they are saving this grudge match, the really insane nasty stuff, for a bigger venue… like maybe the Rumble.

-Man, Snitsky cooled right off…. but DAMN does he look like a Mongoloid!

6) There was a game of chicken in the swimming pool. Christie Hemme won. I’m still wondering if Christie is going bald… that’s an awfully major forehead she has going.

7) Triple H won the Elimination Chamber Match.

-All the usual suspects went out in expected order… Edge jacked with HBK before getting pinned by Jericho, Batista pinned Jericho then Benoit. Batista was the monster until Orton RKO’ed him. Flair made a quick appearence, was tossed, Batista kept the eventual turn on HHH a mystery as he clotheslined Orton and set-up HHH for the win.

-Everyone’s screaming about Batista… isn’t he the type of monster that Vince would’ve set up for Hogan 12 years ago? Isn’t that the type of monster the net smarts are supposed to HATE????

-I think Batista’s net love is more of a reaction to the disdain the IWC has to Orton’s push. The WWE very badly wants Orton to be the next Rock and it just isn’t happening. Hunter isn’t the next movie star and Orton isn’t the next “Great One”. So here comes Batista, out of almost nowhere, jap smacking the hell out of everyone and, just to f*ck with Vince, the Net is close to DEMANDING that he get the annointment.

-Again, thank Jericho for this. It’s Jericho who pretended to be dead after every Batista clothesline. No one else did it. If it weren’t for Jericho, Batista would be about as over as Luthor.

-The PPV ended about 25 minutes earlier… probably thanks to Lita’s knee blow out

So, in essense, this PPV did nothing much other than bringing the status of Raw back to November. It’s okay, tho’ (unless you paid for it and was expecting an epic)… the Rumble is a few weeks away, then the Smackdown PPV, then Wrestlemania, then Vince hits the rest button and the year-storylines are put into play.

Basically, we wasted our money on this. Nice!

AN ABYSSMAL BUSINESS PLAN

Dear TNA, ROH, and anyone else currently working regularly in a non-WWE company,

Look, I know you’re probably not reading this but I’m gonna pass this bit of Guide to Life along anyway…

You’re a wrestler, therefore you’re probably a moron.

Don’t take offense. It’s just a fact. While everyone else was busy getting educated, you were working your body, lifting your weights, and getting all buffed and ready to be a big time professional rassler. Getting in serious shape is a full time job. Things like getting smart must be sacrificed.

That said, please drop the dumbell and pay attention to the following:

You do NOT leave a paying gig on the OFF-CHANCE that the WWE MIGHT hire you. You do NOT wait until your contract is dead and buried BEFORE reaching out to Stamford and telling them that you are available… ESPECIALLY when Stamford has NEVER even HINTED that they like you or might be interested.

No, what you do is QUIETLY… DISCREETLY, contact someone in the WWE and let them know that you will be available to talk a FEW MONTHS before your contract expires. Not AFTER your contract runs out… BEFORE.

THIS way, if they show interest, you can slip into the backstage of a WWE tv show and introduce yourself to Johnny Ace… shake his hand, let him know that you really want to talk turkey and that you are very excited at the opportunity that the WWE can provide. If Mewltzer catches wind, just say you were visting friends backstage.

You do NOT tell your current employer to go f*ck themselves WITHOUT knowing that the WWE is ready to sign you and give you a shot!

And you ESPECIALLY, you ESPECIALLY do NOT FUCKING TURN DOWN A NEW CONTRACT FROM YOU CURRENT EMPLOYER AFTER THE WWE MAKES NO ATTEMPTS TO CONTACT YOU!!!

This Abyss dude… he’s okay. Nothing great. He’s a talented big man, but so was the guy who played “Mordecai”… and look at what happened to him!

Look, Brock Lesnar did the same thing in reverse… and now Vince is making him sweat for a while, then he’ll let him in and he’ll be laying down for Triple H by SummerSlam… Abyss isn’t Lesnar… not by half.

Moral of the story… TNA AIN’T MUCH!! TNA IS RUN BY A BUNCH OF YOKELS!! TNA HAS ABOUT AS MUCH A CHANCE AT LASTING THAN MATRATS!! But at least TNA paid cash… and they used Strippers who didn’t mind putting out. You don’t need me to remind you at just how hard it is getting a steady paycheck in this business…. especially when the business is losing fans left and right.

Smarten up, people. Do NOT LEAVE ONE JOB FOR ONE THAT MIGHT NOT EXIST!!! UGGGGH, YOU IMBECILES!!

And when you see Abyss working at some titty bar… I suggest you NOT cop a feel during your lapdance… cuz the bouncer is going to be in one FOUL mood.

Use your heads.

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

18 acres? A DAY?? No wonder we’re all fat f*cks.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Top five movies of the week, daddio!!

1) Meet The Fockers: $28.4 million ($204.2 million total) Why is this move so huge? Because of BEN STILLER?? Oh bull, bull, BULL! Because of BOBBY D?? Beleive me, the Dagos paid for this movie ONCE, then snuck in for free several times later. DUSTIN HOFFMAN?? I like the little Dust, but he can’t draw these numbers. No, this movie is huge because it brought in a crowd that the first one didn’t: GAYS

The rule is simple and pure fact: Hire Streisand and best load the concession up with KY… because your movie theater will suddenly get very fruity!

If Streisand’s in it, the queen will come… and them fudgepackers have MONEY!

And they smell good too…. Gays have SPECTACULAR taste in cologne!

2) White Noise: $24 million opening weekend. God Dammit…. Michael Keaton should work MORE! I missed that skinny little man! Good for him! He needed a hit movie about as much as you kids need a blowjob.

3) The Aviator: $7.6 million ($42.9 million total) First of all, Leo DiCaprio is the walking epitome of confidence. Very few actors who have a SERIOUS case of baby-face like he does can pull off the sort of roles this guy does. He does it through sheer will… more than talent, WILL! Second of all, isn’t it High f*cking time Marty Scorcese gets his Italian ass back to doing movies where Joe Pesci finds new, unique ways of killing people and Bobby D swears a lot? Isn’t it high time Marty makes a movie where guineas talk guinea to each other and dress up in cheesy suits? Come on, dammit! BRING ON THE SICILIAN BLOOD!!!

4) Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events: $7.4 million ($105.5 million total) The funniest thing about Jim Carrey is how scary he is. His comedy all comes from rage. Dark, inner, rage. I get the feeling that in real life he is so bitter and pissed that he’s almost evil. Oh no, this bitch is NOT Mr. Happy Go Lucky…. he’s got demons… right on his shoulders… screaming in his ear. You can tell.

5) Fat Albert: $4 million ($41.2 million total) I like Rudy. He dressed exactly like a pimp straight out of the 70’s… he DID!

The thing about fat Albert is that he wasn’t a parody. Black guys are really that fat! I’ve seen them! That’s the strange thing about black men, they can be either incredibly fat, or incredibly buffed out. Their bodies seem to be able to go to those sort of extremes…. must be that extra bone in their foot.

In other news… Well, let’s segment a couple of them… they are rather involved!

SHE’S A HAZARD TO HERSELF

If you know Pink’s AIM screen name, then you know she’s been online a lot over the last week. Why? Who knows? She doesn’t answer my IM’s…

and if she DID… I’d charm her just like I can charm ALL OF YOUR WOMEN!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No, really… I’m really good at charming women. Trust me, the Trish Stratus Imposter I talk to is a MAJOR hottie in her own right… and she LOVES me.

But, the question on the docket is Pink… pop singer… her last album failed… rumored to prefer the company of the black man… looks dykish without the makeup… may have shagged Tommy Lee.

The question is, on her profile, why, oh why, does Pink have a link to an amateuer nudie site? And COULD there be pictures of HER in various stages of amatuer nudiness floating around on this site?

Please, I’m talking to the losers out there…. join the site, look around, and let me know.

JET VS THE TSUNAMI

Yes, the Tsunami was horrible… HORRIBLE… I blame Bush.

And the IWC is currently ON THE CASE finding SOME WAY to blame Triple H for this nightmare. (Word has it, Scherer is damn close to finding a connection)

But rest assured, Vince McMahon is currently negotiating a very special Raw benefit show to raise spirits and raise funds for those devestated by the Tsunami! Tragedy = good PR… and if he can wring out a few shekels for his efforts, well why not?

And you know the WWE wrestlers LOOOOVE traveling overseas, especially when these trips ALWAYS take away precious time-off.! You DO realize that most of those soldiers they visited in Iraq had no earthly idea who these wrestlers are. NOT EVERYONE IS A FAN OF WRESTLING, YOU SHELTERED FEEBS!!!

Anyway, the funniest story to come out of this disaster was the news that Japanese (and American, yes) action hero JET LI was… at the place that was hit by the tsunami (I forget where, exactly… lot of vowels in the name)… and for a few days, he was missing!

But he;s alive, and his management released the good news! Jet Li is fine. Although he did injure his foot protecting his daughter from the tsunami!

Yes, ever the hero, Jet Li FACED DOWN THE TSUMANI WITH HIS DAUGHTER IN HAND AND HIS FOOT OUT! READY TO KICK MAJOR WAVEY ASS!

Locals report that Li was seen on the beach, daughter in his arms, screaming, “GE BAK, TIDO RAVE!!!! BANZAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!!!”

Damn rave didn’t sell… and didn’t even have the decency to wash the grease off Li’s face… he came out of it with a broken foot and twice as many zits as he had going in!

Damn you, tido rave! Damn you all to hell!!

I DON’T WANNA BE IN CHYNA

Someone was nice enough…. if that’s the proper word… to send me a link to about 20 minutes of the Joanie/Waltman love sammitch porno that I really think Joanie thinks will land her the starring role in Wonder Woman.

Rather than review the thing… humorous reviews are littered all over the place already, I thought I’d offer a few observations:

-X-Pac is about… I’d say 6 and a half inches.

-X-Pac curves to the right.

-They INVENTED the term “white trash” for guys like Sean Waltman.

-No matter how much hair he has on his head, Waltman STILL sounds dopey with the extra deep voice.

-Joanie…. umm… when he’s stroking her… the look on her face…. it’s…. umm…. well, let’s put it this way, it takes a lot to unnerve me and… well…. COLOR ME UNNERVED!! As my mother used to say: ICKY POO POO!!!

-Now I’ve seen a repectably fair share of vag up close and personal and… err… well, maybe it’s me… but I have NEVER had a vag which went through so many… umm…. lemme put it like this…. all the vag I’ve played with didn’t jump through the sort of hoops Joanie’s did before it was… um…. primed.

-What I’m trying to say is DAYAM… brotha has to put in the OT to get that thing opened up! First it opened then it swelled then something came out…. then, I think Waltman had to use rib spreaders to get that thing opened properly.

-Then there was Joanie’s alleged clit…. it’s a f*ckin’ penis… a small, cancerous, shriveled penis… no, it is… it’s hanging… it’s a cock. It looks like a cock, it bounced like a cock, it’s got the helmet… dammit, it’s a penis.

-No WONDER Waltman has drug problems.

-No WONDER he did most of his work from behind.

-Then Joanie dipped Waltman’s pee pee in some blood red liquid before she sipped it… I’m convinced it’s used tamponwater.

-Waltman DOES know how to go down on a gal, tho’. Man knows what he’s doing there.

-I… I have to give this porn a thumbs down. I’m sorry, Joanie fans (anyone out there? helloooooo). This is so…. scarring that it has turned me off to ALL WWE Divas! Who KNOWS what Stratus has going on down there? I can’t imagine anymore.

-God Bless HHH…. next time you dis Stephanie… please remember that odds are really, really good that Stephanie DOESN’T HAVE A PENIS FOR A CLIT!!!!!!!

-Or maybe I’ve just been with nothing but freaks and ALL normal chicks are like this.

Now, who better to follow up this segment than everybody’s favorite drunkard….

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON…

Tony Orlando and Dawn?

Ran into him at a party once. Asked him if he could sing “Knock Three Times” for us. He took a fork, held it to my throat and said, “I’m sick and f*cking tired of that f*cking song!” Then he went and sang it. I love that spic cocksucker.

Tony Orlando… jeeze, what year is it again?

Flea: Who recently discovered the joys of dog tranquilizers.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Pimplyass, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Fusion too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

While in Puerto Rico for the PPV, he took valuable time showing the locals how to properly pick lettuce

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED….

DOING LINES – CAUGHT ON TAPE

Okay, I got some stuff to work with now. Thanks to all who pitched in. Keep them coming. I still need submissions… but thanks to those who pitched in.

Nice mix of good stuff this week, and as a treat, we top it off with an ol’ fashion NASTY promo form one of the best promo-men EVER!!

01): Dude, we’re surrounded by perverts!

They’re all over the place!

What are we gonna do?

Well Cartman, you got everyone into this mess, you’re gonna have to figure out a way to get everyone out.

Yeah!

Uh… that’s fine. I know how to get us out.

How?

Well look, those perverts aren’t going to rest until they made love to one of us right? So… someone’s gonna have to… go out there… and take one for the team! And I think, in all fairness, it should be Butters.

Huh? Me? Why me?

Now are you a team player or not?

Well, sure I’m a team player… I guess.

Well Butters, there’s no “I” in “team”.

You really expect me to go out there and let those horny old men have their way with me fragile person? Just what kind of team is this anyway?

Just go, Butters. We’re running out of time.

Oh… all right then.

(Butters leaves)

Heh, he is such a dumbass.South Park

02): I’m going to punch you in the ovary, right in the babymaker.Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

03): All right, Plan B. Did you finish the note?

Yeah

Come on. “Mr. and Ms. Livingston, we have kidnapped your son. Pay $100,000 dollars or he dies. Signed, the Jews.” Are you kidding? Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind is going to believe this note? It’s the Jews, Morton! They’re gonna want more than $100,000! Think, man, think!Bubble Boy

4) How’d you find that out?

What do you think I am around here, a f*cking night watchman?

I get confused sometimes.

Well, don’t.The Firm

05): You scratched my car!

Where?

Right there!

OH… That was already there.

You – -LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?

What?

Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won’t show up and even if I got the judgment you’d just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

You’ve been here before haven’t ya?Liar, Liar

06): What are we really talking about here? Huh? What’s the ESSENCE? I’ll spell it out for ya if I have to. (writes on chalkboard) PROSTITUTION (underlines the word). Prostitution. Hey, we can say it. We’re big kids now, right? Y’know a lot of times it will help you to understand a word if you break it down, so let’s do that now, shall we? PROS (scribbles it out) doesn’t mean anything, forget about that. TIT – I think we all know what that means. TU – Okay, two, tit. And TION – of course, from the Latin: To shun. Say no, uh-uh, thank you anyway, I don’t want it. To push away . . . (scribbles over it) doesn’t even belong in this word really so let’s get rid of that. Y’know . . .uh . . . if I could take a moment here . . . and I mean this, what I’m about to say. I feel a lot of love in this room. I don’t know, maybe it’s me, but it was here a minute ago, and uh . . . it was really beautiful. So at this moment, I think it’s important that I see all of your breasts. (bottle crashes) Or I don’t have to, I don’t have to see the breasts.Night Shift

07): Now you listen here, you cornholin’ f*cker. You tell your queer-loving nigger bosses that they ain’t never gonna find those civil rightsers! So you might as well pack up and go back where you came from and…

(Anderson grabs his crotch hard, Bailey screams in pain)

Now you listen here, Shitkicker! Don’t you go confusin’ me with some whole other body. You must be thinkin’ with your dick if you think we’re gonna just walk away from this. We’re here ’till the end!Mississippi Burning

08): I think I was in love once.

Really? What was her name?

I don’t remember.

That’s not a good start, but keep going…

She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

I’m pretty sure that’s not love.

Damn it!Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

09): I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see, uh… low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, kabbalah and all kabbalah related products, high def tv, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the O.C., the UN, recycling, getting punk’d, getting canned, the Latin Grammies, the real Grammies, Jeff that wiggle who sleeps too darn much, the Yankees’ payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingeverythingeveryeverything that exists past, present and future, and all discovered and undiscovered inventions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.Scrubs

10): You know that girl we did last week? The one with the potatoes.

That girl? Yeah, that’s this guy’s girl.

Yeah.

Right… Was. Took care of that.

Well uh, I kind of fell in love with her that night.

What? You little f*ck!

What?

She was unconscious, man.

Well, she was beautiful and… I stole a pair of her panties as well.

Jesus!

What? It’s not like – I mean they were clean and all.

Don’t tell me this stuff! I don’t wanna hear this shit!Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

11): It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to f*ck a doorknob out there.Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

12): When you two pukes are done here, I want you to clean the head.

Sir, yes, Sir.

I want that head so sanitary and squared-away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump.Full Metal Jacket

13): If you betray us, I’ll rip your f*ckin’ balls off and stuff them up your ass. So the next time you shit, you’ll shit all over your balls!Team America:World Police

14): So, uh… how was your summer?

I got divorced.

Oh. My carpal tunnel came back.

I win.Mean Girls

15): And I understand you wanted to see snow on your wedding day?– Alex Trebek

Yes, but it didn’t snow. But that night I got eight inches.– Lady on Jeopardy

Well…. umm… good for her!

Can you imagine…. on live TV… in front of uptight ol’ CANADIAN Alex Trebek?? Hard-core, daddio

Let’s wrap up with a section that had it’s start at 1ryderfakin, then had a very brief run at that 411 Black disaster (well, it WAS, Widro!!), then came back to the Thursday column… which I have no plans on going back to (you’re lucky you get THIS, creepo), now is temporarily relugated to an occasional slot in this occasional weekly column. There are QUESTIONS in the air and only ONE MAN has the answers!! yes, yes, YES, kids…. it’s time for none other than…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

We got four BIG questions on tap this time out…. four questions ALL about the same thing… sex, girls, and why me! The biggest mystery on the planet TACKLED by one of the most brilliant minds in the IWC… read, you little freaks, read and LEARN…

My answers will be in bold

1) Hi Chris,

Like most of your questions mine is about a girl but first off some info about me: 27 decent looking with a good group of respectable intelligent friends. Downsides are that I still live with my parents and am in the same shitty min wage office job I started in after school. Not many of my friends realize this as I still have decent disposable income due to staying at home. Was a late starter when it came to girls and was only till about 23 that I started doing well ie lots of casual sex but nothing lasting. My first serious relationship ended last year after 9 months. I sort of knew she wasn’t for me but it was almost like I needed the experience.

After that I was pretty down and had put on about 14lbs which wasn’t helping me on the social scene so I hit the gym really hard and got my old swagger back. Although I may be in a shitty job I’m not a retard – a lot of people can’t understand why I still do the crap job and move on but I seem to keep putting things off.

Anyway I had come to the realization that I need to sort myself out ie new job/move out think about pension etc and that I couldn’t expect to meet a decent girl in my current situation. Most of the women that I go for and get are either professional or degree educated. Almost as soon as I realized this a new girl started at my work and it was love at first sight.She’s 23 in a great job and is gorgeous more than that the connection between us is icreadable. Its an intangable feeling i get when ever i look into her eyes. I flirted with her for 2 weeks by email and eventually just went for it one night after work and kissed her – turns out she was just as into me as I was to her.

For the next 2 months we spent almost every day/night together and the days we didn’t she would be on the phone constantly. At! first she scared me a bit with her intensity and what seemed like a constant need for my presence. At this point it’s worth mentioning she has recently come out a relationship with a guy 20 years her senior and is suffering from depression. I am the only person who knows this at work and very few of her friends know either.

Anyway over the 2 months things began to change. I could feel myself getting under her skin round her flat and she was stressing out about work/friends wedding/organizing a party etc and getting the episodes of depression. What didn’t help was that I was pretty skint at that time and we weren’t doing any dates just sitting in the flat adding to that our relationship is a secret to workmates. What seemed like my natural personality began to get diluted and I became complacent around her. We were still having sex though I seemed to be initiating things more often than not.

Things came to a head when she went to her friends wedding came back and said that she needed time apart from me. Her reasons were that she realized that she wasn’t over the ex(now with another woman) and that she felt I was more of a friend to her than anything. She also didn’t think she could see us lasting for ever and couldn’t afford to be hurt again. At first I found that hard to deal with and stopped talking to her completely – after a dew days though we got talking and have remained in contact. Since then I have had a lot of time to think about things and have started living my life again – I’m back at the gym and am doing a lot to get me out my current work situation. Looking back I realize what happened was too much too soon and I think she got scared. The thing is I’m still totally wrapped up in her and want her back. I can tell by the way she looks at me that she still occasionally has the same feelings I do. I spoke to her yesterday and told her why I thought things had happened the way they did, ie: not enough time spent dating and doing the things normal couples do. It was effectively too much too soon. I’ve said that I want to go back to flirting with her and take her on a few dates under no pressure or commitment and if either of us feels things aren’t going to change we can just walk.

She wants to think about it but in the meantime I can flirt with her. I don’t think she’s doing this as a gentle let me down as she’s too honest a person. Looking at my situation what advice can you give – for me walking just isn’t an option as I’ve never felt like this before and right now don’t feel like I could with anyone else. For all the negatives I’ve mentioned there were some amazing moments of tenderness and love between us even up till the last week we shared and like I said earlier since then I have seen the way she has looked at me. I know we can’t go back to what we were as it wasn’t healthy or product! ive but I still want a future with her. Any ideas???

Another question I’ve wanted to ask is if you get your answers from reading between the lines or just by looking at the facts presented. Perhaps you do a bit of both??

Patrick

Oh how nice of her to ALLOW you to continue to feed her ego by letting you flirt with her. How generous.

How’s about this, don’t flirt with her. Because it sounds to me like she used you to get over her feelings of rejection from the previous relationship, and once you properly massaged her esteem, she had no further use for you and kicked your ass to the curb.

Plus you turned out to be rather boring for her. Once the smoke clears and the whole “getting to know you” stuff is done with, you’re left with two people who know the true essense of each other. If they still like each other after that, then it’s something.

She saw the real you and decided that you weren’t all that great, sport. Sorry.

Don’t take it too personal. It happens all the time. Sex is sex but after months of serious f*cking, eventually two people have to talk and NOT have sex and figure out if they can stand each other. That’s why everyone’s divorcing these days. They get sick of f*cking each other and then realize that they can’t function without the comfort of regular sex.

I think this is a dead relationship and she’s just keeping you around (but at bay) to make her feel like a beautiful woman. To make her feel adored. If you want to be her ego-masseuse, then stick around, but keep an eye out for the next “most amazing chippie you’ve ever seen”. She’ll turn up.

Now this next guy has a problem that is MUCH like a tapeworm! No, really!

2) I’ve got a problem that’s eating me inside, I need some advice, and I know you’ll give it to me straight.

I’m 21. I’ve been told by female friends that I’m a good-looking guy, for what it’s worth. For reasons I’ll go into in a second, I’ve never had a serious girlfriend. I started a new job a couple of months ago. Since then, I’ve started having strong feelings for a girl I work with. I’ve always tried to avoid having feelings like this for co-workers, and it’s never actually happened before. I’ve had a few crushes on girls, sure…and once or twice, had feelings for a girl. The thing is, it’s hard for me to have feelings for anyone. There have been quite a few times in the past few years where a girl made overtures at me and I wasn’t interested at all, so I didn’t respond. Maybe I’m not a normal guy in that respect, I don’t know. This has led to me never having a serious girlfriend, because I just never meet any girls that interest me. So the extremely rare times that it happens, I take notice.

This girl I work with, though…making things worse than the fact that I work with her is the fact that she’s moving in a few months. The thing is, I’m also moving, a few months after she is, and I won’t be too far from where she is regardless. We’ve both been planning this for some time. So it’s not like we’d never be able to see each other again. I don’t know if she realizes this, though. I think she wants to keep people here at arm’s length, and I’m one of them. I probably would feel the same way if I were her. However, this girl is incredible. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and maybe most importantly, she has high standards for everything. At first, I treated her like everyone else at work…one day, though, about a month after I met her, I saw her talking to someone at a fair, and something clicked for me. She looked so beautiful standing there…something just clicked. Since then, I’ve seen her in a different light. Tried to find out more about her. Over time, I think I’ve fallen in love, Hyatte. It’s probably a first for me and my cold, black heart. I started talking to her a lot…mainly outside of work…I’d call her a lot, and ask her to go to things with me. She’d usually say yes. She never gave me any real indications that she was interested in a relationship, but I gave her plenty of indications (probably a mistake, eh)

Well, for a couple of weeks, we spent a good amount of time together. Then, she started distancing herself. I think…no, I’m sure… I was coming on too strong. We haven’t really spent any time together in weeks since it started happening. Yesterday I talked to her on the phone and she basically told me I call her all the time, and it weirds her out. Even though I hadn’t called her in about a week, I called her a couple of times yesterday and that was somehow “all the time”. And she said that it takes her a long time to make friends. She was nice about it, but she’s nice about everything. I didn’t like the way she exxagerated about the calling. I think she was probably trying to tell me that she doesn’t feel anything for me at all, and to keep our talking inside work. I’m trying not to let it get to me…but I’m serious when I say that this girl is everything I could ever want…and at this point, I feel like she doesn’t know me well at all. If she did, things would probably be different. But she definitely doesn’t know me very well. I thought she did. I felt like we could have had something, but at this point…if that’s not possible I don’t want to lose her as a friend…if she even thinks of me as that much. She really is incredible. I don’t want to risk losing her by just coming out and telling her how I feel about her. At this point I feel like I’d be hard-pressed just to keep her as a friend, though. I need to sit down with her soon and talk the situation over…but what should I say? Should I just come out and tell her how I feel about her, and risk feeling like a tool and/or losing her completely?

Hope that didn’t get too long-winded…thanks Hyatte.

Toolboy

I just made up that name.

I figure that by now this has all blown over, but the hell with it. I’m gonna answer anyway.

My friend… when a girl applies the word “weird” to you and NOT in a fun way, you’re pretty much dead to her as a potential anything. When a girl calls you weird, or accuses you of “weirding her out”, you’re done. No chance, not even a ghost of a chance. It’s over. Over before it began.

She’s been TRYING to tell you…. she’s been TRYING to let you down gently. See, people, especially woman, HATE being brutally honest and up front. They SAY it’s because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, but in reality, it’s because they don’t need the drama. People HATE drama. Drama belongs on TV and nowhere else.

And you DID call her too much. How many times did she call you during those daily conversations? Always go for the classic “your turn” approach when it comes to making phone calls with someone new. First you call, then she calls, then you, then she. If it goes weeks before she calls you, then it’s not a good idea to call her the day after she calls you. You came off as desperate.

You learned that you have love in your heart! Congrats. Give it to someone who wants it. This girl just doesn’t. Sorry. Go away. Leave her be.

This next guy BEGGED me for an answer as soon as humanly possible…

I got the letter in October.

Whoops.

3) Hyatte,

Just another hapless soul here hoping for some advice.Hopefully this will be juicy enough for you to print real soon, as this is kind of time sensitive.

I’m the guy that was seeing my boss (the one with 3 kids) and had his best friend screwing around with my ex-almost-fiancee. Now I have an interesting new
problem.

At a Halloween party, I saw a girl I went to elementary school who I was really close with. After that time, I never saw her again or heard about her. We don’t live in a big city, so I figured she moved away. We were both surprised to see each other and talked for about an hour at a busy party. She said we’d have to get together soon and mentioned she was married which I was fine with. I wasn’t looking for anything like that from her. The next night she calls, which caught me off guard. We agreed to hang out the next night and we stayed up all night at in an empty house just talking and having a great time. She mentioned her husband is in the military and not coming back soon, but I didn’t dwell on it. The next day was different, as we fell asleep together. She woke up and said she really wanted to kiss me and from there it has been sex every night. Crazy sex. Five times a night, her living out every fantasy she has on me, and anything I ever wanted to do to a girl. She said she had never had ‘good sex’ before, her husband and everyone else were pretty much terrible. Everything is new and exciting but I know it is not right. She still loves her husband and I think she is making a big mistake her family will hate her for this (although her friends are either indifferent or somewhat encouraging of this, all willing to turn a blind eye) and I have to keep it a secret from my friends. Its like adultery and treason rolled up in to one thing. On top of that, I just want a normal relationship (after years of abnormal shittiness) and feel hypocritical shutting out my ex-best friend and ex-girlfriend for getting together when my moral compass seems to be in between my legs.

Her husband will be back (most likely in January) which makes me want to get out soon, because I just might fall for her. I tried to bring this up to her, and just the whole fact that I wasn’t comfortable doing this anymore and she basically refused. Her reasoning is she has to live day by day and can’t think of the consequences of what ‘could’ happen, even though I see it as what will happen (her husband coming back, people finding out about this). She said I was worth fighting for, she cares to much, and she is not letting me go.

Also, she hasn’t been in many relationships and her husband was the first ‘good’ one. She was also his first girlfriend and they’ve been seeing each other through high school. The marriage may have just been for the sake of convinence, in my opinion. Also, she has issues with her Dad, her Dad also hates him and I think she’s regretting getting married so young (20). They’ve been married about a year and a half and this is the first time she’s been away from him (he’s been gone about a month). I also asked her how much of the appeal of this was because its “wrong” and she said about half and says that the attraction is not purely sexual.

Honestly, all I want is a normal relationship and while this is satisfying on a lot of other levels, this isn’t what I need. Hope this will give you enough background, but if not, let me know. I’m really stuck and can’t ask my friends for advice because some of them know her husband or would kill me for being with a married girl, especially one whose guy is in the military (I’m also friends with lots of marines, which makes me feel worse).

And she says she loves me.

What in the hell should I do? And could my love life get any more bizzarre?

Thanks in advance.
-Scott

This might take care of itself once the Marine husband gets home. How much time do you think she’ll have for you once he’s there?

Plus, she might just have missed the big lug and wanted some sex.

Nice thing about being the “other man” is that you don’t have to give a shit about her issues. Her dad hates her husband… her dad thinks she got married too early… who cares? This isn’t your problem.

The military guy, when he gets home, will be in the best shape of his life, which is probably a much better shape than you. He’ll be randy, horny, energetic, and disciplined. He’ll make her groan many a times over the course of many a nights. If she still wants a little Scotty on the side, might as well have at it… for as long as you can take it.

But I have a funny feeling this is going to settle down all on its own with very little assistance from you. Yeah, in this situation, I’d take the old “Wait and See” approach.

4) Hyatte, Can long distance relationships work? I had a fairly serious one and it ended badly. There’s another girl who I’m somewhat close to who lives a few hundred miles away, and even though I like her, I don’t want to f*ck myself over with another long distance relationship.

-Andrew

Any relationship can work if you both work hard at it. That’s the key, you both have to work very hard at it.

Here’s the thing with long distance relationships: it’s more intimate than face to face relationships.

No, really. Think about it. Because the only way you get to be with her is over the phone. Sex is taken out of the equation. The only thing you can do with her is get to know her more and more. Since it’s not all about getting her to open her legs, you actually get her to open her mouth. Hell, even if her voice is annoying, who cares, you’re online!

The bad news: Eventually, she’ll f*ck someone who lives within city limits. You’ll always have a special place in her heart but someone else will be poking that real estate. And she might grow to LIKE it. Then you’re f*cked.

So, in summary, any sort of relationship can work and any sort of relationship can turn sour. Its called life. Welcome to it, sporto.

Yup, I stand by that. Nevermind the naysayers… long distance relationships CAN and DO work… sometimes.

Of course, he or she can also be CHEATING on you with OTHER online and or phone “friends”…

But really, it’s no different from having a relationship with someone who lives 5 minutes away… well, except for sex.

Bottom line… LDR’s can work… and if it’s real and you’re both up front…. eventually one of you will move closer to the other one, and then your chances at success skyrocket… because you now get to have sex with someone you fell for on his/her personality! That’s the upper-hand. That’s the ace in the hole.

And sometimes, it can be beautiful

Oh dear god, I’m so done it’s not even funny. Next week, the triumphant return of READING MATERIAL!! And I’ll have other things going. I’ll fill up precious space. I always do. Won’t necessarily be GOOD…. but it’ll be there… oh yes, it’ll be there.

Piss off

This is Hyatte