Welcome to the next installment of the Monday Night Rabble. First off let me welcome Eric G., Jenna, Erik H., Angela, and Danielle. That’s right.. 50/50 boys and girls. Now Angela doesn’t know much about wrestling so she isn’t big on the snarky comments. As you will see though, we really weren’t either tonight. After a PPV that didn’t do much for the world of wrestling, and a lackluster show on the horizon – we were more interested in telling Angela stories about the Montreal Screwjob, and explaining what the hell Simon Dean is doing.
So, without further adieu, it’s time for the weekly picture of my friends enjoying the show:
Onto the Rabble.
So to start the show, guess who comes out. Trips and Ric Flair. Oh, and for those who didn’t see New Year’s Revolution.. who won the Elimination Chamber has officially been ruined for you. Triple H is the champion… again. His forehead is bandaged from the pint of blood he gushed around the ring last night.
He starts off by asking the fans how he won it, “Was it politics? Was it favoritism? What?” Which I must say is a great little jab at the internet fans. Trips is great, blah blah blah.
Hey, he gave Flair the mic “Triple H beat the man, so he is the man, and a man’s a man as long as men man man…” Even Flair is off tonight. Back to Triple H where he degrades the fans for that special kind of cheap heel heat. “He is the destroyer. He is the beast”
“Maximillion Moon!” – Erik H on who’s comin out.
Oh, nope. Batista! Dave looks dapper in his suit. Like, seriously good. If I was a man, I would do things to Dave that a mink breeder wouldn’t approve of. Anyway, Batista hugs his boys and is immediately interrupted by Orton.
Now Orton is calling out Trips on not helping Batista. Triple H chooses that he doesn’t need to see this spot… but Dave seems to want to see it. The 3 seconds that is going to be shown from now until Wrestlemania is thusly shown to us. Dave peels off his sunglasses and he is not a happy camper. Hunter backpeddles as best as he can, and Dave just doesn’t look like he’s buying it. Trips brushes it off and the rift between continues to grow without an explosion happening, Orton though demands a rematch.
Here comes Bischoff! He agrees that Orton deserves that rematch. He also thinks that Batista deserves a title shot. So to make this easy, tonight – Orton vs. Batista – #1 Contender spot.
We come back and it’s the fond voice of Shane announcing that for the first time Raw and Smackdown are going to be heading off to Japan.
“They are going to wonder where the barbed wire is” – Danielle on Japanese knowledge.
And now tonight we get a rematch from last night which is also a qualifying for the Royal Rumble.
MAVEN vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Royal Rumble Qualifier
Maven comes in and blows in the ring and just charges the hell out of Benjamin. Lifts him onto the turnbuckle and low blows him big! He puts Benjamin into a chinlock and goes for an elbow for a miss. They exchange fists and Benjamin starts coming back on top. He catches him with the “Stinger Splash” – the spinning heel – and the win! Maven is officially in theh ranks of Al Snow and Val Venus as ‘official Raw loser’.
Also announced today, a Christie/Maria Lingerie Pillow Fight as well as the #1 Contender’s match. Not looking to be an amazing show.
Our Raw Rewind is from last night’s show with Hassan taking down Lawler.
Oh! And here comes the only wrestler on the roster I really despise… from Detroit, Michigan – Ahmed Hassan. I would like to thank JR for proclaiming that they don’t represent Arab Americans, they have their own agenda… I hate this gimmick. Alot. I hate the commentary on this gimmick. I find it distasteful.
Hassan grabs the mic and babbles on his little rhetoric and gets interrupted by the Hurricane, another one of those aforementioned ‘Raw Losers’.
HASSAN vs. HURRICANE
Reverse elbow to Hassan, and Hurricane goes against the ropes and gets his leg caught up by Hassan’s ringmate (who I still don’t remember his damned name) and gets a huge clothesline when he turns around. Hassan grabs Hurricane in one of the official ‘moves of the middle east’ with the Cobra Clutch. Hurricane gets out of it and drops Hassan, catches him with the shining wizard, but as he is lifting up Hassan he gets tossed into the ropes. Hassan catches him in his finisher and wins it. I will say that Hassan’s moveset seems solid, it’s just his gimmick I despise. I’ll stop saying that now.
Our Wrestlemania Rewind: 1998 – Pete Rose getting hurt by Kane. Ah, memories.
Now you folks might be asking.. where is all the witty commentary. I will admit, it’s a bit lacking so far as the show has been so lackluster. I apologize and will try to be snarkier throughout t he rest of the show.
We return from the break having Dave sitting there in deep thought. Trips comes in and he’s throwing his support behind him. He is saying not only does he support Batista in his match tonight – Dave deserves it.
Oh, and Edge is here.
And “YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!” heeeeere’s Edge!
“Why was he walking around backstage and they did nothing back there?” – Eric G
“He was looking for a bathroom” – Erik H on Edge’s intestine.
That might be true as Edge is holding his ribs, apparently selling last night’s match. Here comes Rhyno and we have another qualifying match.
EDGE vs. RHYNO
Bell rings and the ECW chant starts already. Edge starts pounding on Rhyno, but he gets powered into the corner and Rhyno starts punching him in the corner. Throws him into the corner and hits Edge with the back body drop. Edge falls to the outside ring apron and as Rhyno goes to charge him gets punched in response. Edge takes advantage, wrapping Rhyno around the turnbuckle, running back in and choking him against the ring ropes.
Some right hands from Rhyno, tosses Edge into the ropes and a big flying clothesline. Picks Edge up and slams him down with a standing powerslam for two. A belly to back suplex only gets two and Rhyno sets up for the Gore – but gets a HUGE boot in the face. It’s Edge’s turn now to set up the Spear. He hits it! Hard too. No pin though, he wraps him around in Edge’s ‘patented’ submission and he wins it. Edge is in the Rumble, and wants the mic.
What would make Edge happy?
“I would be happy if he said ‘aboot'” Dani on Canada
He’s calling out HBK for the Superkick he ate last night at New Year’s Revolution. We wait patiently.
“Umm… Edge… Shawn died this morning.” – Erik on tact.
We come back and Edge makes a very valid point – “We’re back from commercial and everyone knows you wouldn’t come out DURING a commercial, losing some of your precious ‘TV TIME'” …Michaels doesn’t come out and Edge whines for awhile, until he declares that he’s begging.. and here comes the Showstoppah!
“It took him so long because he was in Prayer Group” – Eric G on God.
Shawn comes on down and starts comparing his life to Edge’s. He was once down the same path. Everyone hated HBK – which on cue the crowd starts “You screwed Bret” to which Micheals answers back, asking why Edge brought his Canadian friends down here. (When they are in Florida of all places) A great little moment. Anyway, back to the notecards. Michaels tells Edge he needs to stop feeling bad for himself and to just win. To not fight for his spot.. win his spot. To win two Royal Rumbles. Win a Wrestlemania.
Edge takes this heart long enough to cheapshot HBK anad the brawl begins. They fight to the audience.
We come back, and they are still fighting! They’re in the auditoriuum.. like near the concession stands.
We go back to the ring where baby blue Simon Dean comes on down to the ring. Apparently Florida is home of ugly fat people. He’s got a brand new product though, it’s his Simon System Fat Burning Pills. He’s got some pills for a superstar though, a 300 lb guy who likes masks and we are to expect Rosie, and … it’s KANE!
Kane takes a Simon System pill and… apparently doesn’t like it, as he chooses to destroy Simon Dean in response. Simon oversells everything from Kane fantastically, and Kane no sells Dean. He is choking Dean, and here comes Snitsky. A chair the back, some blood caps in Kane’s mouth and here comes the continued long set-up for Wrestlemania.
Flair is in the back motivating Hunter. They need to motivate him. They need Evolution as a unit. Flair’s going to get it done.
In the ring, we are back with Y2J in the ring sporting some badges of pride from last night’s match. His tag team partner is Chris Benoit, also sporting some forehead bandaids. They are facing the guiles of Christian and Tomko
JERICHO & BENOIT vs. CHRISTIAN & TOMKO
It starts off with Jericho and Christian. Back and forth it goes, Jericho hitting the ghetto blaster (that’s an enziguiri for people who have no knowledge of Bad News Brown). Jericho tags in Benoit. Christian finally gets ahead of the game and starts working Benoit’s back, goes and misses a flying headbutt and then, literally, flops like a fish to tag Tomko.
Tomko in the ring with Benoit, and is it me, or is Tomko not doing anything for anyone? I just don’t dig on him. Ah well. Anyway, he does have some big powerful looking moves. Throwing Benoit around like a ragdoll, hits him with a standing powerslam for two. He tags in Christian and they continue to just keep Benoit away from Jericho. A chinlock and the crowd starts to rev up the Wolverine. Christian stops it though with a shoulder block and a two count. Some classic tag heel manuevering as Christian goes and attacks Jericho so Tomko can get some shots in on Benoit.
Another tag and some more hold spots, Tomko trying to weaken Benoit’s neck…. yeah, like that’s bloody likely. Tomko goes for a clothesline which was much closer to a clubbing forearm. He preps himself for a big boot, misses and eats a german suplex in response. The hot tag to Jericho and Jericho clears house. Dropkick off the 2nd turnbuckle to Christian. Bulldog to Tomko. Jericho misses with the Lionsault and Tomko goes in for a powerbomb-ish drop, but Benoit stops the count.
Christian comes in, Benoit stops him. Crossface to Christian – walls to Tomko. Double tap. The goodguys win.
In the back, Ric comes back and is talking about how Dave’s a madman. He apparently almost powerbombed him onto the concrete. Triple H feels slighted that Dave thinks they might not support him. So tonight.. they are going to support him …. evilly… or something involving a close-up of a pissy HHH.
Subway rewind: Lita hurts her knee last night.. yes, last night was night of the bad injury as there is now only 3 Divas in WWE. Lita is apparently out for a few months.
One of the Divas that didn’t win the quarter mil comes out as the ref. Dressed in busty black and white, she shall henceforth be referred to as Eyecandy O’Nipples.
Here comes Maria, with her own Titantron video. Looking quite tasty I must say in a red slip and robe. We will henceforth refer to her as Breasty McBlonde. And here comes Christie in a pink bra panties set (pigtails too.. kay, I’m done being a masogynist). Maria starts off the match by hitting Christie with a pillow and then Lillian Garcia. Instead of actually fighting – the girls start bouncing on the bed. A pillow shot from Lillian sends Christie down. Breasty gets hit with a pillow and Christie leaps over for a backbridge pin for the win. The girls celebrate the fact that they were on the show by dancing around.
I can’t believe I gave that two paragraphs. Anyway, Dave’s coming down to the ring looking mean.
Chris ‘Masterpiece’ Masters is coming. A Narcissist gimmick. Wheee.
Next week: Benoit vs. Jericho and Kane vs. Snitsky… I’m confused.
Coming down to the ring first is Trips and Ric. They meander down and are going to be sitting outside the ring to sit, relax, and not cheat.
ORTON vs. BATISTA
Coming down next is Randy Orton, looking tired and grumpy. He passes some words with Trips. Batista’s music hits, and he preens for awhile before coming into the ring. The crowd popping like mad for Batista. The bell rings and the Batista chant begins.
The bell rings and Batista starts out with the big fists to Batista. Orton gets tossed into the shoulder rams Batista, dazing the big guy. Orton then tries to toss Batista into the ropes, it’s reversed, but Batista drops down for the back body drop. Gets a kick in the face in response. Orton starts hitting Batista, and tries a shoulder block that Batista shrugs it off. Dave gets Orton onto the 2nd rope and chokes the hell out of him for awhile.
“Dammit Batista, earn your banana.” Erik G on Vince paying his superstars.
He finally picks up Orton and a blocked punch is all Orton needs to get back in the game. Fists leading to a big dropkick sends Batista to the outside where Evolution comforts him and says nuturing things.
We come back and they are fighting on the outside. They crawl back in and Batista just does lots of basic painful kicks, punches, chokes, chops, knees before Orton attempts to come back, but gets shoved into the steel post in response. Batista takes full advantage by squishing Orton’s head against the turnbuckle. He follows up by holding his boot against Orton’s throat on the outside. (A “You screwed Chyna” chant has begun)
Batista brings him back in, reverse neckbreaker and he locks Orton into a collared chinlock. Orton fights for the ropes, and as he gets it – Batista lets go and elbow’s Orton into the back of the head until the only thing I can think is.. he has died. Oh! Wait, no he’s still struggling as Batista shoves his foot against his throat again.
Dave picks up Orton, powerslam only gets 2. He picks up Orton again, and Randy tries to fight back, Dave grabs his arm reverses the armbar, grabs him for the big spinebuster! He sets him up for the Batistabomb, but Orton gets the head punches to the DDT. Orton gets thrown into the corner and as Dave tries to take it back, Randy steps out of the way and sends him into the second turnbuckle. Orton catches the inverted backbreaker and goes for the RKO but is denied!
Ric starts distracting the ref and Trips is trying to hand Dave the chair. Dave apparently doesn’t need the chair, but Orton thinks he does as he throws Dave into the chair into Trips and Orton rolls it up for the win. Orton is our #1 contender and Dave is pissed.
As we fade to black on a bad week – I would like to thank all of you guys on the positive support on the forums for the review. Keep em’ coming. Until next week, this is James Hatton saying good night.