Riding Coattails: The No Breakfast Club

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My wonderful friend Amanda, who roomed with me in college and still likes me, came up with the intriguing idea that graces this week’s column. Why not recast The Breakfast Club with former Survivor contestants? Film remakes are all the rage these days, anyway (Freaky Friday and The Manchurian Candidate, anyone?). Plus, everyone who’s anyone has seen The Breakfast Club and even if they haven’t, they probably attended a high school with a rigid clique system that dropped them into some insane, insurmountable stereotype. We humans are far more complex than any category we might be placed into, yet the impulse to find a grouping for everyone is irresistible. The casting directors for Survivor are keenly aware of this as well, given the predictable balance of types we see each season. The gang’s always there: buff alpha males, dear old dads, soccer moms, large-breasted vixens, total a-holes, and token racial minorities.

I’m not exactly knocking this tradition, however. I appreciate the fact that Mark Burnett sees fit to cast only one woman with fake tits each season. I’m thankful that some of the guys on the show do not have stretch marks around their biceps. And really, how many Sue Hawks does one show need?

This eclectic mix of personas is played out beautifully in John Hughes’ 1985 tribute to teen angst. Trap five high school students from warring tribes in a high school library for Saturday detention and watch a tidal wave of emotions burst forth. His combination of young actors rife with talent and a script chock full of psychological hyperbole was a winning one, although a repeat performance with a new cast would be sacriligious. However, it’s fun to imagine who resurrect the roles in this beloved movie. I’ve thought long and hard about my decisions and anyone whose ‘nads aren’t sufficiently pumped by my selections can go smoke a fat one at their local high school library.

John Bender (originally portrayed by the inimitable Judd Nelson)
Bender is the bad seed of the film, the only kid who doesn’t have to cite a reason for being in detention. Bender’s actions and attitudes are stained by a dysfunctional home life littered with cigar butts and empty turkey pot pie tins. While several Survivor guys, such as Jeff Varnick of the Outback and Rob Mariano of Marquesas and All-Stars, exhibit the hell raising element necessary to carry off Bender’s ruckus-causing antics, they don’t have the necessary edge that comes from growing up in a screwed up environment. Only one previous player can deliver that kind of pain to the screen: Robb Zbacnik from Thailand. He’s loud. He’s rude. He’s not afraid to use his middle finger when words fail him. He’s sexy. He looks like he’d enjoy balling the prom queen. And the kid admitted to having a turbulent relationship with his father. Case closed, Robb Z. is the man for the job.

Claire Standish (who presented Molly Ringwald’s second turn as a pouty suburbanite)
This was the toughest one to decide on. I mean, young Claire is the epitome of the spoiled, prissy, popular girl everyone loved to hate in high school. And any woman who ventures onto Survivor is obviously not much of a priss, as even the perkiest of the cheerleader set, Penny Ramsey of Thailand and Kim Powers of Africa, demonstrated. I don’t have much to go on here, but given how spoiled she acted, Jenna Morasca is my best bet for Claire. Plus, even though I know she’s with Ethan, I could totally see her hooking up with Robb the same way Bender and Claire do in The Breakfast Club. I actually have quite a bit of respect for Jenna and think she’s a very strong person, but her aura reeks of high school popularity, which is perfect for Claire. Hmm, I say that like that’s a bad thing. Me? Projecting? Never.

Brian Johnson (brilliantly executed by Anthony Michael Hall)
Before I get started here, I have a question I’d like to pose to the general public: why, after his amazing performances in The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles, did Mr. Hall not go onto fame and fortune, perhaps cornering Hollywood’s nerd market as William H. Macy has so successfully done? I just don’t get it, but I love him, anyway. And since my affection for A.M.H. is so strong, I need a survivor with just as much charm and geekitude to fill his mighty Velcroed shoes. Ryan Shoulders (a.k.a. “Skinny Ryan”, which I didn’t think was very nice of the Morgan tribe) from the Pearl Islands fits the bill very nicely. He’s sweet and dorky and ultimately, I found myself wishing that his threat of “Die, jerks” would have come true. But this is The Breakfast Club, not Revenge of the Nerds, so reality clicks cleanly into fiction. This time, at least.

Andrew Clark (seething with testosterone thanks to Emilio Estevez)
Another tricky casting choice here. Survivor provides an embarrassment of riches when it comes to jocks, so some other factors have to be considered. For instance, who would be most likely to tape someone’s buns together and then feel bad about it later? Who is capable of shattering glass by flexing his pecs? Who would fall for a freaky girl going through a clichÃ?©d all-black phase in her wardrobe? Images of Dave Johnson from the Amazon and Joel Klug of Borneo sail through my mind, yet it all comes back to one man. You know who I’m talking about. The one, the only, the Marlboro Man himself, Colby Donaldson of Outback and All-Stars fame. Let’s face it, Colby presents himself as this really charming, agreeable guy, but you know he’s got some skeletons in his closet. Surely there’s something vaguely sadistic and homoerotic in this boy’s past. And even if there isn’t, I’d never miss an opportunity to make fun of such a phony wanker.

Allison Reynolds (whose squeaks and squeals came courtesy of Ally Sheedy)
The successful execution of Allison requires a willingness to consume a Pixie Stix sandwich and shake dandruff onto a drawing to simulate snow. So clearly, not just any garden variety weird girl will do. We need a true reject here. And Christy Smith, the Amazon’s resident outcast, would be perfect. Although Christy isn’t an inherently odd person, she possesses a fragility necessary to convey the outsider status of Allison. But can I picture her making out with Colby? Hell no. But then again, the sidebar romance of Andrew and Allison always seemed a bit over-the-top and incredible to me, anyway. I think John Hughes should have left well enough alone with Bender and Claire’s scorching good-bye kiss.

Principal Richard Vernon (whose real-life counterpart, Paul Gleason, is probably less of a dick)
Plenty of survivors can scrounge up the military background needed to pull off the authoritarian jerkiness of this tyrant. I think of robotic stiffs like Frank Garrison in Africa and even Rudy Boesch from Borneo and All-Stars, but, aside from their rabid hatred of homosexuals, they showed a humane side. The Amazon’s Roger Sexton, on the other hand, didn’t appear to possess a soul. And totally out of touch with today’s youth. I can just see him bitch-slapping Robb into two more months of detention and peeking through the confidential files in the basement like the slime he proved himself to be on the show.

Carl the Janitor (taking no crap from his stand-in, John Kapelos)
Here’s an easy one. Who else could so perfectly echo the line, “When I was sixteen, I wanted to be John Lennon.”? Who else emits such a keen understanding of the adolescent psyche and its characteristic woes? Why, Rupert Boneham, of course! America’s favorite hippie from the Pearl Islands and All-Stars was a shoo-in for this part. I can just see him badgering Roger for fifty dollars after catching him snooping around the secret records and telling the students that he knows them better than they know themselves.

P.S. Some readers may wonder why this is such an Amazon-heavy list. My reasoning is that out of all the Survivor seasons, the Amazon mirrored a high school environment most, pitting the popular kids against the nerds with a few drifters thrown in for good measure. It was one of my favorite seasons, too.