Recapped: Desperate Housewives – Episode 11

Unlike some of Ron Popeil’s products, TiVo isn’t exactly an object that you can use to set it and forget it.

I found this out the hard way as I bring to you another week of Desperate Housewives. Yeah, it’s Thursday (as I’m typing this), and the show was on Sunday. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? I assumed that I had season passes to both DH and Lost (which is also coming ASAP), but I was dead wrong on that account, as they both ended up not recording. With all the TV I’m missing (I still haven’t seen any of the first four hours of 24), it’s no wonder that I can’t seem to get my writing mojo up to take on the task of recapping another hour of Desperate Housewives. Somehow I don’t think it’ll be worth it.

Then again, my morale might just be down from a serious error at the end of last week’s recap. And with that, let’s go to the mailbag so I can beg for forgiveness:

hello, john;

just a quick shout-out to give you some praise. I enjoy watching the show, but I like having you as a back-up. your recaps are so detailed that if I miss an ep, or a segment, I can just pull up your recap and all the blanks will be filled in. good stuff.

now, the personal response question — who is your fave/least fave character, and what has been the best moment for you so far?

Bree has got to be the best, in my opinion. (Susan my least fave, only because its always slapstick physical comedy with her, like a friggin female Chevy Chase) and her dressing-down of Rex in this last episode had me marking out.

keep up da good work

My favorite character is probably Carlos, since you can just tell that there’s something brewing inside of him just waiting to explode when he finds out the truth about Gabrielle and John, even if Gabrielle is realizing the errors of her ways. My least favorite character is Edie. I know she was created with the intention of having people hate her for being such a slut, but people are seriously hating the actress behind Edie, sending her death threats as I have read recently. So there’s something to think about regarding just how overboard they’ve gone on making me despise Edie.

But my favorite moment no doubt belongs to Bree, with her confession of Rex crying when he ejaculates. That was just an insane moment and one of the few moments where I’ve laughed at loud at this show.

Uh, Gabby burned the passport and kept the papers. You wrote that she burned the papers and kept the passport. Burning the passport and keeping the papers is MUCH more interesting.

Well, writing it would’ve made me a much better recapper. However, at the end of that episode I just was kinda blowing off the entire episode since it wasn’t anything too mind-blowing and I hate that narration at the beginning and the end from Dead Woman Narrating. So yes, I made a very huge error once I watched the ending scene again. Sure enough, Gabrielle did burn the passport. This oversight is pretty glaring, especially since it’s supposed to be a plot twist, but I just plain didn’t notice it. I regret the error, naturally.

Who plays Karl Mayer? He looks so familiar but no one can find his name.

Thank you.

According to the helpful folks at TVtome.com, Karl Mayer–the ex-husband of Susan Mayer–is played by Richard Burgi, who’s main claim to fame is probably being the lead star of the Sentinel, the TV show on UPN that featured a detective with hyperactive senses developed during a stint of time in the Special Forces. He was also in the straight-to-video sequel of Starship Troopers, and was on various soap operas including Another World, As The World Turns and Days of Our Lives. That’s about all I care to know about the man, personally.

I enjoy the recaps- helps me catch up when the fianc�©e and I miss it.

Anyways, you may have missed the most important part of the ending. Gabrielle didn’t throw the papers into the fire- she threw the passport, which pretty much means that she’s leaving Carlos to the wolves.

Keep up the good work.

*sobs uncontrollably*

On the bright side, this is the most mail I’ve gotten in my mailbag since the first episodes of Lost. So maybe I should make glaring errors more often. Or maybe you people need to start bowing down to me some more!

And now, on with the recap!

Previously, on Desperate Housewives: Rex and Bree continue on the road to divorce, but things get interesting because Rex is having an affair with Maisy Gibbons, who is a total dominatrix. Anyway, Rex has a heart attack and Bree is glad that Rex didn’t die since now he has to suffer through Bree basically busting his balls inside out and ten ways to Tuesday. Carlos is arrested and needs Gabrielle to help her find his passport. And Susan continues to have problems with her ex-husband, despite doing everything she can to get into Creepy Plumber Mike’s pants, much to the distaste of Edie Britt. Lynette’s got a new nanny, by the way. Oh, and there was that whole thing with Paul Young killing Mrs. Huber, wrapping her up in black garbage bags and burying her body. Remember that?

Fade to Dead Woman Narrating–which is getting as old as Mrs. Huber’s rotting corpse–as she explains that Edie Britt doesn’t understand why she doesn’t have any female friends. She always tried to make it look like she didn’t need any female friends, but deep down, it bothered her. Well, that’s mostly because every time Edie looks at a woman walking with her husband, the woman assumes that Edie is trying to steal the husband away. When she first moved to Wisteria Lane, the other Desperate Housewives made it a goal to keep their distance. But then Edie met one Martha Huber. Within five minutes, Mrs. Huber had insulted Edie’s clothes, and also made it a task to keep insulting Edie at every turn. Edie didn’t mind all of this, however, since in the end, Mrs. Huber was the first true friend that Edie had ever had. Of course now Martha Huber is dead. But to those of us not named Paul Young, we are not aware of this and Martha Huber is just assumed “missing”, vanished without a trace. And Edie was quick to admit that she needed Martha back.

And with that, the narrator shuts the hell up and a cab pulls up, perking Edie’s senses. Emerging from the cab is none other than Martha’s sister herself. She has a real name, but I really don’t want to bother since I have doubts that she will be a recurring character. If she’s on the next episode after this one, I’ll go through the trouble of finding this character’s real name. Anyway, Edie doesn’t see the likeness from Martha’s sister and Martha herself, but The Sister assures Edie that it’s there, but it just takes some time to rear its ugly head, which are my words and not hers. Edie and Martha’s sister walk to the front door of Mrs. Huber’s house, as Edie says that the police installed a temporary lock after they knocked the door down, and Edie has the key to this lock, apparently. Furthermore, the neighbors are getting together at noon to pass out flyers. The Sister is more interested in the key, however, and Edie produces it, while mentioning that she cannot imagine how worried The Sister must be. But Martha’s sister isn’t worried at all, saying that Martha and her share an “intense bond”. A few days ago, she felt a sensation in her soul that signaled to her that something had happened to Martha. And then when she didn’t arrive to her house on time…that’s when she knew she was dead. Awesome. Edie doesn’t think The Sister should think like that, and should only consider Martha missing, but Martha’s sister insists that she’s dead. But since The Sister is related to Martha, she’s going to find out exactly what happened to her. Edie knows that it’s only natural to freak out when a loved one is missing, but Martha’s sister needs to explain something to Edie: She hated Martha. “She was a retchid pig of a woman and when she died this world became a better place.” This quote is so excellent because The Sister has such a wide smile on her face as she’s saying it. Anyway, Edie finally sees the resemblance between Martha and The Sister. Hip hip, hooray.

You’re watching Desperate Housewives. Nicolette Sheridan is the worst-dressed person of 2004, and she’s also getting death threats because of it. Whattaslut. Seriously.

And now, a word from our well-dressed sponsors…

Back to Wisteria Lane, as everyone on the block has gathered to the noon meeting regarding Mrs. Huber’s disappearance. While some came to volunteer to look for Martha, others simply came in sympathy, and some, like Paul Young, came to find out exactly what the police knew…and what they didn’t. A random police officer gives a spiel about handing out the flyers and such as the Housewives look on. Edie says a word, or a few words, regarding her last conversation with Martha–which was less than pleasurable. It’s not long before Edie breaks down in fake tears and goes to the nearest random police officer for solace, as the surprised officer gives what he can. Lynette is surprised that Edie somehow found a way to make it all about her. Susan–who is looking the sexiest out of the bunch in this particular scene, not that any of you probably noticed the first time through watching it–changes the subject to Rex and Bree, asking about the condition of the unfaithful Rex. According to Lynette, Bree is bringing Rex home from the hospital today. Susan just doesn’t see how Rex could’ve had a heart attack at such a young age. Gabrielle mentions the creepiness of The Sister, and Lynette suggests that it seems like The Sister has already dismissed Martha as dead. Susan doesn’t think anything happened to Mrs. Huber, since she’s like a roach. A roach that wandered into a roach motel and was beaten with its own severed limbs. And its stolen blender.

Cut to Paul Young, who tries to comfort The Sister in a very creepy manner by saying that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for Martha’s safety. But The Sister seriously doubts that this is true, and now this whole attitude thing with The Sister thinking that she knows the truth is getting annoying. And we’re only six minutes in, folks. This is gonna be a fun ride!

Over to the hospital, as it is revealed that Rex will not be returning to the Van De Kamp household. Bree thinks that Rex should find a motel if he wants to recouperate, despite the protests of the Van De Kamp children. Danielle is wondering what happened to the once-promising return to calm in the Van De Kamp family, but Bree says that is just between her and Rex. Andrew finds that selfish and anticipates the day when he’ll get to put Bree in a nursing home, but Bree is one step ahead since she intends to have an embolism and die young. Ahahahahahahahaha. Anyway, Andrew challenges Bree to abandon his father and find out how long he can hold a grudge against Bree. Bree thinks that Andrew wouldn’t be saying that if he knew…but cuts herself off. Andrew wants to know what his father did that was so awful, and Bree gives in, offering to see Rex back to good health from the heart attack, but after that, Rex can rot in hell as far as Bree is concerned. Danielle asks if they’re not like other families, and Andrew confirms this in a totally useless piece of dialogue that any common viewer could easily guess.

To the Solis’ house as a man I am assuming is Gabrielle’s lawyer is being yelled at by Gabrielle to unfreeze Gabrielle’s bank accounts. He wishes he could do something, but the Justice Department wouldn’t allow it. Gabrielle is running out of money and will be screwed in a short amount of time. The maid (forgot her name) suggests that Gabrielle sell some of her jewelry, since there’s a lot of pieces that she never wears, and most of it is ugly anyway. Gabrielle dismisses her to go scrub a toilet somewhere, and then changes her train of thought to Carlos and his dastardly deed of exporting goods created with slave labor. The lawyer explains that all that is required is that the judges know that Carlos will not leave the country. If he is released on bail, he will need money to live on, so the possibility is there that one of the smaller bank accounts will be unfrozen. Or melted. That sounds cooler. Anyway, Carlos being released on bail requires Carlos to give up his passport. And yes, unlike what I erronously said last episode, the passport was burned in the Solis’ fireplace since Gabrielle wanted Carlos to suffer for his betrayal more than Gabrielle wanted her old life of fortune back. Gabrielle explains to the lawyer that she is still searching for it, which brings the lawyer to his suggestion that Gabrielle find a job. The maid scoffs at such an idea, as Gabrielle gives her a dirty look.

By the way, most of the cuts are revolving around the missing flyers of Mrs. Huber. Not that this means a damn thing. Cut to Susan and Mike in the Mayer kitchen as Susan explains that she had a really good time, which is basically the end of a conversation that I’m sure was juicy in the beginning. The doorbell rings and Susan gets a little pinch of Creepy Plumber butt before going to answer it. And it’s Karl! It’s always a bad time for Karl to arrive, but Karl has tax stuff and needs Susan’s signature. Susan explains that they’ve been divorced for over a year, but Karl disagrees and barges into the door without asking. Karl runs into Mike and Susan introduces the two to each other. Mike takes his leave by making the lame excuse of not having the right washer for a faucet. Karl is impressed by the plumber, and Susan says that yes, he is nice. So Susan signs the papers as she talks about the birthday plans for Julie, which is basically to go to a restaurant downtown where a piano player is playing and it’s open mic. Julie got a lot of her girl friends together and they’re going to make a night out of it. Karl thinks it’s a good idea since Julie likes to sing and it should be fun. Susan is done signing the papers and hands them over to Karl, and before Karl leaves Susan asks to “give her best to Brandi”, but Karl caught Brandi with another guy. Susan gets a rather big smile on her face, knowing that Karl had just experienced karma…or Karlma. Whichever one is funnier. Karl notices that Susan is rather jovial about the whole thing but Susan says in a very insincere manner that she is very sorry that Karl had to go through that. And then Karl gives Susan a hug and Susan is rather awkward about it, but it gets even more awkward when Mike arrives. Mike doesn’t get the wrong idea right away, fortunately, and Susan then makes the international signal for “call me” as Mike backs out of the door again. Karl breaks the hug and gets ready to take his leave again, advising Susan to let her know how the birthday party went and sounding very pitiful before Susan finally gives in and offers to let Karl join the girls. Karl is so grateful that he gives Susan another hug, as Susan looks uncomfortable in the desperate arms of Karl.

Over to Lynette, as she tries to plan ahead for tomorrow. She wants to talk with Tom about purchasing a water heater, but Tom just wants to talk about it tommorrow. Lynette reluctantly agrees to just get some sleep, but before they do, Lynette asks Tom if he’s set up the coffee maker. Tom groans and realizes that he hasn’t, but instead of waiting for early tomorrow to set it up, Lynette goads Tom into doing it now. So back downstairs, we notice that the nanny is doing the laundry. She takes off her slippers and notices they are raunchy, so in they go into the washer…along with her stained robe. So now the buck naked nanny covers herself up and scampers off to God-knows-where to get some clothes, but of course she runs into Tom. Both parties are rather surprised, but the surprise seems to be more pleasant on Tom’s side. The nanny offers to set up the coffee maker herself, and Tom thinks that would be great. Tom then goes back up to his room, grinning the whole way. And then she comes up to Lynette’s side, and it’s time for love making. EXCELLENT. The sexy nanny turns on Tom like a light switch. Huzzah.

And now, a word from our sponsors…screw Nanny 911 and the Supernanny, I want more of the Sexynanny! Though why is it that this show seems rather overstuffed with moments of women being naked and getting embarrassed? I guess that’s the J.J. Abrams in Marc Cherry.

Next morning and we’re back at the Scavo house as Lynette is about to uncover a secret that she wasn’t even looking for, unlike the search for Martha Huber. Claire (that’s her name, I still can’t believe I have to look up half of the names for these secondary characters) comes down for some coffee after being invited by Lynette. Claire explains that she wanted to wait for Tom to leave, since she was still a little embarrassed by the events of the night before. Tom didn’t tell Lynette anything about this, so Claire explains the whole thing about ending up being buck naked after loading up the laundry. Lynette doesn’t really pay attention until Claire mentions that she was completely naked when she ran into Tom. Lynette asks Claire when this was, and Claire assumes that it was when Tom was going down to make some coffee or something late at night. Lynette finds this interesting, and then we cut…

…to a modeling agent who looks through the book of Gabrielle’s modeling pictures. He is impressed with her work but makes sure to let her know that she will not be pulling in the $10,000/day job that she had as a runway model. Gabrielle doesn’t expect that, however, and then asks the agent what kind of jobs she can pick up. The first one is modeling the new Buick LaCrosse, which is $300 for the day. Gabrielle isn’t impressed and wonders what else is available. Well, there’s a sci-fi convention that needs someone to dress up as a warrior princess. Gabrille gets all primadonna and saying that her “face is a cash cow”, but the agent fires back by saying they’re the only agency within 100 miles, and if she doesn’t like it, she can move right back to the city. Gabrielle can’t think of anything to retort with, and Gabrielle then sits down and wants to talk about the Buick opportunity. Yawn.

Over to the Van De Kamps, as Rex tells Bree that he is grateful for everything she’s done. Bree says that the only reason that Rex is here is because the children are “master extortionists.” No, Rex’s adultery has not reached the ears of the Danielle and Andrew, that’s a Bree-only secret. Bree is upset, however, since Rex could need to be recouperating for weeks, but Rex wonders if apologizing for what he’s done will make up for it. Well, it would. But Bree doesn’t feel anything for Rex anymore. Rex can’t believe that, since Bree broke out the good china, the flowers from the garden, and the freshly pressed napkins. The tray was prepared with loving care for Rex. Bree suggests that Rex not mistake her anal retentiveness for actual affection…

…and speaking of affection, Susan is making love with Mike, as Susan turns over the MISSING papers to not have Mrs. Huber in her peripheral vision and then returns to the lovemaking. Mike laughs and professes his love for Susan, but Susan is surprised by this sudden statement and cannot reciprocate right away. Mike is understanding though, and the lovemaking cannot be interrupted…until Susan interrupts it herself by wondering what kind of issues Mike thinks she has. Mike sighs, and then says that he no longer loves her and now just thinks of her as a good buddy. Susan wants to hear what Mike has to say, however, so Mike delves into how Susan’s divorce left her alone and vulnerable, and Susan might still have feelings for Karl. But the postman knows that Susan is not only vulnerable, but also that she loathes Karl. Mike thinks that part of her is still hung up on him, since she learned that Karl broke up with Brandi. So Karl and Susan share a hug and then later Susan invites Karl to a party. Susan blows off the conversation, inviting Mike to Julie’s party so that he can see that there is nothing going on between Karl and Susan. “That’s what I get for saying I love you.”

And now we’re off to a pharmacy, as Bree meets with a pharmacist regarding Rex’s medicine (but we get a good look at a future storyline when she compliments the pharmacist on saying such nice things about her). Anyway, the pharmacist insists that Rex will need constant care for months after his heart attack, and then goes off to get the medicine. Bree turns around and notices an old couple with the woman taking care of the old man, who is hacking and coughing, as the Dead Woman Narrating notes that Bree is currently getting a horrifying look into her future. And sure enough, Bree turns and invites the pharmacist to dinner so that she can stop the future from happening. It’s like Back to the Future, only it’s kinda scandalous. The pharmacist wonders what will become of Rex, but Bree explains that they’re separated, and she says it very proudly.

And now, a word from our sponsors…

Life on Wisteria Lane seemed to be returning to normal, but then a police officer finds an abandoned car that happens to be Martha Huber’s car. So the scene changes and a crowd has gathered as they are there to look for clues and act as a search party. Susan, Bree, and Lynette are gathered together as Bree advises the other two to let her know if she is about to step on a body part since she isn’t going to be actively looking for one. Lynette says that it’s not for sure that Martha Huber is dead yet, and Bree just wants to talk about something more uplifting. But when Susan mentions that Mike told her that he loved her, the reactions from Bree and Lynette–a gasp and “Oh My God!”, respectively–the rest of the search party assumes that they’ve found the body. But Lynette says that it’s a false alarm, and that Susan just had some really good news is all. I was waiting for one of the random people to pop up and say “Did she save a lot of money on her car insurance?” That would’ve been gold and it would’ve guaranteed another one of those “laugh out loud” moments for me. Anyway, the search party actually seems kinda disappointed that they didn’t get to find a dead body just yet, and Edie walks off, mentioning that Susan always finds a way to make it about her.

Why is Gabrielle not a part of this search party? Why, because she’s modeling the new Buick LaCrosse, of course! Mallgoers watch on as Gabrielle talks about the features of the LaCrosse, but then she notices that Tom and Lynette are on their way down the escalator. Gabrielle quickly finishes up her speech about the LaCrosse and then tries to make a daring escape, but the sound lady notices and furthermore, Gabrielle gets her dress caught on the revolving platform. So meeting up with Tom and Lynette is inevitable. The Scavos are there to buy a new water heater, and Gabrielle explains that she caught a little too close to the turntable since she’s just a sucker for those Buicks. The sound lady curses at the dress as she tries to get it undone. I’m hoping this doesn’t become another one of those “Housewives becomes naked” moments. One per show is more than enough. But it’s a false alarm as Gabrielle’s dress comes unstuck without much rippage. Gabrielle continues to try and blow the Scavos off as she explains that Sarah, the sound lady, is actually her shopping partner. Lynette and Tom finally leave, as Gabrielle knows that she’s just dodged a bullet.

Over to Bree as she comes down in a nice dress which Rex recognizes as such. Bree doesn’t want to spill too much about the date, though, since any undue stress may cause another heart attack. So Bree decides to tell Rex that she’s going to “French the hell” out of her date. Rex doesn’t seem very bothered in the least, actually looking somewhat curious. And there’s the pharmacist who hands over some flowers to Bree as she invites him in. And George quickly runs into Rex, who gives a nice little wave. George thought that Bree and Rex were separated, but Bree explains that his mistress refuses to care for him so he lives here. Emotionally, they’re detached. George doesn’t want to have anything to drink, and Rex greets George. George and Rex have a conversation while Bree goes into the other room. Eventually, the small talk disappears and Rex breaks out laughing. He explains that since he has been caught cheating, Bree has done everything in her power to make Rex suffer, but all Rex can do is laugh about it. George has no idea about any of this, of course, as Bree comes back in and mentions how the flowers are the best she’s ever gotten. So Bree gets ready to take off with George and George thanks Rex for the conversation: “Please, you’re dating my wife, call me Rex.” Once again, it’s the delivery that counts. Bree gives Rex a dirty look and then they’re off.

Back with the Scavos as Lynette mentions that the girl that sold them the water heater had a cute, curvy figure, which is just Tom’s type. Tom tries to end the conversation by saying that he only likes one type of girl, but Lynette wants to keep talking, especially since Tom’s type of girl with the cute, curvy figure is someone like Claire. Lynette then gives Tom some good ol’ logic by saying that the only reason he made love to Lynette the night previous was because he had just seen Claire naked. Tom is shocked and then realizes that he’s in big trouble. Back in the car as they are getting ready to leave, Tom won’t admit that Claire is the hottest thing since sliced bread came out of the toaster, so Lynette stops the car and wants Tom to do it. Tom shouldn’t worry, since Lynette admits that she is attractive, and men by nature are drawn to fertile young women. And such. A woman comes up wanting to leave the mall but Lynette is holding up traffic because Tom won’t admit that he has lust in his heart. So the woman walks away. Tom finally confesses that Claire is attractive but Tom is not attracted to her, since if there was any danger of that happening, he’d be the first to kick her out, blah blah blah Lynette’s the one. They kiss and then there’s honking so they drive off. And…scene. Started good but ended kinda cheesily.

Over to Julie’s birthday party as she’s already singing on the open mic with the piano player as Mike and Susan laugh with Julie and her girl friends and Karl takes a nice big drink. Julie excuses herself to the dance floor, and then Karl calls over Edie(!!!) Susan wonders what she’s doing here, and it turns out that Karl has brought a date. Susan just can’t believe that he went for Edie out of all the women. Edie then joins the conversation, saying that she needed something to get her mind off Martha…and then proceeds to give a kiss to the birthday boy. So she turns and gives Karl a good ol’ fashioned slutty kiss and then Susan has to break the news that it’s not Karl’s birthday. Whoops. But it’d be interesting to see Edie give the same kind of kiss to Julie. Interesting and very illegal.

In front of the Van De Kamp household, Bree and George are just about ready to call it a night on their date, as George once again hits a flurry of compliments to woo Bree. Bree and George are about ready to say goodnight with a kiss, but before that can happen a knock comes at Bree’s side of the car. It’s Andrew, which kinda fooled me. I was expecting Rex to be on the other side of that glass. Anyway, Andrew was on his way back from a friend’s house and then wonders what’s going on with George. Bree introduces the pharmacist, and Andrew greets him and then continues to talk to Bree regarding, you know, why she’s in his car. Bree explains that they’re just talking, since George took her out to dinner. Andrew wonders if this was like a date, and then Bree steps out of the car and finally says that yes, it was a date. Andrew bends down and informs George that she is married, just in case George doesn’t know. Bree explains that they are separated, but Andrew thinks that she could’ve at least waited until Rex was out of the house. Of course, the only reason that Rex is still in the house is because Andrew insisted that Bree take care of him after his heart attack. Andrew then bends down to ask George what’s next, are they gonna have sex? Bree then lets it slip that she doesn’t commit adultery like Rex. Andrew is shocked, but Bree then confirms that yes, Rex did have an affair with another woman and now Bree is just trying to move on to her life. So one more time, Andrew bends down and warns George to look out for her, since she’s a liar. Andrew angrily walks back to the house, dejected.

Over to Gabrielle, who is looking over the mounting bills that are coming up. Gabrielle thinks that she can make it on her own without Carlos’ money, but when the electricity goes out, the Dead Woman Narrating explains that Gabrielle finally sees the light. So Gabrielle whips out her cell phone and calls her lawyer, telling him that he needs to get to work on getting Carlos out of jail, since Gabrielle has magically remembered where she put the passport. The passport which is now ashes in the fireplace. Of course. Forgery, baby.

Now back to Julie’s birthday party, as Edie is singing a song while both Susan and Karl take a drink. That’s the only way to enjoy Edie singing “I’ve Never Been To Me”, I’m afraid. Susan kisses Mike on the cheek as Karl looks on, dejected. Edie finishes up her song, and Karl offers some enthusiastic praise, taking her hand to guide her back to her seat. Karl mentions that Susan is next, and wonders what she’s going to sing. Mike didn’t know that Susan sang, but Susan sings alone only. Mike would love to hear Susan’s voice, and another trademark Susan Gets Embarrassed And Possibly Injured moment is coming up. Karl tells Mike to “give it up, plumber, she’s not budging.” Karl’s nickname for Mike reminds me of Sawyer from Lost. In a more annoying way. Susan gives Mike another kiss, and then informs Mike that the song she’ll be singing is New York, New York. Edie hopes that the crowd doesn’t turn on Susan though, since she’ll be singing in front of a crowd “dressed like that”. Ugh. This is why I hate Edie Britt’s character. It’s just way too terrible of a person to even appreciate that there are plenty of people like that in real life. Susan thinks that she’ll take her chances, much like Edie did on the high notes. Edie gives a sarcastic laugh and then goes off to get a drink for her and Karl. Karl thinks that Mike is a little bit “Buster Brown”, but Susan insists that she’ll be fine. Karl mentions that even if his marriage to Susan was crazy at times, it was never dull. Susan brings on the sarcasm herself when she mentions that it was really exciting when Karl cheated on her with his secretary, but Karl wonders if he gets credit for the thirteen years before hand. Edie then brings up the Hendersons’ Christmas Party, and Karl tries to change the subject, but Edie launches into a drunken story about how Karl cheated on Susan way before the initial Brandi incident. However, before Susan has a chance to react with any emotion, she’s called up to the stage and the stage is most definitely set for Susan to make an ass out of herself. You can’t spell Susan without “ass”, after all. Susan looks rather distraught, but Edie is bouncing with delight as Susan launches into a rather morose edition of “New York, New York”. However, Susan can’t keep up with the lyrics, instead launching into a public rant about how the affair was one thing since she thought Karl was in love with Brandi and that hell will freeze over before she ever feels sorry for Karl again. And then she finishes with a very off-key “New York” as Edie strikes again.

Police interview Wisteria Lane, as the Dead Woman Narrating figures that it won’t be long before their digging yields answers. So Paul goes out to the forest, digs up the body of Martha Huber, and knowing that the police had no suspects, decided to point the finger at the most likely candidate. Paul grabs the jewelry off Martha’s body and then DWN explains that Paul knows one thing about the suburbs: Nothing is more suspicious than a neighbor who has just moved in. The camera takes a quick pan over and reveals the name on the mailbox in front of the house: DELFINO.

SWERVE CITY~!

And now, a word from our sponsors…home stretch time, but it seems that Desperate Housewives has once again delivered in the final minutes as we get a brand spankin’ new plot twist.

Back with the Scavos, as a conversation soon launches into Claire scrubbing the table, and Lynette noticing that Claire’s breasts are dangling rather proudly, and catching Tom looking at them. So Tom suddenly notices this, and announces that they have to make some changes.

Now we go to the Van De Kamps, as Andrew meets up with her mother, who explains that she’s moving some of Rex’s things out. Andrew offers to help and does so immediately. Andrew talked to Rex, and Bree was telling the truth after all. Bree’s sorry that she said anything, but Andrew is glad that he knows now. Because every boy reaches a point in their life when they figure out not that their dad is screwing around, but that their dad is only human. Andrew wonders why Bree would take care of him still, since if it’s because of what Andrew and Danielle said, Andrew is now offering to take Rex’s stuff out himself. Bree thinks that’s sweet, but she’s only doing it because it’s the right thing to do. Andrew can’t believe that she’s being a pushover about this, since he did CHEAT on Bree. Bree explains that Andrew is not to call Rex any names or anything. Yes, Bree may divorce Rex and marry someone else, but there should be no mistaking that Rex is the love of Bree’s life and nothing is going to change that. Bree wants Andrew to respect him for giving her an 18-year marriage that she was proud of. And so Andrew is a pushover and agrees to like Rex as they walk off together.

Susan greets Karl at the door by saying that she’s really busy, but when Karl says that he’s come to apologize, the door is wide open for him. Karl explains that he thought Edie wasn’t going to bring it up and that he was done hurting Susan. Susan thought so too, and Susan is sorry for flipping out, too, since she shouldn’t let Karl get to her like that. Karl laughs and notices that that’s the difference between him and the plumber…Karl can still get a rise out of Susan. Karl thinks he’s a good guy and all, but they don’t have what Karl and Susan had. Karl thinks that it’s great that they used to argue with each other and push each other’s buttons and he thinks that’s great, but Susan then informs him that she HATED all of that. Karl asks Susan to admit that when it was good, it was the best. Long story short: Karl wants to give it another shot. Susan can’t believe this, but Karl explains that Susan is the woman for him, and that he wants to be back together. Susan is so surprised by this, but not in a good way. Karl thinks that Susan has to feel something, though…and Susan does. So she storms out of the house with her spray bottle and rag, putting them aside as she runs up to Mike’s door, knocking. Mike answers and Susan professes her love for him…but as they kiss the camera pans over and reveals the officers inside. Susan notices them next, as Mike explains that they’re just asking questions about Mrs. Huber.

Here comes the end narration. Everyone is looking for that something missing in their life. Someone who can offer companionship, like Bree needing to be with George as Rex looks docile in the foreground. Or assistance, as Lynette calls to get a nanny who is experienced and unattractive…as Tom looks docile in the foreground. Or security, as Gabrielle calls Carlos to inform him that he’s going to make bail since she found Carlos’ passport. Somehow it wasn’t burned to pieces. And sometimes, if we search very hard, we can find someone who can provide all three…as Susan calls Mike to say that she loves him.

Cut to a jogger with his dog as DWN explains that we’re all searching for someone. And if we can’t find them? “We can only pray that they find us.” As the jogger’s dog digs up the dead hand of Mrs. Huber.

End show!

Analyzing each Housewives’ storyline, Edie is obviously #1 since the swerve of pinning the evidence on Mike is just awesome. Next up is Gabrielle since I haven’t the faintest clue how the judge isn’t going to be suspicious of a very burned passport, which makes me want to keep watching. Then comes Bree, as I’m wondering if they’re setting Bree up to finally snap and try to get George to kill Rex (as the preview for next week would lead me to believe). Lynette manages to jump ahead of Susan this week, as that nanny is super hot and I wouldn’t blame Tom for wanting to hit that if I knew him in real life. Once again, Felicity Huffman proves that she really is the most versatile actor when it comes to making amusing but not embarrassing situations and still being able to dial it back with some seriousness regarding her addiction to ADD pills.

Speaking of embarrassing situations, a big zero to Susan’s storyline this week. Even though it’ll get spiced up with Mike getting in trouble, this was a total chick flick storyline this week, as we’re supposed to care that Susan and Karl is still over. I had no doubt that Karl was not going to go back into Susan’s life, so I really saw it coming. And I was bored watching it, so that’s a double whammy.

Did I make another mistake? Was I wrong in my analysis of the episode? Is the nanny not as hot as I think she is? Don’t forget to send an e-mail to johnduran@insidepulse.com to give me any and every comment about DH. And for you Lost fans out there, stay tuned. The Lost recap is coming soon.

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