The Smackdown Short Form, 01.13.05

Okay, a little update on the situ that I talked about in the intro of my column on Wednesday. I was able to see a clinician on Wednesday afternoon. After listening to my symptoms and taking my blood pressure (very elevated), she confirmed that it was a panic attack. It was almost certainly caused by too much Lamictal too fast. So, we cut back on the Lamictal, told to take a K-Dog every night for the next couple weeks, and she ordered me to stay out of work for the rest of the week. I was going to go in Friday, since we were scheduled to do nothing, but on my way out, I found that the weather was so cold that it drained the battery on the Damn Vaninator (fortunately, I have a way to recharge it, so it’ll be cool on Monday). So I’ve been enjoying myself at home doing absolutely nothing, which sorta sucks a bit considering that I had to wait for Smackdown to air in order for me to download it. Fortunately, it was up early on Friday morning and finished before ten, so I could knock this puppy out damn quick.

So that’s an update from the drug front on this end. Let’s get on to Smackdown, where they have no excuse for their behavior…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Doug and Danny Basham over Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak, Eddy Guerrero and Booker T, and Rey-Rey and Toke-Toke, Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match, Tag Titles Match (Doug Basham pins Jindrak, Rey-Rey 619; Rey-Rey pins Eddy, springboard hurracanrana; Danny Basham illegally pins Rey-Rey, powerbomb, New Tag Champions): First of all, Van Dam will be out for months, and he didn’t participate in this match. What the hell am I going to do without the weekly Van Dam bashings? I’ll have to get on someone else’s case. The Bashams seem to be good candidates. Out of all the teams in the match, they gave the titles to the worst one of the bunch. That’s really saying something when you realize that Reigns and Jindrak were out there. But I do have to give them credit for one thing: they gave the straps to a true tag team, not a pair of singles guys stuck together because “creative” had nothing in line for them. So good news and bad news. And it was a decent match to boot if you ignore the restholds during the Jindrak segments.

Jindrak does that disturbing swiveling of the hips

And he does it again, with Eddy in tow, which makes it even more disturbing

The 619 that sealed Ol’ Swivel-Hips’ fate

Eddy invites the Bashams to join the Kiss My Ass Club

Booker sets up Rey-Rey for the spinebuster

And yet another move out of the Kama Sutra, or at least out of a chiropractor’s repertoire

Doug Basham turns Rey-Rey into his bitch

Kurt Angle over Roderick Strong, Kurt Angle Invitational (Submission, AngleLock): Well, hell, at least I’m familiar with this guy from him playing jobber in TNA. That’s more than those other guys that Kurt’s dragged out. Cool. And he did a good job to boot.

TNA jobber puts WWE upper-carder into a pinning predicament. That’s weird enough to screen cap.

John Cena over Kenzo Suzuki, US Title Match (Pinfall, F-U): Since when has a title match been booked as a jobber match? Suzuki got barely any offense in before they started Cena’s mandatory spots. Goddamnit, I hate “creative”.

America’s favorite couple

The All-American Bulldog

Amy Weber over Joy Giovanni, Catfight (Forfeit): Damn, they give us the backstage stuff, but not in the ring. Anything to serve the High-Quality Speaker Boy/TBS angle, huh?

Amy Weber looks convincing being scared to death. She doesn’t look convincing as anything else.

As I’ve asked before, who did Lil’ Naitch blow to get all of the women’s matches?

High-Quality Speaker Boy lies through his teeth to Teddy Long

So does Jordan

Sho Funaki over Nunzio, Cruiserweight Title Match (Pinfall, aerial DDT): Nice fast-paced match, but a little too short. Maybe all the action compresses the perception of time compared to the lumbering bullshit that is “WWE Main Event” style.

Of course, Lil’ Naitch also gets to do all of the cruiser matches too, so you gotta wonder about him

Little Guido tries to play heel, and fails

Angle Developments:

A True Man At Heart: Is Angle’s apology to Joy the first stage toward a face turn? I hope not. Heel Angle has been so entertaining lately that it’s inconceivable they’d blow this opportunity with him (especially given the low number of upper-card heels on SD at this point). I just hope that this means he’ll play the tweener during the Triple Threat at Royal Rumble and we’ll see a reversion afterward. Of course, I wrote this before the reveal at the end of the show, but I kept it in to show you how much I got suckered by this. I’m such a goddamn idiot.

Angle does the apology thing

Joy and Amy doing what they do best, and we appreciate their effort

Fruits For A Fruit: High-Quality Speaker Boy doing disaster relief and donations of fertilizer to revive Florida’s orange industry? It’s not the stupidest excuse for an angle like this, but it does come damn close.

High-Quality Speaker Boy gets his “much-deserved” award

A little microphone fellatio from the champ

And that’s it for this edition. As I said, I’ll contribute to the Round Table this weekend (if we have one) and be back Tuesday, where hopefully I’ll be fine and back at work. Have a good one.

Join our newsletter

never miss the latest news, reviews, live event coverage, audio podcasts, exclusive interviews and commentary for Movies, TV, Music, Sports, Comics, Video Games!