Then again, all of my Mötley Crüe experience came from Crüe Ball for Sega Genesis.
My friend Shane, 1/12/05
Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the Super Sharpie permanent marker. One time, in college, we drew all over the face of this drunken guy who was passed out, and took pictures of it.
I wasn’t going to do it, but then I figured, “Why the hell not?” I recently bought about 15 new albums released in the past year to help get caught up. So, just hours after the InsidePulse Music Awards have dropped (as expected by most, Green Day and Kanye West were given their obligatory awards, and all I can say about To the 5 Boroughs is that I didn’t do it), here are the winners for the second annual Saturday Swindle Awards.
Rock Album
Arcade Fire, Funeral
Pop Album
Franz Ferdinand, Franz Ferdinand
Rap/Hip-Hop Album
Madvillain, Madvillainy
Electronic Album
M83, Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts
Punk Album
Tiger Army, III: Ghost Tigers Rise
Metal Album
Dillinger Escape Plan, Miss Machine
Blues Album
The Black Keys, Rubber Factory
Most Overrated Album
Kanye West, The College Dropout
Most Underrated Album:
Nekromantix, Dead Girls Don’t Cry
Best Song
Modest Mouse, “Float On”
Most Overrated Song
Usher, “Yeah!” [f/Ludacris, Lil Jon]
[The honors given in the preceding segment were solely awarded by The Saturday Swindle Sheet, and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of InsidePulse.com, the InsidePulse Music Section, Widro, Fingers, Elliot Smilowitz, or Michaelangelo McCullar. Didn’t see your favorite genre represented here? Chances are because I didn’t hear anything this year from that genre extensively enough to be able to give it an award. Sorry. Bite me.]
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
That_Bootleg_Guy can manage to look like Ken Griffey Jr. with a case of gigantism, and still get the ladies! Aaron, you’re so money.
Mathan is on common ground with me in terms of finding Lenny Kravitz to be about as insipid as communion wafers.
D’Estroyer thinks that Dave Mustaine is worthless hack who should retire from music forever. Well, not exactly. Just replace “D’Estroyer thinks” with “I think”, and “Dave Mustaine” with “Fred Durst”.
Gloomchen does an exceptional job calling out “Typical Metal Idiots,” although the “Typical Idiot” part can be used in conjunction with many other genres and still be typified in parallels in the boorishness of those who apply.
Gordi Whitelaw is still the f*cking guy, and will help you score with smart people. He will also help you brush up on your history, and your Czech!
NEWS TO USE
Grammy Award-winning R&B singer D’Angelo (né Michael Eugene Archer) was arrested in Richmond, Virginia, last Sunday on charges of drunk driving and drug possession after being pulled over by police for swerving and speeding. After performing a search of Archer’s vehicle, officers found marijuana and what they believed to be cocaine, although the substance still had to be tested. He is due in court on Tuesday, January 18th. You ladies out there will be happy to know that he will be shirtless!
50 Cent is catching heat after saying some unkind things about Jadakiss in a recent interview with XXL. Apparently he calls him out on his ability to sell records, saying, “When you can’t break a million records, and you call yourself going platinum … I know your numbers is 800 and change, and you can’t get over that hump? … And you haven’t put out a record with your voice on the chorus? He’s a great rapper, but he’s not a great songwriter. I got artists under me that are better than him.” Jadakiss is also infuriated after hearing that 50 Cent may or may not have referred to him as “looking like a rhinoceros.” 50 Cent also took aim at The Retarded DMX, saying, “I might sign Ja Rule when he’s done at Murder Inc. … After I destroy him, I’ll rebuild him, because he never was strong enough to individually go against me. One of the first things I might do is tell him to stop sounding like a retarded version of DMX.” Folks, I can’t make this stuff up!
Newly named Def Jam CEO Jay-Z has reportedly signed his close friend/protege Foxy Brown to the label after she had parted ways with Def Jam almost four years ago. He also told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that he had already made deals to also sign lucrative record deals with two of his three dogs, the guy who works the drive-thru at the White Castle on South Broadway in Yonkers, a bum who always sings “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” in the subway, his mom’s neighbor’s accountant’s sister’s best friend, and some girl who gave him “really good head back in ’97.”
Rita Marley, widow of the late Bob Marley, recently told reporters that she plans to have the singer’s remains moved to Ethiopia, which she referred to as his “spiritual resting place.” The town where Marley will be reburied, known as Shashemene, is home to one of the world’s largest Rastafarian contingents outside of Jamaica (where Marley is currently buried), and was founded there by Haile Selassie, Ethiopia’s last emperor, who also is credited with founding Rastafarianism. All members of Marley’s immediate family are devout followers of Rastafarianism.
The red dress which Gwen Stefani wore on the cover of No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom was stolen from an Orange County museum on Tuesday. The featured exhibit of which it was a part is a tribute to tock music in the county. The curator for the exhibit told reporters that the dress is worth an estimated $5000. Police are searching for two young women with backpacks whom witnesses placed at the scene of the crime around the time that the dress disappeared, but have so far made no arrests. According to a representative for Interscope, Stefani’s record label, the dress could be returned either via a drop box at the museum or at the office of No Doubt’s management, with no questions asked. The Saturday Swindle Sheet sent ace reporter Elliot Smilowitz to the headquarters of the Rebel Waltz management company in Laguna Beach, to speak with director of marketing Lisa Anderson…
Elliot: So has anyone turned in the dress yet?
Anderson: No, but we hope that by letting it be known that we don’t plan to ask any questions, that the perpetrators might be more inclined to give it up.
Elliot: So, no questions at all? Not even, “Why are you a f*cktard?”
Anderson: Um… no, we just want the dress back.
Elliot: Technically, though, if you had security hold the person until the police showed up, that wouldn’t be asking any questions.
Anderson: Yes, I suppose that’s correct, but the intent here is to…
Elliot: What if I stole it?
Anderson: Pardon me?
Elliot: Yeah, what if I told you right now that I had the dress in the trunk of my car. What would you do?
Anderson: I… I guess I’d ask you to return it.
Elliot: But that would be asking me a question! You said no questions asked.
Anderson: Sir, you’re missing the point here. We just want the dress back. No want to be perfectly clear that we don’t want a scene or a conflict. We just want the dress back so the exhibit can be complete.
Elliot: I have the dress in my car right now.
Anderson: Sir, please stop this.
Elliot: I started a feud with Michaelangelo McCullar.
Anderson: Who?
Elliot: You heard me.
After having fought for custody of her daughter for the past 15 months, Courtney Love was reunited with 12-year-old Frances Bean Cobain after a Los Angeles judge found that Love’s efforts to turn her life around after a drug overdose in 2003 have been productive. According to the singer’s attorney, the judge “indicated satisfaction in Ms. Love’s efforts to turn around her life and found it was in the best interests of mother and daughter to be reunited.” Frances Bean had been taken away from Love in October of 2003 after officials found that the girl had been present when her mother had overdosed on OxyContin. Courtney Love celebrated the reunion by making ice cream sundaes for her daughter and herself. Never one to disappoint, however, she then did whippits and acted goofy.
Singer Ricky Martin recently toured the town of Phuket, Thailand, which was devastated by the Indian Ocean tsunami, to see how he could help children who were orphaned by the disaster. The singer said that he’d like to put money into protecting children from gangs who kidnap and sell children for slave labor and even for sexual exploits. Martin said that he felt the need to speak on behalf of the children to raise awareness of the illegal networks that operate in the region. When a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet asked him, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, if he planned to perform in Thailand while in the region, he said, “I don’t think this time is about performing. It’s about understanding the needs of this town and creating a plan so that we can really do something… Plus, these people have suffered enough. The last thing I want to do is to put them through the further torture of listening to my songs.”
Quick Bits
Rapper Young Buck, of G-Unit, pleaded not guilty in court on Friday to an assault charge in which he is accused of stabbing a man during a melee at the Vibe awards last November.
Jefferson Airplane/New Riders of the Purple Sage drummer Spencer Dryden died on Tuesday, after a long battle with stomach cancer. He was 66.
Eminem got into a shouting match with The Source co-owner David Mays at a Detroit radio station after Mays made some inflammatory comments about the rapper. In other news, Benzino still sucks.
After dating for nearly two years, rapper Nas and R&B singer Kelis got married in Atlanta last Saturday.
Vince Neil, singer of the newly reunited Mötley Crüe, also got married last weekend, to girlfriend Lia Gerardini, at the Four Seasons in Las Vegas. MC Hammer, an ordained minister, wed the two.
Alicia Keys has signed on to perform “America the Beautiful” before the kickoff of Super Bowl XXXIX.
Ashlee Simpson may be a talentless shit of a performer, but I’d still totally do her.
Lou Rawls, 69, and his considerably younger wife had a kid this past week.
Snoop Dogg and Slipknot will each release a line of shoes (manufactured by Pony and Vision Street Wear, respectively) this spring. Snoop Dogg Doggy Biscuitz will feature four different designs, while Slipknot’s line will include five designs.
Art Alexakis, the lead singer of Everclear, filed for bankruptcy after having amounted over $3 million in debt to the Internal Revenue Service, the Oregon Department of Revenue, and multiple credit-card companies.
FROM THE LABELS
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Prince Alla, “Bucket Bottom”
Tom Jones, “It’s Not Unusual”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Temple of Love”
Liam Lynch, “My United States of Whatever”
Billy Joel, “For the Longest Time”
KMFDM, “Juke Joint Jezebel”
2Pac, “California Love” [f/Dr. Dre]
The White Stripes, “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground”
Elvis Presley, “It’s Now or Never”
Dead Kennedys, “Holiday in Cambodia”
Junior Murvin, “Police and Thieves”
Stone Temple Pilots, “Bing Bang Baby”
Hooverphonic, “2wicky”
Jimmy Cliff, “You Can Get It If You Really Want”
Michael Jackson, “Don’t Stop ’til You Get Enough”
U2, “Staring at the Sun”
The Dave Brubeck Quartet, “Take Five”
Skinny Puppy, “Smothered Hope” (Ogre and Mark Walk Rmx)
Leftfield, “Dusted” [f/Roots Manuva]
A Tribe Called Quest, “Bonita Applebum” (Sir Piers & Si Ashton’s Curious House Mx)
Dead Kennedys, “Police Truck”
Thompson Twins, “Hold Me Now”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
One-hit wonder Afroman has had his attorneys issue a cease-and-desist order to a man who has been billing himself as Afroman for the past month. According to representatives for the singer (né Joseph Foreman), Dol Ré has been booking performances and impersonating Afroman in an attempt to get money using the shtick. Little does Mr. Dol Ré know, Afroman has become a Christian, and now sings songs like this…
Afro went to church and said “I believe”
Universal loved Afro when he was on top
But when he became a Christian, that’s when he got dropped
But Jesus would comfort Afro when he prayed
Jesus said “Don’t worry bout that money
People download your music off the Internet anyway”
“Jackin’ Afroman”
The Most Ridiculous Items of 2004. Coming sooner than later. Bear with me, here.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I built this city on rock ‘n’ roll.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
