WWE Bottomline Report 15/1/05

WWE Bottomline – 15/1/05

-Hitting record and…..lets go to it. The WWE Logo! The credits! The bad bass! The mug shots and captions of Jericho and Trish still together! It must be Bottomline! And here’s Mark Loyd!

Those who saw New Years Revolution watched something more vicious than anything they’d ever seen. Yeah. Mark cuts us to the celebration at the beginning of Raw, and HHH celebrating in the ring with Evolution, and being cut off by Randy Orton. “Last night you pinned me in the Elimination chamber with Batista’s help after he’d been eliminated” Orton whines. “It’s clear Batista has your back, but it’s a shame you don’t have his. And I have the footage to prove it!” HHH doesn’t believe him and doesn’t need to see it, but Batista is a trite bit curious. “Wait just a minute. I think I’d like to see that footage.” Orton does commentary as we see clearly that HHH gets up and sits back down while Batista gets pinned. That’s pretty good planning, since the camera at New Years Revolution didn’t show that live. Batista, by far, has the best silent-yet-super-pissed-off face ever. HHH begins stepping on his words, but still manages a good excuse. “Do you see my head? Ten tons of steel! I lost a lot of blood! I tried to get up and help ya, but my knees buck…buckled up from under me. I’d a been there,” he says, “You know that.” Orton immediately refutes it, saying how HHH celebrated awfully consciously after the match, and here’s some more really great iconography, as Ric Flair gives the thumbs up with HHH on Batista’s shoulders. They’ve got some smart details so far. Shitty storyline, but smart details.

Anyways, this wraps up in a match between Orton and Batista in a number 1 contenders match. Orton demands a rematch for the World Heavyweight championship, but Bischoff hits his cue and does a great babyface move by pissing off the crowd by making Orton/Batista. During this, they announce that Orton’s agreement not to face HHH for the title was lifted when he lost the title. Ah, so it all makes sense now as to why he lost the title. It wasn’t to hotshot it to Edge or Batista (in storylines that might have led to interesting ramifications), but to have a logical reasoning to lift Orton’s ban on challenging for the title. Couldn’t he have just won a gauntlet match or something?

Later that night (you know, Raw last week), HHH in the back insists that Batista has his full support. “You deserve it” he says, in relating to get a title shot. Batista retorts by saying “Eventually, we all get what we deserve.” Man, Batista can even take bad Cliche’s and make them intimidating.

Up next, Hassan and Lawler just might go at it again!

-It’s gonna be Royal Rumble, tonight! Well, okay, in two weeks. It’s only tonight in Vince McMahan’s dreams! You know, the ones where he wakes up in a cold sweat. Where the hell is Linda, anyway?

Smackdown Live! Unpredictable action lies at the edge of your seat. Montreal, January 18th! Quebec, January 17th! Watch JBL and Orlando Jordon face the Undertaker in a Handicap casket match!

And now, the WWE rewind, brought to you by a video game about Raw. This week, it’s Hassan nailing the flatliner on Lawler at New Years Revolution.

Mark Loyd thinks Hassan doesn’t represent Arab Americans. Last Monday, Hassan gives a little acceptance speech. “Last night, I single handily dealt a blow to media America”. Since when is Lawler part of the American Media? Shouldn’t he be going after the editor of the New York Times or something instead? Anyways, the translator is the new “If I can be serious for a minute” and gets interrupted by level 2 of Hassan’s adventure in the WWE; the Hurricane. They cut basically right to the flatliner with Hassan getting the pin. I do like Hassan’s music, actually. Good beat. Back to Mark, and he says that someone needs to put an end to Hassan’s cruelty on Raw. I vote for HHH. That’d be fun.

Up next, Shelton and Maven make out. Or wrestle. You be the judge.

The draft. The divas. The domination. The dead. Actually, yeah, that sums up 2004 in the WWE pretty well. The magazine is out now.

Ooh, they’re selling 2003’s DVD at really low prices. You know, those classics like the Brock Lesner/Big Show stretcher match.

Hey, Mark Loyd is giving an update on his own freaking show! Kitchener, Jan 15th, Halifax, Jan 16th, Quebec, Jan 17th, and Montreal, Jan 18th. All Smackdown, of course, since this is a Raw show.

Welcome back, and we’re here at the Nassau coliseum, and they’re recapping the season 1 of the fantasy challenge on the website. The dude got to meet Lita and Shelton Benjamin and they got a World Championship replica for his troubles. He also got front row seats to a show. His name is Trevor.

Mark Loyd says that he plays the game too. Since he’s a l33t hardcore gamer, y’all.

Back to Raw, as we get Shelton Benjamin and Maven in a rematch of a rematch of a rematch (how many times did Maven get pinned on Sunday?), because the fans demanded it! Maven hits the chinlock, but it gets broken and Shelton punches back. Irish whip to a back body drop. Shelton hits the Stinger Splash! Spin kick on Maven leads to a T-bone suplex and gets the pin, and Shelton is going to the Royal Rumble to be thrown out by, oh, lets say Kane.

Up next, HHH will prove that he supports Batista.

Also, next week, Benoit Vs Jericho one on one! Snitsky and Kane, one on one! Historic!

Do you feel like smoking? Carry an icebox with you, with a pack of Nicorette gum inside.

Hey, Raw is there in Winnipeg Jan 16th, and in Toronto for Raw on the 17th. All these shows advertised are for next week. Shouldn’t they be advertising shows slightly further away?
And now, the WWE slam of the week. It’s Lita’s drop on the floor where she shatters her knee. Mark tells us that she tore an ACL, and she’ll be out for months. Shit. This means more pillow fights. Dammit. Also, Eugene tore his ACL too, and he’ll be out for a few months too.

Anyways, we see Chistian and Tomko against Benoit and Jericho. Tomko clothelines Benoit and he just falls like a tree, man. Still, he counters the next attempt into a german suplex, and Benoit gets tha hot tag and there’s a few chops to Tomko. Irish whip into a flying forearm. Second rope dropkick on Christian, bulldog on Tomko, Lionsault attempt misses and Tomko does his lift-drop thing that isn’t really a move, but Benoit breaks it up. Mis-communication between Christian and Tomko leads to a Crossface at the same time as Jericho hits the walls of Jericho on Tomko. They tap at the same time! So this naturally leads to Benoit and Jericho on Monday! What?

Up next, we all know what freak Simon is talking about.

Hey, if you get the royal rumble, you can get the rematch of Heidenreich and Undertaker in a casket match. The last time they did one of those at a Royal Rumble, Shawn Michaels got his career cut short. I have a feeling Shawn Michaels will not be injured this time around though. Age makes you take less risks, after all.

Can’t get enough WWE excitement? Don’t just get the phone, get the cheap Zellers DVDs, like the HHH/Kevin Nash EPIC in the Cell. 9 bucks.

Then, there’s that ad for the new guy, Chris Masters (the Masterpiece) who is lamely ripping off Lex Luger. It’d be funny if they played it for irony, though. I always thought the Blue Meanie could pull something like that off.

Mark tells us that Raw and Smackdown are coming to Japan for the first time ever! You know, except that last time two years ago. Hell, they actually show CLIPS of when they were last there. Jesus.

So, last Monday, Simon Dean couldn’t wait either. Well, to promote his new pill, anyway. “I don’t have enough to give out to all of you disgusting behemoths” and he allusions to someone over 300 pounds, someone who’s known to wear a mask to come out from the back. So, the one guy who fits that profile comes out. Kane is of course unmasked and looking thinner than ever, but whatever. Well, I guess if Hardcore Holly is a Superheavyweight, then why not? Kane actually eats a pill, but doesn’t like it. So he forces Simon to eat one, but then gives him a few punches instead. Irish whip leads to Dean getting some fun no sold offence, and Kane goes for the bag. He pulls out the weight belt, but Dean kicks it out of him. Kane goes for the chokeslam, but Snitsky comes out and levels Kane with a steel chair. The violence that proceeds is apparently too violent for 6pm on a Saturday on channel 53 when nobody but me is watching. Aw, they’re protecting my innocence. That’s nice of them. Anyways, Snitsky and Kane next Monday.

Up next, Shawn Michaels makes fun of Canadians.

Next weeks shows! – Raw live – Friday, Abilene Texas. Monday, Tyler Texas, and on Tuesday they’ll be in Tulsa. That’s an interesting flight plan. Ontario to Texas. I wonder what Michigan thinks about this?

Back to the show, as Mark shows us WWE.com, and thanks the fans of Peurto Rico and those who ordered the ppv. Edge has had a few issues with Shawn Michaels as of late (well, ok, he’s actually had problems with Chris Benoit and the lack of a World title, but whatever). So he does the logical thing and fights Rhyno. Hey, they have the same finishing move! That’s so freaking boring! They cut out Rhyno’s attempted Gore and goes right to Edge’s spear. Edge hits the edgecution (which is a pretty neat reverse-sharpshooter that I’m glad he brought back), and gets the submission. Edge grabs the mic and complains about getting screwed at the ppv. He’s sick and tired of Shawn Michaels’…what, primadonna qualities? Jesus loving merchandise? Happy go lucky American attitude? What? Oh, Taboo Tuesday, right. Shawn eventually responds, and gives a really awesome promo about forgetting the past and looking to the future. “Don’t win yourself a spot in the Royal Rumble, win the whole thing twice!” Good logic. Unfortunately, they cut out the ad-lib with the Canadians in the front row. Edge responds by getting in a few cheap shots after hinting some serious retrospection. They brawl into the crowd and out into the Lobby. Wow, it’s been a long time since they’ve fought in the merch stand, and they bang it up pretty good, too.

I could totally see Jericho in the back saying “Wasn’t I in this angle two years ago? Jesus, they’re using the exact same script!”

Up next, Evolution is a tight night unit! “Are they really King? Are they really?”

And the Wrestlemania Recall. This time, it’s Butterbean from Wrestlemania 15, but they dim the lights to make it look like Wrestlemania 2.

Just when you thought life couldn’t get better, Pizza Pizza has a new pizza that comes with 5 tasty toppings like Pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers, extra cheese, and Christy Hemme.

They’ve lowered the amount of GTA ads down to exactly one this hour. I hope that doesn’t mean that they’ve given up on the idea of anyone buying that game. Poor Rockstar.

The song you can’t hear because Mark Loyd is talking over it is “Find the real” by Altar Bridge, and it’s the theme song for the Royal Rumble. It sounds something similar to dog turd wrapped in the promotion for TNA’s Final Resolution.

Last week, as advertised, Randy Ortons soul refuses to die when Batista bodyslams him. Randy fights back with punches, but Batista hits a spinebuster. Wrestling > Punching, every time. Batista attempts the Demon Bomb, but Orton counters with a DDT. Still, Batista actually gets to his feet first, and runs at Orton, who ducks out of the way and gets back to the punching. He stomps one of them mudholes, and stops for a second to knock Flair off the apron. Orton hits the inverted backbreaker, but Flair is distracting the referee. Orton attempts the RKO, but Batista counters by stepping back one step. HHH gets up on the apron and tells Batista to ram Orton into his steel chair. Batista refuses the help just long enough for Orton to shove Batista into the steel chair and roll him up for the pin! So, that means that Randy Orton is the number one contender and will face HHH at, likely, the Royal Rumble.

Mark Loyd takes a second to actually be humbled by the fact that all these wrestlers had to fight in the Elimination chamber the night before and all showed up and boy are they tough. Also, they’ll have to order double security for Shawn and Edge. That’s all there is to talk about this week on Bottomline, and what do you know? We’re out of time. Credits roll and I’ll see you next week.

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