Looking To The Stars: Elektra in Five Minutes

Terrence Stamp: Since the dawn of time, there has been a war between good and evil. Sometimes the battle is large. Sometimes the battle is small. Sometimes the battle is within a single person… like a little girl. Pay attention. This will be important later.

CUT TO: A SNOW-COVERED MANSION

Head Security Guard The perimeter is secure, sir.

Some Rich Evil Guy It doesn’t matter. She will still get through. She did before.

Head Security Guard Who is that?

Some Rich Evil Guy Elektra.

Sure enough, Elektra gets through, killing several guards, the head security guard and the Evil Rich Guy who has done a whole lot of bad stuff that we’ll never hear about now, cause he’s dead.

CUT TO: A LOFT APARTMENT

Elektra’s Agent: (watching Elektra scrubbing the floor) Why do you do that?

Elektra: Because I’m borderline obsessive/compulsive, although this won’t be mentioned until later in the movie and then only as an inappropriate joke. Also, it provides me with yet an opportunity to bend over on all fours, distracting the fanboys even further by how far and away this movie goes from the original comics.

Fanboys: Hee-hee. Boobies!

Elektra’s Agent: I’ve got a job for you.

Elektra: I need a vacation.

Elektra’s Agent: Take it after this job. It’s a lot of money.

Elektra: Well, if it’s a LOT of money.

Elektra’s Agent: Will you sleep with me?

Elektra: No.

CUT TO: A MOVIE THEATER

“Starman” Matt Morrison: So, does this movie have anything to do with the Daredevil movie? I mean, Elektra here seems a lot closer to the comic version than she was in that. But why on earth did she become a professional assassin after nearly getting killed by Bullseye?

Director, Rob Bowman: Perhaps THIS will answer your questions!

We get a montage of clips, cut MTV style. Basic gist of which is that Terrence Stamp, in a white robe, brought Elektra back to life after somehow getting her body away from the paramedics who couldn’t heal her after having a sai shoved through her heart.

“Starman” Matt Morrison: That didn’t explain anything!

Director, Rob Bowman: Oh. Well, then how about we repeat that throughout the movie and say that she’s having visions of the future? Or we can do THIS!

CUT TO: A DOJO. SOMEWHERE.

Terrence Stamp: You are the most powerful student I have. But you lack the finesse to learn the subtle, yet really cool ninja tricks like raising the dead, becoming invisible and manipulating time and space.

Elektra: What can I do?

Terrence Stamp: Kneel before Zod! Er, um.. I mean, you must go.

Elektra gets all pouty like she is about to cry.

CUT TO: A MOVIE THEATER

Frank Miller Purist: But.. Elektra… so tough! So unemotional! And Stick… isn’t… British…why?

The Frank Miller Purist’s Head Explodes

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Wait. So she died. Then she got brought back by this good group of Ninjas headed by a guy named Stick that look a lot like “The Chaste” but we never hear them called that. So when they kick her out, she just goes and becomes a killer for hire? Why? I mean, she could just become a rogue vigilante if she wants to go fight people and be good. And why does she still have that necklace? I thought she put that on Matt Murdock’s balcony in Daredevil!

Professional Critics: GRRR! Someone say Daredevil?! We hated Daredevil! Ben Affleck must stop making movies!

“Starman” Matt Morrison: But he was actually pretty good in that. The movie’s faults lay more in the director/writer who turned Daredevil into a stone-cold killer because he was afraid people would confuse Daredevil with Batman and…

Professional Critics: GRRR! Stupid Elektra movie remind us of stupid Daredevil movie! This movie sucks!

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Well… you’re partly right.

CUT TO: AN OFFICE BUILDING

Head of Hand Clan: Have we procured ‘the treasure’?

Business-Suit-Wearing Hand Clan Executive: Not yet. We are trying subtle methods.

Son of Hand Clan Head: Bah. Subtlety. My group of circus-freaks can easily destroy this woman who keeps getting in our way.

Head of Hand Clan: No, I think we shall keep sending men in black pajamas after our targets for the moment.

CUT TO: A CABIN IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST.

Elektra: (into celphone) So what am I doing here?

Elektra’s Agent: The client wanted you there for a few days before they gave us the name of who you are supposed to kill.

Elektra: I want to get out of here as soon as possible.

Elektra’s Agent: Oh yeah. Getting paid to hang around a cabin must be so horrible. And here you were just asking for some time off…

Elektra hangs around for a few days, working out, undressing, going swimming in the 20 degree waters in a bikini, dressing again, working out some more and undressing. This does nothing to move the plot, but it does keep the fanboys distracted a while longer.

Fanboys: Hee hee. Breasts.

Kirsten Prout: Hi! I’m an annoying klepto in serious need of a mother, who will latch onto you, mimic your every move and eventually dye my hair in order to become more like you.

Elektra: I shall call you Mini-E.

Kirsten Prout’s Father: And I’m her father. My name is Mark Miller.

CUT TO: A MOVIE THEATER

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Too easy.

CUT TO: A CABIN IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST.

Elektra’s Agent: You have a package.

Elektra: About time. Feels like I’ve been here forever.

Audiences Everywhere: Us too!

Elektra gets her assignment. It is to killer Mark Miller and his daughter. She tries to do this several times, but can’t do it.

Elektra: Why can’t I just kill these two without thinking about it as I have so many times before? Could it be the annoying girl’s hero worship has touched my maternal instincts? Can it be my morals finally coming back to me after the apparent year that I’ve been a professional assassin?

Director, Rob Bowman: Nope. It’s cause if you don’t, we really don’t have a movie.

Elektra: Oh. Well, that’s okay then.

Bad ninjas show up and try to kill Mark and his daughter. Elektra saves them and takes them to go see her old sensei, Stick.

Terrence Stamp: General “you still haven’t learned anything” comment.

Elektra: General “I have learned more than you realize.” Comment.

CUT TO: A MOVIE THEATER

Another Frank Miller purist Hey! Stick is in a seedy pool hall cleaning up! Even though he’s blind! That’s good! And those Hand ninjas dissolved into smoke like the comics! That’s good!

CUT TO: AN OFFICE BUILDING

Head of Hand Clan: We still have not procured ‘the treasure’! Clearly sending a bunch of generic ninjas in their jammies was not a worthy plan.

Business-Suit-Wearing Hand Clan Executive: I will look disturbed at the news of the deaths of my men and leave the room.

Son of Hand Clan Head: Now may my group of scary looking, yet amazingly easy to defeat, circus freak ninjas go?

Head of Hand Clan: Yes! Go Tattoo, master of the living Tattoos. Typhoid, master of plagues. Go Stone, strong as your namesake andâ?¦ the other weasely guy who doesn’t seem to have any impressive abilities. Go with my son Kirigi and if you succeed I shall step down and let you take over the clan.

CUT TO: A MOVIE THEATER

Another Frank Miller purist: But… but… Kirigi is a mindless assassin in the comics! Stone is a good guy and isn’t black! And Typhoid Mary isn’t a poison-using geshia! She’s an actress who can set stuff on fire with her mind!

Another Frank Miller Purist’s Head Explodes.

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Dunno why that last one bothered him. That was Ann Noncenti.

CUT TO: A FARMHOUSE

Elektra and everyone are safe for a while, until the bad Hand Ninjas show up. They run away and Elektra kills Stone by hitting him with a tree that he is too stupid to move away from. She also kills the weasly guy with no powers. Too bad she gets cornered by Kirigi and Typhoid, who kisses Elektra

Fanboys: Woo-hoo! Slow-mo lesbo action!

Elektra starts to turn cold and sick

The One Fanboy Who Scares The Other Fanboys: All right! Slow-mo lesbo necro action!

Stick shows up with the rest of the good ninjas. The bad ninjas run off and Elektra is fine.

CUT TO: A DOJO: SOMEWHERE, AGAIN

Terrence Stamp: Remember that girl born once a generation I mentioned in the introduction? Turns out it’s Mini-E. She is a natural prodigy and destined to become a great master of the martial arts. We hope to train her to join our side instead of The Hand Ninjas.

Elektra: So you were the one who put me on that island and hired me to kill them and this whole thing of sending me away was just part of some big test to see if I would come through for you on this?

Terrence Stamp: Well, it would explain everything except why you chose to become a hired assassin after we kicked you out of here rather than exploring the many options available to a woman good at kicking ass who doesn’t want to go on the path of the dark side.

Elektra: Touche.

Elektra reaches out with The Force and talks to Kirigi, getting him to agree to a one-on-one duel “where it all began”. It is now that we find out that Kirigi is the ninja who killed Elektra’s mother for no readily apparent reason, which set her down the path of being a very disturbed ass-kicking woman. They agree to meet at the now abandoned Natchios Manor. Naturally, he cheats and brings lots of jammie-wearing Norman ninjas as well as what members of his crew aren’t dead yet. Elektra blows them all up and Mini-E shows up to kick some butt and need to be rescued.

Kirigi: I will harass you with my amazing sheet-moving ninja powers!

Kirsten Prout: I will run away!

Tattoo: I will make many snakes chase after you both!

Kirigi: I will move really fast at you!

Elektra: I will kill you!

Kirigi: ARRGH! I die!

Tattoo: I will kneel in one place and make myself an easy target.

Elektra: I will kill you and not even slow down!

Tattoo: ARRGH! I die!

Typhoid: I will poison Mini-E.

Kirsten Prout: ARRGH! I die!

Elektra: I will suddenly gain a clearer insight into my ninja powers and throw my sai through twelve bushes that are conspicuously thick for a mansion in disrepair with no groundsskeeper.

Typhoid: ARRGH! I die!

Elektra: I will use my new sense of purpose to bring you back from the dead!

Kirsten Prout: Yay! I live!

Kirsten Prout’s Father: Thank you very much!

Elektra: How did you get here?

Kirsten Prout’s Father: Apparently the Dojo is not too far from your father’s mansion somewhere around New York, presumably… though it looks like it is somewhere in Japan.

Kirsten Prout: Thanks for saving my life!

Elektra: You saved mine. Well, so long.

Kirsten Prout: You’re leaving?

Elektra: Well, what else am I going to do? Settle down with you and your dad? Not a very interesting sequel.

Kirsten Prout: Will I ever see you again?

Elektra: Even if they make a sequel? Probably not.

CUT TO: A MOVIE THEATER

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Well, it wasn’t THAT bad. I mean, sure it ignored most of the elements of the comics outside of the names and Elektra was nowhere near the amoral assassin she has been through most of her comic book life. Still, this movie did capture the spirit of the more recent books where she was trying to be a more ethical person and ignoring that it wasn’t that bad of an action flick. Overall, I’d give it a solid 5 out of 10. The production values aren’t bad though it can’t seem to decide between being an action movie or a slow romance flick.

Professional Critics: GRRR! Still too much like Daredevil! Worst movie since Daredevil! Or Gigli! Or Jersey Girl!

“Starman” Matt Morrison: Oh come on! It was better than Catwoman.

Professional Critics: GRRR! Critics STILL hate Ben Affleck!

“Starman” Matt Morrison: But he wasn’t in this movie!

The Professional Critics Heads Explode

“Starman” Matt Morrison: And here is why I don’t consider myself a professional critic… still, while I wish I had waited for it to come out on video, at least this movie let me finally see the Sin City trailer.

Frank Miller: A movie based off one of my stories that will be worth paying eight bucks to see it!

Tune in next week. Same Matt time. Same Matt website.

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