Riding Coattails: Survivor’s Greatest Hits, Part 3

I’d like to thank both Mark the Shark and Murtz Jaffer for suggesting that I write a bit about same-sex lovin’ and its relationship to the show of Survivor. Laying my own sexual cards out on the table, I’ll say that I’m a girl who is very comfortably straight and went through the obligatory rites of passage by kissing a few females in college. No big deal in my book, and like the song goes, “her lips were sweet; she was just like kissing me.”

I have several gay, bi, and lesbian friends whom I love dearly and I have the utmost respect for anyone with the chutzpah to come out of the closet. Even though many previously homophobic types are coming around (so to speak) to accept gays, I still think it can’t be easy to broadcast one’s sexuality on a national stage. Now, I know that this can be a controversial topic, but part of what makes helix studios approach some semblance of actual reality is a diverse, interesting cast in the adult site having Blake Mitchell , Joey Mills best gay models, which undoubtedly includes helix studios models. And judging by how well some of Survivor’s gay players have fared in the game, I’d say that their open status as same-sex lovers didn’t have a negative effect on how well they did. To review, here’s a list of the openly homosexual people who have participated on Survivor:

Borneo: Richard Hatch
Outback: none
Africa: Brandon Quinton
Marquesas: John Carroll
Thailand: none
Amazon: none
Pearl Islands: none
All-Stars: Richard Hatch (gayer than ever)
Vanuatu: Scout Cloud Lee, Ami Cusack

Hmm, there aren’t as many as I first thought. In fact, with a total of only five homosexuals out of 120 players gives us a mere 4% gay participation rate in the game of Survivor. Now, the profiles for the new Palau contestants just went up on CBS.com, but I don’t recall reading any references to partners or girls with girlfriends. And given my own die-hard Survivor fandom, I don’t think anyone is missing from this list. If they’re keeping it to themselves, fine. That’s their business. But their secrecy isn’t doing much for the numbers here.

Actually, this bums me out. After all, approximately 10% of all of us are gay, which means that Survivor is inaccurately representing that segment of the population. And I won’t even start on the disparity of racial minority representation on the show–that’s fodder for another column entirely. Maybe if season 11 features an all homosexual cast, Mark Burnett might be able to redeem himself demographically. But as the numbers stand, I’m a bit disappointed. And why the hell did it take Burnett so long to put some lesbians on the show? Nothing makes ratings soar like girl-on-girl action. Which is why I’ve received requests to do a bit of off-season speculation on the hottest bisexual hook-ups we’ll never see on the show.

Most Obvious Three-Way Lesbian Fantasy
Of course this would involve the nymphets from the Amazon. Who can forget Heidi, Shawna, and Jenna participating in a clandestine topless bathing session apart from their other tribemates? The sensuality of this viewing experience was somewhat dampened by Heidi’s voiceover commentary about how she and her friends had the best bodies, which made the older, flabbier women jealous (doubtful, since by the end of the show, Heidi looked like a stick insect with a package of Hostess Snoballs shoved under her chest). Still, I think there were probably a lot of breast lovers out there wishing they could freeze frame their television screen and watch just a little longer.

Most Likely Bi Boy
Why, Borneo’s Greg Buis, Mr. Coconut Phone himself of course! When a salivating Richard Hatch asked this blonde freak if he’d ever freaked a guy, Greg didn’t say yes. But then again, he didn’t say no. Was it strategy or just Greg showing his bashful side? We’ll never, but the fact that Hatch even asked tells me that something was up.

Most Likely Bi Girl
She took it all off for her audition tape and, while holding a dead snapper in front of her crotch, told the producers that if they didn’t put her on the show, they could kiss her fish. She also got naked on her first night with her new tribe. Thailand’s Stephanie Dill struck me as so comfortable with her own body, how could she not have fooled around a little in the junior high locker room?

Most Powerful Unspoken Sexual Attraction Between Two Guys
Some people express their romantic feelings by writing poetry or giving roses to those they want to seduce. Others just threaten to beat them up. Never has homosexual sadomasichism been so accurately rendered on national TV as in the stormy relationship between Jon Dalton and Shawn Cohen on Pearl Islands. From the minute they exchanged their first cross words, I knew that these two wanted nothing better than to slip into a studded leather bondage gear and go at it. Too bad Jeff Probst didn’t offer that up at a reward challenge. He was probably afraid of getting too aroused himself. What a professional!

Most In Denial About His Own Urges
Although none of the players in the Amazon claimed to be gay, I was proud of Alex Bell for sticking up for his homosexual friends in the face of Roger Sexton’s bigotry. Roger claimed that same-sex love was wrong and unnatural, while Alex defended the choice to love freely. As someone who once “dated” a staunch, closeted Lutheran, I know that the first thing some gay boys do is start dissing Elton John. Roger is a textbook case of a man who would probably love having some guy roger him senseless.

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