My T.V. Reality

Welcome to another addition of My TV Reality where I’m slowly learning how to use html so that this column will at least look semi-professional.

OTHER SCHTUFF

As I mentioned last week in this very column, Friday was my 22nd birthday. Met my best friend Christine at the bus terminal at 10:00 A.M. went to the supermarket where she bought me a cake, a box of truffles(in this gorgeous heart-shaped velvet box) and two pints of Ben and Jerry’s- Cherry Garcia for me and Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch for her(which she never had, so it’s mine, all mine!!). She also bought me a Barbie balloon with our favorite doll holding hands with Ken in wedding outfits and a copy of Seventeen
magazine.Being a poet, I found symbolism in both.

First off, as you may or may not now, but Barbie broke up with Ken sometime ago. On the balloon, which is heart-shaped by the way, they’re standing together hand in hand. They look so good together, and now it’s over. All over. It’s hard to adjust to. It’s like finding out Minnie slit her wrists because Mickey’s an abusive alcoholic, or catching Archie in the broom closet with Mr. Svenson. The innocence of childhood is fleeting, and the very things I could always rely on are slowly falling a part. Enjoy your happiness while you can Archie and Mickey!!

And speaking of innocence fleeting, as me and Christine we’re giggling and flipping through Seventeen magazine while waiting for the bus to take us home from the supermarket. It’s probably the gay half of me taking over, but I’ve always gotten a kick out this pubescent periodical. Embarassing stories of leaky tampons and quizzes on how hot boys are amuse me to no end. But in this particular issue there was a story about a guy murdering his dad. And a poll revealing statistics about anal and oral sex. Isn’t there enough bloodshed in the tampon stories? Do we need this? I’m not saying teenage girls shouldn’t read about people getting killed or f*cked in the ass, but c’mon, does it have to be here? Are we going to have to start tracing chalk outlines in Highlights magazine?

So after seeing the two vestiges of the last vestiges of my youth shattered like Kevin Nash’s knees, we went home and had a good time. Christine actually made my birthday feel significant. She had to leave for work at 3:00, so the rest of the day was spent reading comics and going to Dunkin Donuts to get my free breakfast 7:00 P.M. which I had to fight for.

Not the best or worst birthday, but one to remember. Now on to…..

THE COLUMN PROPER

Last week I started running through some of the more memorable (And forgettable) cancelled primetime shows of 2004. This week I’m just going to finish the year out. Enjoy!

Miss Match NBC- An abominable performance as Batgirl in the equally abominable Batman and Robin will always keep me from liking anything specifically tailored for Alicia Silverstone, an actress whose best roles were in Aerosmith music videos where she didn’t have to speak.

Whoopi NBC- A show with an Arab American character that portrays him as a wisecracker with terrorist ties. Way to expand peoples minds, NBC. With both her sitcom and Hollywood Squares getting axed, and also losing her Slim Fast endorsement, this has been the worst year for Whoopi since Theodore Rex came out.

The Tracy Morgan Show NBC – I bet he regrets leaving SNL now. That is unless he watches it.

Ed NBC – No more joy in Stuckeyville. My mom and stepfather liked this show a lot for it’s sweetness and small-town characters, two things that don’t last unless their featured on the WB and feature preening adolescents who have two skills: Mugging the camera incessantly with bland expressions of utter confusion and posing, posing, posing!!!

Hack CBS – For the first time in the history of television, a show named for the type of person who would create it. Can I get a zing?

The District and The Guardian, Both CBS- Now I don’t have to worry which is which any more.Does that mean I have to get a life now? Aw crud.

Becker, CBS- I dug this show for the first few years, and thought the idea of Ted Danson as a cynical asshole doctor was brilliant castingBut the romance started taking over the show and it became too syrupy for my tastes, besides you can only do so many blind jokes. I’d still recommend the first two seasons. This show was House without the gruesome plots and hyper-kinetic effects.

Line of Fire ABC – David Paymer as a crime boss. Wait, let me say that again: DAVID PAYMER AS A CRIME BOSS. That’d be like casting John Wayne as Genghis Khan. Thank god no one ever did that….

Method and Red Fox- It’s like the Beverly Hillbillies but with violent black people!! Method and Red set race relations forward by proving shitty sitcoms aren’t exclusively for white people. Them and Bill Cosby.

Who Wants to Marry My Dad? NBC – I used to ask this question all the time until I realized the only people that ever responded were Russian whores. This show could have used some of them. As could have Arliss.

The Benefactor ABC- This show was disorganized and unprofessional. The absolute definition of an ego trip. I’m not a big fan of The Apprentice but at least that show has a purpose. You might learn a few introductory things about the marketing and business world. This show? You’ll learn that not even millions of dollars can buy you ratings.

Hawaii NBC- It’s Hawaii 5-0. That’s the name of the show, the number of weeks it was on, and the amount of people who saw it.

Commando Nanny WB- Another ego trip, this time by reality show guru, Mark Burnett who thought his personal experiences would make for a good sitcom. I don’t even think this show made it past the cutting room floor. Stick to reality Mark, even if your shows make me question it.

Clubhouse CBS- My sister watched this show religiously, so I’m kind of sad to see it go. To be honest, she only watched it for lead actor Jeremy Sumpter (How many times did you watch Peter Pan, Jenna?) The good news about that is that her crush on him is over and she’s found another teenage heartthrob in Colin Farrel, a guy half her age. Not that that’d stop him.

Grounded For Life WB- Cancelled for good. Fox wasn’t good enough for you? You just had to leave them and try to find success on the WB??!! That doesn’t make any sense.

L.A.X. NBC- I only regret the loss of this show because our own Didey Falcone was a fan of it, and she’s cool buy my book, and writes one of the sites most endearing columns. I think shows getting cancelled is a lot like people dying. If you know someone personally affected by the tragedy, than you take a moment to give respect and hope they can cope through it. If not, you wait a second to see if the coast is clear and make as many tasteless jokes as possible. Since I’ve found no fans of A Minute With Stan Hooper I can guiltlessly laugh. God, what were they thinking giving Norm another sitcom after the disaster thgat was his first one on ABC.

See you next week and stay tuned to movies, where I should be making my debut as a reviewer later this week and also check out my pal Brian’s list of cancelled shows.

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