Behind The Beautiful Thing: Evolution


Behind The Breakup: How I See Batista Leaving Evolution

This was originally posted on the forums. By popular request, I’m reprinting it here. Next week, I’m going to write something new, most likely about Japanese Wrestling. Thank you all for your patience.

: After a series of staggering defeats, Evolution assembled in the backstage area in March 2005 for a meeting with famed manager Classy Fred Blassie. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.

Blassie: Alright, you pencil neck geeks, I think we’re ready to lay this first match out. By the way, my name is Fred Blassie. Yes, the Fred Blassie. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite ring chemistry!

HHH: Coming from you, Fred, that means a lot.

Batista: Yeah. I mean, you’re Fred Blassie!

Ric Flair: It’s… wooo!

Batista: I can’t believe Fred Blassie digs our workrate!

Blassie: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you – one leg at a time. Except, my pants are bright red and covered in rhinestones. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. “WrestleMania Main Event” – take one. [ exits into the Gorilla Position ]

[ the group begins the match. Flair struts around, HHH spits the water, and Batista lays HHH out with a Demon Bomb. ]

: [ angry ] Okay! Wait! Wait! [ everyone stops ] Fred, could you come in here for a minute, please?

Blassie: [ stepping out of the Gorilla Position ] That was gonna be a great match. Guys, what’s the deal?

HHH: Are you sure that was going okay?

Blassie: I’ll be honest.. you pencil necked geek, it was going great. But.. I could’ve used a little more Demon Bomb. So.. let’s take it again.. and, Dave…

Batista: Yeah?

Blassie: Really explore the ring this time. I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I’m seeing.

[ the match starts again, with Batista Demon Bombing HHH more fiercely than before. In the booth, Blassie is smiling to keep from laughing. ]

HHH: Okay, wait! Stop! I’m sorry. Fred, could you come back in here, please?

Blassie: [ stepping out of the booth ] You pencil neck geek, grit-eatin’ freak, scum sucking pea head with a hulking physique.. That last one was even better than the first!

HHH: Well, it’s just that I find Dave’s Demon Bombing distracting! If I’m the only one, I’ll shut up.

Ric Flair: It was kind of.. wooo!

: You know, I could pull back a little. If you’d like.

: Not too much, though! Fellas, I’m telling you – you’re gonna want that Demon Bomb in the match!

Batista: You know what? It’s fine. Let’s just do this thing.

[ they start the match up again. Batista immediately tries to Demon Bomb HHH again. ]

HHH: [ fighting Batista ] Come on, people!

Blassie: [ walking out of the Gorilla Position again ] That.. that doesn’t work for me. I gotta have more Demon Bomb!

Flair: [ grabs Batista’s shirt ] Don’t blow this for us, Dave!

HHH: Yeah, quit being so selfish, Dave!

Batista: Can I just say one thing?

Blassie: Say it, baby. Say it.

Batista: I’m standing here, staring at Classy Fred Blassie!

Blassie: The Hollywood fashion plate, baby!

Batista: And if Fred Blassie wants more Demon Bomb, we should probably give him more Demon Bomb!

Blassie: Say it, baby!

Batista: And, Hunter, you are right – I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don’t have a whole lot of matches that don’t end with a Pedigree.

Blassie: I gotta have more Demon Bomb, baby!

Batista: ..and I’ll be doing myself a disservice — and every member of this faction, if I don’t Demon Bomb the hell out of you.

: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more Demon Bomb!

: Thanks, Fred. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I’ll come back later, and you guys can lay out the match.. [ starts to leave the arena ]

Blassie: They say, ‘these geeks come a dime a dozen.’ I’m lookin’ for the guy who’s supplyin’ the dimes.

HHH: Dave, wait! Why don’t you lay out that match right now. With us. Together.

[ everyone agrees ]

Batista: Do you mean that, Hunter?

Ric Flair: He speaks for all of us.

[ pregnant pause ]

Ric Flair: Wooo!

Batista: Thank you.

Blassie: Babies.. before we’re done here.. you’ll all have had your chance to wear the Big Ole’ Gold Belt.

Flair: [ suspicious ] What does that mean?

Blassie: Never question Fred Blassie!

[ apparently elated, Batista lifts HHH onto his shoulders. Blassie takes a couple of steps towards the Gorilla Position, stops, turns slowly, and gives Batista the “thumbs down” signal. Close-up on Batista as he drops HHH into Demon Bomb position. Freeze-frame with graphic: “In Memoriam: Evolution: 2004-2005” ]

Gotta Fevah? The only cure is MORE MUSIC COLUMNS!

Gloomchen can’t let go! Or can she?

Fernandez gives out his awards!

Cameron makes fun of Ice Cube and Mr. Blackwell in the same column!

Mathan explains why he dislikes Lenny Kravitz!

D’Errico digs metal!

Gloomchen explains metal!


Gordi rips off the same damn SNL sketch twice in one week!


Eric S. marks out for Schroedinger’s cat!

Hevia cheats on RAW!

FLEA is doin’ it for the cause!

Biscuiti is guilty, but pleasurable!

Andy gets into wrestling!

Ditch rules!

Thanks for reading!