WWE Bottomline Report – 22/1/05
WWE logo. We’re number 1! There is no number 2!
Really awesomely put together video of Raw from two weeks ago. Randy demands a rematch, Eric makes a #1 contenders match, Randy wins, HHH isn’t happy, yada yada yada.
Bottomline Credits. The music is still a basic loop from protools, but hey, it’s still better than WCW worldwide! What happened to that show, anyway?
Mark Loyd says hey. Hey mark! The rumble is next freaking Sunday! And it only comes once a year! Other than that 15 man rumble that happens on Smackdown after a Raw guy wins the rumble, anyway. Or will it be the other way around this year? Mark reminds us that Randy is 24 and has held the world title, and it skips to Randy coming out on Raw this past Monday in Toronto. “Everything I worked so hard for was taken away from me by one man….HHH. And I want it all back. I want my blood and I want my title!” Really oddly awesome promo by Orton. He’s interrupted by HHH, and Lawler mentions the Toronto bizarro crowd, even though you can’t really hear the crowd for either of them. “You know orton, I used to think you were something, I really did. But that was before you turned your back on Evolution. And you’ve suffered for it, haven’t you? And you’re gonna suffer some more. I’m a TEN TIME HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. That means I’ve beaten them all. Austin, Rock, Foley, Kane, HBK, Jericho, Nash…” Orton interrupts “Man, this is the same speech you’ve been giving for 6 years! We get it! You’re good. Congratulations.” HHH responds by saying “I’m sick of saying it too, and everything I do, some young punk comes up and tries to shut me up, but I’m the only one standing by the end of it.” Orton asks him to prove it again, and HHH looks like he’s going to, but says “You see Orton, I don’t come to you. You come to me. See you at the Royal Rumble, Kid.” and walks out. Orton goes after him, but gets clocked! HHH pummels him down the rampway and rams him into the steel stairs! They cut to the steel chair. Orton counters and lands a few punches. Flair comes in but gets a back body drop. Orton grabs the chair, but HHH bails, so Orton hits the ring with the chair a few times.
This cuts to HHH ranting backstage and getting into his dressing room, and Batista walks out. “I was thinking about last weeks match” and HHH seems worried. “I’m gonna go talk to Bischoff,” Batista says, “It’s got something to do with the Royal Rumble, and the world title.” “My…my world title?” “There’s only one world title. I’ll talk to you later.” and he walks off in his ridiculously pimping outfit.
Up next, La resistance are the tag team champs! But…how?
Commercials: Can’t decide between hot peppers, pineapples, or pepporonni on your pizza pizza? That’s okay. Have your choice of Stacy Keibler or Christy Hemme. Also, Yop for when the morning come.
And now you’re WWE rewind! That would be La Resistance hitting the Au Revoir on Rosey. Mark Loyd mentions that La Resistance won the match at a house show Sunday, and this apparently goes to show you that anything that can happen at a WWE live event if you have a wrestler get injured at a PPV and have to hotshot the belts to the default champions.
We cut to one of those WWE live event testimonials thing about how great the house shows are. Come to one and Randy Orton will make out with you!
Up next, Hassan gets to level 3 on his WWE adventure!
God damn they’re getting good with these Raw advertisements. The music, the presentation, all better every week. It almost makes me want to see Orton and Flair on Monday, a match I’ve already paid for on PPV.
Commercials. Don’t smoke or else you’ll have to do monologues on a white screen. Also, Metallica, some kind of Monster on DVD.
WWE Smackdown dates. March 12 Oshawa Civic Center and…that’s it? Weird.
Last Monday, we cut right to Hassan yelling at Jericho for being a loud obnoxious disgusting, cowardly American Canadian, and getting decked for it. They brawl, and Jericho gets the walls, but Dabari jumps on his back long enough for Hassan to hit the flatliner and put him in the freaking Camel Clutch! Dabari yells at him, and Benoit saves!
Mark Loyd mentions that Chris and Chris have a little bit of respect for each other, but that doesn’t stop them from beating the hell out of each other later that night. This cuts to Benoit missing the headbutt, and they both lay around, until Benoit trys the crossface for like, 2 minutes, before jericho reverses into trying for the walls, but Benoit gets out of that and tries for a sharpshooter, but Jericho reverses that into a small package and gets the pin! They get into each others’ faces, and Benoit offers a handshake. Mutual respect and all that lovin. Mark says it was a great, great match, even though we only saw one move and 11 reversals in this package.
Mark then talks about Fozzy, and it cuts to the making of their new music video. It’s on a roof. The video is about a guy in a wheelchair climbing a set of stairs and eventually gets to the roof to where the band is. The song sounds like more nu-metal crap, but hey, at least they’re writing all the songs now.
And now, the Wrestlemania recall, sponsored by Clearasil, which is a better beauty product to sponsor Wrestlemania than Rogaine was during Wrestlemania 10, especially given all those 14 year old pimple faced geeks in their moms’ basement that watch it. Anyways, Jeff Hardy jumps off a ladder and lands on a Bubba Dudley.
Commercials: Alien Verses Predator. Which sucks, but looks good in the preview. Also, experience the next WWE event live on the big screen, or else Batista will come to your theater and make it SHAKE.
Seriously, get the ECW DVD. They’ve replenished the stock at HMV, and if you can’t get it, order the fanatix series thing. Best documentary they’ve ever done, by far.
Getting back to Raw, Batista took on Viscera, and took care of him in about 2 minutes. Samoan drop on Batista leads to HHH and Flair looking on and only a two count. Irish Whip to the corner and a shitty bodysplash on Batista, as he begins to fight back with some rights. Irish Whip reversal leads to the SLOWEST spine buster in history and the three count.
This cuts to Batista celebrating with Flair and HHH in the back. “That was awesome” HHH says, “Hey um, did you talk to Bischoff yet?” “Yeah, he did. He gave me a qualifying match in the Rumble next week if I want it.” HHH doesn’t think it’s a good idea. “Everyone should have one focus, and that means taking it to Randy Orton. You being in that Rumble gives Orton an opening. That’s a tough match, and Evolution needs ya. I don’t want you to take this wrong, but you thinking about going into that Rumble seems a little bit selfish. First, you wanna go in the Rumble, then you wanna win, then you wanna shot at the title, and I’m just hearing you, you you and not Evolution, and you’re starting to sound like Randy Orton.” Batista replies by saying “No, you’re right. Nobody likes a selfish, self centered egomanniac.”
Up next, Christian verses HBK! With Edge and Tomko on the outside! Guess which one is madder at Michaels?
Commercials. Own The Village on DVD. Or don’t. Can’t get enough WWE excitement? Or maybe you can, then by all means, never mind. Buy a Pontiac Grand Dam. Or don’t, and pay for your kids’ education instead, you selfish milk drinking hussy.
Next Sunday is Not the Rumble Vince had in mind.
As we all know, Shawn Michaels is one of the most popular characters in WWE, which is why it seemed weird that he was booed in Toronto last week. How the hell was that weird? Given ANY context, whether it be that Shawn has played a HEEL for most of his career, or that he was integral in the 97′ Bret Hart thing, or that he ALWAYS fights CANADIANS in CANADA, then Jesus, wise up, it makes complete sense. Anyways, Michaels bodyslams Christian and goes to the top rope and hits the elbow drop. Michaels warms up the band, but Tomko tries the cheap shot and misses. Shawn goes for the superkick, but that gets reversed into a back body drop but reversed again into the Sweet Chin Music. Play his music! Let him kick Tomko! Let Edge spear him for MAJOR applause by the crowd. Edge then throws on the Edgecutioner (that submission move! By JR) and screams in his ear while Shawn sounds like he’s doing porn again.
Up next, Trish offers some Advice to Lita, and Kane comes out for some husbandly duties.
AVP on DVD has a new opening, instead of a different ending like most shitty action flicks that are comprised of 99% computer animation. That’s unique, at least.
Mark Loyd welcomes us back. The Rumble is next Sunday in case you didn’t know yet. Also, Altar Bridge’s find the real is the official song. Mark brings out the lineup at Royal Rumble. So far:
Edge VS Shawn Michaels
WWE World Heavyweight Championship: HHH Vs. Randy Orton
Casket Match: Undertaker Vs. Heidenreich
WWE Championship match: Big Show Vs. Kurt Angle Vs. JBL
And the 30 Man over-the-top-rope match to determine the #1 Contender’s match for Wrestlemania. It’ll blow your mind, apparently.
We cut to last Monday again, as Trish comes out to tell Lita to relax while she’s out and have sex with every single guy in the locker room. I thought that’s why they hired the cheap diva’s? Anyways, Kane comes out and grabs her by the throat. He holds her there, but then lets go, smiles to the crowd, and grabs her again for the chokeslam and huge BOOS because in Canada, we don’t chokeslam our women’s champions. What’s weird is that they blocked it out on Monday night when it was live, but they show it in it’s entirety here.
Up next, Snitsky and Kane in the main event!
Commercials. The one place where GTA is still being advertised in right here!
The WWE slam of the week is Snitsky attacking Kane two weeks ago. Mark says that Snitsky has had Kane’s number more than anyone (Undertaker and Austin and HHH and X-Pac not included, obviously) and we cut to Snitsky whipping Kane with a leather weight lifting belt. He attempts a powerbomb, but gets reversed into a back body drop and a kick to the head. I gotta say, Snitsky’s hairstyle and sideburns are weirdly 70’s chic. Crowd chants ‘Go Leafs Go’ as Snitsky hits Kane with the STEEL CHAIR. He wraps the chair around Kane’s neck and goes up top, but Kane sits up, grabs the chair, and nails Snitsky off the top rope with it. Kane then grabs the weight belt and begins to whip Snitsky. Kane then takes Snitsky outside and pulls him up and punches him up the ramp. They get up to the top there, and Kane smashes Snitsky’s head into the Steel stage. Kane picks him up again as everyone gets that he wants to Chokeslam Snitsky off the ramp. Snitsky fights back though, and just when it looks like Kane is going to fall, he counters, and grabs Snitsky’s throat. After some threats, he throws Snitsky off the ramp and goes with him! They land in tables, wires, and bears, oh my! Snitsky looks to be Smiling, and is doing a great job being unconscious by talking to Kane while they lie there.
Mark Loyd tells us that Kane split his head wide open, and if you want to see it, you can go to WWE.com and check it out.
Also, Stone Cold Steve Austin had a press conference. Why? Find out on Monday!
Also, Randy Orton and Ric Flair this coming Monday! But with the press conference thing, who cares? Yikes. I hope he’s not planning on Wrestling or something. If he does, bring in Hogan and have them ram their wheelchairs against each other. That would be funny.
And the Credits roll.
