Music to Help You Score With Smart People 16th Column Spectacular
Hello, I’m Gordi Whitelaw. You might remember me from such columns as Introducing the Orchestra: The Woodwind Section and You Don’t Know What Love Is (Until you Know the Meaning of the Blues). Tonight we’re here to honour one of Inside Pulse’s most beloved non-rock music columns. You’ll read long-lost paragraphs from old favourites that you can’t read in syndication. So join me, won’t you for the Music to Help You Score With Smart People 16th Column Spectacular.
Music to Help You Score With Smart People started out as an AIM conversation between wrestling columnist Gordi Whitelaw and music zone co-editor Matthew Michael, the already-famous editor of such columns as Bootleg, Reasons Why, Tune Tales, and the highly successful Tub Girl Fan Club newsletter.
On September 13, 2004, the world was introduced to Music to Help You Score With Smart People.
Here’s an outtake from that first column:
Destiny is: [1.] one’s own inevitable, inescapable fate. [2.] A predetermined course of events. [3.] The power or agency thought to predetermine events. Who and what is “one’s own?” The being is the who; the what is its life. What is inevitable, inescapable, and predetermined in it’s course is fixed by the nature of the being’s life. For the human being’s life, what is inevitable, inescapable, and predetermined in its course is that for one’s own life to exist it must be sustained and generated by [it]self.
Since Fate is: [1.] The force or power that determines events. [2.] A final result; outcome, (i.e., one’s own results and outcome) — We can know the force, power or agency of the human being’s life that is predetermined to sustain and generate [it]self is one’s own mind and body. By one’s own volition (choice) and effort (mental or physical exertion) one controls what the results and outcome of [his] life will be. We think, and with our thoughts we [pre]determine our fate by determining — again, by our own volition — our subsequent course of action, which in turn, actualizes what we had [pre]determined in our minds. We have the sovereign power — proprio moto — over our destiny; our fate is effected by doing this either positively or negatively.
Destrucity is my approach to the world. My battleplan for living life toward its ultimate; creating an ineluctable bond between what “is”, what I “believe” and what I “ought” to do.
Wow! He hasn’t changed a bit, has he?
As the weeks went on, so did the columns. Sure, the writing was crude, but all the characters were there: Miles Davis! Sergei Prokofiev! Skip James!
Over the handful of months the column has been on the site, we have received dozens of letters from people wanting to know more about the column. Professor Jeffrey R. Fernandez of The University of Saturday writes, “I think Gordi gets lazier every week!”
That’s not a question, professor, but we’ll let the readers decide for themselves. Last week, instead of a column we got a lame SNL parody masquerading as a music review, and this week it’s a Simpson’s rip-off leading into a contest that he hopes will relieve him of the responsibility of thinking up new column ideas.
It certainly seems that Gordi’s getting lazier, but let’s withhold judgement until next week, when his work schedule returns to normal, giving him time to work on the column again!
Music to Help You Score With Smart People is supposed to be about Blues, Jazz, and Classical Music. Other than that, it’s completely wide open. I love it that way, and I’m grateful to Inside Pulse for agreeing to give me that much freedom. There are an endless number of columns to be written about such a broad subject area.
The contest is pretty simple: Write to firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know what you’d like me to write about next. If I like your idea, two things will happen. First, I’ll actually use your idea. I’m ready to try and squeeze out a column on any composer, artist, genre, event, item, or idea that is in any way related to Blues, Jazz or Classical, so don’t be shy with your suggestions. Second, everyone who contributes an idea that I like will have their name put into a random draw. In about a month, I’ll draw one name, and that lucky reader will get a 90-minute mixed tape of music that is related to their idea.
That’s right, an actual tape mixed by me personally for you personally! If that doesn’t encourage you to send ideas in, then I guess I’ll just have to keep writing this entirely to amuse myself. Either way, we both win… except maybe for the second way.
Thanks for reading!