The Crucifix


If you live in the northeast, you know the snow has been a tad ridiculous this
weekend. This is good news for you, however, as I have been stuck in my firehouse the entire weekend. So that allowed me to think of many things and read a bunch of wrestling news. Fun times. On with the show…

Raw 01.17.05

-Highlight Reel opens with Jericho announcing he is officially in the Royal Rumble. Bodega music starts and Muhammed Hassan with Daivari come out. Hassan says Canadians are just as bad as Americans and all that jazz. Jericho brawls with Hassan after throwing Daivari out of the ring and winds up walking into Hassan’s Anthrax Driver. Hassan then puts on the Camel Clutch as Daivari yells at Jericho. Benoit saves and the heels run.
-HHH and Flair enter the arena with Trips making fun of Canadians and asking Flair whether he talked to Batista or not. Flair says it’s all taken care of, although he didn’t really talk to Batista. Triple H is scared.
-La Resistance & Maven def. Shelton Benjamin and The Superheroes.
-Stacy gives Randy Orton a kiss on the cheek as he heads to the ring.
-Randy Orton comes out and cuts a promo about being World Champion. Triple H interrupts and after a little banter, Triple H leaves. Orton chases after him but IT’S A TRAP as Triple H starts the beat down. Orton takes control, Flair runs in. Soon enough Orton has a chair and HHH and Flair exit.
-Triple H runs into Batista, and is a little intimidated by him. Batista says he has to go talk to GM Eric about a Royal Rumble qualifying match, which Triple H doesn’t seem thrilled about.
-HBK interview, as he wants a qualifying match for the Rumble. GM Eric gives HBK a free pass into the Rumble and also gives him a match against Christian.
-Shawn Michaels def. Christian
-Edge spears HBK and puts him in the Sharpshooter/Boston Crab.
-Batista def. Viscera
-Triple H greets Batista in the back and asks about his meeting with Bischoff. Batista informs him that Bischoff offered him a Royal Rumble qualifying match next Monday if he wants it. Triple H breaks out pretty good acting skills and lets Batista know that if he entered the Rumble, it would be selfish and Orton-like because Evolution should concentrate on keeping the title. Batista tell HHH that he’ll think about it, because he knows nobody likes a selfish, self-centered egomaniac.
-Chris Jericho def. Chris Benoit
-Kane interrupts a Trish Stratus promo and choke slams her.
-Kane and Gene Snitsky battled to a no-contest as Kane choke slammed Snitsky off of the stage and went for the ride with him.

The Raw Membrane
-Muhammed Hassan and Daivari are guilty of being Arab in…Canada.
-Chris Jericho is guilty of assault on Hassan. He should have just counted to ten instead of reacting violently.
-Flair is guilty of lying to Triple H.
-Randy Orton is guilty of pissing me off. Nobody, NOBODY just takes a Diva without asking me first.
-Stacy is guilty of being a ho.
-Randy Orton is guilty of attempted assault with a deadly weapon.
-Eric Bischoff is guilty of giving preference to Shawn Michaels.
-Edge is guilty of assault.
-Batista is guilty of being an awesome bad ass.
-Kane is guilty of assault on Trish Stratus.
-Kane is guilty of attempted murder/suicide by choke slamming Snitsky and going with him.
-Snitsky is guilty of having a big mouth and not selling the fall.

-As much as I despise the character, Hassan has really good presence on the stick and I like the Anthrax Driver.
-Triple H’s acting skills have been a huge plus to the slow turn of Batista.
-So La Resistance didn’t defend against The Superheroes like I thought. They still fought them.
-Stacy Stacy Stacy, I guess you didn’t get the memo. I’m the pimp daddy up in this house. You don’t, I repeat you don’t give a man a kiss without my approval. C’mon now, is Dan Hevia gonna have to choke a bitch? I try to be nice, but maybe I’m just gonna have to choke a bitch.
-That Randy Orton promo, and come to think of it, all Randy Orton promos as of late have been hard to watch.
-Batista is THE MAN right now. WWE, the ever-creative marketers, know he is the man. That is why you are encouraged to buy his shirt or his nifty new pendant!
-HBK vs. Christian could be much better.
-Look at Batista; he took out a former King Of The Ring! Remember when they used to haul around Viscera/Mabel on that chariot? 6 guys holding their breath near death trying to carry him. That was funny.
-Trish + Straight choke slam bump = Awesome yet sad. Awesome because she took it like a champ. Sad because that may just be the thing to put the Women’s Division on hold while they figure out what to do.
-Kane vs. Snitsky had a unique ending to say the least. However, Snitsky leaning over to Kane and talking to him probably wasn’t the best idea in the world to sell the bump. If they want to revisit that, they should have JR say “…and would you look at this, after that massive fall, Snitsky is still talking trash to Kane! What a HOSS!”

Smackdown 01.20.05
-Teddy Long in the ring, tells everyone that if Angle doesn’t apologize for what he did to Joy, he will be pulled from the Royal Rumble title match and won’t receive another title shot in 2005.
-The Bashams def. Eddie Guerrero and Booker T via DQ.
-JBL tells Josh that Angle went too far, and his cabinet will get their hands on him tonight.
-Scotty 2 Hotty def. Akio in a Royal Rumble qualifying match.
-Cena promo
-Show waits for Angle; Long tells him not to do anything he’ll regret; Show lets him know he won’t regret anything.
-Carlito is out trying to get people to sign his petition. Heidenreich comes out and signs the petition because he doesn’t want to be in the Casket Match at the Royal Rumble. Undertaker interrupts, with a vision of Heidenreich in a casket.
-John Cena def. Rene Dupree. Post match, Suzuki jumps Cena.
-JBL offers to help Big Show beat up on Angle.
-Rey Mysterio def. Chavo Guerrero in a Royal Rumble qualifying match.
-US Title match made for next week: Kenzo Suzuki vs. John Cena.
-Angle comes out to read his apology. Big Show comes out and Angle bails. JBL cuts him off though, and they shake hands. All the lackeys come out and they beat down on Show with a chair and ring steps.

The Smackdown Membrane
-GM Long legally cannot bar someone from title matches if they don’t apologize. This is because a) If Angle wins the Royal Rumble he gets a title shot and b) that is just such a bitchy thing to do.
-Undertaker is guilty of killing someone who looks just like Heidenreich. He is also guilty of something for showing off the corpse of his victim. I don’t know what he is guilty of, but next time he should think about the victim’s family.
-JBL, Angle and their respective lackeys are guilty of assault. JBL and Angle are guilty of assault with a deadly weapon in the chair and ring steps.

-Like I said last week: NOTHING illegal happens on Smackdown. Maybe that is what they need, more illegal stuff and the show would be good.
-Bashams vs. Guerrero and T was fun. There is something about Eddie’s talent that always glues me to the TV. He is also, in my opinion, the most talented at doing comedic things within his matches.
-Once JBL told Josh that Angle went to far, I knew we were headed towards him teaming with Angle.
-Scotty 2 Hotty? I will not favor Raw…I will not favor Raw…I will not favor Raw…
-Carlito is pretty much a waste. Heidenreich too. Little bit of trivia: Who can tell me the last “person” that Undertaker had in a casket to play mind games with his opponent?
-Mark my words: If Cena loses the title on Thursday, he will win the Royal Rumble.
-Rey Mysterio vs. Chavo always equals fun.
-Nice chair shot from JBL on Big Show. I liked the ring steps to the head though. It shows a bit of psychology: They have to use a bigger metal device to take out Big Show because he is ginormo.

The Crown of Thorns: Raw 01.24.05
-Batista takes the Royal Rumble qualifying match and wins. The match may just be against Gillberg, as Bischoff plays a joke on Triple H.
-Triple H loses his mind as he tries to contain Batista and focus on his World Title at the same time.
-La Resistance defeats The Superheroes to retain the tag titles.
-Randy Orton def. Ric Flair after botched interference from Batista.

The Crown of Thorns: Smackdown 01.27.05
-Kenzo Suzuki def. John Cena to win the US Title.
-Kurt Angle and JBL def. Big Show and Eddie Guerrero
-Joy and Amy put aside their differences and make out.
-Spike Dudley challenges Funaki for the Royal Rumble.

The Crown of Thorns: Raw after the Royal Rumble
Charlie Haas jumps ship to Raw, and joins Triple H, Ric Flair and the returning Brock Lesnar to form the new four-man Evolution. Hass wins the Intercontinental Title from former partner Shelton Benjamin, while Brock and Flair team up to crush La Resistance. Check it out I already have pictures:

Why Victoria Rules

Victoria Rules Because:
She invented The Widow’s Peak.
Visit Victoria at

News and My Take On It

-Erik Watts almost OD’d a while ago. Fortunately, this still leaves Chyna on the list for the next “Wrestling Related” death. If Watts had blown it for me, I wouldn’t win the $20 in the office pool and I would be very upset. It’s not like I get paid to write this and I need the money. Anybody want to make donations?

-Batista had an interview with The Sun in the UK which can be found here. This man is so damn cool I had completely forgotten about him being “Deacon”.

-The Rock is having marital problems with Vince McMahon over his contract. As awesome as Rock is, it is kind of silly for him to want WWE to renew his contract when he only comes around a few times every year. Just use the “pay as you go” program unless he stops making movies, which won’t happen.

-Rob Black and Lizzie Borden had obscenity charges against them dropped. “A victory for porn…is a victory for us all.” -Book of Sega Genesis.

-Hector Garza is getting deported and may be banned from the United States for the next decade. Wow, they got a wrestler but they won’t walk into my pizza place and grab all the kitchen workers? That’s pretty f*cked up right there. Also, Muhammed Hassan and Jumping Bean Daivari should be cautious. They wouldn’t want to get deported and try to land steady wrestling work in Afghanistan.

The Voice Of This Person
Since it was a long weekend with the snow, I am using letters from Saturday and Sunday’s editions of the NY Daily News.

Manhattan: The inauguration was a tragedy, not a cause for celebration. We have a President who wants to abolish Social Security, who has no exit strategy for Iraq, who wants to “take on” Iran, who wants to create more tax cuts that benefit the top 1% and who thumbs his nose at environmental issues and women’s reproductive rights. We should all be wearing black armbands. -Kaethe Cherney

Kaethe, I’m going to take your letter one step at a time. Abolish Social Security? What in the hell will social security do for anyone? Sorry, but I want to spend my money the way that I want when I earn it. I don’t want some f*cking pittance from the government later on in life when I have the ability to invest it now (WWE stock…on the rise!). I’ll earn and spend as I please, thanks very much. No exit strategy…here is a good question: Kaethe, with all your “expertise”, what would be your exit strategy? The reason we don’t have an exit strategy is because the fight will continue in Iraq. Instead of fighting terrorists in Manhattan, George W. Bush has made all the terrorists go to Iraq, far, far away from us. It was a smart move. We should “take on” Iran before the blow us the f*ck up dumbass. I got a nice tax cut last year and guess what? I’m not in the top 1%! Bite me! As for the environment, deal with it, we’re fighting a war we can’t be worried about your “happy trees” ya damn hippy. Abortion? Go here and see what an abortion looks like. Tell me that is fair to an unborn baby. If you put it in you, it’s your damn responsibility. If you don’t want a child, cover up. It is not the baby’s fault, so it shouldn’t be killed. Deal for the 9 months and put the baby up for adoption so someone who has problems and can’t get pregnant can actually have a child to call their own. Finally, I wear a black armband, not due to our President. It’s because I just got my cool John Cena “Word Life” armband in the mail. YES! -Dan Hevia

Brooklyn: An 18-year-old girl has created a website where 15,000 people have registered their intolerance for one person. Let me guess: a criminal of some kind? A murderer? No, Ashlee Simpson. There are people at large doing things much scarier than lip-synching. – Helen Deringh

Helen, stop. Seriously, just stop. Get over whatever complex it is that doesn’t allow you to have a sense of humor. Please. – Dan Hevia

As for the rest of you, do yourself a favor and visit You will be doing yourself and future generations a great service.

Norristown, PA: My father once told me you can tell a lot about the character of a man by looking at his shoes. In a recent portrait of the Bush clan, there is our leader seated so his cuffs were raised a bit over his boots. On each boot was the presidential seal. Mr. President, while you’re sending off men and women to die in your personal little war, keep your monogrammed boots in the closet. – Bruce Semigran

Bruce, shut the hell up. Seriously, if you could afford those bad boys you’d slap then on faster than a Guatemalan would jump on a Big Mac. Quit your bitching about the “…personal little war”. If it is so personal and so little, why do you feel compelled to complain about it? Also, why do a person’s boots bother you so much? If he wore a bulletproof vest with the presidential seal, would you tell him to take it off out of respect for our troops? You’d probably shoot him after he took it off. Don’t be stupid. Just shut up. – Dan Hevia

Bronx: Amazing. Three months after the election, the Bush administration admits to no WMDs, and when was the last time the terror level was raised? Face it, America, you were lied to. -Bruce Farina

What is it with idiots named Bruce? Listen slappy, we knew a while ago that we couldn’t find any WMDs. They were probably moved because our media has the tendency to tell our enemies exactly when and where we are coming. As for the terror level being raised, it’s a GOOD THING that it hasn’t been raised. Low terror level = no terrorists trying to kill us on our home soil. We weren’t lied to, we were made safer. -Dan Hevia

Plugging It In

Hyatte is back.

-Look for Blatt’s coverage of the Road To Wrestlemania Tour. For now, read his column, a full return to Deconstructing The Moveset.

Todd Rogers agrees with me. That’s because I’m always right…and don’t you forget it…unless it’s The Crown Of Thorns.

Check out my blog biatches:

It’s time for you guys to make a decision on something with The Crucifix. Do you want the art to be:


It’s up to you, send me the mail.

Parting Thoughts

It’s funny, writing for the Internet and all. Some days there is a ton of news. Some days there is nothing. Some days you have to deal with petty people who refuse to acknowledge that the site you work for is good. Damn good. PK to Gloomchen, Blatt to Michelangelo, we run a damn tight ship. Widro keeps us in line but some days you just feel like bursting. Someday it may happen, and those who took pot shots will shed tears. Not tears of joy, but tears of sadness as Widro makes the call to increase our bandwidth. “Do unto others…”

Ok no more watching Warrior promos for me…I’m going to go find a a wrestling show to go to so that I can let everyone know I am a cool net writer.