In Memoriam: Of course, Johnny Carson. Rumor has it he’ll be buried in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall’s doorstep. And Hyatte was wrong; I went for the cheap one-liner instead. I think Johnny would have appreciated that.
Oh, boy, this sucker’s turning into a One-Hour Special. I was so trashed after work on Monday that I had to take a nap, and didn’t wake up until a half hour before Raw. So it’s assemble and publish. I hate doing that, but sometimes sleep is more important, you know? Let’s get on with whatever I have…
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard is the real Great Beast.
Misha doesn’t have much per se for game releases this week, but he still has a few.
JJ and I both agree that Nirvana sucked.
Blatt starts off our Wrestlemania coverage. Yeah, Royal Rumble isn’t until this weekend, but you can never start too early. Usually the day after Wrestlemania is the appropriate day to start counting off until the next one.
Hevia thinks he has some sort of control over My Beautiful and Beloved. Dan, Dan, Dan, I’m the one who uses knives at work. Now retract your statements of control or else.
Urciuolo has his normal double dip.
Cameron continues with his 100 Top Prospects for Cooperstown.
Who’s AITR? Names, people, names.
Gauss, like Cameron, talks about baseball. Since I don’t give a shit about baseball, I’ll let the pimp stand as it may.
THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter at 411 (one of the reasons why I decided to leave, honestly). So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information. And guess what? People are actually taking this to heart. They’re asking me for help if they’re infested, or they’re writing me telling me that their browsing experience is less annoying thanks to the stuff I’ve been putting up here three times a week for a few months now.
(And as I understand it, there are some unscrupulous browser toolbar people trying to advertise here at the Pulse. Well, don’t click on that ad, whatever you do. We’ll still get the money from the impressions, and your system will stay safe.)
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on that site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
(On a side note, those SpyHunter ads started over at Reality News Online, and BFM, a contributor there, spotted them. He told the webmaster, gave him those links that I cited above, the webmaster read them, the blood drained out of his face, and he contacted his ad provider. No more ads for Enigma products on RNO, thank you. So guess what? If you provide the info, there are sites who will listen.)
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke thousands of different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
Surprisingly, many people have asked me about the Microsoft Anti-Spyware Beta. I downloaded it and tried it, and it shockingly did a great job. Since it’s free, I’ll recommend it here.
So many people have asked about a free anti-virus program that I’m also going to recommend AVG. Totally free, and works really, really well, as well as commercial anti-virus programs. Frequent database updates, good heuristic detection, everything you want in an anti-virus package.
Another program that I’d like to add here is a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above. And only download those programs; don’t fall for the ads that are shown at various websites.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status there and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for their symbol.
The Ravin’ Cajun asks me to recommend a good client-side spam filter for MS mail programs running under Windows. Now, this is something I don’t have experience with because my ISPs have always had good spam filtering, plus, I use Thunderbird, which handles the remainder quite nicely, thank you. Some readers wrote in and recommended SpamBayes, which is totally free and supposedly works very well, so I’ll add it on to the anti-annoyance list that we’re building up here.
Now that 1.0 has been released, I feel good in recommending Firefox as an alternative to IE. Go grab a copy and see what you’re missing.
Okay, some quickies, shall we?
GOOD NEWS FOR A CHANGE?
According to Milord over at 1bullshit Junior, New Years’ Revolution did approximately 270,000 buys (preliminary rate; your real figures may vary), which would make it the most-bought single-promotion PPV since Bad Blood, reversing a downward trend in recent months. You know, I don’t know why I included this. I guess I’m just desperate for some wrestling news to put into this thing.
IS THIS LIKE AN HONORARY OSCAR OR SOMETHING?
Also from Milord (and constantly mentioned during Raw, including in a major promo segment), the Oklahoma legislature officially declared yesterday “Jim Ross Day” in the state. You know, I used to think that Oklahoma was pretty decent the couple of times I’ve driven through it. Now I really, really have to wonder.
FUCKING UP A WET DREAM
The NWA tour of South Korea that Jeff Jarrett mentioned in the fake press conference on last week’s Impact didn’t go too well, according to Big Johnson of 1bullshit Junior. First, Jeffykins was advertised for the shows, despite the fact that he said to the bookers prior to the trip that he didn’t want to travel. So the promoters included him in the pre-pub anyway. Wonderful, but it gets better. Dustin Rhodes decided not to go because he had a miscommunication in regard to the booking. Then that was cleared up, and he said he’d go. And then, of course, he pulled out at the last minute citing a “personal conflict”. Probably a shrink visit to deal with daddy issues and multiple personalities. Scott Hall ended up making the trip, only to be pulled out of the show at the last second by the promoters in Korea. Rumor has it that Hall was “physicially unable to perform”, if you know what we mean (in other words, drunk off his f*cking feet or drying out because someone was keeping him away from the booze).
Admittedly, this wasn’t the Plane Ride From Hell (for one thing, Rhodes wasn’t on the plane this time), but it’s something that TNA can’t afford bad publicity for at this point in their existence. A little pre-planning and committment in advance from people works wonders, you know.
And I wish I could have made committments in advance to stay awake and get something more out of this than that shit, but let’s head straight over to the Short Form…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Our Lord and Savior, the Guy Who Worships Him, and…well, Chris Jericho over Edge, Christian, and Tyson Tomko (Pinfall, Benoit pins Tomko, rollup): Ah, the Overloaded Opener, and with top-card guys to boot. This must be the final Raw before a major PPV. Well, it wasn’t a bad match, but I keep thinking how close we were to having a five-snowflaker. All they had to do was eliminate Michaels and Tomko from the mix. And it would have ended up being all-Canadian to boot. Scooter would have had an accident in his pants had that happened.
Viscera over Yoshihiro Tajiri, Royal Rumble Qualifying Match, Over-The-Top-Rope Challenge: So what did Tajiri do to deserve this? He at least would have been fun for a few minutes during the Rumble Match. Instead, we have Viscera, who has never been entertaining. Ever. God help us.
DAVE over Rob Conway and Sylvain Grenier, Royal Rumble Qualifying Match, Handicap Match (Pinfall, both men pinned, DAVEbomb on Conway over Grenier): Nothing match. Obviously, Batista had to win it. But, my God, are those face pops for DAVE becoming deafening or what? Right now, I’m leaning toward the scenario that I posited last week, with Batista winning the Rumble and switching to Smackdown to challenge High-Quality Speaker Boy. This is actually a good move for both rosters. It helps Smackdown in bringing in a new uppper-card face since all of the other ones are currently involved with other things (UT with Heidenreich, even after Sunday, Eddy and Booker in the tag ranks, and Cena f*cking around with Dupree and Suzuki). It helps Raw in helping get a piece of its upper-card face logjam out of the way, and reduce distractions for the nonse
nsical Randy Orton push. So push the button, “creative”. You know you want to do it.
Mohammed Hassan over Val Venis, Royal Rumble Qualifying Match (Pinfall, Sand Nigger Special): Towelhead versus towel-waist. Gee, what excitement. But I do have to give credit to one person here: Daivari is quickly becoming a reason to watch Raw. He needed a Ritalin out there, screaming into that mic in Arabic and English. I can’t believe how fast he’s overshadowed Hassan in an SE way. It’s kind of like when Trish was first introduced. Once she became comfortable with the mic, she overshadowed Test and Albert…well, that’s not saying much, but you kinda get what I mean.
Kane over Maven and Gene Snitsky, Triple Threat Royal Rumble Qualifying Override Match (for Maven) (Pinfall, Kane pins Maven, chokeslam): Totally bleh match, naturally, but major, major kudos on the SE end for all three guys. Maven’s reactions to Kane’s and Snits
ky’s entrances were golden and his in-match actions were perfect for his character. Kane and Snitsky both consistently sold their injuries from last week. Any failure by any of them would have totally killed this match. So partial credit for them for getting that done.
Randy Orton over Ric Flair (Pinfall, RKO): Normally, I tend to ignore angle advancement matches, but, hell, it’s Flair. I was a little pissed off that Orton no-sold chops, but that’s just me, I guess. The audience ate it up. The thing is, there may be something in Randy Orton that I’ve missed. Flair allowed him a lot of leeway in this match. Flair seemed to actually trust Orton greatly. Yeah, it wasn’t on the level of his absolute trust in Steamboat or Sting, but it was still a lot more than I expected he’d give him. So the question becomes, if Flair trusts Orton, why don’t I?
Angle Developments:
Dear God…: First Randy Orton, now Ross. Dearest, you must stay away from stuff like that in the future. Daddy orders you to. I’ll make an exception for Danny Hodge, though. As for the rest of the promo, as soon as Trip walked out, so did I. I ended up doing the Pimp Section during that whole mess. Now that you know some of the inside workings of this column, you can pretend to be l33t.
Separated At Birth: Trip is starting to look waaaay too much like Axl Rose for my taste. I expect him to break out into “Paradise City” at any second. I’ll have to differ with Hyatte on this point: get rid of the f*cking mullet, please.
And I’ll get rid of this column. It should have gone into the Recycle Bin, but Transition Day (when I go from nights to days) is just not conducive to a good column. I should be better for tomorrow’s work, given enough news to work with (unlike last week). So I hope you forgive me and stay tuned.
