We are one week away from my favorite PPV in the entire WWE canon. As a matter of fact, I like the Royal Rumble more than any of the WCW gimmick PPVs. So yes, we are one week away from my favorite PPV, period. Now that we have that cleared up, welcome to this week’s Monday Night Rabble. Joining us tonight are Erik H (Now knownst as Hernandez), Eric G, Jenna, and Danielle. Are we ready to see what we all look like THIS week?!
Aren’t we cute?
We start with a replay of the HUGE bump from Snitsky and Kane – and as told by Erik H, apparently Kane hurt his head pretty bad, and as you watch you can see his face peel off the top of the table, it’s actually pretty gross. The aftermath was apparently viewable on WWE.com..
Tonight Orton vs. Ric Flair – and a *yawn* update on *boo* Stone *hiss* Cold.
Start the show though we get the Showstoppa coming down, praying to his chosen diety and get a flashback to last week as he gets beaten down by Tomko and Edge. Coming down next is Y2J. Followed by Chris Benoit! A great start team versus Christian, Edge, and Tomko who are henceforth referred to as ‘TEAM AWESOME THEME SONG’
“Ahh, Curtain Jerkin’ Jericho!” – Hernandez on my favorite wrestler
“You aren’t going to be in the report this week, dick.” Me on Hernandez’s place in the world.
SHAWN MICHAELS & CHRIS BENOIT & CHRIS JERICHO vs. CHRISTIAN & EDGE & TOMKO
Michaels and Christian starting the match – Michaels tosses Christian into the ropes and shoulder blocks him down. Tags in Jericho and the chop fest begins. Christian grabs him and tosses him into the ropes, but Benoit slides beneath Christian and tries to get him in the crossface – but it’s denied as Christian tags in Tomko.
A tag to Jericho and a doubleteam clothesline as Y2J starts the beatdown and gets a choke throw into the corner, but moves out of the way as the charge begins into the corner and followed up with a quick dropkick. Tomko stumbles around and lifts up Jericho, but Jericho reverses and schoolboys for two – it is at this point that ALL-HELL-BREAKS-LOOSE! The faces clearhouse and we go to commercial!
COMMERCIAL – thank god that was a really fast paced opener.
We’re back with Edge in the ring with Christian. Benoit starts with some chops and tags in Michaels – they have to fix those commercial breaks so well! In comes Micheals and Christian takes advantage and starts beating Michaels down – fists, reverse neckbreaker, and a pin for two. Tomko gets the tag in and leaps on Michaels to apparently, hump him. Ewww. Tomko goes for a pin, but Jericho stops it with a dropkick. Tommy tags in Edge, but HBK gets his second wind and starts pummeling on Edge – Edge pummeling Michaels and a tag to Christian who runs in and throws HBK into a chinlock.
HBK gets up, but Christian is too smart for that and tosses him into the ropes and recieves a Thesz Press. Michaels tries to go for the corner, but Christian is holding onto his ankle. Each member of the heel team comes in and beats down Michaels – finally Edge gets the coup de gras and mocks the HBK stance. I assumed that was where momentum was going to shift, but no! Michaels continues to get the beatdown! Classic split-the-ring tag team stuff until Christian and Michaels double clothesline each other.
“He’s reaching for one of the Pillars of Fire!” – Hernandez on HOT tags.
Benoit gets the hot tag! German’s all around – except for Tomko who lands squarely on his neck. Jericho hits Tomko to the ground from the turnbuckle – Christian gets the triumverate of suplexies and rolls out as Tomko runs in and Benoit ducks the big boot and Tomko eats the superkick and Benoit rolls him for the pin.
WINNERS: Benoit, Michaels, Y2J
Smackdown Rewind: Apparently Joy was locked in a trunk by Angle. Big Show gets screwed. And the worst musical montage begins. I get the gregorian epic chanting, but umm.. this is just bad.
Stacy is coming down next…
COMMERCIAL!
We come back to a scene from 1985 with Hogan talking with Johnny Carson – I give them a thumbs up on that. Rest in Peace Johnny.
Back in the ring, Stacy comes on in. She announces that it’s JIM ROSS day in Oklahoma – so coming down to the ring is Danny Hodge who LEAPS over the top rope! He is a 3 time NCAA Wrestling Champion. Here comes Ross down to the ring. I smell Hassan coming down… I’m painted unthrilled. Ironically, JR day is also the mathmatically depressing day of the year. We get a video montage of JR accepting the honor of having a day named after him.. and no joke, it was in a bar. Stacy kisses him and JR gets to talk. JR thanks the fans and the Sooners in the house – and who is he interrupted by, HASSSSS-NO! Triple H,who is crying, with Ric Flair. “This could bring a tear to a glass eye” …good line from Trips. He continues to berate Ross for awhile talking about sports scores, and they ask for the old people to leave the ring and they leave Stacy in the ring.
HHH starts to talk to Stacy, but Ross isn’t leaving. He stands up to Trips to a cheap pop. Ric Flair goes for the low blow on JR for a cheap hit. Danny Hodge punches Trips for a weird octogenerian hit. Trips is left in the ring with Stacy and Trips wants a kiss like JR got and Orton got last week. So Trips goes for a weird daterape moment and instead of a kiss he wants to pedigree moment, but Orton runs in to save it. What the hell just happened, this was the creepiest, offensive moment in a LONG time.
“What, Austin comes back for one announcement and they go back to abusing women?!” Danielle on the tastelessness of that entire bit.
COMMERCIAL
Backstage Austi–I mean HHH and Flair are backstage AND TRIPLE H ACCOSTS ANOTHER WOMEN!?!?!??! This is insainly stupid. Batista is waiting for them in the locker room. Batista doesn’t seem to like what they’ve done, questioning why they hit JR, tossed Hodge, and almost Pedigree’d Stacy. Batista seems completely disgusted about it, but has good news of his own – he is taking his Royal Rumble Qualifying match. Flair and Hunter don’t like the idea, but Batista is doing it for Evolution!
Now Bischoff is talking with Regal – Regal wants in the Royal Rumble spot. Eric thanks Regal for helping out with Eugene by giving his spot to Coach. Regal leaves grumpy, Coach leaves happy, and enter Le Resistance! They both want spots in the Rumble.
“You two are tag champs?” – Bischoff
“Yah, yes, we go both ways!” – Grenier on their place in the world.
Enter Batista who tells Bischoff he’s accepting his qualifying match, Le Resistance gives le resistance and they are facing each other in a handicapped match. We get to watch Batista destroy TWO guys!
COMMERCIAL!
We return with JR coming back to his seat and Coach is in the ring. He introduces Tajiri who wants a qualifying match, so he has to win in an OVER THE TOP ROPE CHALLENGE versus…crap. Viscera.
VISCERA vs. TAJIRI
Over the top rope squash match.
Mist in the eyes to start it and goes for the handplant back elbow – Tajiri gets picked up and tossed over the top. Umm.. lame? Didn’t Viscera lose LAST week… whatever.
WINNER: Viscera – who we are forced to see in the Rumble.
We get another review of what happened with with Kane and Snitsky, no update on Trish’s death bomb, but the Baby Killer and the Red Machine vow to be in the Rumble. Coming up next though is our handicapped match.
COMMERCIAL
“Apparently they don’t know what NEXT means.” Eric on booking timing.
Chesty McBresties is backstage and has caught up with Tajiri. She wants to ask question, but is stopped by Regal who wants to ask Tajiri’s help in screwing Bischoff.
In the ring though….
BATISTA vs. LE RESISTANCE
Royal Rumble Qualifying Handicapped Match
Grenier starts with the Canadian theme and before he can finish ‘Oh Canadaaaaa–‘ he gets beaten in the head by Batista. Dave grabs him and hurls him into the corner and goes for the charge, but misses. While he’s tied in the corner, Conway boots him in the face. The doubleteams begin, but Batista powers out and hurls Conway into the corner and slams down Grenier, then spinebusts Conway and pins both. Batista, going for some ring pimpin’ time, grabs Resistance’s flag. He struts for a moment around the beaten and destroyed tag champs and plants (read: anally rapes) in between Conway and Grenier. Pretty funny.
Winner: Batista
Backstage, Ric Flair is giving the ‘Yes Man!’ on how great Batista looks – Trips doesn’t look thrilled and says he has to go do something. I wonder if the spin will happen this week?
“We ask that EVERY week!” – Jenna on Batista’s spin.
COMMERCIAL
The most oiled wrestler in the fed, Hassan is coming down to the ring. He is facing… oh for christ sakes.. Val Venis.
Hassan vs. Val Venis
A cheapshot starts the match, and Hassan tosses Val into the corner hard. Outside General Ackbar is commentating annoyingly in Yiddish. Hassan stomps down on Hassan, picks up Venis and drops him with a bad backdrop. Hassan continues to throw him around, choking him against the ropes and then slamming him square in the ring. Before Val can get up, he gets a boot to the face. He g ets put into the Camel Clutch – Val actually powers up, but gets fists to the back in response. Val reverses an armbar and hits with a short clothesline. Val gets some awesome moves in, proving he is underutilized, and as he goes for the Money Shot he misses and takes Hassan’s finisher.
Winner: Hassan – Let it be knownst that the entire crowd was dead for this match, the only time they voiced excitement was while Val was attacking, but died the minute Hassan took over.
Backstage, Flair is cheering on Batista – and Trips shows up and he comments how right Batista is. Evolution needs to be covered. Evolution needs as much support as possible. So another legend is in the Rumble without a qualifying match. Who? Ric Flair! WOOOOOO!
COMMERCIAL
(Note: I feel the need to apologize for the lack of commentary again, but we are mostly completely aghast at what’s gone on in the earlier portions of the show with the Austin like HHH bit and just the horrible booking. Some weeks they’re up. Some weeks they are so far in the gutter it hurts. Thanks.)
In the ring, Maven has taken the mic – and this should cheer us up a little bit. Maven apparently has a second chance at getting in the Rumble. He challenges someone who has a spot in the Rumble to come out and fight him for his spot. Laughably, nobody comes. Maven claims everyone in the backstage is a coward – but BOOM! Here comes Kane. Kane, for the record looks beat to hell. Bruised arm. Bruised head. Before Maven can renegotiate, here comes Snitsky, wrapped in the stomach, wrapped arm and another black eye. Questionable how much make-up was used as Snitsky’s face looks like a box of Hawaiian Punch blew up all over him.
The ref declares that this match is a triple threat and Maven is just not happy. This is really funny as both Kane and Snitsky are miserablin pain and are limping towards each other. Snitsky hits Kane’s hurt arm – Kane hits Snitsky in the gut and a double boot flattens both. Maven tries to pin both and fails. Kane hurls Snitsky over the top rope and Maven catches Kane with some fists, chokeslam up and DOWN! One handed from Kane gets the 3 count. So Maven is STILL out of the fed.
COMMERCIAL
In our ring is Christie with the T-Shirt cannon. And here is the Austin bit which is placed here solely to sell t-shirts. The whole bit is about Stone Cold getting a 3 film deal with WWE films.. Woopdylala. I better watch out, I’m starting to sound like an imbittered IWC writer, geez. I guess this IS the most depressing day of the year.
We get the Smackdown side of the Rumble line-up and we come back with Edge talking with Todd ‘Not Pettingil’ and Edge talks about he has the ability to win the Royal Rumble on the same night he gets a chance to beat Shawn Michaels, a man who knows NOTHING of pain, of suffering. Amusingly ironic, but nothing that’s going to save this show.
Orton’s heading to the ring.
COMMERCIAL
Another promo for Chris ‘Masterpiece’ Masters. I repeat – has the Narcissist gimmick EVER worked?
Back in the ring the Flair music starts up and here he comes with all of Evolution.
Starts off with Orton shoulderchecking Flair to the mat, a headlock and a crisscross of ropes ends with Orton dropkicking Flair. He goes to capitalize and thumbs him in the eye. Flair picks him up and a European uppercut in the corner to Orton. Orton’s forehead cut is already open. Flair runs back in at him, but Orton flips him around and starts with the lefts and the rights, a Flair flop. Orton picks him tosses him in the corner and a big back bodydrop.
Flair cowers outside the ring and Orton chases after him. They fight on the outside with punches and Flair chops. After a good hit, Flair ends up in the lap of a fan, no seriously. He thumbs Orton in the eye again and runs into the ring and up to the top rope where Orton climbs in and throws Flair to the mat. Orton runs against the ropes and gets tripped up, and tossed HARD over the ring. Batista gets blamed for the top rope toss, and Trips ignores the fact that he’s being ejected from the ring. A scathing look from Batista to HHH and we go to…
COMMERCIAL!
Back in the ring, Orton is beating down on Flair with fist after fist. And a toss to the corner sends Flair to the outside. Trips goes to make sure Natch is ok, and as Ric climbs to the apron, a suplex brings him back in. A pin for 2. Flair cries for his life, and gets a boot to the gut in exchange. He tosses Flair into the ropes and goes for the dropkick, but Flair holds onto the ropes. Flair’s turn for some offense as a knee to the face of Orton. Flair now goes for those knuckle punches to Orton’s forehead to pull open that forehead cut. Flair distracts the ref and Trips gets some good ol’ fashion cheating.
Flair pulls up Orton and as Flair goes to hit him down Orton rev’s up and blocks a big hit, and is walking around like a goofy faced bloody zombie and beats the hell out of Flair in response to it. 10 Top Rope Corner punches and another Flair Flop. Another big back bodydrop (that’s 4 in the match). Orton’s modified backbreaker and a powerslam only gets 2. Trips distracts Orton for a moment and Flair clips his leg.
The ref gets beaten down by Flair and Trips hits Orton’s knee with the belt. Flair takes this moment to put him in the figure four. Some pissy slaps from Ric Flair and Orton gets upset and reverses it. Trips goes and pulls the ref out by the leg, and hopefully he got his hands down to catch him – as Trips comes in and starts taking out Orton’s leg. Trips is about to leap from the top rope onto Orton’s leg, but he gets his boot up and Orton gets the RKO on Flair for the win.
Winner: Randy Orton – who is really not selling that leg injury.
Orton in the ring holding the title is what closes out the show.
As you can see from the lack of commentary, that is the best gauge to how a show. No commentary must be a horrendously lame show. A bad lead-in to my favorite ppv of the year. That makes me sad, but the Rumble is still a quality PPV no matter what.
