SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF!
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! First off, I have to say WOW! Look at all these sports columns! IP Sports is growing and growing and growing and growing! We got something for everyone here. And we’re gonna just continue to grow! No matter who tries to stop us! None of you will stop us! And trust me, we have people who are trying to stop us. Such as This Guy.
Anyway, the Eagles and Patriots are in and Let the SUPER BOWL HYPE BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Could we ask for a better match up? The best team in the AFC vs. the best team in the NFC, and quite possibly the two best teams in the NFL. For the next two weeks you will learn everything you never wanted to know about the Patriots and the Eagles. You will learn what their favorite food is, favorite sexual position, celebrities they dated in high-school, current pending lawsuits, blah blah blah. So, in honor of such god awful incoherent rambling about nothing, I now present to you…A LIST! Those horrible and depraved lists. The ultimate example of god awful incoherent rambling. The list is …
TEN THINGS YOU WILL GET SICK OF HEARING ABOUT BY SUPER BOWL XXXIX
1) Can the Patriots become a Dynasty?
The judges and juries of civilized society have stated their mantra. If the Patriots win this, they are an official modern era dynasty. If they do not, they were simply a really good team that somewhat defined their own little insignificant era. That’s right, folks. They win, they get it all and are compared to every great franchise in NFL history. They lose, they become the Bills or the Vikings. Don’t ask. I don’t get it. Whatever
2) The status of Terrell Owens is…..
Every day, every hour, every minute, every second you will get an Update on Terrell Owens. Will he play, will he not play? I hate to burst the bubble on this one but at the end, he’s a wide receiver. This ain’t your Quarterback, Running back, Left Tackle, Middle Linebacker, or Weakside Defensive End. He’s a receiver. So I will state this: It will NOT matter! Yes, him playing makes things a tad bit easier for the Eagles. But he will not be the final variable of whether the Eagles win or lose.
You will hear this comparison constantly. It was started by a very prominent NFL reporter several weeks ago who I will not name and plug. Maybe he has a point, maybe he doesn’t. But after he said it, he said it again…and again…and again. Of course, now everyone is saying it. You will hear people say it too like it was their own idea. I can see it now. Generic NFL Studio Analyst when asked to describe the Patriots will twirl his pen, put his chin up and state: “You know, this team reminds me alot of the old Green Bay Packers. The relationship between Brady and Belichick is very similar to what it was between Lombardi and Starr.” And of course, everyone in the studio will nod their head and give approving ‘mms’ and ‘hmmms.’
No major franchise in Philadelphia has won a championship since 1983 (76ers). The Eagles of course haven’t won anything since 1960, the longest drought in the NFL. Get ready for the sob stories. And get ready for ridiculous pronouns and adjectives to describe it. The fans are in pain, they are starving, they are in utter dismay. If Philly can bring home the title, people will finally be able to die. It’s actually quite cool and hip when a team can stop a long drought, but it will get beaten to death. Also, the real longest drought is the Cardinals, but that is through three different cities so I guess that doesn’t count.
Did you know Jacksonville is the largest city in the continental United States in terms of land mass? No? You will! Get ready to hear all about one of the most uninteresting cities in America!!!!! The Great Fire of 1901, The first Hollywood before there was Hollywood, and it’s relationship with the U.S. Navy!! Woo! Here’s what you won’t hear. They have a public high school that is named after Nathan Forest, the founder of the KKK. And they were one of those cities that got hustled and bought a monorail that doesn’t work!
6) Halftime Bullshit
They got the nice people this time around. Expect much rhetoric, retrospect, and diarrhea about last year’s debacle in which ended up with the fighters for freedom backing down to the nazis, the FCC going Gestapo, Howard Stern leaving public radio, and how everyone went just too far. The most ridiculous, reactionary episode of polite society so far in the 21st century will be relived. Again and again and again…
Just what will the commercials be like this year? Everyone watches the Super Bowl commercials. You may not hear about it too much in the sports media, but expect to hear plenty in the general, business, and entertainment news outlets. How much each company paid, which marketing agency produced the most, which commercials will get a thumbs up and a thumbs down, and of course, the best commercials in Super Bowl History and I wish I was kidding. Game? What Game?
Lately, there has been a bit of a revolt to the number of commercials offering pills for penile erection dysfunction or whatever its called. There are too many, it’s everywhere, what about the children, blah, blah, blah. Expect to hear this revolt get a few notches higher in volume. Also many defenders of liberty will use these commercials as a retort against people who don’t want sex mixed in with their football. Granted, they are annoying especially after the 37th time in one game, but we live in a capitalist world and if they pay the big bucks, so they get the spot. They are also paying the salaries of many in the media so really, what is there to talk about?
The one appearance in the Super Bowl by the Eagles, the last two by the current Patriots. The Pats’ first two appearances probably won’t get mentioned much. But expect to see plenty of shots of Adam Vinateri kicking game winning field goals, Tom Brady with his hands on his head as he wins the MVP, and lots of Silver helmets bouncing up and down. And expect to see plenty of video of Dick Vermeil and the 1981 Eagles getting trounced by the then underdog Oakland Raiders. You will Learn it, Know it, Live it.
10) Two Weeks is Too Long
And finally, you will here people complaining in the next two weeks that two weeks is too long. The game is never as good, too much hype, it was better with only one week. The NFL will talk about how it’s impossible to do it in one week, and so on. Of course one group of people who love it are wrestling fans as the beloved Royal Rumble is without NFL interference.
That’s it! I’ll leave off with a plug for the FORUMS. Something I’m going to try to get more involved in. For example, my James Bond Thread!
Soon, we’ll see a comeback for Slayer Vs.
And a look at the life, meaning, and Ken Burns documentary of Jack Johnson!
Be Excellent to Each Other!