PANCAKES IN THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT- Let Your Eagle Soar
It’s the Big One Elizabeth!, Why the Vikings must trade Randy Moss, Thoughts on the MLB Hot Stove League, Bob Dole Reads from the Necronomicon
VIEWER MAIL! VIEWER MAIL!
We start this week’s column with a little bit of reader feedback:
Rider? I do believe the Marist College Red Foxes sit atop the MAAC at 6-1 in conference my good man. GO FOXES- Mark_U
Duly noted, Mark. The Red Foxes took over the MAAC lead the night after I submitted my last column, at which point Rider was in the conference lead. However I would be remiss to not point out that Rider does have a win over the Red Foxes this year. Maybe if they reinstated the man with the giant oversized Fred Sanford head as their mascot the Redd Foxxes would get some love from me. I just don’t see how that mascot was “racially insensitive”.
Is that what they pay you to do over there? Cause face it, you don’t work on that on company time, do you.-CR Monster
Yes CR, I did write my column at work. Like it matters. The longer my illustrious corporate career wears on, the more I realize the best I can hope for is to continue to pull down my biweekly four rubles and a bucket of oats, and while away the hours in my rabbit cage and somehow maintain my sanity thanks to the internet. Then at age 75 I will retire and have many many empty hours to fill…hundreds of thousands of hours. And then, the peace of the grave.
Thanks for the feedback.
This week we continue our 2004 NFL Compost Mortem with a look at the NFC North. We also have a brand new NBA HOT LIST, and we’ll begin prepping for the 05 MLB season by taking a look at the off-season moves made by the denizens of the AL East .
Before we get started, congrats to fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. Your perseverance and absence of Ben Affleck narrated specials about your team are to be admired. For fans of Donovan McNabb, congrats as well. He is, for my money, the most improved player in the NFL this season and getting to the Super Bowl with the JV receiving core proves it. He is what Michael Vick should want to be when he grows up.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, let’s get ready to suck it.
2004 NFL COMPOST MORTEM- NFC NORTH
The style of play that ruled the former Black n Blue Division this year was enough to make Dick Butkus dig his own grave so he could begin rolling over in it. In 2004, the best defense in this division was truly a good offense.
GREEN BAY PACKERS 10-6, 1ST PLACE NFC North, 3RD NFL total offense, 25th NFL Total Defense
The Packers do the same thing every single year. Win the division, dump in the playoffs, lather, rinse, repeat. It’s like no matter what the franchise does, good or bad, they always end up at exactly the same point in time, like a Mike Sherman and Mr. Peabody cartoon.
Green Bay went into this season with a brilliant plan. You see, since they lost their NFC Divisional playoff game vs. Philadelphia the season before due to sitting back in a prevent defense, causing them to surrender a 1st down on 4th and 40,000 and allowing the Eagles to continue their drive to the winning score, their plan for this season was fire their defensive coordinator and to hire a new one in Bob Slowik, who would have the Pack blitz like maniacs at all times. Blitzety Blitz Blitz Blitz I say!
As you might imagine, this worked so well that they lost to the Bears, something which happens once every 700 years so, and made the Colts and Titans look like they were playing with extra men on the field in blowout losses to those teams.
The 1-4 start was a mirage though, as the Packers got their groove back, and fulfilled prophecy by winning the NFC Central then getting manhandled at home in the playoffs by a Vikings team that was an absolute mess going into the game.
This is what the Packers do though, and is what they will continue to do until Brett Favre retires. Then its look out below!!
MINNESOTA VIKINGS 8-8 2ND NFC North, 4TH NFL Total Offense, 28th NFL Total Defense
Much like the Packers, the Vikings have been giving us the same story every year for some time now. Randy Moss plays when he feels like it, the offense is good, the defense is terrible, the inmates run the asylum and the team underperforms. This year was no different.
The Vikings season was the Packers season, only in reverse. The team got off to another great start, just as it did in 2003, and just as in 2003 the team collapsed down the stretch culminating in a season ending loss to a terrible team (the Redskins in 04, the Cardinals in 03). This time, however, the general lousiness of the NFC allowed them to sneak into the playoffs via the doggy door and save Head Coach Mike Tice’s job. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing is debatable. A playoff win at Lambeau Field gave the team somewhat of a feeling of accomplishment for this season that it probably doesn’t deserve.
For the Vikings to make any progress as a franchise, they have to trade Randy Moss. I simply don’t see any other way. A franchise takes on the personality of the strongest personality on that franchise, it only makes sense. Moss’ gravitas is far greater than that of any of the other Purple Headed Warriors, and his attitude poisons the whole team. The offense will still go without Moss, as Nate Burleson and Marcus Robinson both stepped up and played well while Moss was injured this year. Subtracting Moss and his omnipresent sourpuss would be the best thing this team could do for itself. Will it happen? Absolutely not. So expect more of the same from the Vikings in 05.
DETROIT LIONS 6-10 3RD NFC North, 26th NFL total offense, 22nd NFL total defense
In 2004 the Lions showed signs that they could be one of the breakout teams of 2005. They began the season by breaking a 4 year road losing streak en route to a 4-2 record out of the gates. They also closed the season strong and it says here that some NFL illuminati will be picking them as the NFC North favorites next year. However, this depends entirely on the performance of their petulant dauphin of a quarterback, Joey Harrington.
Much has been made of the fact that Harrington doesn’t get along well with the boys on the Lions. His is not of the typical football mentality, and there are certain kinds of intelligence that it is not necessarily good to have in the NFL, the reason being that for the most part most of your teammates are not that smart. Still, the future of this franchise is squarely in his hands, and if you cannot develop as a QB with Steve Mariucci as your head coach, then you will not develop into a good QB, anywhere, ever. The man made JEFF GARCIA look like a good quarterback.
The Lions have been patient with Harrington, but unless he puts up results early next season, his bust will be erected next to Akili Smith, Tim Couch, and Cade McNown’s in the 1st round draft pick QB Hall of Shame.
This team has the tools to be good next year. They have found a stud running back in Kevin Jones and the defense has made tremendous strides. Whether they can take the next step and vault into the playoffs depends 100% on the performance of their QB.
CHICAGO BEARS 5-11 4th NFC Central, 32nd NFL total offense, 21st NFL total defense
The Bears would have you believe that the reason for their miserable season was that they suffered an inordinate amount of injuries. While this is true, they are basing their use of this as an excuse on the assumption that the players that were injured are good, which is a bad assumption.
The season began with a victory over the Packers that stirred much optimism for the team and its fans. However, this victory came a week after the Bears became the first team to lose at home to the Lions since the Clinton Administration. The next week, QB Rex Grossman blew out his knee and was lost for the season, and there was much wailing and gnashing of the teeth.
Grossman, for whatever reason, is looked upon by the Bears organization as possibly the best quarterback the Bears have had since Sid Luckman thrilled the nation with the T-formation.
The problem with this is that is based on absolutely nothing. Grossman didn’t have an overly impressive college career, and its not like the measurables are there either. If you look at him on the sidelines, which really has been the only place you could have looked at him since he entered the league, you don’t really see the next great NFL QB. You see a small, fat, injured guy bundled up like Nanook of the North. Yet the Bears have placed the entire future of the franchise in his hands. Worse yet, when he went down, there was no backup plan. Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, and Chad Hutchinson were bad in their auditions at QB and the offensive line was worse.
Offensive coordinator Terry Shea ended up being the fall guy for all that went wrong with the offense and was fired after the season. In reality more of the blame should lie with GM Jerry Angelo for what he gave Shea to work with this year.
On the defensive side of the ball, the defense was exciting, but bad. Part of this can be attributed to the fact that they were always on the field due to the offense’s ineptitude, but if this is going to be the strength of the team, then it needs to be a whole lot better. The jury is still out on Lovie Smith as a head coach, but year one was not promising. After all, most teams fire their coaches to have a better record, not a worse one. The Bears slipped from 7-9 to 5-11 this year.
HOT STOVE HOEDOWN- AL EAST
The success or failure of a baseball team can often be attributed to two things. What they did in the offseason and who is in their starting rotation. In the next few weeks we will go around MLB and take a look at how each team shapes up in these areas, starting this week with the AL East.
The East, as we all know, is Yankees and Red Sox and three teams that will be out of the race by Memorial Day. So what were the key moves in the Pinstripers and World Champion Red Sox never ending chess match against one another? How will the Orioles, Graphite Jays, and Rays attempt to somehow close the gap? Let’s take a look.
BOSTON RED SOX
Major Additions-
RHP Wade Miller
RHP Matt Clement
LHP David Wells
LHP John Halama
SS Edgar Renteria
OF Jay Payton
Major Subtractions-
RHP Pedro Martinez
SS Orlando Cabrera
RHP Derek Lowe
OF Dave Roberts
1B Doug Mientkiewicz
Projected Rotation-
RHP Curt Schilling
RHP Matt Clement
LHP David Wells
RHP Wade Miller
RHP Bronson Arroyo
The Red Sox improved themselves at the crucial shortstop position by allowing Orlando Cabrera to leave for the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim California, and replacing him with Edgar Renteria. Renteria is a significant upgrade in the field and at the plate, so snaps to the boy genius Theo Epstein for that maneuver.
As for that starting rotation. Hoo boy. The Red Sox will head into 2005 with Matt Clement as their #2 starter. Being a Chicagoan I can tell you this is not a good thing. The Cubs failed to win the NL Central with Clement as their #4/#5 starter last year, so how the Red Sox expect to repeat as World Champs with him as their deuce is beyond me. In reality, this rotation appears to me to be constructed to just hold the fort until the trading deadline. It is good enough to at least keep the team in the playoff race. Expect another big gun to arrive in Fenway on or around July 31, because the Red Sox can’t expect to take this rotation into the playoffs and make it out of Yankee Stadium alive.
NEW YORK YANKEES
Major Additions
LHP Randy Johnson
RHP Carl Pavano
RHP Mike Stanton
2B Tony Womack
1B Tino Martinez
Major Subtractions
RHP Javier Vazquez
RHP Jon Lieber
RHP Esteban Loaiza
RHP Orlando Hernandez
P Felix Heredia
IF Miguel Cairo
CF Kenny Lofton
Projected Rotation
LHP Randy Johnson
RHP Mike Mussina
RHP Kevin Brown
RHP Carl Pavano
RHP Jaret Wright
In the eternal death struggle between the Bombers and Red Sox, in the end the only thing that really matters is, who has the stronger starting rotation? For the first time in recent memory, last year it was the Red Sox, and that is why they finally got over the hump and beat the Yankees last year. Like the Terminator saving John Connor, in accomplishing this mission they effectively destroyed the reason for their own existence. This time around, barring a huge acquisition it will be the Yankees who have the better rotation and that is why they will return to the World Series for the first time in 4 years.
Obviously, the biggest reason for this is the acquisition of Randy Johnson. He can punch out as many cameramen as he wants, as long as he is the game 7 answer to Curt Schilling then it is all good. The Yankees also bolstered the back end of the rotation with Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright, who will be an upgrade over the parade of suck that allowed the Red Sox to come back from a 3-0 deficit in the ALCS last October. Advantage Yankees.
BALTIMORE ORIOLES
Major Additions
RHP Steve Kline
RHP Steve Reed
Major Subtractions
None
Projected Rotation
RHP Sidney Ponson
RHP Daniel Cabrera
LHP Erik Bedard
RHP Rodrigo Lopez
LHP Matt Riley
The Orioles pretty much stood pat in the offseason, but not for want of trying. Their name was always mentioned as among the teams involved in big free agent signings, but in reality the franchise serves as nothing more than a bargaining chip for big money free agents.
They did make a couple of nice acquisitions to bolster their bullpen in Kline and Reed. Kline had some excellent numbers in 2004, posting an ERA under 2 and a WHIP hovering around 1. Reed, meanwhile, was solid in 2 seasons pitching in Coors Field, so you have to figure he will do well in Baltimore as well.
The O’s season depends entirely on the development of Daniel Cabrera and Erik Bedard. If these 2 progress, the Orioles have the makings of a good young rotation. Cabrera, in particular, stands six foot seven and at times last year showed the makings of becoming a beast. Couple the potential in the rotation, an improved bullpen, and a strong lineup that features shortstop Miguel Tejada and catcher Javy Lopez, and the Orioles should be the favorite to finish 3rd in the East this year. The O’s are leaps and bounds ahead of the Rays and Jays, for whatever that’s worth.
TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS
Major Additions
1B Josh Phelps
SS Alex Gonzalez
OF Danny Bautista
2B Roberto Alomar
Major Subtractions
LHP John Halama
1B Tino Martinez
IF Geoff Blum
Projected Rotation
LHP Mark Hendrickson
RHP Dewan Brazelton
RHP Rob Bell
RHP Doug Waechter
LHP Scott Kazmir
The Rays spent their offseason making moves that made no sense. Josh Phelps will bring a little power and a lot of strikeouts. Alex Gonzalez was signed (the Alex Gonzalez best known for letting the Cubs 2003 NL Pennant roll thru his legs), and will move from shortstop to third base. Roberto Alomar, who appeared beyond washed up after the White Sox made their annual trade for him last year, was brought in and will play second base.
In theory the Rays will have an infield of Gonzalez at third, Julio Lugo at short, Alomar at second, and Aubrey Huff at first. In reality the Rays now have a mix and match 4 headed monster in the middle infield, and how it will shake out is anybody’s guess. You have to figure Alomar will be traded to the White Sox at midseason again this year though, so that should help clear things up a bit.
The Rays rotation is young. Dewan Brazelton was the 3rd overall pick in the 2001 draft and is the man the Rays hope will develop into the staff ace. Mark Hendrickson and Rob Bell are castoffs from other teams that hopefully have found their groove. Doug Waechter has shown some promise but has had injury problems. Scott Kazmir got a look at the end of last year after being acquired from the Mets and will be penciled into this year’s rotation.
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
Major Additions
3B Corey Koskie
RHP Chad Gaudin
RHP Billy Koch
LHP Scott Schoeneweis
SS John McDonald
IF Shea Hillenbrand
Major Subtractions
DH Carlos Delgado
Projected Rotation
LHP Ted Lilly
RHP Miguel Batista
RHP Roy Halladay
RHP Josh Towers
LHP Scott Schoeneweis
The Blue Jays are just sort of muddling their way towards oblivion. The Expos have headed south, and the way things are going the US will be at war in Canada in five years, so the future of Canadian Major League Baseball looks pretty bleak. It is really really hard to believe that this is the same franchise that a decade ago established a mini-dynasty. Now they are a rudderless team that nobody comes out to watch and whose most notable trait is their bizarre uniforms. Corey Koskie was a nice acquisition, but that is really about it. The only bright spot for this team is that the rotation has the potential of being decent, but that is contingent on 2003 Cy Young winner Roy Halladay staying healthy, and that is a big if.
NBA HOT LIST
Sam Mitchell, Raptors Head Coach- Mitchell believes there is a nefarious element at work that is trying to coach his players behind his back. “What I’m saying is that as you have success, you have people that it’s not their job to coach the players, and they’re trying to give them too much information,” said Mitchell after his team was housed by the Wizzads. What was particularly odd about this bizarre statement is that Mitchell was wearing an aluminum foil hat while he made this statement, and he repeatedly kept clawing at what he said was a government implanted diode located underneath the skin of his wrist. He then lifted up his shirt revealing what appeared to be some sort of palindromic brand, and began pointing and yelling “Illuminatus! Illuminatus!” at Raptors beat writers.
JALEN ROSE, Raptors- Rose had 32 points in the aforementioned Raptors loss. When informed of his coach’s conspiracy theory, he had this to say when asked if he knew who was behind this diabolical plot, “I don’t know who it is, either,`I’ve been around too long for somebody to tell me what to do out there on the court. They’re too worried about asking for money. They ain’t trying to give advice about basketball.”
Too worried about asking for money. That is friggin gold.
BERNIE BICKERSTAFF, Bobcats Head Coach- Mitchell wasn’t the only NBA coach playing the weirdo card. Bickerstaff has maintained all season long that his team has been getting jobbed by NBA referees because they are an expansion team comprised mostly of no-names. Apparently Bickerstaff’s complaining is wearing thin, because after a loss to the Mavericks, Bickerstaff opined, ““An official told him (Bobcats guard Jason Hart) in the last game that we would not get calls because we complain. I’m just conveying what one of my guys told me.”
My suggestion is Bickerstaff should screen the Discovery Health Channel special “I Survived a 200 lb. Tumor”, so the Bobcats can see someone who really has something to complain about. Then they can wash it down with a warm glass of shut the hell up .
CHICAGO BULLS MARKETING DEPARTMENT- The team’s ad campaign for the 04-05 season boasted the slogan, “Thru Thick and Thin”. Implying of course, that this was the “thin”.
Now the team is actually decent, exposing the retardedness of the whole campaign.
“Hey I brought tickets for the express reason that you told me the team would suck!! I was planning on shelling out hundreds of dollars to watch a team that will win 15 out of 82 games! This is false advertising! I demand my money back!”
LEBRON JAMES, CAVALIERS- 2 triple doubles in one week. By the time all is said and done, he will surpass Michael Jordan as the greatest player of all time.
MANU GINOBLI, SPURS- Ginobli went off for 48 points in the Spurs’ statement win in Phoenix. Not only that but if you squint while watching him you swear that you are watching Vinny Del Negro.
EARL BOYKINS, NUGGETS- The 5-5 Boykins had 25 points and 10 assists to lead the Nuggets over the Grizz.
JAMEER NELSON, MAGIC- Nelson has been getting increased minutes and has been contributing on both ends of the floor for the Magic. That he can walk let alone play basketball after all the fellating he took from Dick Vitale and Co. last year is remarkable.
JOSH CHILDRESS, HAWKS- Childress had a career high 19 points in a win vs. Boston, showing maybe he has more to offer the Hawks than just a tight ass afro.
RIK SMITS, RETIRED PACERS- Smits was knighted by Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands at halftime of Saturday’s Pacers vs. Wizards game. Excelsior to you Sir Dunking Dutchman!
Well that brings this party to a close for this week. Thanks for reading and we’ll see you back next week, where we will examine the highs and lows of the 2004 season for NFC South teams, take a look at what teams are overrated and underrated in NCAA hoops, and check out who’s in and out in the AL Central. Catch you on the flippity flop space monkeys.
RIFYL THIS COLUMN
I would love to post links to some of the other columns on IP Sports but unfortunately I cannot speak or write Sanskrit which is required in order to do so. So we’ll do this the old fashioned word of mouth way. Check out Dr. Jay Gauss’ column for some baseball analysis that is actually thoroughly researched. Also, Lee Trundle’s international soccer column is great. If you are trying to get into the sport and Euro leagues as I have this is a great companion to your FOX Sports World and your GOL TV. Later!
