The Midnight News 01.27.05

Hey, I’m Chris and this is the Omega MidNews.

Don’t get used to this.

Let’s go…
.
IN-DEPTH SMACKDOWN REPORT

Hmm, yes, Smackdown. It’s been so long since I’ve done anything on Thursday I damn well forgot there WAS a show!

Then there is the little newsbite that UPN is going to kill off Smackdown because Viacom head Leslie Moonves wants to take UPN in a bold, startling NEW direction… and Les rarely, if ever, likes to cater to the mouth-breathers that make up professional wrestling fans…

Yes, EVEN you marks!

So everyone is saying that Smackdown is on its way out and by God McMahon is in for it NOW!! SOME folks, dreaming against all dreams, are gently wondering if this means the end of the brand split and the BEGINNING of the re-merger… which would, of course, mean that 30 top notch stars, many of them most of you already whine about not getting enough air time, would be jockeying for SOME airtime on Raw against established stars and political veterans and managerial favorites. JBL, Hunter, Orton, ‘Tista, Angle, ‘Taker, Cena, Jericho, Divas, Big Show, Kane… you know, all the ones you HATE… (Jericho’s there because SOMEONE has to put these people over).

Why is it that some of you really want to extension to end? What… do you people even THINK? I mean, do you think a merger would mean less time for Heidenreich? No, it’s BENOIT who’d get f*cked over… MYSTERIO…

And the current net fave, Paul London… you wouldn’t be able to find him on WWE TV with four hands and a flashlight!

Anyway, so the big cancellation of Smackdown was top of the news for all the sites… then that sadistic weasel Dave Meltzer decided to f*ck with your heads with this cryptic post:

Smackdown hasn’t been canceled.!

Which sent EVERYONE into a speculative tailspin…

Well… it sent the message boards into a speculative tailspin… but among the major news sites a small pissing contest commenced…

The Torch’s Wade Keller simply REFUSED to let Meltzer play his little mind games and show him up… so he went on the offensive:

The Wrestling Observer’s Dave Meltzer is reporting that Smackdown is not cancelled and that the reporter from the newspaper misinterpretted a statement from Viacom president Leslie Moonves.

PWTorch.com, though, independently contacted an informed WWE source who confirmed Viacom’s expressed intent to discontinue Smackdown. “No surprise on our end,” says the source regarding Moonves’s comments. “It could be a little bit of posturing regarding negotiations since Smackdown is their no. 1 show and networks don’t normally want to cancel their top rated vehicles.”

While saying Smackdown has been “officially cancelled” may indeed be premature, there is no misinterpreting the comments of the man in charge of UPN saying that Smackdown “doesn’t fit into the overall programming strategy” for the network which logically means there isn’t intent to continue with the show beyond its current contract.

The story, though, has not been picked up any of the TV trade journals at this point and WWE has not released any statements officially regarding the matter, so there is ambiguity regarding the situation. As stated hours ago in the “VIP Keller Audio Update,” with more than a year left before a final decision will have to be made regarding Smackdown’s future, it is too soon to fully interpret the actual ramifications of Moonves’s position.

Which, of course, ruined Meltzer’s fun and made him enhance his statement:

Smackdown hasn’t been canceled. Both UPN and WWE sources have said any decisions have been made that it won’t be renewed when the current contract expires are false. This “story” was one reporter a week ago misinterpreting something. The story, which would have been heavily reported within the TV industry if true and well known immediately within wrestling circles, was from from several days ago, passed along on the net over the past two days, nearly a week after it was originally published. It was then repeated without being checked.

It should be noticed that PW Insider, as of this writing, has yet to weigh in on this. Dave Scherer must be at the gym… I’m sure he’s panting… and sweating… and guzzling Evian…. old fart.

BREAKING NEWS… during their silly ass Internet Radio show (where they spent a great amount of time discussing comic books and comic book movies… which does NOTHING to break ANY sort of stereotypes about the kind of people who do Internet Wrestling shows) Mike Johnson bragged about breaking this story first, then spent a good 5 minutes bitching at web sites for stealing the news MINUTES after he broke it.

Oh…. get…. a… LIFE!

So where are we? Easy… no matter what happens, UPN will honor it’s contract with the WWE, PLENTY of time for Vince to either convince them to re-sign or make new arrangements.

Yeah, Smackdown will stay where it is until SEPTEMBER 2006!!!!!!!!!! So… assholes…. PLEASE STOP EULOGIZING THE DAMN SHOW

Ugh…. you are all complete homos.

Smackdown is on TONIGHT! And Kurt Angle actually WRESTLES! But the real story will be whether Amy Weber will make any sort of facial expression… a smile, a sneer, ANYTHING. Poor thing, she’s waaaaay too young for the botox injections.

And her lips rival Stratus’s tits in terms of over-enhanced…

Other than that, she show looks bad… as in not good.

But the OTHER real story… which is a much missed segment among you kids…

WHO SPOILED THE SPOILERS FIRST!!

Every week, the race is on to see which sites post the Smackdown spoilers first… this is SERIOUS buysiness, people… net credibility IS on the line… NET CREDIBILITY!!! THE STAKES DON’T GET MUCH HIGHER THAN THIS!!!

TUESDAY January 26, 2005: 12:51 AM: Some nitwit named Henry Petty, who’s name CLEARLY lives up to his lifestyle, RUSHED the results to Dave Meltzer and the Observer… because Meltzer isn’t treated as God ENOUGH… oh no… we have saps like Hank Petty who actually RACES HOME to fire off the spoilers to the web! I bet Hank didn’t even take off his Ruck Fules cap when he got home…. no, he BASHED through the door and RUSHED to his computer! Probably waking up his parents in the process…. loser…. get AIDS.

MONDAY, YES, MONDAY, January 25, 2005: no time given: How cool is Inside Pulse? Well, we are SO COOL that we actually HAVE A TIME MACHINE and were able to go TO THE FUTURE and see Meltzer’s post and cut and paste and POST THE RESULTS ON MONDAY INSTEAD OF TUESDAY!! So while IP reporter Kurt Oste… something Jewish stole it from Meltzer, he actually POSTED IT FIRST!!

Don’t believe me? check the date!

We have a time machine? And I wasn’t informed? THE HELL, WIDRO!! WHY WASN’T I INFORMED??? DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT SORT OF SHIT WE CAN STIR WITH A TIME MACHINE????

TUESDAY January 26, 2005: no time given: 411’s Ashish openly and freely steals the spoilers from INSIDE PULSE!!! WE KNOW WHICH SITE ASHISH IS CONSTANTLY MONITORING FOR GUIDANCE AND INFLUENCE!!! Problem is, Ashish actually prefers SLEEP to getting the spoilers up so he didn’t get his in until that morning.

TUESDAY January 26, 2005: 08:30 AM: Dave Scherer stops beating on his fat wife (“I’m in the gym 3 days a week!” *slap* “I should be banging SUPERMODELS!!” *whap*) long enough to pop up spoilers from some chick named “Tiffany Livingston”. There is something morbidly WRONG with those old, wheezy, miserable farts at PWInsider having a reader named “Tiffany”…. are you reading this Tiffany? Are you hot? IM me at Hyatte1com! I’m Hyatte…. cooler than Buck Woodward! Ladies love me! Why are you wasting your time with Dave Scherer? He wears a POMPADOUR for crying out loud!!!

TUESDAY January 26, 2005: 09:10 AM: Not only did 1wrestling get their spoilers in a full 40 minutes AFTER PWInsider… and a full 9 hours after Meltzer… and a full DAY after Inside Pulse… but Joey Styles did it HIMSELF!

Styles credits Henry Petty… which means he was too ashamed to admit that he stole it from Scherer, so he stole it from Meltzer… Styles is a tool.

TUESDAY January 26, 2005: 01:24 PM: Oh dear… some things never change. Wade Keller, a man DESPERATE to be a major web presense… simply and utterly REFUSES to swallow his pride and steal the spoilers from other sites (“Other sites?”, sez Wade, “You mean there are other web sites other than THE TORCH??”) is forced to twiddle his balls and wait for some kind, sympathetic Torch reader to send him the spoilers… which Robert Rimmer eventually did… possibly out of pity.

Robert Rimmer… heh, I bet! Rimmer…. HAW! *COUGHhomoHACK*

But alas… Keller didn’t even come in last… oh no, THAT honor belongs to none other than THE LORDS OF PAIN who, as of Thurday morning at 2:12 am have YET to put up their spoilers. Looks like someone’s parents forgot to PAY THEIR INTERNET BILL!!!!!!!! LOOOOSERS!! LOOOOOOOOSERS!!!

Heh… Lords of Pain… they ain’t kidding either, they are the MASTERS at inflicting migraines on any unsuspecting sap who tries to read their columns! They even got a clone of ME, colorfully named “Dumass:, who had the bright idea to do Anger Fueled- Cynical column. In his last one he promised that in his next column he’s going to “something that no one in the IWC has ever done for a column (at least, not that I can remember); I’m going to speak directly to my fans.

Yeah, no one EVER does that… oh no… no one.

And you don’t HAVE fans, you have READERS, you unoriginal f*ckhead.

Here’s a clue for all of you… when a writer wants to talk directly to his fans READERS, it means he officially thinks he is more interesting than the thing he’s talking about. I should know… it’s been my M.O. since…. forever.

Dumass is virtually unreadable… and a total fake, he isn’t that interesting.

So, to sum up… nothing has changed in the 4 months since I last examined who beat who in the spoilers… nothing…. not a thing.

Oh, except Inside Pulse has the ability to travel through time, and Widro is using this God-like power to beat everyone to the Smackdown spoilers!

And now for the main event… or the co-main event…

WRESTLEMANIA FOR THE UNEMPLOYED (PART 2)

So it was Sunday and there I was, cranking out the latest bit of mediocrity when I started doing a… *cough*…. report on the big to the Wrestle Reunion that’s happening this weekend.

And because I’ve got rage in me that would make a bear put on trousers just so he could shit in them, I started suggesting questions that anyone attending this thing could ask these people…

Then I looked at the website and got a look at all the names… all the people who would be attending… MAN… to suggest questions for all the names on the list would take up WAAAAAY too much column for the site, and you attention deficient creepos to handle…. so I decided to treat you to a second column… this one.

Thusforth… to continue and finish what I started…

QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ASK AT THE WRESTLEREUNION SHOW:

To Mick Foley

-Wasn’t “Tietam Brown” supposed to finally free you from this bullshit?

-Have you ever actually measured your ass?

-The f*ck are you doing putting over Samoa Joe?

-Why don’t you stop being coy and agree to wrestle Flair at Mania.

-Doesn’t it feel good to not have your livelihood controlled by Vince?

-Was it worth it, Mick?

-Why did you name your kid “Dewey” and not “Huey”? Or “Looey”?

-Who the hell buys those dumb children’s books?

-Would it kill you to say something not so nice about SOMEONE for once?

-Is there anyone you WON’T put over, for crying out loud?

to Magnum T.A.

-Hasn’t this injury angle gone on long enough?

-I’ll give you $20 if you do 5 jumping jacks.

-Who are you, now?

-Have you been able to have sex since you’re car wreck?

-I have Tom Selleck on the phone, he says it’s time to drop the “Magnum” part of your name.

To Abdullah The Butcher

-How is it you managed to avoid AIDS?

-Do those deep runnels of scar tissue on your forehead make girls horny?

-Could you re-enact sitting in the electric chair?

-If you jumped in the air and landed, how long would it take your body to stop jiggling?

-How does it feel to have bigger tits than Trish Stratus?

-Ever bang a white girl?

-How does it feel being the scariest black man in every room you’re ever in?

-Have you ever even seen the inside of a gym?

-Have you been trying to grow out that chinzy, weak mustache for 30 years?

-How many toilets have you destroyed while crapping?

-How does it feel being the only man in this place that Kevin Nash can beat in a foot race?

-What kind of moron stabs himself with silverwear?

To Roddy Piper

-Ever hear of Clinique?

-What’s your problem?

-Explain how Tim Brooks can manhandle your penis in order to yank out a growth and have it NOT be gay?

-What happened to “They Live 2”?

-What happened to you?

-Will you be as timely and as cutting edge as ever by cutting a promo where you compare Vince McMahon to Dan Quayle?

-Explain exactly how you are “Rowdy”?

-Does the expression, “It’s Over” mean anything to you?

To Dusty Rhodes

-Can you possibly get fatter?

-I’ll give you $20 if you can properly pronounce one sentence with more than 18 words.

-How can any girl get to your penis without breaking her neck under that goddam belly?

The Masked Superstar

-Oh for… take off that f*cking MASK!!!

-How do we know you’re you? You’re under a mask?

-Isn’t “Masked Superstar” an oxymoron?

-Do you wear the mask when you’re selling cars?

-Is “The Unknown Comic” your hero?

To Cowboy Bob Orton Jr.

-How’s the arm?

-Do you know which rat produced Randy?

-Do you care?

-Does Randy let you have his rat leftovers?

-Why does Randy look more like Paul Orndorff than his alleged “father”?

To “The Boogie Woogie Man” Jimmy Valient

-Ain’t you too old to be boogie woogie anything?

-Isn’t calling yourself “The Boogie Woogie Man” the same as calling yourself “Too Lazy and Dumb To Think Of Something Better”?

-Didn’t I see you fighting seagulls for the McDonald’s fries I tossed out of my car last week?

-Anyone ever tell you that long beards make you look like a douchebag?

-How much dried semen is in your beard?

-Think your career might have gone better if you lifted a single weight?

To Malia Hosaka

-Who the hell are you?

To Tully Blanchard

-Do you remember Tully Blanchard? Do you care

-Aren’t you glad Luger and Vicious made it so you weren’t the biggest loser who ever called himself a Horseman?

-Does Steve Austin call you for tips on how to properly slap the wife around?

-Where do you get the nerve to use something so silly as a Slingshot Suplex as a finisher?

-Babydoll was a man, right?

-How come Ric and Arn have paying WWE jobs and you were refilling my minibar a couple of hours ago?

-What kind of name is “Tully” anyway?

To “Playboy” Buddy Rose

-Oh My God, stop EATING!

To Chris Hyatte

-Why are you so obsessed with Trish Stratus?

-Why are you so proud to have online girls talking to you?

-What happened to you? Didn’t you used to be funny?

-Isn’t it over? Can’t you exit gracefully?

-What site do you write for now?

-How does it feel becoming everything you stood against a few years ago?

-Why don’t you just accept that you’re now a loser and get your own Live Journal?

-Hasn’t anyone told you that cool people don’t constantly write about how cool they are?

-What’s Flea really like?

-Why am I asking you a question when you aren’t at this Wrestlereunion?

Good question.

Anyway, I’m toasted out on these… and I’ve barely scratched the surface!

Oh, and IF you show up there, be sure to stay for the Royal Rumble…. because I somehow doubt you will EVER experience a WWE PPV quite like watching one with a bunch of pissed off old-timers…. OH, the rants that you will hear… OH it’ll be nasty!

I’m done. a special Mop-Up is on tap for Sunday. Be sure to read it.

Umm…. bye?

This is Hyatte