God, am I pissed off. As I’ve said before, one of the things that have kept me going at this job was the possibility of a promotion to a job that I know how to do out of lots of practice when I was employed by Illinois (the other is the pills). I can submit my promotion papers in mid-April. The problem is, they won’t be considered until I have an annual review on file, which I don’t, considering that this is my first year of employment with USDA. My annual review was supposed to take place in May, so there was only a little separation involved. My sanity would have been retained. Now, a memorandum has come down from an asshole in Washington saying that our analysis period for the review has been extended. My review now won’t take place until July. I figured I could handle three more months, but six months? I don’t think the pills will work that long. And since it takes time to process the paperwork, that means a minimum of fifteen months in this pissant town. The fates are conspiring against me yet again. I can’t catch a f*cking break, can I?
As I said, I’m pissed, and that’s going to extend to this Smackdown Short Form. I should treat it lightly, considering it’s the final set-up for Royal Rumble and the final reveal will be on Sunday. However, this puppy is going to be treated full-bore and at close range. It deserves it, because I need something to take it out on. So let’s just get on with it…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Eddy Guerrero, Booker T, and Rey-Rey over Orlando Jordan, Mark Jindrak, and Luther Reigns (Pinfall, Guerrero pins Jindrak, frog splash): Well, at least Rey-Rey won’t beat Eddy this week. Very formulaic tag match here, trying to cover for the weaknesses of Team Evil. However, it did its job as a hot opener, so I have to give it credit for that. Decent work by the faces here.
“Druid 4 Hire”? That’s the weirdest sign I’ve ever seen.
The Hilo con Eddy is becoming a standard move, I guess
Mark Jindrak: everybody’s bitch
And so is Orlando Jordan
See, I told you
Gee, Rey-Rey taking out Eddy. Like we haven’t seen that before.
Team Evil breaks down quickly
Well, even more quickly than we thought
John Cena over Kenzo Suzuki, United States Title Match (Pinfall, F-U): Oh, for f*ck’s sake, not these two again. And in a glorified squash match to boot. If you’ve ever wondered why the IWC has turned against Cena, this match is a great example of that.
There’s Cena, showing off again
Using the English announce table for a change
Suzuki actually gets some offense in
Ah, the ever-popular pimp slap
Paul London over Sho Funaki, Spike Dudley, and Shannon Moore, Fatal Four-Way Royal Rumble Qualifying Match (Pinfall, London pins Spike, 450 splash): Is anyone going to argue that the right guy didn’t go over? This is an attempted make-up for the continual misuse of London’s talents. I would have preferred this to be a Triple Threat for the Number One Contendership and a cruiser title match at RR. Funaki/London would have been a great addition to the roster, but I guess there’s time considerations to take into effect. Like they couldn’t shorten the UT/Heidenreich match for this one.
Spike gets the drop on London
Funaki’s backslide is usually a lot deadlier than this
That’s why we love Paul London. He does a great knee to the face.
London sends Shannon Moore flying
Kurt Angle versus High-Quality Speaker Boy, Last Man Standing Match (DCO): Okay, give credit to High-Quality Speaker Boy for taking eight German suplexes in a row from Angle. That spot was sweet. But, really, this was a misfit, and for once, High-Quality Speaker Boy wasn’t the one being misfitted. I tend to prefer LMS matches between two guys who can wrestle (and I would have killed for Angle/Benoit during the Smackdown Six period). This just didn’t float my boat that much. Good for a main event set-up for RR, but not that interesting of a match to me. And as for the booking, twenty minutes for a double count-out? Bullshit.
If Angle’s not standing, does that mean that the match is over?
Wait a second, High-Quality Speaker Boy doing a superplex?
In an LMS match, is it really necessary to hit your finisher?
Apparently, someone cut one within High-Quality Speaker Boy’s nasal range
Angle doesn’t seem to get along with the ringpost very well
I don’t care who knows, I mark out for Angle’s German suplexes
Personally, I wouldn’t have expected High-Quality Speaker Boy to be the bottom
Temporary Alliances: I have to say that it was a nifty idea to link Angle and High-Quality Speaker Boy so close to the Royal Rumble, when they’ll be competing against each other. It also gives a LOT of legitimacy to TBS as a real threat to capture the title. Sometimes “creative” can structure a situation very well. It’s rare, of course, but it still shows they have some potential to do things right. They usually end up screwing up upper-card angles, but this time they didn’t. Hooray for them. Of course, they immediately destroyed it, but we expected that. Ended up with a decent High-Quality Speaker Boy promo to boot, although he stumbled over his words a little.
Not only an unholy alliance, but a very crowded picture to boot
A Matter Of Trust: Nice promo between Eddy, Rey-Rey, and Booker. They got right to the point: if you were in the Royal Rumble, would you trust Eddy as a temporary partner? I know that I wouldn’t. Although we have to wonder: what is he going to do as a fake-out during the match? That’s going to be one of the better SE moments of the Rumble. It won’t help him win, but it’ll be good to see.
Booker and Rey-Rey shooting down Eddy’s enormous ego
Poetry Corner: Standard Heidenreich poem promo, but the screencap is too good to pass up:
Has he had his shots?
And to counter that, this week’s catfight moment: a strawberry smoothie
And now, since I have time to do this before making sure it’s not too late, the Return of the Impact Short Form…
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Kid Kash and Lance Hoyt over Chris Sabin and Jeffykins (Pinfall, Moneymaker, Time of Match: 4:38): What was promising to be a decent match (like Cash, love Sabin, don’t give a shit about Hoyt, and you know how I feel about Jeffykins) got turned into an angle advancement match when Abyss made the run-in. The good thing is that it got Jeffykins off of our screens, but that’s all.
Like Chris Sabin’s going to get a cross-body on Dall…oops, Lance Hoyt
Not the first time that Jeffykins has been manhandled
Kid Kash can do one helluva shoulderbreaker
Jeffykins lays into Abyss…yeah, right
Chris Candido over Sonny Siaki (Pinfall, rollthrough, Time of Match: 3:17): Well, it’s now official. Sonny Siaki is somewhere between a JTTS and jobber. That’s what happens when your last push comes again Gilberti and Swinger.
I don’t care, it’s good to see Chris Candido again
Candido knows how to play to the crowd with those chops
Monty Brown over Johnny Devine (Pinfall, Pounce, Time of Match: 1:55): Okay, okay, we get it already. Monty Brown is tough. Very tough. So tough he can handle a four-on-one. So why didn’t you give him the f*cking title at Final Resolution? Instead, he’s going to possibly get Scott Hall at That Phil Collins Song. Poor Monty. Why doesn’t he call up Wife-Beater and get his opinion on what a feud with Scott Hall means? Let’s hope and pray that Monty dodges this bullet and Page gets stuck with Hall instead.
Monty, meet boots. Boots, meet Monty.
Lucky for Petey Williams that Bobby Roode was there to break his fall
And this would be the Pounce
Scott Hall can’t see double if Monty Brown is tied up
Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas over Dustin Rhodes and Cassidy Riley (Pinfall, Stevens pins Riley, double-team neckbreaker, Time of Match: 2:37): So what do Erik Watts and Dustin Rhodes see in Cassidy Riley? Well…he can sell, I guess. And he’s got a cute tattoo on his lower back. But that’s about all.
Oh, God, Dustin Rhodes on the offensive
Gee, a heel taking advantage of a guy’s broken fingers? Who would have thought?
Frankie Kazarian, Michael Shane, and Elix Skipper over Konnan, B. G. James, and poor Ron Killings (Pinfall, Kazarian pins James, Shane-rference, Time of Match: 6:48): Yet another entrant in the “They Broke Up XXX For This?” Sweepstakes. Elix is in major trouble. Sure, this was the main event, but he’s teamed with the Heatless Wonders, two guys who have to face an announcer and a has-been at a PPV, and put up against 3 Live Fucking Cru. Why can’t he get the blowjob push that Daniels is getting? It’s a mystery to me.
Konnan shows his huge repertoire by getting a kick in on Kazarian
Michael Shane decides to talk smack to Ron Killings. Talking smack in the ring hasn’t been part of his cousin’s bag of tricks for years now.
Black-on-black violence is still a concern in the Impact Zone
Meeting Of Minds: Could there be anything more agonizing than watching Diamond Dallas Page and Scott Hall cut a promo with each other? Okay, having your pubic hairs ripped out by long-neck pliers, but anything else?
Oh, Wait, Now I Remember… To answer the last question, how about a Jeff Jarrett interview promo? That causes enough pain to make the guys at Abu Ghraib go “Shit, why didn’t we try that?” Thank God the crowd started “Boring” chants.
But that’s not it for the weekend. Of course, we still have the Royal Rumble Round Table coming up, and I’ve already submitted my predictions. So until then, have a great one, and stay tuned.