Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Oriental Delicacies, Inc. Chances are that if you’ve ever bought Chinese take-out, the little packets of soy sauce, sweet and sour sauce, and mustard are manufactured by this week’s sponsor. I am getting a month’s worth of mustard for this!
NEXT WEEK! The Saturday Swindle Sheet‘s 80th edition. IN TWO WEEKS! I have one of your favorite writers doing a guest spot while I wreak havoc on Amsterdam!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (GREATER THAN VERSION)
Mathan Erhardt > Diet Dr. Pepper > The Grudge > Limp Bizkit
David Tidmarsh > D’Estroyer > McDonald’s Premium Strips > Lars Ulrich
Gloomchen’s RSS Feed Ã¢â€°Â¥ Gloomchen > Journey Ã¢â€°Â¥ Foreigner
JJ Botter > The Late Night Jukebox > Southern Comfort > LFO
Gordi Whitelaw > organized religion > Air Canada > popcorn
Michael Chadwick > Daft Punk > Diet Coke > Bud Light
NEWS TO USE
Irv Gotti, owner of The Inc. record imprint (f/k/a Murder Inc., home of The Retarded DMX and Ashanti), was taken into custody for questioning by the FBI on Wednesday after being charged with money laundering over $1 million in drug money. Officials say that Gotti (nÃƒÂ© Irv Lorenzo) and his brother Chris Lorenzo, who was also arrested, exchanged funds with childhood friend and drug lord Kenneth “Supreme” McGriff over the past few years. The rap producer and his business associates at the label’s offices allegedly accepted several monetary gifts from McGriff, and also funded over $280,000 of his business expenses, such as travel and hotel accommodations, and bitches and hos. The brothers Lorenzo were released later in the day on respective $1 million bonds, having pleaded not guilty to any wrongdoing. Both Irv Gotti and McGriff’s attorney told reporters that Gotti had done nothing but tried to help out one of his old friends with legitimate monetary contributions. “I grew up poor from the streets so I have friends… Whatever, like that. So I don’t look bad at them for thinking ill things about me,” Gotti said as he left court. “No way, in any way, shape or form have I done anything wrong, except make great music that the people seem to love, and that’s all that I’m guilty of. Well, I suppose I am also guilty of referring to Ja Rule as a ‘great’ musician, but because of there being an overabundance of people out there who really like shitty music, I am richer than any of you pissants.”
Here's that picture again with Irv Gotti and The Retarded DMX, who might be making that stupid face as a result of being dumbfounded after Irv Gotti called him "great."
A 2003 court ruling in favor of former Cash Money hack Juvenile was affirmed in a Louisiana Court of Appeals after New Orleans-based DJ Jubilee claimed that he coined the phrase “Back That Ass Up,” as reflected in a song that he recorded in 1997. The original suit accused Juvenile of copyright infringement for his song, “Back That Azz Up,” which charted two years later. A judge ruled that DJ Jubilee was not a position to reap any benefits, as the songs were not similar enough for it to be a valid argument.
Uber-hyped British band Razorlight had to cancel the last remaining tour date of their U.S. tour (as well as a scheduled performance on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson) after lead singer Johnny Borrell came down with a case of laryngitis. Earlier in the week, the band had been playing in Denver when Borrell walked off of the stage after five songs and never returned. He later posted a message on the band’s Web site saying that he had been overcome by an inexplicable stage fright, and would play a free show next time he was in Denver. Why the hell he’d get stage fright is beyond anybody, but The Saturday Swindle Sheet‘s ace reporter Elliot Smilowitz tracked down Borrell in England for an EXCLUSIVE interview…
Elliot: So what exactly happened that one night in Denver?
Elliot: Oh yeah, that’s right. You have laryngitis and can’t speak.
Elliot: Why would you be so nervous if nobody’s ever heard of your band? It’s not like you’re Bruce Springsteen or something.
Elliot: Why is the mullet so popular in England?
Elliot: Why do you refer to the vegetables you put on a sandwich as “salad”?
Elliot: What does Lilt taste like?
Elliot: This interview is bombing fast… Straylight Run is better than your crappy band.
Elliot: You heard me.
Josh Todd and Keith Nelson recently announced that they would be reviving their former band, Buckcherry, with a new drummer and second guitarist. The band plans to release a new album later in the year. In other news, Josh Todd also announced that he is still in love with smack.
Nickelback’s drummer Ryan Vikedal has left the band. In a related story, Nickelback blows. More on this story as it develops…
Dashboard Confessional singer Chris Carrabba will temporarily reunite with Further Seems Forever to perform the band’s older songs at the Bamboozle festival on April 30th in Asbury Park, New Jersey.
The group USA for Africa plans to reissue the 1985 charity single “We Are the World” as a CD/DVD set, to help fund victims of AIDS and the recent tsunami. In its 20 years, the single has raised over $60 million.
Confirmed acts for next month’s Noise Pop festival in San Francisco include Mission of Burma, Hot Hot Heat, The Walkmen, The Polyphonic Spree, Nada Surf, Ted Leo & the Pharmacists, and Amon Tobin.
Millencolin, All-American Rejects, and Something Corporate have all just signed on for this year’s Warped Tour.
The fifth annual Honda Civic Tour will be headlined by Maroon 5, The Donnas, Phantom Planet, and The Thrills. It will kick off on March 11th in Universal City, California, and wrap up in Phoenix on May 11th.
Former Phish members Trey Anastasio and Mike Gordon will play separate sets at this year’s Bonnaroo festival in Manchester, Tennessee. Upon hearing this news, hippies everywhere rejoiced by smoking pot and playing hacky sack.
FROM THE LABELS
The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has some news pertaining to everyone’s favorite imp, Jermaine Dupri…
JERMAINE DUPRI NAMED PRESIDENT,
VIRGIN RECORDS URBAN MUSIC
PRODUCER BEHIND USHER’S CHART-TOPPERS
INKS MULTI-FACETED DEAL,
BRINGS HIS SO SO DEF LABEL TO VIRGIN
Dupri Produced and Co-Wrote Three of Four 2004 No. 1s
From Eight-Million-Selling Usher Album
NEW YORK, NY — Jermaine Dupri, a proven hit-maker and producer of three
Number One hits from the top-selling album of 2004, Usher’s Confessions, has been appointed President of Virgin Records Urban Music, a new division at the label, it was announced by Virgin Records Chairman and CEO Matt Serletic. As part of the arrangement, Dupri will bring the So So Def label into the Virgin family, and will oversee Virgin’s entire urban music operation. In addition, he will record as a solo act and produce artists on the Virgin roster, as well as provide his production services to the entire EMI family of labels.
In the newly created position, Dupri will report directly to Matt Serletic, and to Larry Mestel, Virgin COO/General Manager, on operational matters. He will also work closely on a day-to-day basis with Lionel Ridenour, Virgin Executive Vice President Urban Music. Dupri will be based in Atlanta and New York.
“Jermaine Dupri’s outstanding work has extended in every direction since the mid-Nineties: as a producer and songwriter, as an entrepreneur, as a label executive and as a recording artist,” Matt Serletic said. “All of us at Virgin are thrilled to welcome Jermaine to the company. We know that his remarkable ability to identify and develop talent will continue to build great careers in the years to come, while bringing innovative and refreshing ideas to well-established acts.”
Dupri commented: “I am happy to join the Virgin Records family, and look forward to working with Matt, Larry, Lionel and the whole Virgin Records team. As the new President of Urban Music for Virgin Records, I’m up for the challenge. My strengths as a producer and hit-maker were magnified this year with the success of my work with Usher. By joining So So Def and Virgin, I plan to do for Virgin what Russell Simmons did 10 years ago, when he moved Def Jam to Island Records. I will catapult Virgin into a young, hip label with chart-topping success in both R&B and rap music. I also hope to change the whole look of the company so when up-and-coming R&B and hip hop artists are looking for a home, Virgin will be the first stop.”
“Jermaine Dupri is such a unique talent,” Larry Mestel added. “He is a rare blend of artist, talent magnet, creative visionary and businessman. We are very lucky to have the opportunity to add someone of Jermaine’s stature in the creative community to our senior management team. I feel very fortunate to work with Jermaine again.”
Jermaine Dupri was nineteen when he produced his first Number One record on the Billboard Hot 100, Kris Kross’ 1992 single, “Jump.” The five-million-plus sales of the teen duo’s Ruffhouse/Columbia album Totally Krossed Out led to the 1993 establishment of the So So Def label, and marked Dupri among the foremost young entrepreneurs driving the arrival of hip-hop as a central creative and commercial force in mainstream music. So So Def became known as an engine not only of hit records, but of artist development, as members of his first signed act, Xscape, themselves became hit songwriters after scoring two platinum albums as artists, and Da Brat became the first female solo rapper to attain platinum album sales. Since then, So So Def ‘s vocal group Jagged Edge and rapper Bow Wow both sold at the multi-platinum level, and the label turned in two of 2004’s signature party jams, “Tipsy,” by J-Kwon and “Damn!” by the Youngbloodz featuring Lil Jon; but it was the breakout success of So So Def’s soul man and five-time Grammy nominee Anthony Hamilton that helped to continue So So Def’s reign as one of the premier R&B/rap labels.
As an independent producer, Dupri helmed the massive take-off of LaFace/Arista artist Usher in 1997 with his productions of “My Way,” “You Make Me Wanna…” and the Billboard pop Number One “Nice & Slow.” Dupri also produced and co-wrote the Number One pop smash “U Got It Bad” from Usher’s 8701 album.
In 2004, a succession of three Dupri-produced hits (“Burn,” “Confessions Part II” and “My Boo,” a duet with Alicia Keys) helped drive over eight million sales of Usher’s Confessions album, making it the best-selling album of the year. A six time Grammy nominee, Dupri is twice-nominated this year for the Best R&B Song Grammy, for co-writing “Burn” and “My Boo,” and he shares the nomination for Album of the Year for his production and engineering/mixing work on Confessions.
Dupri has also produced, executive-produced, remixed or recorded with such artists as TLC, Whitney Houston, Aretha Franklin, Aaliyah, Jay-Z, Chingy, Ludacris and Toni Braxton, and he produced and co-wrote the Billboard Hot
100 Number Ones “Always Be My Baby” by Mariah Carey and “The First Night” by Monica.
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEMS OF 2004
At first I was going to run it as a stand-alone piece, and then I realized that since the whole idea was spawned by this column, I’d just run it in here anyway. Some of these blurbs were literally C&P’d from past Swindle Sheets, while others have been added afterwards.
(January 2, 2004)
Russian lesbo-pop duo TATU announced their plans to enter the upcoming Russian presidential race in March. They would be running as a dual candidate, and representatives for the band plan to collect signatures in support of getting the girls on the ballot. Save for Russian law being opposed to dual candidacies for head of state, and the girls being almost half of the minimum candidate age of 35, this is still a horrid idea. Not event Fred Durst is enough of an attention-seeking media-whore waste of skin to try something like this. Probably.
(January 5, 2004)
Jason Alexander (left) picked the really cool and equally popular haystack backdrop for his senior picture. Meanwhile, Britney Spears (right) ditched his ass and has already remarried, setting the Elizabeth Taylor Continuum into action.
Britney Spears proved that she is still a complete and utter media whore by marrying a childhood friend for a couple of days. Spears and Jason Alexander married in a small Las Vegas chapel earlier in the week. The couple apparently wore jeans and t-shirts, and say that the whole thing was just a joke gone way too far. They annulled it shortly thereafter.
(January 13, 2004)
Prince Charles sent Ozzy Osbourne a bottle of scotch as a get-well gift after an ATV accident the past December left him hospitalized for several weeks. Apparently, Charles was oblivious to the fact that Ozzy is a recovering alcoholic. I, of course, find this to be absolutely hilarious, and quite ridiculous to boot.
(February 1, 2004)
If your dad wasn't aware of the existence of nipple plates before, he sure is now!
Kid Rock: "Hello!?! Human flag here! Awww, c'mon! I stayed up all night dying my underwear!"
The AOL/MTV Top Speed halftime show during Super Bowl XXXVIII was absolutely horrid. Featuring a smorgasbord o’ shite that included the likes of The Sycophantic Shithead, Nelly, and Kid Rock, it needed something to save it from being an absolute stinker. While a performance by A Tribe Called Quest or System of a Down or something may have been a bit more appropriate, final performers Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake decided to do something that would go down in the annuls of time as possibly the most outrageous thing to happen during a Super Bowl halftime show… Timberlake, who performed a medley with Jackson, leading them to the center of the stage for the end of the performance, reached over at the end of the song and pulled off a piece of Jackson’s costume, revealing her naked right breast in all of its glory. As calls flooded in from outraged Americans, representatives for Jackson claimed that the incident was the result of a “wardrobe malfunction,” as her bra was to be exposed and not the bare breast. Well, in that case, that would have been just fine for the widely family audience. Many conflicting reports arose, as Jackson told reporters that “[t]he decision to have a costume reveal at the end of my halftime show performance was made after final rehearsals,” and “MTV was completely aware of it.” However, earlier in the week, prior to the game, MTV.com ran a teaser saying, Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl show promises shocking moments. The FCC fined Viacom $550,000 in a Notice of Apparent Liability of Forfeiture, while Timberlake and Jackson more or less received slaps on the wrist. However, that wasn’t the only issue that occurred during the halftime show, as the aforementioned Kid Rock caught heat from the Veterans of Foreign Wars for his costume during his performance; an American flag with a slit cut in it where he wore it like a serape. A VFW official told reporters that the outfit was “in poor taste and extremely disrespectful”, and was upset that the NFL, CBS, and MTV had issued public apologies for The Boob Incident but not for that. The Patriots won the game.
(February 6, 2004)
David Hasselhoff, whom Germans apparently love, feels left out that there is no picture of him hanging in the museum at Checkpoint Charlie. The actor/singer feels disappointed, since he was on-hand when the Berlin Wall fell, singing “Looking for Freedom” at the Brandenburg Gate. Hasselhoff said that his performance moved people on both sides of the wall. Yeah, so did the wall coming down.
(February 6, 2004)
The pooch has been screwed once again by Dubbya and the government, vis-ÃƒÂ -vis Cuban music award nominees. As you may recall from last fall, several Cuban nominees could not attend last year’s Latin Grammy Awards in Miami on account of their visas being denied by U.S. authorities, who said that they had not been processed soon enough. This year’s Grammy Awards ceremony was supposed to include some Cuban artists, including Ibrahim Ferrer of Buena Vista Social ClubÃ¢â‚¬â€whose album Buenos Hermanos was nominated for an awardÃ¢â‚¬â€as well as Amadito Valdes, Barbarito Torres, Guillermo Rubalcaba. However, this year the visas were processed in time, but were denied anyway. Government officials cited a part of the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Law that stated that the President has the power to “deny entry to foreigners when their visit is deemed detrimental to the interests of the United States.” The Cuban Vice Minister of Culture said at recent press conference, “Something as noble as music is being converted into a policy against Cuba.” U.S. officials replied by citing a 1985 U.S. presidential proclamation that prohibits Cuban government officials from entering the United States, saying, “Most Cuban artists are compensated by the Cuban government and are therefore employees [of the Cuban government, and money raised from their performances] financially enriches the Castro regime.” This is one of most ridiculous things ever, seriously. It still amazes me how Cuban refugees who manage to float to Florida illegally on hollowed out Buicks are given asylum, yet Grammy Award (an American honor) nominees are refused the ability to attend a four-hour awards show because they are seen as “detrimental” to U.S. safety. I’m not sure, but I’d be willing to bet that Seth Monroe had something to do with this. I AM AN EVIL MEXICAN! WE WILL RULE THE WORLD! Ã‚Â¡ARRIBA!
(February 13, 2004)
When the Tommy Tutone song first came out in 1982, people who had the phone number 867-5309 where enraged due to the influx of prank calls that they received. Well, now it appears as if the whole 80s-being-cool-again thing has garnered a heavy interest in owning this number, as it is currently up for bid on eBay. The number, (212) 867-5309 has several bidders, the highest as of right now being $2648.99. The winner will have the opportunity to have the number transferred to their mobile or Internet line. After this auction closes, please call this person and tell them that they are a f*cking choad.
(February 25, 2004)
A man from Rochester, New York has filed two lawsuits against Sum 41 for heckling and throwing a hot dog at him during a minor league baseball game. Some footage from said incident was actually taped and included on the supplementary DVD for the band’s album, Does This Look Infected? Michael Sudore owns a home-improvement business, and was unaware of the footage until it was shown to him by a client. He is suing the band for $6 million due to psychological trauma and “adverse effects in his business because of his inadvertent association with Sum 41.” What the f*ck is this suing people for “psychological trauma” shite? Maybe I should sue Everyone’s Favorite Guy for my not being able to escape his ugly mug since he’s been plastered all over the f*cking media for the past five years. Believe me, having to hear that awful cover of “Behind Blue Eyes” ranks up there with having your head dunked in the toilet in 8th grade. However, as far as Sum 41 goes, if them losing this case will take them away forever, then so be it.
(March 6, 2004)
Jessica Simpson appeared at a Boston-area Wal-Mart to promote her new album and to sign autographs; however, the appearance was ended early by local police after the crowd turned ugly. Local authorities were expecting no more than 1,000 people at the signing, but were instead met by over 5,000 screaming adolescents. Some people waited in line over night, and even tried to hide inside the store after it closed the previous night to ensure that they would get to meet Simpson. Fans were let in by groups of 10 about every ten minutes, after it was apparent that not everyone would get to meet the singer, the crowd started to get out of hand. Three teenyboppers were arrested for disorderly conduct, and another was charged with assault and battery after she scratched an officer in the face as he tried to subdue her. This just further proves my point that Jessica Simpson should stop catering to young, immature audiences and take up a career in hardcore porn. Everybody wins in that one.
(March 8, 2004)
American Idol 3 loser William Hung managed to land a recording deal with Koch Records, which is also home to Opeth (think about that hard enough and your head will implode), despite being an awful singer and not even making it past round one in the contest. This just proves that (A) There is no God (sorry Mitch), (B) American Idol is a total sham (I want my f*cking Boston Public back, bitches), and (C) you should never try at anything, because untalented hacks will always find a way to steal your job. Quit college and move on with your mediocre life.
(April 1, 2004)
Roadrunner Records’ UK website made a post on April Fools’ Day saying that they had signed Guns N’ Roses and would be releasing Chinese Democracy sometime around Christmas. If you were one of the people who actually believed this, you should be kicked in the face, for everyone knows that Chinese Democracy will not be out until 2025. Your kids will love it.
(May 29, 2004)
A member of Greenland’s parliament was arrested in the town of Sisimiut, after having broken into a hotel and stolen liquor. Jensine Berthelsen told local police that she was stuck out in the cold and broke into the hotel because “there was no other way to get in.” She had then taken the liquor in order to stay warm. After being given the choice of either paying a fine or going to court, Berthesen decided to go to trial, saying that paying a fine would be an admission of guilt, and she had done what she had done in “self-defense.”
(June 15, 2004)
50 Cent threw a temper tantrum at Hot 97’s Summer Jam in New Jersey after the crowd’s reaction to his set wasn’t what he’d expected. He said to the crowd, “I want y’all to know I know you love me.” After received more of what he found to be a lackluster response, he further antagonized the crowd, some of whom started throwing chairs at the stage. Concert organizers asked him to get off of the stage, but he refused to do so, instead ripping on R. Kelly, who was set to perform immediately after him, by citing his legal troubles in Chicago. The local police were called, and as they approached the stage, 50 Cent chided, “Go ahead, pull me off… I’ll sell even more records.” Eventually, the rapper’s microphone was cut off, and he angrily slammed it to the ground before storming off stage.
(June 22, 2004)
David Bowie was hit in the eye by a lollipop whilst performing at the Norwegian Wood festival in Oslo last Friday. He was halfway into the third song of his set when somebody in the crowd through a lollipop that hit him square in the eyeball, getting lodged in his eyelid. Bowie turned around and hunkered down, holding his face. However, he wasn’t seriously injured, and was standing and facing the crowd a few minutes later. He then proceeded to curse at whomever had thrown the object, asking them to come forward, which they did not. “Lucky you hit the bad one,” Bowie said, referring to an injury he had sustained during a childhood fight. Local media were able to track down the woman who had thrown the lollipop, but did not publish her name. He had said that it was an accident and that she hadn’t meant to hit Bowie. She then threw lollipops at the eyes of all the reporters and ran off, cackling. I will personally pay for this woman to attend every show on the next Limp Bizkit tour.
(June 29, 2004)
Debra Lafave had posed in Makes & Models magazine just after turning 18. Where the hell were these kinds of teachers when I was 14?
Debra Beasley Lafave, a Tampa Bay-area reading teacher, was accused of having sexual intercourse with her 14-year-old student over the course of a month, including at her apartment, in the classroom, and in her SUV as the boy’s 15-year-old cousin was driving. Lafave, 23, and the student had gotten close while on a school field trip, during which time she told him that her marriage was on the verge of failing, and that she was turned on by the fact that having sex with him was forbidden. She was charged with five counts of lewd and lascivious sex acts with a minor. Her trial is set for 4/25/05, at which she is reportedly planning to enter a not guilty by reason of insanity plea, with the defense that she was distraught because her marriage was falling apart.
(August 10, 2004)
Brian Teasley, a member of the 25-member cult-cum-band The Polyphonic Spree, inadvertently caused a bit of a rhubarb at Dallas Fort Worth-International Airport last Thursday when he brought a custom-made microphone into the building. Teasley, a percussionist for the band, was coming from a performance on a television taping of Austin City Limits, and was planning on doing some recording when he got to his home in Birmingham, Alabama. However, the suitcase got flagged by baggage screeners because of several wires and threading caps that were contained within the microphone. It caused the closing of five gates, as well as a bomb disposal robot being brought in. When he got to the airport in Birmingham, Teasley had thought that his case was misplaced by luggage handlers, and just filled out some paperwork with the airline. When he got home, though, he was greeted by federal agents who had no doubt figured out that Teasley was part of the cult known as The Polyphonic Spree, and that his bomb disguised as a microphone could had to potential to cause catastrophic damage that only the likes of Lil Jon could dream of causing. The Polyphonic Spree MUST BE STOPPED. Sorry, Elliot…
(August 24, 2004)
The state of Illinois filed a lawsuit against the Dave Matthews Band for an August 8th incident in which the band’s tour bus reportedly dumped over 800 pounds of sewage from their septic tank and down through the metal grating of the Kinzie Street Bridge. The entire contents of the septic tank were more than likely intended to drop into the Chicago River, but instead landed on a tour boat that was filled with over 100 people. While the driver of the bus has said that he was not involved in the incident, the city of Chicago has surveillance footage showing a bus that closely resembles the band’s tour bus going over the bridge; at almost the same exact time that the boat was reportedly showered with human waste. When asked how it feels to be showered with human waste, one the tour boat’s passengers said, “Hey, it could have been worse. It could have been the Limp Bizkit tour bus showering us with their music.”
(August 24, 2004)
According to the UK’s The Times, a British man happened upon a cache of Beatles items while perusing an Australian flea market. Fraser Claughton was shopping in a small town outside of Melbourne when he saw a suitcase that he decided to take a look at. Upon lifting the item, Claughton realized that there were other items inside of it, and after taking a look, he offered the unsuspecting vendor a sum equal to about $36. The items, which Claughton said included photos, concert programs, and even some audio tapes (reportedly labeled, “Abbey Road…not for release”), were later found to be nothing more than a fraud from a man who wanted to see his name pasted all over the media. A memorabilia expert from the British Beatles Fan Club examined the items, and found that they included photocopied ticket stubs, as well as fraudulent photographs and tapes that did not contain any sort of rare Beatles recordings. Good, because I detest The Beatles, thanks mostly in part to my dad.
(September 3, 2004)
The UK’s JW Lees Brewery recently named a beer after Madonna to coincide with the Manchester leg of her Reinvention Tour. It is called Material Girl Ale, and those who have tasted it say that it has a nutty flavor. In other news, the preceding story has broken the record previously held by the story about 50 Cent being a judge at a banana cream pie making/gun shooting contest in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky, for having the largest possible number of punch lines.
(September 11, 2004)
I can't make this stuff up, folks...
A CD was released near the end of summer as a tribute to Chicago Cubs outfielder Sammy Sosa, called Sammy Salsa. The main song on the album is also called “Sammy Salsa,” and it features a traditional salsa dance beat with choreographed dance moves to be performed along with the song, including pounding on one’s heart and sending out kisses [to fans]. Even though, as Chicago area Hispanic, I refuse to acknowledge it, this apparently became a huge hit in Chicago-area salsa clubs. The dance also had a website to go along with it, but after Sammy’s postseason falling out with his team, the owners shut it down. Good. Let the preceding column be the very last time that anyone ever mentions or remembers this abomination.
(October 24, 2004)
Ashlee Simpson was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live, and her first performance, of “Pieces of Me” was insipid. Few things could have topped it on the crap-o-meter, except for it to be revealed to millions of people that you intended to lip-synch your way through an entire song, as was what happened on this fateful night. Simpson planned to perform “Autobiography” during the second segment, but as the band started to play the music, the lyrics for “Pieces of Me” were once again played overhead. Simpson jumped around awkwardly before making a beeline through the crowd for the exit. She later blamed her band for playing the wrong song, while many people pointed out that had they played the song to go along with the piped-in lyrics, it would have been exactly what they’d played earlier. Simpson’s father later told reporters that she had been dealing with an acid reflux problem and that’s why she had needed the aid of a backing track. However, it would seem a bit cruel for a father to force his daughter to perform in a segment that NBC was on the verge of cutting if she had a career-threatening infirmity. Parents just don’t understand… Watch the whole debacle right here.
(November 19, 2004)
Little known Ron Artest fact: When provoked, Ron Artest unleashes his "ass hand," which has been known to choke and slap would-be assailants.
Arguably the worst brawl in NBA history occurred at the Palace in Auburn Hills, outside of Detroit, as the hometown Pistons were hosting the Indiana Pacers. It started just 45.9 seconds before the end of the game, with a scuffle betwixt Pistons center Ben Wallace and Pacers forward Ron Artest (in which Wallace shoved Artest), after which a fan tossed a cup of beer onto Artest as he was laid out on the scorers’ table. Being an already volatile character, Artest proceeded to charge the stands and swung at several fans. It was BONZO GONZO as teammate Stephen Jackson also jumped into the stands, dropping one fan after punching him square in the face. The melee was finally broken up as the players were all directed back to the floor, however, after a group of fans walked out onto the court to shout at Artest, he charged at one of them with CLUBBING FOREARMS. As Artest was brawling with that fan, teammate Jermaine O’Neal came from off of the court and cold-cocked another fan, dropping him, as he himself also slid to the floor. After various objects were propelled towards players near the scorers’ table, the officials decided the stop the game early, as the Pacers won, 97-82. Teammate Reggie Miller and other team officials escorted Artest to the locker room as fans doused him with beer, food, and garbage. ***1/2 NBA commissioner David Stern suspended Artest for the rest of the season (a total of 73 games) without pay, as Stephen Jackson got 30 games and Jermaine O’Neal got 25 games. Ben Wallace received a 6-game suspension. “We have to make the point that there are boundaries in our games,” Stern told reporters at a press conference. “One of our boundaries, that have always been immutable, is the boundary the separates the fans from the court. Players cannot lose control and move into the stands.”
(November 22, 2004)
A 13-year-old boy from Virginia Beach was arrested and held in a local detention center after supposedly attempting to abduct an exotic dancer at gunpoint. Police said that the boy had set up an appointment with the dancer, and had her come to a condemned house that he pretended was his. When the dancer arrived and realized that the boy was a juvenile, she was told that an older brother had called for her services. After waiting for a short time, she decided to leave, but was stopped by the boy, who was aiming a shotgun at her. He told her to dance otherwise he would kill her, but she was able to divert the boy’s attention long enough to grab her cell phone and call 911. The boy tried to wrest the phone away from her, but she bit down on his hand, breaking free and running out to her car to escape. The boy was charged with abduction by force, conspiracy, use of a firearm in the commitment of a felony, and brandishing a firearm, as well as transporting and possessing a firearm while being underage.
I could have added more non-music things, but this thing has already taken me long enough…
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Stone Temple Pilots, “Bing Bang Baby”
Young MC, “Bust a Move”
The Kinks, “You Really Got Me”
George Thorogood & the Destroyers, “Move It On Over”
Weezer, “Hash Pipe”
Tiger Army, “True Romance”
Dire Straits, “Money for Nothing”
Ice Cube, “Check Yo Self” (Rmx)
The Crystal Method, “High Roller”
Queen, “You’re My Best Friend”
Ramones, “Beat on the Brat”
Motley Crue, “Girls, Girls, Girls!”
Cool Breeze, “Watch for the Hook” [f/OutKast, Goodie Mob, Witchdoctor]
Love and Rockets, “Holiday on the Moon”
Thievery Corporation, “Indra”
Freestylers, “Here We Go” [f/Definition of Sound]
Bauhaus, “The Passion of Lovers”
Quasimoto, “Put a Curse on You”
Roots Manuva, “Strange Behaviour”
DJ Spiller, “Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love)”
1000 Homo DJs, “Supernaut”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
New York’s urban radio station Hot 97 is being admonished for insensitivity and racism after the Miss Jones in the Morning show aired a song called “The Tsunami Song,” which is a parody of “We Are the World.” The song includes such lyrics as, You could hear God laughing/ Swim, you bitches, swim. and So now you’re screwed/ It’s the Tsunami/ You’d better run, or kiss your ass away/ Go find your mommy, I just saw her float by/ A tree went right through her head/ And now your children will be sold into child slavery. The station also posted the song on its Web site, under the heading of “Funny Shit.” After Miss Info, an Asian woman who is part of the show’s cast, voiced her outrage at the song while on the air, Miss Jones told her, “All you Asians think you’re superior.” Todd Lynn, also a member of the cast, added that he wanted to “shoot some Asians.” Miss Jones and the rest of the morning team were suspended indefinitely and would have an entire week’s worth of their pay taken and donated to tsunami relief funds. I don’t think this is enough. Miss Jones and the other yokels should be terminated. Think about if the shoe were on the other foot, sort of, and it was a cast of white people talking about how black people think they’re so good and someone said that they’d like to shoot some black people. I guarantee that entire cast would be fired and would probably never be able to find jobs again. If you’re going to be hardcore PC about some things, you can’t slack on other things.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m the one they call Dr. Feelgood.