My T.V. Reality: Vashti\'s Viscious Volume

Other Schtuff

The Online Dating Chronicles, Week 2- So, lo and behold, out of the nine different women I sent e-mails to, via the online personals service(see last week for how it all started), one responded back. Which of course is one more reply than I expected. The other eight all died of SARs within minutes of reading my e-mail, which is the reason they couldn’t reply back to me. I saw it on the news, it has to be true.

This girl and I started writing back and forth to each other via e-mail, and gave me her phone number. I called her on Friday, for three hours, and we made plans to meet each other for Saturday.

We were supposed to meet at 4:30 to go to the Chocolate Moose open mike night, where she would have seen me do live poetry. You can already tell what happened (or what didn’t for that matter) based on that sentence. We didn’t go, because somehow someway we stood each other up. Since neither of us drive, we were supposed to meet in front of one place(the main building of Broward Community College), but apparently she thought I said the main entrance where the cars come in.

She waited for ten minutes before giving up and going home.

I waited for two hours. Two hours of utter shame and sadness. I’ve been stood up many times, but it never gets old. You can’t feel “less forgotten”. And since I still haven’t seen what she looks like, every woman that passed by was her. She was a fifty year old Japanese jogger, a thirty-year old Jamaican, a forty-year old dog-walker. And the worst part of it all was that the batteries died in my headphones. If I’m going to feel miserable, I prefer to have a soundtrack to get me through it. I had the best of Nick Drake and Joanna Newsom on me, so it might have been a blessing in disguise.

I had to take two buses and walk a mile home ( Weekend bus schedules are f*cked up in Florida), but I finally got home. And I called her. In mind I believed that she realized how horrible of a person I actually am and that was that. Either way, I just wanted to hear the excuse and be done with the disaster that the evening had brought thus far. She told me the truth, and though I was mad that she only waited ten minutes (Two hours is extreme, but you should at least wait thirty!), it was a relief to know that she actually waited. It might not have been at the right place, but she did. As for how long each of us waited, I think that it’s indicative of our personalities. I was utterly hopeful, believing that she would come, and she was utterly hopeless, thinking that I’d blown her off. That last sentence can be misinterpreted in so many ways. Have fun with it, I’ll wait.

Me calling her to find out the excuse turned into a five-hour conversation. I don’t think since I first start dating Christine all those many years ago did I stay on the phone that long. I did do most of the talking, but still, five hours is five hours, and that’s impressive. We rescheduled, and hopefully we’ll see each other Thursday. At the right place and time.

News in Haikus

Life as We Know It
A show about horny teens
Is over for good

Lewis Black’s ready
To expand his resume
With a failed sitcom

Todd Mcfarlane
Is planning someTwisted Tales
Can’t be worse than Spawn

The Column Proper

Last week I wrote a column in which I joked about tsunamis and violent lesbians. I have to admit, I wasn’t the least bit fearful when I typed it out and sent it in the queue to be posted. I can stand by my opinions and have always relished my dark sense of humor. Somehow, I don’t think it’s going to be enough this week. As negative as it sounds, I’m going into this week with the preconception that I’m going to fail. Fail miserably. I’m going to discuss a touchy subject which I have strong convictions about. Based on the way I was born, I’ve been told its best not to express these convictions, but where else would I do it but here, and to whom else would I speak with but you, my anonymous loyal readers? You, have been there from the beginning or are here for the first time. You, who, to paraphrase Abba, “Have taken a chance on me”. If anyone knows what I’m like and can deal with what I have to say it’s you. So here it goes:

I miss Homeboys in Outer Space

Really badly. I know it’s almost been ten years but I’m still not over it. I can’t find it on DVD and I doubt we’ll ever see it there. The show for those of you who don’t remember, or for those of you who choose to forget, followed the adventures of two dopes traveling across the galaxy in their broken down Space Hoopty. They hung out at the local space bar trading drinks and stories with Pippin (played by James Doohan a.k.a. Scotty) while being chased and harassed by gruff bounty Vashti and still finding the time to go off on different adventures throughout the galaxy. It was a mix of sci-fi parody and urban humor, which let’s face it, hadn’t really been done before outside of that “Wrath of Farah-Khan” spoof on In Living Color (Now there was a GREAT show). But the NAACP got preachy, and the show was yanked off the air. It wasn’t cancelled because of low ratings, but at the behest of a self-interest group. The same group that made it so that Song of the South can’t be released in the U.S.. They were ridding the world of entertainment for their own benefit. How admirable.
They claimed that Homeboys portrayal of blacks was stereotypical and therefore racist. . I can see how it can be interpreted that way if you’re just looking to be offended, but it was a comedy! Comedy revolves around stereotypes. That’s what makes it funny. If the Three Stooges were only stupid enough to get a paper cut and not dumb enough to beat the ever-lovin crap out of each other, it wouldn’t be funny. The show never took itself seriously. It was twenty-two perfect minutes of escapism. You know, the kind of thing people look for in a sitcom. Comedy is that diversion that helps flee the sorrow of our own lives. I got my ass kicked in middle-school while this show was on the air, but I didn’t think about it or the other things that bothered me. I soaked in the zaniness and loved every minute of it. That must have bothered the NAACP to no end.
The creators of Homeboys took a risk. They tried to do something different and for that they were persecuted by politically correct morons. Now don’t get me wrong, I think the NAACP has done many great things and still has a valid place in society. There are many steps that need to be taken to guarantee the same rights and freedoms for everyone, but let’s face it, that’s not going to happen by yanking off a harmless space comedy. And besides, if we have to trade in every offensive joke and tasteless program in exchange for world peace are we really going to be better off?
You want to really make a difference? Get BET off the air. A network that claims to represent an entire demographic by showing five types of programming. Am I supposed to think that the only thing blacks like watching as a people is church services, rap videos, reality show rip-offs, Mario Van Peebles movies from the 90s (Before he was Badasss and just plain bad. Solo, anyone?), and infomercials? Isn’t it infinitely more racist to create a network that falsely represents the tastes of its people and instead only perpetuates stereotypes and misconstrued notions than to show two black guys traveling space with their computer Loquatia? Am I supposed to watch BET and believe that this is what blacks want? That they would chose willingly to have their horizons limited and be categorized so narrowly?
If a show gets cancelled because it’s not pulling in its expected ratings I can accept that. In fact I relished it for two straight weeks last month. I might be sad that I’ll no longer be able to view a show each week, but I can rest knowing it was given it’s shot and got shot dead on arrival for whatever logical reason. This on the other hand, sickens me to this day. You may agree with what the NAACP’s decision, but let me ask you this? Will you still feel that way when a show you like is taken off the air as a means of fulfilling one group’s political agenda? What if the AARP had taken action to remove The Golden Girls or if GLAD petitioned to rid the world once and for all of Will and Grace? I hate that show with a fiery passion, but I’d never want to see it cancelled for unjust reasons.
I told you I’d fail this week. But you know what? I don’t feel so bad anymore. Now how about UPN brining back The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer (pronounced Puh Fifer) back while were at it? We need more Chi McBride on the tube! Okay, I’m just being greedy now. Might as well quit while I’m ahead.

See you next week, when I’ll be presenting The Bowlies, the first ever awards show for Superbowl commericials and then the next two weeks after that I’ll be reviewing Superman: The Animated Series on DVD, followed by my salute to who I think is the most influential African American T.V. icon ever!!! All that, the haiku news, and the ongoings of my personal life!! February is going to be a fun month, so make like a radioactive science teacher and stick around.

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