On the heels of Royal Rumble and the Royal Rumble Report, we are live for the Monday Night Rabble.. but since you aren’t sitting with me – it’s only more of a modified live. Trust me, I’m alive. Joining us tonight is Laura, Eric G, Hernandez, and Jenna. Danielle is out on sickness leave, but we hope for a speedy recovery, because I miss her. (Awwww..)
If you are here for your “WAS IT BEN MORSE?” Contest fact. Keep reading, it’s in there somewhere. Now, the next picture of my friends:
Tonight, Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton tagging versus Hunter and Flair. Also there is a steel cage match between Kane and Snitsky to blow off the feud once again.
Coming down to the ring first, your World Champion.. Triple H after a recent hair straightning. Hey, no Batista.. wonder why? Hernandez takes notice that the ring ropes are black tonight.
“They are EVIL ring ropes..” Me on crayons.
Flair grabs the microphone and starts talking about how Triple H is the measuring stick of what it is to be great. Trips grabs the mic and discusses how he was there the night that “They unleashed the beast”
“When Free Willy was released in theatres..” Eric G on beasts.
Trips introduces the Royal Rumble winner, Batista. After standing head and shoulder above everyone else, he won it. Triple announces how he’s proud of Batista. They climbed the mountain together. Trips has got him to the point of wearing Armani, a Rolex, a jet..
“A bag of gummybears” Me on what’s truly important.
So now, they are making it official – Trips is the big man and he is willing to step in the ring at Wrestlemania and d.duh..duhfend (he stutters) against Batista. Evolution’s night. Batista grabs the microphone and he’s about to tell Trips what he thinks of him.. JBL?!
On the Titantron, JBL makes some hardass smacktalk about Batista. “He looks like Tarzan, I’ll treat him like Jane.” Trips yells at the Titantron, claiming that he is the only God of the ring. He makes fun of JBL. Trips announces that it doesn’t matter WHAT JBL says, Dave is going up against Hunter at Wrestlemania – and Dave doesn’t get another word in as Hunter makes this announcement and they leave, Dave looking a bit… pensive.
COMMERCIAL
Also tonight we get Chris Squared (Benoit & Jericho) versus La Resistance for the tag titles. But first, our Intercontinental Champion…
Shelton Benjamin vs. ..dammit.. Simon Dean
Intercontinental Title Match
Match starts with a lock-up and big forearms to Shelton’s back. He takes down Benjamin and goes for a spulex, but it’s reversed. Before Benjamin can capitalize he kicks Shelton in the stomach. As Benjamin is about to go against the ropes Shelton leaps up hard with a shouldercheck. Dean drops to the corner and seems to be searching for something in his bag. Finds a hand squeezie thingy and Benjamin splashes him, apparently getting knucked in the face as he goes down like a light. Dean gets ONE.. TWO.. TH–NO!
It is just a moment later that Benjamin grabs Dean, big powerslam and the win.
WINNER: SHELTON BENJAMIN
Dean grabs the mic and claims the only reason Shelton won is because he’s on Simon Systems, available everywhere. In runs Benjamin and powerslams him again.
Back behind the ring, Trips wants to know who put up the JBL tape. Eric is looking into it because he doesn’t want to lose Batista to Smackdown. Triple H threatens Bischoff and Eric wants to know who the hell Hunter thinks he is.. he is apparently the World Championship and he rules this roost.. or something. Bischoff doesn’t like that, and gives Hunter the evil eye as he leaves.
COMMERCIAL!
In the ring is my girl.. in sparkly thingies.. Christie is shooting out T-shirts.
“Is that a dress?” Hernandez on clothes
“No.. that’s a shredded trashbag.. and they are right – that works on her” Me on shiny.
Interrupting her though is Edge! Edge grabs the mic and wants to know what the hell she’s doing embarassing Edge like this. She has no idea what he’s talking about. So he makes her show him what kind of shirt it is – it’s a Wrestlemania shirt!!!!!! Edge feels taunted. He stopped the Showstopper. He was in the ring 40 minutes. And right before this becomes two Austin spots in two weeks, here comes Shawn.
Shawn wants to talk about embarrasment. Embarrasment is admitting to that Edge got one by. Embarrassing is Shawn riffing on the fact that his microphone was breaking. Tonight, Michaels is looking to work off some of that pent up frustration.
“With a group therapy session!” – Laura on what will help both of these guys.
He wants a rematch, and Edge says “No. He beat Shawn, that’s that.” He DOES want the handshake that was promised weeks ago. Shawn shakes it, and then catches him with one of the cleanest JesusKick I’ve seen in recent memory.
COMMERCIAL
Back to the show we see the Jesuskick 30 more times.
“Shawn needs a bootcam!” Hernandez on creative camera angles.
Next week Raw is live in Tokyo!
“I hope all the wrestlers have big eyes.” Eric G on Japan’s culture.
“Shawn Michaels, I choose YOU!” Hernandez on Bischoff’s Pokeballs.
Back in the ring, we go to another match.. go fig.
MAVEN vs. HURRICANE
Hurricane starts the match hard, but it turns quick as Shane goes for a standing headscissors, but gets sideslammed instead. From there it’s big kicks, followed by choking Hurricane in the ropes. He grabs him for a huge high backdrop and then holds him into a rear chinlock – Hurricane tries to get up, gets beaten down, but comes out of nowhere with a big clothesline.
“Clothesline from Krypton!” Hernandez on Action Comics.
He throws Maven down and goes for a Blockbuster but misses hard. Out of nowhere, Maven stands to Hurricane’s back, drops to his back pulling in his knees in so Hurricane falls on them. A pin and a win. Finally, Maven has a finisher!
WINNER: Maven
Boobage McTata and Funbags O’Thud are walking around the back talking about JBL and meet up with Gene Snitsky .. who is not only looking for someone, he’s doing so in the woman’s locker room. Before he leaves, we get this weird exchange…
“Nice shoes” Gene on fashion.
“Can I borrow them?” Laura as Gene.
COMMERCIAL
Eric G asks me to mention the disgusting Starburst commercial that they’ve been playing lately. I am.. but that’s all I’m saying. It seriously grosses me out.
Back in Bischoff’s office, he puts Coach on the case as to why JBL appeared on the Raw Titantron. Teddy Long shows up, conveniently. He’s just here to show some love, and he’s here to steal Batista from Raw, but he has NOTHING to do with the video showing. He wants Batista, though. He’s made Dave an offer to face JBL at Wrestlemania. Teddy pimps the main event at No Way Out, but Holla Holla Holla he wants Batista.
Somewhere else backstage, Stacy is worrying about Orton, he has a concussion, a banged up knee – Orton loves the ring, and he has faith that he will be the World Champion again. Tonight, though, he gets to prove that he is still the Legend Killer.
Coming up next, Chris Squared go for the tag titles… Hot Canadian Action next.
COMMERCIAL – Wrestlemania is in 62 days, just so you know.
And we’re back!
Y2J & BENOIT vs. LA RESISTANCE
Tag Team Title Match
Starting in the ring is Chris and Conway. Lock up and big fists to Chris’ back. Chris gets up quick though and tosses Conway into the ropes and does NOT get caught with a sunset flip – but doesn’t catch him in the Walls of Chris either. Chris tags Chris and now it’s Chris and Conway, who bullcharges Chris into the corner, tagging in Grenier who tosses Chris into the ropes and beats him down. He drops the elbow on Chris, picks him up and catches him with an overhead backbreaker.
Grenier tags in Conway, and just as he begins to get some offensive, Chris tries to lock in the Crossface, but gets dropkicked in exchange. Chris comes in and takes care of Grenier. Inside though, Conway has gotten the upper hand on Chris and tags in Grenier, putting him in a tight chinlock. Chris goes for the tag, but Chris gets hit on the ring apron and is unable to get Chris’ hand. By the time Chris has gotten to the turnbuckle Chris tags him in and a hot Chris with big shoulder blocks to Grenier. Chris jumps to the 2nd rope and dropkicks Conway off the corner and then bulldogs Grenier. He misses with the Lionsault, but catches himself and in comes Chris to hit Conway with a German Suplex and they leave together.
Grenier comes in with the title belt to hit Chris with the title belt, but gets a spear instead. He grabs Grenier and puts him in the Walls and Chris comes in to save Chris as Conway goes to hit him! Chris goes and brings Conway outside, and Chris … okay, we’re going to stop the Chris joke, because this match has just got totally goofed. Jericho had Conway in the sharpshooter, Grenier was supposed to get stopped by Benoit, but goes and attacks Jericho – which was seemingly supposed to be the spot a few moments later, as Benoit goes and grabs Grenier and tosses him outside.
Grenier beats down Benoit outside and comes in after Conway’s now been in the Walls for at least 2 minutes and should have tapped. The ref goes and declares a double DQ as he realizes that all is lost. Maybe a bit hasty, maybe that is how it was supposed to end.. who knows.
WINNER: Nobody in particular.
I think my joke killed the match.. sorry.
“WAY TO GO JAMIE!” Hernandez on my shame.
COMMERCIAL
Coming into the ring now is Hassan and General Ackbar. (IT’S A TRAP!) Oh goodie. They get the microphone and not a match.. yet. Last night, Hassan got gangraped in the Royal Rumble, getting tossed out by 8 people. A great spot. Hassan moans and complains. Then Ackbar grabs the mic, says various crap and HERE COMES.. OH GOOD CHRIST… Sgt. Slaughter.
“Goooo JOE!” – Hernandez on a standard.
Ackbar gets shoved, and the match.. apparently it’s a match.. and puts him into the cobra clutch. Irish Whip tosses Sarge into the ropes and he goes down hard. The chant of USA gets him pumped though as he goes fist for fist with Hassan. Hassan picks him up and bearhugs the old man, but Sarge is still holding on. Everytime he is about to go for a fist to Hassan, he gets kneed in the gut.
“Hassan is a part of cobra team!” Jenna on 80’s cartoons.
“He realizes that it was just a cartoon” Hernandez on realism.
“It wasn’t a cartoon.. it was a way of life” Eric G on his mentors
Sarge finally tosses Hassan into the ropes, but gets caught and dropped with Hassan’s finisher. Not to be outdone he puts him in the Camel Clutch for the tap out.
WINNER: Hassan
Before we go to a commercial, the Chris’ go nose to nose and are arguing about why they didn’t win. Chris wants Chris’ best… insert homosexual innuendo joke here.
COMMERCIAL
The Wrestlemania 21 commercial.. Eugene Gump.. funniest shit EVER!
Backstage Flair and Trips are getting ready for the match. Trips is pensive though, he really does want to face Batista for Wrestlemania, but he might want it.. too much. He shouldn’t hold Batista back. He should go to Smackdown, make the money, and.. we know where this bit is going, but it’s at least well done. Trips on Raw. Batista on Smackdown. Flair on TNA… ha! He said it.
In the ring though, here comes Bischoff! Live in Japan – Submission match.. JERICHO vs. BENOIT. LA RESISTANCE vs. REGAL & TAJIRI. TRIPLE H vs. EDGE for the WORLD TITLE!
I will pay to see some Pegasus Kid action. For the record.
“Coming down now is Mama Orton’s little disappointment… RANDY!” – Me on life.
All the long versions of the intro… because we get Kane & Snitsky in the main event again… rah..
COMMERCIAL
We come back and they are STILL doing Entrances… *yawn*
Starting in the match is Flair and Randy. A few slaps from Orton and Shawn and Flair already bumps. Flair was just playing though as he grabs Orton tosses him int he corner and chops the hell out of Randy. Randy reverses it and goes fist to fist to Flair and tosses him hard into the corner followed by the hip breaking back body drop. We get an amazingly HUGE shot of Orton’s eyes.
Flair tags in Trips and Orton goes nuts, doing the same set of spots on Flair, ending in a back body drop, he rings his arm and tags in Micheals. He gets cheapshotted by Ric, but it doesn’t stop Michaels from beating the hell out of Trips. The 10 toprope punches, but Trips brings him out to an atomic drop. Trips now tosses Michaels onto the top rope, climbs up with him and they fight up until Trips falls to the ground, takes the big elbow and all hell breaks loose.
Michaels is outside with Flair – Orton with Trips and Orton and the faces come on in having taken down all bad guys! Dave on the outside has grabbed a chair and is threatening to come in. The ref finds Batista’s temper tantrum distracting and throws him out. Dave, continues to freak out until he’s walking down the ramp where he smiles.. toothily. Brilliant!
COMMERCIAL
Commentary has gone on hold as my roommates have come in to talk about the Rumble, which they didn’t see.
Back in the ring, Flair is beating on Micheals. We’re in time to see Shawn reverse it with some huge chops and ANOTHER Flair flop. Pin gets 2. Michaels suplexes Flair and Flair tosses him into the ropes, and Michaels eats a knee to the back. Orton comes up and classic heel stuff continues. Spinebuster to Michaels, and a tag to Flair, some more beatdown and a tag to Trips again. Bad guy shenanigans abound and Shawn is hurting. Trips puts Trips into the abdominal stretch while Orton tries to bring up the crowd.
Shawn fights his way out of it, but misses the hot tag by inches as Flair runs in to chop him. Michaels of course gets to chops back. He tries to toss Flair into the ropes, gets reversed – but Flair goes to the top rope and gets bodyslammed down.. like he ALWAYS does. Now here we go. Michaels fights for the hot tag and GETS IT.
In comes Orton clearing house, back body drop to flair. Powerslam to Trips. Inverted backbreaker to Flair. Punches to Trips, but Flair splashes all of them, including the ref. Orton grabs Flair and RKO.. but Orton is dead from his “concussion” For the record, Lawler once again mentions Orton’s ‘KRISPY KREME’ eyes. WHAT?!?!?!
Trips tries to take advantage, but Shawn comes in and Jesuskicks Trips!
“I liked that.. write it down.” Roommate Jeremy on wanting to be part of the column.
Here comes Edge to attack Michaels, but Shawn moves out of the way in time for Edge to spear Trips. Orton gets the one handed pin on Trips for the win.
WINNER: Orton & Michaels
Afterwards, Shawn is sitting there holding onto Orton since Orton is so hurt.
“Aww, they’re cuddling” – Eric G on true love.
COMMERCIAL (with 5 minutes to 11.. 5 minute overrun.. I guarantee, hottest cage match ever)
Back to the show and Snitsky is already in the ring as Kane comes down to the ring.
“Is that the guy that kicked the baby?” Roommate Randy on Snitsky.
“Yes”
“I like him already.” Randy on proof that like minds live together.
The match starts with Snitsky tossing Kane into the cage, but getting blocked. Kane starts hitting him, bodyslam. Toss into the ropes and they both shoulderblock each other down. Kane gets up first and goes to climb the cage. Snitsky of course catches him and Kane is outside the apron and gets a head to the turnbuckle. Snitsky chokes him down and goes for the door.
Kane is right there to stop him, but gets punched in the head. Snitsky then runs Kane into the cage, and brings him into the ring to toss him into the cage. Coming down to the ring is…..
TRISH STRATUS – There is a god
Snitsky is crawling up the cage, but is stopped. Kane hurls Snitsky into the corner and grabs him for a sideslam. Kane crawls for the door, but Snitsky catches him and pulls him in twice. Snitsky goes for the door, but Kane charges him into the corner. They lock up head to head, Kane lifts him up for a front suplex, but they both go face down.. They both start getting up and climbing at the same time and are fighting on the top rope when Kane punches him to the mat. Instead of climbing the cage though – Kane goes for the big Undertaker Fist from the top rope.
Kane goes for the door, but Trish slams it on him. Kane shrugs it off and before he leaves he grabs Trish and brings her in. He’s about to chokeslam Trish when Snitsky kicks him down. Pin gets for two. Snitsky pushes Trish out of the door and is about to leave when he stops and REMOVES THE DOOR! He comes in and gets booted instead! Kane props the door up and drops Snitsky crotch first onto it. The door gets brought to the center of the ring. A chokeslam to Snitsky and the pin.
WINNER: Kane!
Let’s hope that is the last time we’ve seen that match. It’s not.. I know it’s not.. you know it’s not.. but I hope.
Final Thoughts
“Lemonade Tycoon is fun… HORRIBLE MAIN EVENT!” Eric G on what he was doing the last 10 minutes.
The only thing good about the main event? Trish Stratus.
“It’s pretty bad when they can’t even get you into a steel cage match” Hernandez on vying for our attentions.
A well booked show, with Batista’s new Smackdown crossover possibility, but everything else was so so. Horrible showings by Chris & Chris and Kane & Snitsky leaves this one in the middle.
So next week, live from Tokyo, be ready for MRONDAY NRIGHT RABBRRRR… Before we leave though, here is your hint for the “IS IT BEN MORSE?” contest. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go check out the forums and last night’s ROYAL RUMBLE RABBLE)
Hint: The Mystery Guest was NOT Comicnexus’ Tim Stevens, but he’s met him.
Until next week kids – this is the MNR crew signing off.
