The Amodio Impact Replay for 1.28.05
Right. It took me this long to watch Final Resolution. But it was worth it. Damn. If you missed it, proceed over to your friendly bittorrent pusher and grab it. Nice sign coming out of that show: “WWE FAN ON STRIKE”
TNA IMPACT……WE JUST MIGHT OUTLAST SMACKDOWN
A press conference announcing Nash against Jarrett as the top title match starts things off. Nash runs his mouth and calls himself the greatest world champion of all time. Burn. Great world champions don’t lose their titles in small packages and fingerpokes. This program has all the fire of the Snow vs. Holly hardcore title feud circa ’99.
MATCH 1: Kid “Fuck Barbara Bush” Kash & Lance “Don’t Call Me Veronica….er, Dallas” Hoyt vs.”Hail” Chris Sabin & Jeff Hardly.
During the entrances, Tenay and West run down the matches on the card for Against All Odds, which includes an 30-minute iron man match (tin man match? war machine match?) between Styles and Daniels. Fucking awesome. Kash and Houston jump Sabin during Hardy’s strobetastic intro. However, Sabin uses his HEAVY CRUISERWEIGHT QUICKNESS to get the advantage back, and has to adjust to Jeff Hardy f*cking up a double-team spot. Well, all Impact matches are going to get a lot of blown spot slack this week after Grenier on RAW. Sabin kicks the night off with a suicide dive on Kash, but his springboard cross body is caught and reversed by Ft. Worth into an “I’m big” fall-away slam. Kash agitates Hardy, leaving room open for heel double-team, which is fine, since the crowd is way behind Sabin. Beatdown on Sabin commences, and Kash gets 2 off of a nice muscle buster. Don’t see that move too often. Sabin’s comeback culminates in a “wind-up” backbreaker (Catatonic with the knee out) and he gets 2, before San Antonio breaks it up. After a double clothesline, we get the “crawling toward the ropes” spot, but with a short-ass heel beatdown like that, the crowd is hot for Sabin, but not the tag. Once again, Hardy gets the flaming tag, but never even gets into the ring, as Nashkind (Abyss) does us all a favor and drags Hardy out, triggering the ever-popular “brawl into the back.” In the ring, Sabin, now alone, and apparently legal again, crushes Austin..wait, that doesn’t sound right…. Ok, Sabin crushes Lubbock with the running enziguiri, and gets the Ctrl-Z F5 (powerbomb to a DDT) for the token pin as the ref is distracted by Waco. Big boot leaves Sabin prone for the Moneymaker, and that finishes things at 4:38. Bleh. *1/2 for Sabin.
“I’m old” DDP runs into “Russkie” Nash and “The buzz from ’98 still hasn’t worn off” Hall, and they bicker about the lame triple threat match at Final Resolution to set up for DDP vs. Hall.
MATCH 2: “Crack is my friend” BF Candido vs. Sonny “OK, I sucked Dusty’s cock once….is that so wrong?” Siaki.
We’re joined by “Just Like Downtown” Daniels to do commentary. It’s about time this man gets a push. Siaki gets knocked down to start, but kips up, and gets reasonably high-paced offense before his shoulder meets the turnbuckle. Chopping battle, as Daniels uses this meaningless match to shill his own feud. Siaki grabs a Flair Drop (the new name for the back body drop), and Candido appropriately gets the advantage back with an eyepoke. Nice hanging suplex sets up for a missed diving headbutt (Siaki moved, but Candido clearly aimed off-center. Bad angle) as Daniels calls Skip “deceptively strong.” I love underhanded insults. Siaki gets a heatless face comeback, and doesn’t even try for a near fall off of Shannon Moore’s Halo. That comes back and bites him, as Candido rolls through a cross body, and uses the ropes for the pin at 3:16. Surprisingly, held together better than the tag match. * That doesn’t make it better.
Dusty and Skanks crap. I still don’t care.
MATCH 3: Johnny “Scott Keith discovered me” Devine (w/”The manager that eats like a meal” Scott D’Amore) vs. “Super What?” Lamont E. Brown
Devine jumps Brown, and that’s not a good idea, as he gets bounced quite handily. Back and forth to start, though, and Devine gets the edge off of a backwards Juvi Stunner, and gets 2 off of a front missile dropkick. However, Brown uses the dreaded no-sell to unleash his offense, turning the fall-away slam into a Jungle Fever Powerbomb. Now, it ALL BUSTS LOOSE, as Pete tries to interfere with a cross-body, and ends up getting military pressed outside into the arms of Roode, and Young suffers a worse fate, as he gets ejected from the ring by a POUNCE! POUNCE! POUNCE! Devine tries an eyepoke, but he gets the ALL NEW Pounce setup, and, logically, the POUNCE! POUNCE! POUNCE! for the finish at 1:54. Nothing here, but THIS is how you book your one convincing heavyweight draw. * Post-match, Hall and Roode jump Brown from behind, and DDP runs them off. Ok, I take that back. If you want to give Brown a heel beatdown, a chair needs to be involved.
Interview time, and here is Jeff “My daddy said I could be a monster heel” Jarrett. He gets a good Jarrett sucks chant, if it’s not piped in. What are the odds that he starts his interview off by screaming someone’s name? Oh, looks like I lost THAT bet. Jarrett is not intimidated by Nash. Tenay’s interviewing style is even more pointed than Okerlund’s. Jarrett cuts him off, and screams “Tenay….” Ah, he was just teasing me. The belt is Jarrett’s life. I actually believe it when HHH talks about it. The crowd chants “Get your hat and coat and leave.” That’s a new one. He calls Hall a “human barstool.” Oh, HOPSCOTCH. Crowd is audibly chanting “boring…..” Yes, he’s the world champion, folks.
Commercial break, and it’s time for the Nike “For Warriors” commercial. Totally awesome. Mariano as “the surgeon of death.” I love it.
Franchise tracks down X-Division Champion A.J. F’n Styles. A.J. has the drawl going strong, but he cuts a sweet promo anyway, and he’s got words for Daniels. He knows how good he is, and his stuttering either means it’s unscripted, or not well memorized. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and go former. I don’t need promotion for this match, but apparently the name of the game is survival. Hotness.
MATCH 4: “How did you know we were pornstars?” THE NATURALS (That guy and that other guy) vs. “Yes, my name is indicative of my nationality” Cassidy Riley (J) & “Yes, I still have a job. Sorry.” Erik Watts (w/bandages)
Wait a second….looks like Little Dust is out to relieve Watts. Thankfully. It looks like Watts and Goldust are trying to remove the (J) from Cassidy Riley. Those are the WRONG TWO GUYS to do it. When your career highlight involves a port-o-potty, you don’t exactly have a torch to pass. Maybe a match. Rhodes starts things out with a hiptoss and Manhattan Drop on Stevens, and Riley sells the hand injury, as the Naturals start beating on his hand. The kid sells it well, looks believable enough. Dustin gets frustrated, and as usual in a tag match, that just creates more trouble for Riley. NWO-missed-punch spot gives Cassidy an opening, but Raven drags him away (didn’t we already see this?) and the Natural Disaster finishes Riley at 2:37. Whatever. 1/2*
MATCH 5: THE CONSTRUCTICONS (Kazarian and Michael Shane) & “I’m Black and I’m Back” Primetime vs. AMERICA’S FAVORITE WWE REJECTS (3 Live Kru)
YES! It’s NASCAR BOY! I figured that he’d be out lamenting the fact that we have a negro Secretary of State and a latino Attorney General. Not to mention that Arab wrestler on RAW….Now we get back to back WAY obsolete catchphrases. Holy lame-ass. Weird Konnan LUCHA LEMUR to start. Rolling thunder on Kazarian, and it still looks lame. Konnan cleans house, and sets up the WHASSUP legdrop. We’re back, and K-Quik is doing his FUNKY CHOCOLATE SYRUP dance. We get a nice back and forth sequence between Quik and Shane, ending in the spinning cocoa elbow smash. Killings uses the avalanche slam, and looks for something off the turnbuckle, but a little rope-shaking action dispenses of that. Shane gets a beautiful belly-to-belly hiptoss, and in comes Primetime. Beatdown commences, and we get ANOTHER NWO-missed-punch spot, as Quik does the splits. When you never sell anything or let the other guy get any offense, it’s hard to get up for a hot tag. Road Dogg gets a big boot (what the f*ck?) and the Doggie Style Slam, but the ref doesn’t see the pin, as Konnan has Primetime wrapped up in the Crippler Crossface (if you insist….) and Shane breaks the pin up with a Michaels elbow drop, allowing Kazarian to roll on top of James for the pin at 6:47. I really don’t dig 3LK’s weird-ass face tag psychology, but this didn’t suck. **
The Replay Replay:
Looks like I have to go back and check out Daniels vs. Styles on the show I missed. Nothing but garbage here, but they saw the light on Brown….for 2 minutes, anyway. Write me an e-mail. Out.
