PANCAKES IN THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT- Boulevard of Broken Wind
Ennui in New Orleans, AL Central-Damn those Minnesota Twins, Who’s on the Bubble in NCAA Buckets, I Am a Washing Machine Do What I Say
VIEWER MAIL! VIEWER MAIL!
“By the time all is said and done, he (LeBron James) will surpass Michael Jordan as the greatest player of all time.”
“Blasphemy!!! You’re a Chicagoan and you make a statement like this!? So you’re saying that we will witness Lebron James equal or surpass the following feats. Win 6 NBA championships in 7 years. Do it with out ever having a dominating center. Lead the NBA in scoring in how many years in a row? Have the best scoring average in the history of the NBA. Take over countless number of games when no one else on his team (including Scottie) is even capable. Remember when he had one of the most inspirational performances anyone ever had in the history of the NBA when he scored all those points in the NBA finals and he was so sick he literally collapsed in Scottie Pippen’s arms during the timeout. He won games through sheer will man! And just to refresh your memory, here’s a list of some more of his accomplishments (accomplishments omitted from this column).
Lebron James couldn’t hold Michael Jordan’s jock strap. Hang your head in shame.”
-Angel Camacho
Angel-
Michael Jordan’s accomplishments can’t be disputed. You laid it all out there and you are correct on all counts.
However I think you have to keep in mind that James is 20 years old.
Jordan entered the league at age 21. In his rookie year he averaged 28.2 PPG, 6.5 RPG, and 6 APG. He also shot 51% from the field. His team went from 27-55 the year before he arrived to 38-44 the year after he arrived.
James entered the league at age 19, averaged 20.9 PPG, 5.5 RPG, and 6 APG. His FG% was
considerably lower at 42%. His team went from 17-65 to 35-47 the year after he arrived.
James had a great rookie year, but he has gotten so much better this year. At age 20 (remember he is still younger than Jordan was when he entered the league), James is now averaging 25.0 PPG, 7.5 RPG, and 7.6 APG, and has raised his FG% up to 49%. On the defensive side of the ball, James ranks #1 in the NBA in steals as of today. His game is leaps and bounds ahead of where Jordan’s was at age 20. His team is also 25-16 as of this writing, and are pretty much a lock to win 45-50 games this year. Jordan’s Bulls did not finish above .500 until his 4th season in the league, 1988-89, which coincidentally was Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant’s rookie year.
The NBA is a much better league now than in Jordan’s day because you have an influx of international players, and you have players with athletic ability that did not exist 10 years ago. Today you have 7 footers that shoot and handle the ball like shooting guards. This did not exist in Jordan’s era. So no, I don’t think LeBron will have ever have 6 championship rings, but he will have 2 or 3.
“What’s “Pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment” mean? And where was the stuff about Bob Dole and the Necronomicon?”
CR Monster
CR-
“Pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment”, if you don’t know what that means then you, my friend, should be having The Toucan. As for Bob Dole reading from the Necronomicon, I don’t need to be invoking any more demons. The demons I already have and I are closer than ever. Next summer we’re visiting every Major League Baseball park. Damn, is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
As always thanks for the feedback. You will both be receiving the Pancakes in the Age of Enlightenment Home Game. Please allow 20-30 years for delivery.
Welcome back to the Worst Column on the Internet! This week our 2004 NFL Compost Mortem takes us to the land where the states are red and the arteries are clogged, the NFC South. We’ll also be taking a look at which college hoops teams find themselves playing for their NCAA Tournament lives in February, and our Hot Stove Hoedown will heat up with a visit to the AL Central.
So is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
2004 NFL COMPOST MORTEM- NFC SOUTH
The NFC South was a microcosm of the mediocrity that ran throughout the NFC this year. Consider that the Atlanta Falcons, led by the magical, enchanted Michael Vick, actually gave up more points than they scored this year, and you get the picture.
ATLANTA FALCONS 11-5, 1ST PLACE NFC SOUTH, 20TH NFL Total Offense, 14TH NFL Total Defense
I hate a lot of things about the national sports media, but I venture to say there is nothing I hate more about them than the God like status they have bestowed on Mike Vick.
The Brian Baldingers of the world will tell you that Mike Vick is not like other quarterbacks, and that you can’t measure his impact with numbers. I say bullshit. Vick is a very exciting player, Vick is a very talented player, but as a quarterback he is just not very good.
In today’s NFL your offense HAS to be able to throw the ball. The competition committee bends over backwards to help you be able to throw the ball. The Falcons cannot throw the ball. In TWO playoff games Vick had 218 yards passing. The man went 7 for 21 and 119 yards against the CHIEFS! You could find 20 Arena Football quarterbacks that could do better than that.
Vick needs to get better. Unfortunately he has lots and lots of people telling him how great he is just the way he is, so I am not sure that will happen in the near future. However, I will say this about the Falcons, Jim Mora Jr. is the greatest Chinese football coach of all time.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 8-8, 2ND PLACE NFC SOUTH, 15TH NFL Total Offense, 32nd NFL Total Defense
The Saints finished dead last in the NFL in total defense, and that right there tells you all you really need to know about them. If the defense doesn’t improve, this team will never ever ever make the playoffs.
The Saints problems go deeper than that though. There is a general malaise and yes, ennui, that this franchise has taken on under Jim Haslett that supersedes the vast amount of talent that the team has. Call them the Minnesota Vikings with some paprika sprinkled on them.
But while the Vikings problems can pretty much be traced to one player, the Saints have a roster full of punks. QB Aaron Brooks needs to stop pointing fingers and start pointing the thumb, that would be a good start. Deuce McAllister needs to lay off the po boys and not be so fat next year. Basically the team has to have a complete attitude adjustment. If this happens, then they are definitely a threat to win the division. But can this happen under Haslett? We’ll have one more year to find out, because if it doesn’t he will be gone.
CAROLINA PANTHERS 7-9 3RD NFC SOUTH, 13TH NFC Total Offense, 19th NFC Total Defense
At the other end of the continuum from the Saints, you have the Carolina Panthers. This is a team that showed a lot of grit and perserverance this year in the face of a ridiculous amount of injuries, and managed to recover from a 1-7 start to somehow almost sneak into the playoffs. Hard to believe this from the franchise that brought you Fred Lane, Rae Carruth, and the pre-rehab Kerry Collins.
While there were no playoffs for the Panthers in 2004, it can be argued that they achieved something greater. In the way they kept it together during a difficult season, they cemented the fact that their franchise is for real and that they will be perennial Super Bowl contenders for the next five years. John Fox did one of the best coaching jobs in the NFL this year, and he seems to be one of those coaches that will contend every year no matter what.
Perhaps the only downer in all this was that the defense was not quite as good as it should have been. In 2003 the Panthers looked like they had the makings to be the next dominant defense, but this season they took a step backwards. Maybe this was just a hiccup, but it is a concern. If the defense can return to form in 2005, and the offense remains as good as it looked this season, the Panthers will be a darkhorse pick to represent the NFC in Super Bowl XL.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 5-11 4th NFC South, 22nd NFL Total Offense, 5th NFL Total Defense
Wow just 2 years later how crapalicious does that Tampa Bay vs. Oakland Super Bowl matchup look? In today’s NFL, you have to have a good organization to be consistently competitive year after year. Yes, teams like the 2001 Bears or the 2000 Saints or the 2002 Browns can pull good years out of their asses due to a weak schedule or the ball bouncing their way or what have you, but it is teams with good organizations that are consistently good year after year. Franchises like New England, Philadelphia, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, Denver come to mind.
The Bucs are not one of these franchises. Think back to the whole Tony Dungy firing saga, and the search for a new coach that occurred a couple years ago. Dungy was shown the door because the Bucs thought they would get Bill Parcells, then Parcells left the Bucs standing at the altar. The whole affair was handled in as classless a manner as possible, which is befitting the parties involved, but you can see now how karma is catching up with the Bucs. A bad organization will always have their ineptitude catch up with them, and Tampa is proving to be a bad organization.
As for the team on the field, the Bucs have an offense built from other teams’ spare parts, with the exception of WR Mark Clayton, who will be the Bucs first great wideout in franchise history. As for the defense, it is still in the league’s upper echelon, but it is aging and no longer dominant, it needs upgrading as well. The way things are going, the Bucs may have to go back to the Dreamsicle uniforms because they appear to heading back down the road of being a perennially losing team.
HOT STOVE HOEDOWN- AL CENTRAL
This week our Hot Stove Hoedown takes us to a division that is very near and dear to my heart, the home of my favorite team and perennial AL Central bridesmaids, the Chicago White Sox. Could this be the year my Southsiders finally climb the unclimbable mountain and best their tormentors from Minnesota? Lets find out.
MINNESOTA TWINS
Major Additions
IF Juan Castro
C Mike Redmond
Major Subtractions
3B Corey Koskie
C Henry Blanco
SS Cristian Guzman
Projected Rotation
LHP Johan Santana
RHP Brad Radke
RHP Carlos Silva
RHP Kyle Lohse
RHP Joe Mays
One thing I’ve learned about the Twins in 3 years of hating them is that no matter who they inevitably lose to free agency, there is always someone better to take their place. They are, for my money, the best organization in baseball.
This season they go to work having lost the left side of their infield with Corey Koskie leaving for Toronto and Cristian Guzman for Washington. They will be replaced by Nick Punto at short and Michael Cuddyer at third base. I have no doubt in my mind that these 2 will immediately begin playing like All-Stars. Not because I know anything about them, but because they play for the Twins. They had friggin Lew Ford bat .300 for them and hold down a spot in the middle of the order, so why not.
The rotation is pretty solid, and is anchored by a bona fide ace in Johan Santana. The bullpen is also strong, especially if Joe Nathan can repeat his stellar performance of 2004.
The Twins will again be the team to beat in the Central this year. Dammit.
CHICAGO WHITE SOX
Major Additions
RHP Orlando Hernandez
CF Scott Podsednik
RF Jermaine Dye
RHP Kevin Walker
RHP Dustin Hermanson
RHP Luis Vizcaino
C AJ Pierzynski
2B Tadahito Iguchi
Major Subtractions
RF Magglio Ordonez
LF Carlos Lee
2B Roberto Alomar
C Sandy Alomar
LHP Scott Schoeneweis
SS Jose Valentin
Projected Rotation
LHP Mark Buehrle
RHP Freddy Garcia
RHP Jose Contreras
RHP Orlando Hernandez
RHP Jon Garland
Wow. Much like the ballpark they play in, the White Sox roster has been completely overhauled. It needed it too. Gone are mainstays of the Jerry Manuel-era station to station bash the ball out of the park White Sox such as Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee, and Jose Valentin. This team has been tailored to be a National League style team playing under an aggressive manager in Ozzie Guillen.
The Sox main priorites this offseason were speed, defense, and pitching. Scott Podsednik was acquired in the Carlos Lee trade and will bat leadoff. While he can steal bases, his low OBP and high strikeout total are troubling. Tadahito Iguchi was signed from Japan and will play second base. Iguchi brings a good stick, good speed, and a deft glove to the Sox middle infield. Jermaine Dye will play right field in place of Magglio Ordonez, and the Sox hope he can match the offensive and defensive contributions Ordonez brought to that position, and that he can stay healthy. AJ Pierzynski brings some thump to the catcher position, but his defense and attitude are suspect, especially since his favorite team is probably still the Minnesota Twins.
The bullpen was bolstered with the acquisitions of Dustin Hermanson and Luis Vizcaino. Meanwhile, the rotation should also be strong if ancient Cubans El Duque and Jose Contreras can hold up for an entire year.
Win or lose, it will be an interesting year on the South Side of Chicago.
CLEVELAND INDIANS
Major Additions
LHP Arthur Rhodes
IF Jose Hernandez
RHP Kevin Millwood
2B Alex Cora
OF Juan Gonzalez
Major Subtractions
1B Josh Phelps
OF Matt Lawton
SS Omar Vizquel
Projected Rotation
LHP CC Sabathia
RHP Kevin Millwood
LHP Cliff Lee
RHP Jake Westbrook
RHP Jason Davis
The Indians have to consider their offseason a success. Most importantly, they swooped in under the radar and picked up a very solid #2 starter in Kevin Millwood. They also picked up a decent middle infielder in Alex Cora, and bolstered a bad bullpen with setup man Arthur Rhodes.
However, there was one key need that they didn’t fill, and that is at closer. They will head into 2005 with Bob Wickman as their closer, and he is so old and has been injured so many times that he is more machine than man now, twisted and evil. Having Millwood in the rotation will help, but the Indians had many, many games last year where bullpen collapses turned W’s into L’s. They didn’t do enough to address that this offseason, and even though they have a talented and exciting team I don’t see them challenging for the division crown this year because of that weak bullpen.
DETROIT TIGERS
Major Additions
RHP Troy Percival
IF Ramon Martinez
C Vance Wilson
Major Subtractions
RHP Esteban Yan
Projected Rotation
LHP Mike Maroth
RHP Jeremy Bonderman
LHP Nate Robertson
RHP Jason Johnson
LHP Wilfredo Ledezma
After rocking the baseball world with their unexpected successful signing of Ivan Rodriguez before the 2004 season, this offseason has been rather quiet for the Tigers.
Troy Percival was signed as a closer, but whether he will be a significant upgrade or Ugueth Urbina is debatable. I see that tradeoff as pretty much a wash. In addition to the acquisitions listed above, the Tigers are also very close to signing OF Magglio Ordonez, who, if healthy, would be a great addition to the lineup .
What the true key to the Tigers success or failure will be, is the development of their rotation. Specifically, young starters Mike Maroth, Jeremy Bonderman, and Wilfredo Ledezma. All three of these guys seem like they are going to be good. The question is, how many, if any of them, will progress this year? If all three can step up to the next level, this could be a real sleeper team in the AL Central. Playing in cavernous Comerica Park could help them.
KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Major Additions
OF Terrence Long
RHP Dennis Tankersley
P Leo Nunez
OF Eli Marrero
RHP Jose Lima
Major Subtractions
3B Joe Randa
IF Desi Relaford
C Benito Santiago
RHP Ryan Bukvich
LHP Darrell May
LHP Dennys Reyes
RHP Miguel Ascencio
Projected Rotation
RHP Zack Greinke
RHP Runelvys Hernandez
LHP Jimmy Gobble
RHP Jose Lima
LHP Brian Anderson
Remember that 2003 Tigers team that lost like 200 games? Well if you liked them, then you will LOVE this years Royals team.
Every facet of this team is terrible. I mean just really, really bad. They should play the opera song from the Bad News Bears during the 7th inning stretch at Kaufmann Stadium instead of Take Me Out to the Ballgame.
The one bright spot on this team will be RHP Zack Greinke, who one day will be an ace in somebody’s staff, and the fun of seeing just how bad this team can be.
NCAA HOOPS-O-RAMA- Who’s On the Bubble?
February represents one of the last opportunities for NCAA teams to make their case for getting into the tournament. As we roll into the shortest month of the year, who are the teams that have a lot of splainin to do?
ST. JOES/DAYTON/RICHMOND/GEORGE WASHINGTON/XAVIER/TEMPLE-
Toss all six of these teams into the hopper and pull out 2, because that’s all the love the A10 should get this year. Last year the conference sent 4 representatives to the Tournament, and even that was dubious, as a Richmond team that lost to LaSalle and Rhode Island in the regular season got in.
All of these teams are at or near the conference lead, and all are hovering around .500 overall, with the exception of Dayton who is 12-6 as of this writing, but hasn’t beaten anyone of note.
Of these teams, I will go ahead and say GW (5-3, 13-5) will probably be in, due to the fact that they have been ranked for most of the year on the strength of wins over Michigan St. and Maryland. ESPN wanted to turn them into this year’s St. Joes, they really did, but alas they really aren’t that good, and have since struggled in conference play, but they will probably be in as the conference tourney champ or as an at-large team. For the other five teams, they pretty much have to win the A10 tournament or they won’t be in.
VIRGINIA TECH/MIAMI FL/NC STATE/FLORIDA ST.-
The ACC will send 6 teams like always, and Duke, Carolina, Wake, Maryland, and Georgia Tech are all locks (even though Georgia Tech has underachieved, the 2004 national runner up will get the courtesy bid). That leaves the 2 Big East transfers to slug it out with NC State, and FSU for the final ACC bid.
VA Tech (4-3, 11-7) is the most surprising of the bunch, and boasts wins over NC State and Georgia Tech. They have lost to FSU though, and losses to St. Johns and VMI are not going to help their cause.
Miami (4-4, 13-6) has also beaten FSU and NC State, in addition to a non-conference win over Florida. The skeleton in their closet is an early season loss to South Carolina St., but all in all they seem to be in decent shape.
NC State (3-4, 13-7) has fallen way short of expectations this year. They do have wins over Maryland and Georgia Tech, but have lost to FSU, VA Tech, and Miami, the 3 teams they are in competition with for a bid. Not good. They also have lost to St. Johns and don’t have any quality non-conference wins.
Florida St. (3-4, 11-9) has been hit and miss all year. They’ve beaten NC State, Wake, and VA Tech, but have lost to Miami and Clemson. They have also beaten two potential tournament teams in Minnesota and Florida, but have lost to LSU and Texas A&M Corpus Christi. They’ve played a tough schedule, keep an eye on them.
MINNESOTA/INDIANA/OHIO ST.
At most, only one of these teams will get in, and its feasible that none of them will. Last year only 3 Big Ten teams got in. This year it looks like the conference has 4 teams that are locks in Illinois, Michigan St., Wisconsin, and Iowa. It is possible that one of these three could sneak in as well and make it five. Not very possible, but possible.
Minnesota (4-3, 14-6) has wins over both the Hoosiers and Buckeyes, but that’s it. They haven’t beaten any other good teams inside or outside of the conference. They’ve got a lot to prove and won’t get in unless they knock off one of the Big 4 in the conference.
Ohio St. (3-4, 14-7) has a win over Iowa, but they have also lost to Indiana and Minnesota. They do have a couple of quality non-conference wins over St. Joe’s and Texas Tech, along with overtime losses to LSU and Creighton. They will have to crack the .500 mark in the Big 10 or else they won’t be looked at.
Indiana (4-3, 9-9) has beaten Ohio St. and Wisconsin, and played a brutal non-conference schedule. If they can continue a strong start in Big Ten play they may get some consideration. They are a longshot.
DEPAUL/MEMPHIS/MARQUETTE
Conference USA sent six teams last year, and they will send six again this year. They probably will even have 7 teams worthy of getting in but the committee will never ever ever ever give Conference USA 7 bids.
Louisville, Cincinnati, Charlotte, and UAB will be in so that leaves these three to slug it out for the final 2 berths, and one will be the odd man out.
DePaul (5-2, 13-5) has had an up and down season. They have fattened up on the East Carolinas and Southern Misses that CUSA has to offer, and have beaten Marquette but lost to Memphis in conference play. They also sport some ugly losses to Northwestern, Bradley, and Northern Illinois. Wins over Notre Dame and Dayton look nice though. If they can continue to beat up on CUSA’s weak sisters and get 2 or 3 wins against the big 7 then they will be in.
Memphis (5-2, 12-9) has beaten both DePaul and Marquette, but they’ve lost to the likes of TCU, Providence, Louisiana Tech, and Ole Miss. Their biggest win this season has been over St. Mary’s. They do, however, have a high profile coach in John Calipari, and don’t think for a second that doesn’t make a difference.
Marquette (3-4, 15-5) was in the top 25 not long ago, but since then have collapsed. They have losses to DePaul and Memphis, but they’ve also beaten Wisconsin and Air Force. They have played a tough conference slate so far, so expect them to boost their CUSA record and get in once they start beating up on the crap factories at the bottom of the conference.
STANFORD/UCLA/ARIZONA ST.
The Pac 10 sent three teams last year and this year should only be sending 3 again, but there is a eeensy weensy chance they could sneak in 4.
Stanford (6-3, 12-7) has come on strong after a horrible start to the season. They’ve won 6 conference games in a row and have knocked off Arizona and UCLA. They look like they’ve found their groove, and I see them as pretty much a lock to get in.
UCLA (5-4, 11-6) won 4 out of its first 5 conference games, but since has looked like a team in the midst of collapse, losing to Cal, Stanford, and Arizona and barely beating woeful USC. They are in a position where they can still get in if they right the ship and fast, but the death spiral has to be pulled out of immediately.
Arizona St. (4-5, 15-6) has a nice overall record but has played a weak schedule. They have one game apiece left with conference leaders Arizona and Washington, and will have to win one or both to get in.
LSU/VANDERBILT/S. CAROLINA
The SEC placed SIX teams in the field last year. Ain’t gonna happen this year. In fact, we are looking at only 4 shoo-ins ins Kentucky, Florida, Miss State, and Alabama, and then you have these three that will slug it out for what I feel will be one remaining bid for the SEC.
LSU (4-2, 11-6) has wins over Miss State and S. Carolina, and has also knocked off Florida St. and Ohio St. in nonconference play. The team got the yips around the holidays though, losing to Houston and So. Miss. The Tigers look like they are in drivers seat as of now for the last SEC bid.
Vanderbilt (3-4, 12-8) has lost 4 out of its last 5 SEC games, including losses to the Gamecocks and to a terrible Georgia team. They do have a win over Alabama, but have lost against every other tournament hopeful they’ve played. Unless they put together a February built like a brick house, the Commodores NCAA hopes are uglier than Nicole Ritchie on a Sunday morning.
South Carolina (3-4, 11-7) will have to finish no worse than 3rd in the SEC East to get consideration. This means they will have to finish ahead of Vanderbilt. If they do that, they will at least get a look. If not, then they have no chance.
ST. MARY’S/AIR FORCE/NEW MEXICO
And then there are the mid-major darlings. ESPN loves these teams because by pounding the ones they like into our heads, they can make us think they know what they are talking about. This distracts us from the reality that their heads are so far up the ACC’s ass they can taste what Coach K had for breakfast. This is how Gonzaga was ranked in the top 3 most of last year, then got a 2 seed in the tournament and lost by 20 to NEVADA. ESPN luuuuuvs their Zags.
I am going to go ahead and make the call that both the WAC and MVC will each get 2 teams in this year (UTEP and Nevada in the WAC, Wichita St. and S. Illinois in the MVC).
I also think the Mountain West will get 2 teams in, which means in addition to Utah, either/or Air Force or New Mexico will be in.
Air Force (5-1, 14-7) got in last year, and should be in again this year. They have beaten St. Mary’s, and honestly, everyone loves the military, you even mention you have any sort of connection whatsoever to the military in 2005 and people are lining up to milk your prostate. You have to love fascist America.
New Mexico (3-3, 16-5) has a gaudy win/loss record going for them and that’s pretty much it. They lost to Air Force too. I don’t see them getting in, but you never know.
The WCC should also get 2 in, and that 2nd team should be St. Mary’s (6-1, 20-4). The Gaels have beaten almighty Gonzaga and are ahead of them in the conference standings.
Well that’s gonna wrap it up for this week boy-os. Next week we will be nursing our Super Bowl hangovers and eulogizing the NFC West season. Our Hot Stove Hoedown will continue with a look at the comings and goings in the AL West, and we’ll take a look at how this year’s first round NBA draft picks have performed in their very first half season in the NBA. I bet they’ve all gotten laid. Except for Dwight Howard, I don’t think he gets down like that.
Now go read Patrick Nguyen’s “On the Offense” column. He seems angry. For me it’s back to the rectal-probing that is the home buying process I am currently deeply ensconced in.
Later.
