[NASCAR] Speed Addicts

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Before the two people that read this amusing little piece of insight into the world of the mentally disabled email me, I’ll explain my absence last Sunday. Aside from being in some hot water for terrible grades and a few blown-off classes, I had what can be described as a “mildly” uncomfortable accident on Sunday morning, where I burned my hand like a five-year old jackass, making it again “mildly” uncomfortable to do any typing. But hey, I’m here now, and that’s what counts. Besides, it wasn’t like there was any big racing story over the past two weeks, so huzzah.

Let’s Roll!

Countdown to Daytona
After waiting since November, we’re finally here! The Daytona 500 is only sixteen days away, and you’ve got an all-access pass right here through Speed Addicts. The official start to Speed Weeks is on Monday, and continues right on through to the running of the Great American Race on February 20th, 2005. It has been quite awhile since so many storylines are playing themselves out leading into the 500, and there are more than a few drivers that have a distinct possibility of walking away with a 500 victory this year.

Farewell, Rusty & Mark
This is probably going to take a backseat to Dale Jr. or Busch’s title defense, but it really bares noting that both Rusty Wallace and Mark Martin will be racing in their final Daytona 500 in sixteen days. While “Krusty Wall-Ass” is pretty much Kurt Busch lite, Mark Martin is one of those sentimental picks to win the whole thing, in his last attempt. Either way, though, it would be nice to see Wallace or Martin duke it out for the win this year.

DEI Shakeup
The crew chief-swapping deal will probably get a lot of coverage during the Shootout and into the 500 weekend, though you can’t really make a solid judgment on the whole situation until we get closer to the Coca-Cola 600 in May. What will be interesting to see is how well Junior and Mikey run in the 500, and whether or not Junior goes crying back to mommy, begging for Eury Jr. back when Rondeau proves he belongs back at the dirt track.

Hendrick Boys
Or, more specifically, Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson. This will be their first season following the tragic plane crash last fall that claimed the life of ten people, including several family and operation members of Hendrick, including engine builder Randy Dorton. Despite the assurance from Hendrick that everything is running as smoothly as possible following the loss, it will be interesting to see how Gordon and Johnson specifically run at Daytona. It will be even more interesting to see if a Hendrick Chevrolet can find itself in Victory Lane.

The Joe Gibbs Show
While not as important as the other happenings at Daytona, there was a bit of confusion the other day when Gibbs (apparently mockingly so) made reference to the fact that he may just be contemplating his future with the Washington Redskins. After a couple of NASCAR Beat Writers went to town on the potential story, Gibbs immediately backtracked and claimed to be messing around. Firstly, has Gibbs ever smiled for more than five seconds at a time? The man definitely as the look of an NFL head coach. I didn’t know Gibbs could mess around. It’ll be interesting to see if this has any sort of effect on Bobby Labonte or Tony Stewart over the next few weeks. It’ll also be interesting to see if Labonte can actually still race.

The Old Guard
2004 was definitely NASCAR’s version of a Youth Movement. Among the list of veterans that failed to win a race last year (the abbreviated version) were Bobby Labonte, Dale Jarrett, Michael Waltrip, Jeff Burton, Ricky Rudd, Sterling Marlin, and Ward Burton. I would add Derrike Cope to the list, but Cope sucks too badly for that. Waltrip and Co. deserve better than that. Of those mentioned, Waltrip, Jarrett, and Marlin are multiple time winners at Daytona, and Ward took home the 2002 Daytona 500 victory. All of them have the talent to get it done at the Daytona International Speedway, the only question is whether or not the young guns will allow them to do so.

Racing News & Headlines
Not too much new to report to y’all this week, though there are a few minor notes….

Bristol gets SAFER… Damnit!
Just kidding. Thunder Valley will follow suit with its fellow venues by adding the SAFER barriers in time for the April race. The good thing about Bristol, despite being a tiny little track in a town where the population doubles on Race Day, is that the racing surface is fairly wide around the track, thanks to the modern miracles of steep banking. Never the less, I wouldn’t put it past a few guys to complain about the lack of real estate on the track between now and then. Of course, the track added four feet of extra track space upon completing new grandstands a few years ago, so it wont make much of a difference, cosmetically or otherwise. [Credit All: NASCAR.com]

Damn, this is a pretty slow news week.

Dodge Charger? Eh, okay…
In another bit of dirt over the impending grave of Darlington, officials have agreed to change the name of the last remaining race at Darlington in May. The new name? The Dodge Charger 500. In actuality, the name is at least a bit more relevant to the sport than the Carolina Dodge Dealer’s 500 was. Several of the sport’s greatest drivers drove Chargers back in the 1960s, including the “King”, Richard Petty. Dodge Drivers in NASCAR will be racing the Chargers, and the show cars will arrive in June. Still, the Dodge Charger 500 is a far cry from the Southern 500, no?

Kahne Okay After Crash
Kasey Kahne, the rookie phenom who in 2004 found about a million different ways to lose a race by mere inches, is A-OK after a crash during testing at the California Speedway earlier this week. Kahne blew a tire and drove his #9 Dodge straight into the outside retaining wall on Wednesday, which was compounded by unusually high winds at the track. The only damage Kasey Kahne suffered was to his backside… his car’s backside, that is. Har har…

Know Your NASCAR
This section is geared more towards international readers as opposed to American readers, who probably know a bit more about NASCAR racing by sheer osmosis. Each week, we’ll drive headlong into a facet of Stock Car Racing here in the United States, whether it be a bit about the sport itself, its personalities, or its history. This week, we’ll take a look at the sport’s greatest legend. He’s the King of NASCAR, the one and only, Richard Petty.

Petty was born in Randleman, North Carolina on July 2nd, 1937. His father, the late Lee Petty made NASCAR history by winning the very first Daytona 500 in 1959. Not to be outdone, Richard would win the 500 just like his father did in 1959… seven times. Petty is known as the “King” because of his ungodly stats that he comprised over the years. Petty’s first win came on February 28th, 1960 in Charlotte. From that date on until November of 1992 in Atlanta, the King would accumulate 199 more wins in his career, not to mention 555 Top Five finishes, 712 Top Ten finishes, 123 Poles; 52,194 Laps Led, and over $8.5 Million in earnings (this coming from the days when bringing home ten thousand dollars a year was impressive). More importantly was the underlying stats after Petty’s career was finished; Richard won seven Daytona 500 races, and also racked up seven Grand National/Winston Cup Championships over the course of his career. He raced over 307,000 laps in his career (in NASCAR alone), and is essentially the greatest race car driver period, NASCAR or otherwise. The only major trophy that isn’t sitting on his shelf right now is that of an Indy 500 trophy. Otherwise, the King ruled all over his 30+ year career. Petty made the #43 STP Pontiac the embodiment of NASCAR for a generation of fans that would help NASCAR become a national powerhouse by the new millennium. The most telling stat that attributes Petty’s greatness? Petty has the most victories in NASCAR history with 200. The 2nd winningest driver is David Pearson. His grand total? 105. It would take almost half of the field at this year’s Daytona 500 in order to comprise as many career wins as Petty has. He was that good, folks.

Next week, we take a look at two of the most controversial NASCAR drivers ever: “the Intimidator” Dale Earnhardt and Darrell “Jaws” Waltrip! Be there or be… a lug nut, I guess.

Redneck Theatre: Days of Thunder
This here be the obligated bi-monthly redneck section of the column, where I take a look here at a racin’ movie from the past. This of course means that by May I’ll be out of movies to rant on. Nevertheless, we take a look today at an American classic, one that was screwed out of the Best Picture Oscar that we all know was rightfully theirs! I’m talking about Days of Thunder (that’s if you missed the title of this section).

The Cast
Tom Cruise … Cole Trickle
Nicole Kidman … Dr. Claire Lewicki
Robert Duvall … Harry Hogge
Randy Quaid … Tim Daland
Cary Elwes … Russ Wheeler
Michael Rooker … Rowdy Burns
John C. Reilly … Buck Bretherton

The Plot
Lowly car salesman Tim Daland (Quaid) attempts to make it big in NASCAR by bringing in legendary crew chief Harry Hogge (Duvall) to mentor something of a prodigy in Cole Trickle (Cruise), who quickly becomes one of the world’s best after weathering some early difficulties. Along the way, Cole runs into some rather intense challenges in the form of his two main rivals, Rowdy Burns (Rooker-badass) and Russ Wheeler (Elwes-Sissy). As an added bonus, Cruise gets Nicole Kidman in the sack (bastard)! The movie climaxes when Cruise returns to Daytona after nearly dying there in a previous wreck to win the whole shebang.

The Memorable Crap
Aside from the blatant unrealism that runs wild through the flick, it should also be noted that Tom Cruise manages to speak clearly without moving his lips about fifteen different times! Now, either the person that was dubbing this movie sucked, or maybe there really is a Matrix after all. Anyways, the action pieces are pretty standard for a racing flick: lots of bumping, wrecking, cursing, and more wrecking going on. The race action is, again, a tad bit unbelievable at times (you’ll see), but the movie pretty much zooms along at a nice pace the entire way through.

The most memorable moment from the film has actually endured not only to become a part of NASCAR lure, but also to be a minor pop culture reference back in the nineties. Cole Trickle: The son of a bitch just slammed into me!
Harry Hogge: No, no, he didn’t slam into you, he didn’t bump ya, he didn’t nudge ya… he rubbed ya! And rubbin’, son, is racin’!

Now that’s funny. I don’t care who you are…

Race Day Analysis
The movie itself did little to increase NASCAR’s popularity, though it gave us a great side-shot of Nicole Kidman’s womanhood (score!), and Michael Rooker is always a treat to watch when his snarling badass character is working. Overall, it’s a pretty good waste of two hours, though buyer beware: Parts of the movie feel like they were lifted directly from Top Gun at points, so if you’re a member of the Anti-Kilmer fan club, watch out.

Super Bowl XXXIX Preview
This is probably the least-important preview of the big game Sunday, so I wont waste your time on recapping or previewing the game. I will say this, though: I fully expect Terrell Owens to have a shit game en route to the Philadelphia Eagles getting routed in Jacksonville. Please, Tom Brady, don’t let me down. Predicted final score: 27-17 New England. Brady is your MVP (again).

Victory Lap for the Pimps
Here’s the obligatory Eric Szulczewski pimp right Here.

Tal Aulbrook does the Diversity thing. Yeah. Aulbrook

Patrick Nguyen talks about stuff. On the Offense

Eugene Tierney is back with a column about the “Last Free Agent”. I didn’t know Arnold did baseball movies… Riding the Pine

And here’s one for Nick Pomazak, who brings the love for y’all. Pancakes, baby!

Victory Lane
That’s all from me this week. I’ll be back next Saturday with a full recap of the Bud Shootout and more wholesome goodness than a Happy Days reunion. Until then, stay the Hell away from my Expedition. Thank you kindly.