WWE Bottomline Report 2/5/05
We’re number 1! We’re number ! Remember when WCW Saturday night had this timeslot? Remember when that was their number 1 show? Of course you don’t! This is Bottomline! The show at the very bottom of importance in terms of the WWE canon!
But what’s this? We can win tickets to Wrestlemania during this show? Oh my god! There’s a reason to watch! But first, lets talk about the rumble with Mark Loyd!
Randy Orton suffered a concussion and BLEW IT at the rumble, so we cut to HHH introducing Batista and saying “I’m proud of you. Look at everything we accomplished!” He says it’s all because of loyalty. Look at Orton! And look at you! Armani suits! Rolex watches! Bentley! Women! You got it all, just like HHH said he would have. And now, just like Ric Flair and HHH, Batista is a royal rumble winner. HHH says it’ll be a personal honor to defend the title against Batista. He certainly stuttered on DEFEND there, didn’t he? Batista gets on the mic and says “That’s great, that’s great. HHH! My man. I love hearing what you’re thinking about me. Now let me tell you what I think about you.” Before he can however, JBL(?) Interrupts in a pretaped segment from the royal rumble challenging Batista. “It may be the party I’ve been to, it may be the champagne, it may be the party I’m going to tonight, but I am convinced that I am a wrestling GOD, and Batista is not in my league.” HHH yells at a blank screen, then goes back and threatens Bischoff. This cuts to Bischoff being interrupted by Teddy Long, who apparently didn’t play the tape (it’s a big MYSTERY, you see). He is here, however, to steal Batista from RAW. Long says that he’s made Batista a generous offer (God, I hope it wasn’t the same offer Stephanie gave Steiner). He also mentions the BARB WIRE STEEL CAGE MATCH next month at No Way Out next month.
Up next, Hassan and Debari are interrupted by Sgt Slaughter!
I love the WWE Themeaddict CD ad. Clay Aiken will not be on this CD, and neither will Kenny G! Can you imagine Kenny G doing a WWE intro track? Hey, Big Show needs a new one, get him to do that one!
Can’t get enough WWE excitement? Have John Cena be your ringtone! It’s really not nearly as bad as the Benoit one, but nothing nearly good enough to be considered a ringtone.
March 12th in Oshawa JBL will take on the Big Show, and Rey Mysterio will face Eddie Guerrero.
Clearasil slam of the night is Hassan getting gang beaten at the rumble and thrown out really, really quick.
This cuts to last Monday, with Hassan challenging any American who disagrees with what he’s saying. This brings out Sgt Slaughter, which means that yes, Hassan is now at level 4 in the WWE adventure mode. It’s a break between Jericho and Shelton Benjamin, you see. Slaughter gets a punch or two in, and then a few clotheslines, but Hassan counters with the flatliner and the Camel clutch of IRONY for the win. This was crazy on the irony scale, as Sgt Slaughter’s biggest match was as an Arab sympathizer. Mark Loyd takes a minute to mention that while he is undefeated, he by no means agrees with anything he says.
Up next, maybe I can win tickets to Wrestlemania! Hell, nobody else is watching, right?
Raw magazine has Batista on the cover. But what if he jumps to Smackdown? That’ll ruin EVERYTHING!!!
Watch highlights from Wrestlemania’s 1-9 this month on Fanatix! Seriously, if you haven’t seen them by now, there’s no point in watching highlights. You might as well just go read stupid web comics or something since you clearly have not been outside.
Wrestlemania is 8 weeks away! This year, Wrestlemania goes HOLLYWOOD! That means nothing at all!
But before we get to me winning tickets, lets talk about Benoit and Jericho, and the really shitty match they had with La Resistance. Jericho sets up the walls, and Benoit comes in and does nothing while Grenier breaks it up and beats down on Benoit. Jericho gets the walls, but Grenier breaks it up. Irish whip and Jericho counters into a flying forearm and gets the walls while Conway beats up Benoit outside. Conway comes in and breaks it up, and the ref rings the bell for a double disqualification. Man, Benoit was made to be quite the bitch that match. Later on, Jericho tells Benoit to show him his best, and this Monday on Raw, we get Benoit verses Jericho in a SUBMISSION match (to fill their technical quotient in Japan)
Up next, maybe I’ll win an all expense paid trip to Wrestlemania! I knew watching this show would pay off!
Sunday February 20th is No Way Out! JBL verses Big Show in a Steel CAGE!!!
The Eugene skit is awesome. I hope Kane and John Cena’s respective movies are as good.
And we’re back. And I’ve got a chance to win a trip…to Wrestlemania! Oh no, I’ve got to take clues for four weeks, and then WWE.com it. Clue number 1- This wwe superstar’s first wrestlemania was Wrestlemania 12 in Anaheim, California….and that’s it? Man, I’ve got this one in the bank!
So we naturally cut to Shelton Benjamin beating Simon Dean and thereby ruining his undefeated streak. He ain’t no Goldberg! He ain’t even Hassan! However, the only reason that Shelton beat him however, is because he used the Simon system, available everywhere. This gets Shelton back in the ring to hit the Stinger Splash and the T-bone suplex.
Up next, Edge wants to embarrass Christy Hemme, a girl with pretty well no shame. Good luck Edge!
Next Monday, Edge goes on to fight HHH in a landmark event you cannot miss! Wow, they did that commercial really well, all Yokozuna/Bret Hat-like.
Chris Masters needs a new commercial! Or maybe one of these days he can WRESTLE, or something? Maybe?
Mark Loyd thought that Edge/HBK at the rumble captivated us. Sure, in our pants! Hahaha, okay, lame. Anyways, we get stills of the rumble of HBK/Angle stuff, which was fun and I’m looking forward to the Wrestlemania match. So last Monday, HBK gives an AWESOME promo about being embarrassed with Edge. He wants to do double duty and fight Edge, but Edge says no, and HBK kicks him in the head. Okay then. I like the line that Edge gives though “I beat you last night, I’m done with you.” More people should use that.
And now, the Subway toasted sandwich Wrestlemania recall (we can’t have TWO toasted sandwiches at wrestlemania, oh no we can’t!) , and it’s Linda Mchmahan kicking Vince in the nuts which leads to the Shane Van Terminator at Wrestlemania 17.
Thanks to everyone who watched the Rumble. Batista won, don’tcha know? This cuts to HHH thinking about how selfish he’s being trying to hold Batista down. Who is he to keep Batista from winning the WWE championship from JBL? Hell, that’s a championship he could win! And think about it, wouldn’t it be dandy if Evolution had both world titles? Ric gives him another verbal blowjob for a rather obvious idea, actually.
And now we get HHH & Ric Flair against HBK & Randy Orton. We get to see the intros for once, but we cut to HHH and HBK exchanging right hands on the top rope, and HBK getting the better hand. HBK gets the elbow from the top, and it’s a pier 4 brawl here, and Batista gets up on the apron and FREAKS OUT, getting himself thrown out in the process (and smirking on his way out, almost as if that’s exactly what he wanted). We cut to Randy hitting a dropkick on HHH, backdrop on Flair, and a powerslam on HHH, as well as a neckbreaker on Flair, and then a few punches for HHH. The ref breaks it up, but Flair jumps on him and knocks the ref out. Orton hits an RKO on flair, but Orton lands on the back of his head and reinvigorates that concussion. HHH notices, and goes for the pedigree, but it countered out of nowhere with a Sweet Chin Music . Edge runs in and spears HHH, and HBK clotheslines him outside, leaving only Orton and HHH. Orton appears totally dazed, but still manages to turn over and pin HHH! HBK comes in and holds him until medical comes down.
Next week, HHH will fight Edge for the World Heavyweight Title! In Japan! Pretaped from last week in Japan!
Up next, Snitsky and Kane in the STEEL CAGE.
There are moments that stand the test of time, and then there is Hogan beating Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9. Anyways, we’re finally getting commercials for WWE 24/7, something my Rogers outlet knows absolutely nothing about so far.
Go on, be better parents by buying your kids a TV with more channels! Jesus H Christ. That’s like solving the gun problem by buying your kids a bigger f’n gun.
So last Mondays main even was Snitsky and Kane in a steel cage! How many main events are these guys going to get? I agree with Scott Keith’s last rant on this, that the feud seems to be about going slightly further in killing each other each match, and it really isn’t mattering which one wins. But first, lets cut to Trish Stratus coming out with a HUGE neck brace, and THEN we get to the match, with both of them on the ground. Kane gets up and begins to climb, but then Snitsky climbs right beside him. They punch each other up there, and Snitsky falls first. Kane jumps from the top rope and hits a clothesline! Kane opens up the door, but Trish tries to slam it on him, but he catches it and brings her inside, rips the GIGANTIC neck brace off and goes to chokeslam her, but is stopped by Snitsky, who takes her outside and tears the door off the cage and brings it back inside. I like that neither of them really want to leave the cage. Snitsky runs at Kane with the door, but Kane kicks him down. Kane takes the door and slams it down, and chokeslams’s Snitsky on the cage door and gets the pin! He does a big maniacal victory laugh, and we’re back to Mark Loyd saying how explosive that was.
Next Monday, we get William Regal and Tajiri against La Resistance, as well as Benoit and Jericho in a submission match, as well as HHH against Edge for the big gold belt.
Mark Loyd says “Thanks for watching and…I mean that. See you next Monday in Tokyo Japan!”
Credits roll.
I’m lucky I recap this show. There’s no way I could stay with this Wrestlemania contest for four weeks. Keep with me, though! Maybe I’ll pull through!
