In Memoriam: Ossie Davis, proof that great stage actors come in all colors.
In Memoriam II: John Vernon. He’s not dead, he’s just on double secret probation.
Oh, this week has sucked. Thanks to a few extra chemicals, I survived a massive depressive attack on Tuesday. Of course, because of the attack, my boss is now implying that he’s going to fire me (and I can’t fight back, because I’m still on probation and he needs no reason to do so, and I can’t fight it through the union because of that). However, knowing him, he’ll probably forget about it, or do an assessment and say that I’m doing fine. However, it still does cause some anxiety. Fortunately, I’m still on the K-Dawgs for the panic attack, and those have helped. I think I’ll stick to them until this mess blows over. Fortunately, I’m increasing my dose of Lamictal, which will enable me to stand both this and (if it blows over) the time needed to get the promotion that I’m qualified for. I’ll survive. Whether what remains of my sanity will do so, I’m not sure.
You’re probably not going to see a column on Wednesday next week (gee, so what else is new?), because on Tuesday, we’re going to receive a visit from the Office of the Inspector General, who will be questioning us on various and sundry (nothing of which they know about). The routine is simple: pass the buck on everything. However, the questioning still drains you. I’ll have to put on my Eric of Borg act for them. That should scare the shit out of them for a bit.
I delayed doing the Smackdown Short Form in order to get Impact. I sort of have a routine. Enterprise, then SD, then Impact. Of course, that routine will change in May when the first of those disappears forever (the cancellation was announced this week). Hey, maybe it’ll spark a change. I usually end up doing it on Saturday morning, because I’m trashed after I get home from work on Friday. With night shift, it’s a little more problematic. It usually takes me three hours to download SD, and that leaves me little time to actually work on this. Given the screen caps, it usually takes me three hours to do SD (and an hour and a half to do Impact), so I’d have to wake up at about 7AM on Friday. That’s a long time to stay awake. And if I’m on day shift (as I am now), I usually end up waking up at 4AM on Saturday in order not to disrupt the old sleep cycle, and that’s too damn early, even after three mugs of coffee. So by the time I wake up, gobble down some coffee, and download Enterprise, it’s usually about 1PM when I finish the Short Form. So now you know why SD is being covered a day and a half after it airs.
Gee, doesn’t that make you l33t?
Now on to Smackdown…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Kurt Angle over Nunzio, Kurt Angle Invitational (Submission, AngleLock): Gee, the follow-up SE angle from Royal Rumble that all of us wanted to see (yawn). Well, at least it got Nunzio off of Epilepsy for one week and on to Smackdown.
There’s lots of thing bi Nunzio is, but coastal isn’t one of them
Rey-Rey over Mark Jindrak (Pinfall, rollup): Well, that was some softening-up job that Jindrak did on Rey-Rey for Angle next week, huh? I’ve always wondered, even from a kayfabe standpoint, exactly how someone can still be “soft” a week after a beating. I mean, we’re all used to seeing most wrestlers not even sell an in-match injury during the rest of the match. Even if the injury is sold, it’s usually forgotten about quickly unless it’s after a PPV, in which case the selling might continue through Raw or the Smackdown tapings. The Snitsky/Kane situation in re their fall through the table is a rarity these days. So why even bother with this anymore?
Rey-Rey with one of his staples: the boot to the face
Countering the 619 is not an honor that Mark Jindrak deserves
The Big Show over Doug Basham and Danny Basham, Handicrap Match (Pinfall, TBS pins Doug, chokeslam): And this continues into the discussion above into “softening-up” matches. How exactly the hell are you going to soften up TBS given the nature of his booking? The only successful one recently was performed by a dart gun. And why exactly am I wasting column space on this bullshit? I don’t like the Bashams, I don’t care about this match, I want to move on.
TBS treating Doug Basham rashly on his way to making the tag team champions his bitch
The Undertaker versus Rene Dupree, Number One Contender Quarterfinal Match (DCO): First of all, Cole, it’s the Koreans and Chinese who are notorious for eating dogs, not the Japanese. God, you even f*ck up offensive stereotypical statements. No wonder you didn’t call the Rumble Match. As for the match itself, wasn’t it so cute of UT to actually sell for Dupree in order to waste time and set up that bullshit ending? What a waste of everyone’s time, including the participants.
At least Dupree doesn’t have Quebec’s motto on his ass this week
I don’t think I’ve ever done a cap of UT going old-school. This corrects that gap.
Booker T over Eddy Guerrero, Number One Contender Quarterfinal Match (Pinfall, rollup): There’s a difference between “slow” and “methodical”. “Slow” is just a slowly-paced, dull match. “Methodical” is more of a strategic game inside of a match, where a certain pace, usually slower than normal, is kept while the impression that both wrestlers are trying to out-think the other is established. This usually requires veterans of some standing who are also very good mat wrestlers. The pace is kept consistent, the match is kept interesting, and fuss is usually kept to a minimum (although two ref bumps was a little excessive). This was a very good example of a methodical match, not to mention a treat seeing these two in the ring against each other, and for that matter Booker getting the nod by not falling for Eddy’s lying. Bravo.
Booker overacts just a little to Eddy’s chop
Eddy, however, cannot return the favor as it’s a little difficult to overact a superplex
Well, Booker can try a BookEnd, but it’s not going to work
And here’s the “lying” part…
Angle Developments:
The Real Definition of “Triple Threat”: High-Quality Speaker Boy: can’t wrestle. Cena: can’t wrestle. Batista: just learning how to wrestle. If this match comes off, it’s gonna really, really suck. We’ll actually be wishing for Trip/Orton to be the final match. The best thing I can say about it is that, hell, it’s not Undertaker/Sid.
The setup for Wrestlemania’s main event. Huzzah.
A sign of things to come?
This week’s catfight moment: the dry-cleaning bill
An Inducive Angle: So the first inductees for the HoF this year have been announced. Paul Orndorff…no problem with that one. Great dominant heel for his time. Iron Sheik…again, no problem with that one. Made a nice transitional champion between Backlund and Hogan, drew great heel heat. Nikolai Volkoff…problem. Essentially there because Sheik is being inducted, and you have to throw his tag partner in with him. Bob Orton…reverse nepotism in action. Wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Randy. Jimmy Hart…now this one opens Pandora’s Box for massive speculation. Does this mean that Hogan’s back on good terms with Vince? If so, does Vince pull the trigger and put him in the HoF, finally? And will Hogan demand a match at WM in return? Stay tuned for this one as the ramifications become clearer.
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Petey Williams over Shark Boy (Pinfall, Canadian Destroyer, Time of Match: 5:55): I’ve seen the card for this show, and I can tell you that it’s jobbers all the way from here on in. And don’t say that this was a jobber match as well. Insult Shark Boy, and I’ll kill you. He’s one of my guilty pleasures. Then again, Petey Williams used to be one of my guilty pleasures until he got the spotlight. Damn nice match from these two with minimal D’Amoron interference.
What’s Canadian for “bitch-slap”?
Just another reason you should always wear clean underwear: you never know who’s going to be sniffing it
Shark Boy hitting a hurracanrana is cool enough to screencap
A. J. Styles over Buck Quartermain (Pinfall, Styles Clash, Time of Match: 3:35): Angle advancement match all the way thanks to Daniels’ presence at the announce table. Even worse, his presence allowed Quartermain to get in some offense. Geez, if you’re doing a jobber match, do it right.
A. J. Styles gives a flying knee to that f*cking crawl at the bottom of the screen that I loathe
It took Styles over three minutes to unload the flying forearm. Now that’s restraint.
Jeffykins over David Young (Pinfall, Swanton Bomb, Time of Match: 6:03): Did West actually say that AMW was going to defend their titles against Kid Kash and LaMarr Hoyt (twice, one during this match and once during the main)? As a Sox fan, I do appreciate that, but I don’t think that LaMarr is actually in shape to do anything these days. As for this match, it was great to hear the “Let’s Go, David” chants from the audience. Makes me think that some of these people have taste, unlike a certain pimply, introverted, sexually-confused teenager from Connecticut. But over six minutes to put away David Young? Damn, they’re stretching for time. And Jeffykins is stretching for credibility by doing Sabu imitations.
Your pretty face is going to Hell, Jeffykins
Abyss over Lex Lovett (Pinfall, Black Hole Slam, Time of Match: 0:48): Now this is more like a jobber match. Short, sweet, and to the point. At least it wasn’t wasting my time.
Please let Abyss do this to Jeffykins at the PPV. Numerous times.
Monty Brown and Diamond Dallas Page over Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas (Pinfall, Brown pins Stevens, Pounce, Time of Match: 10:30): Let me start off with a little anecdote. Fleabag was at WrestleReunion and he told me about this when he called me on Saturday (just before that son of a bitch left for Cancun). The ‘Bag was hanging at a strip club with a friend of his, and at about 1AM, they decided to knock off the boozing for the night (even Fleabag has his limits). As they were leaving the club, who should walk in but WrestleReunion participant Page Falkenburg. In his tow was an entire busload of the biggest wrestling nerds you could find in the entire world. This group could populate a crowd scene for Hyatte’s sequel to The Taking of Triple H. Apparently Page, being one of the true nice guys in the business, invited them all to see what actual titties look like. Flea, being a discerning individual, decided to scram before the entire club was infested. Smart move by him. Now, as to this…it’s obvious that they have nothing to do for Page right now since he blew off Raven and Erik Watts. They’re marking time with Brown until he can take the belt from Jarrett sometime in summer. So the solution is simple: team them up. However, it’s incredibly forced. Witness their opponents at That Phil Collins Song: Scott Hall and Bobby Roode. That’s really stretching. Let Page just feud with Hall after this while Brown moves back to Jarrett for a nice, extended feud. Of course, if Vince really wanted to f*ck up TNA at that point, he could just give a shitload of money to Brown and push him as a face upper-mid-carder on Smackdown to replace Van Dam. I wouldn’t mind seeing that happen.
Page gets the piss beat out of him by the Naturals
Andrew Thomas gets some camera time
Angle Developments:
No angles, really. They had the PPV lineup settled a few weeks ago and are just extending what they’ve got. I don’t feel like devoting a space to the latest developments between Jeffykins and Abyss (although I should comment about the f*cked-up gimmicked table that Abyss had a problem setting up). So I’ll stand pat as well.
And with no PPV this weekend, I’ll have to stand pat here. Busy week next week, with Tuesday, Wednesday (I promise), this puppy, and the That Phil Collins Song Round Table. Until then, I’ll bid you adieu.
