Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the NFL and Super Bowl XXXIX, which unfortunately promises no breasts this year.
As many of you may know, I will not be here next week. I am taking a week off to have fun in Amsterdam. As far as a replacement goes, I’ve decided to hold a 30-InsidePulse writer battle royale, which will determine who will take over for me next week…
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(THE SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET BATTLE ROYALE)
This is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli and Stacker 2 Ephedra-Free, as it’s J.J. Botter and Mike Eagle starting this thing off at #1 and #2, respectively, with a staredown. Newcomer Eagle begins it with a kick to the midsection, followed by punch punch punch punch punch. Botter is cornered as Eagle pummels away until Jed Shaffer comes in at #3. Shaffer attacks Eagle from behind with CLUBBING FOREARMS, and tosses him aside to get a shot at Botter, who’s starting to get up. Botter nutshots Shaffer and stands up just in time to see the entrance of Michaelangelo McCullar at #4. McCullar runs in with a clothesline to Eagle, and goes after Botter, who blocks his punches and hits back with his own. Shaffer lifts up Botter and tosses him out at 5:02. Shaffer then shouts something like, “Snow Patrol?! That’s what you get for badmouthing Nine Inch Nails, you indie rock *inaudible*.” Hey, I’m just recapping what happened, here. Shaffer lifts up Eagle and goes to toss him out, except Eagle turns and hip tosses him through the first and second ropes and to the outside. That_Bootleg_Guy is #5, and attacks Shaffer on the outside to start, before entering the ring and getting stomped by the team of Michaelangelo and Eagle, who then start trading punches with each other until Eagle goes down on one knee. Gordi Whitelaw is next at #6, and he comes out to “Rodeo” by Aaron Copland. For those of you who don’t know, this is a contemporary classic tune which can still be heard in the “Beef: It’s What’s For Dinner” ad campaign. Michaelangelo kicks down Eagle and goes after Gordi, but Gordi is GOD ALMIGHTY and lands a big boot on Michaelangelo’s jaw. That_Bootleg_Guy goes for a clothesline on Gordi but gets lifted up and out and eliminated at 10:36. He may be good at winning mandates, but he just GOT SERVED out there in The Saturday Swindle Sheet Battle Royale. Alex Williams is in at #7, and immediately goes to work on Eagle, who was just getting up. Michaelangelo, in the meantime, is tapping out from a well-executed Sharpshooter by Gordi, but YOU CAN’T WIN THE THING like that. Rob Blatt is #8, and he has new pyro for his entrance. He hits the ring and gets a flurry of punches from Gordi, who then lifts up Michaelangelo and eliminates him at 13:06, mostly because I’m sick of typing “Michaelangelo” because it’s way too long. Mike Eagle is back up and kicks Gordi in the back of the leg to take him down for the first time during this thing. Blatt and Williams double-team Eagle, and Shaffer is back in as Coach Coogan is #9, and Katie bar the door, it’s a BRAWL AT PIER ONE IMPORTS. Coogan immediately unleashes the SYRACUSE VIOLENCE on Rob Blatt, who happens to look a lot like Michael Huckaby. Coogan splits him open and tosses him at 15:44. Michael O’Reilly is #10, and he and Alex Williams team up to take out everybody with the double clothesline. Daniels is out next at #11, and he’s brought what appears to be a croquet mallet, more than likely to pimp the SPORTS SECTION. He hits Williams in the stomach with the handle of the mallet and levels O’Reilly with a shot in the head. Mike Eagle dropkicks O’Reilly out at 18:30 and then spears Daniels into the corner. Shaffer lifts up Coogan for a power slam but he escapes and get clotheslined by Gordi. Shawn M. Smith is #12, as the crowd goes wild for this newcomer; he starts out by delivering a boot to head of Shaffer and grabbing the croquet mallet and giving Daniels a solid hit in the face. Brendan Campbell and Andy Campbell, who are possibly related, are #13 and #14, respectively, and they both come out at the same time to Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy”, and Elden Campbell of the New Jersey Nets looks on proudly. Gordi and Mike Eagle meet the possible brothers as they enter the ring with stereo dropkicks, and Gordi’s eliminates Brendan at 23:19. Meanwhile, Alex Williams gets double-teamed by Coogan and Shaffer until Liquidcross comes out at #15 to help out his GAMES SECTION compatriot. He chops away at Coogan and proceeds to STOMP A MUDHOLE in Shaffer in the corner. Shawn M. Smith tosses Daniels at 25:57 as David Ditch is #16, and he breaks out the PURORESU moves with a Shining Wizard on Gordi followed up by an Asai Moonsault. Eagle gets tossed out by Andy Campbell but HOLDS ON to the apron and slides back in to get sweet retribution and tosses Andy to eliminate him at 26:41. NY Slayer is #17 and he comes out with the usual picture of a really hot chick. He breaks it over Jed Shaffer’s head but walks into a Shooting Star Press from David Ditch. Mike Eagle pummels Shawn M. Smith in the corner until Gordi breaks it up and locks in an Abdominal Stretch. TEAM GAMES (Alex Williams and Liquidcross) toss David Ditch at 28:35 and then attack Shaffer, who was already down as a result of having a picture of a hot chick broken over his head. Dan Hevia is #18, but he gets attacked by #19, Patrick Gilchriest, who just CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Gilchriest carries Hevia to the ring as TEAM GAMES attack them both. Gordi Whitelaw dumps Jed Shaffer at 30:07, as Shawn M. Smith attacks Gordi with that croquet mallet that you probably forgot about. James Hatton comes out at #20 as Alex Williams turns on Liquidcross and tosses him out at 31:14. Gloomchen and Eric S. are both out, at #21 and #22, respectively, and they hit the ring as it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Eric S. blocks the croquet mallet by Shawn M. Smith and tosses him out at 32:03, while Gloomchen chops away at Dan Hevia, and NY Slayer and Gilchriest take stereo dropkicks from Mike Eagle and Gordi Whitelaw. PK is #23, and he walks into Rolling Germans from Coogan, who then receives a Guillotine Leg Drop from Alex Williams. Gilchriest goes up top for a HIGH RISK MANOEUVRE, but gets knocked off an out by Scott Keith, who is #24, at 35:41. Scott Keith gets into the ring and shouts GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT before going to work on James Hatton, although NY Slayer pulls him away and chops him, then tosses him to the ropes and Eric S. pulls them down to eliminate Scott Keith at 36:29. Michael Chadwick is #25, and teams up with Eagle, Gordi, and Gloomchen to form TEAM MUSIC, and they pummel away on Coach Coogan, who ge
ts TRIPLE CHOKE-SLAMMED and dumped at 37:36. TEAM MUSIC then goes after Dan Hevia, until Gordi turns on TEAM MUSIC to show his allegiance to his WRESTLING comrade and blasts them all with that damned croquet mallet that keeps getting involved. SON OF A BITCH!! BY GAWD!!! It’s BONZO GONZO as Gordi and Hevia toss Gloomchen at 39:55 and Michael Chadwick at 40:06. Widro comes out at #26, and Fingers is with him at #27, as they try and restore the peace but both get eliminated at 40:22. D’Estroyer is #28, and he puts in HIS TWO CENTS on Alex Williams, who gets tossed at 41:10. Eagle and PK slug away at each other, and Eagle is split WIDE OPEN and juices like a ripe tangelo. James Hatton hits Hevia with the croquet mallet and then tosses it into the crowd, hitting Elden Campbell and probably setting up a feud between those two. Eric S. hits Gordi with a double-axehandle and then gives him a bunch of MAOIs and tosses him at 43:20. Murtz Jaffer is #29, and he comes to the ring with the entire cast of Survivor: Vanuatu. D’Estroyer GOES ALL METAL on Murtz and head-butts him, and then does that dance that hardcore kids do where they throw arbitrary punches and jump kicks. Hevia takes a kick in the midsection, and Hatton and NY Slayer take punches in the face, as Mathan Erhardt comes out at #30 and lays on the LAS VEGAS PHYSICAL INTENSITY, tossing D’Estroyer at 45:59 and Hevia at 46:08. Hatton give Mathan a rake to the eyes and kicks him in the midsection, although Mathan nutshots him and Mike Eagle dropkicks Hatton out of the ring at 46:49. Eric S. pulls an entire side of beef out of nowhere and smashes it over PK’s head, as Murtz Jaffer gets a rotten salmon fillet covered with maggots from one of the Survivor contestants who had to eat that as part of one of their challenges and happened to save one and bring it to the ring. He tosses the fillet at Mike Eagle, who kicks it and gives it a KICK WHAM STUNNER, before clothelining Murtz out at 48:17. Eagle and Mathan double-team PK in the corner as NY Slayer dropkicks the side of beef into Eric S. and gives them the double chokeslam and eliminates them both at 49:00. The side of beef was not part of the battle royale, but it got eliminated nonetheless. We have our final four, as it’s NY Slayer, Mike Eagle, PK, and Mathan Erhardt. Eagle and Mathan team up to beat down NY Slayer as PK gets up from the corner. He pulls out a recalled action figure which contains easily swallowable parts and tosses it at Mathan, who turns around and gets a shot to the nuts by NY Slayer. PK dropkicks NY Slayer and tosses him at 51:35. He turns around and gets double-clotheslined by Eagle and Mathan, which sends him outside and GOODBYE at 51:42. Mathan, who won thing last year, turns to Eagle and gets chopped into the corner. Eagle goes to the opposite corner and charges Mathan, although he moves and Eagle hits the ring post. Mathan lifts Eagle up and out to eliminate him at 53:10. BUT WAIT… Eagle is hanging on to the top rope, and has only one foot on the floor! He pulls himself back in and clotheslines an unsuspecting Mathan out to eliminate him at 53:32. ************** MATCH OF THE CENTURY. Mike Eagle wins and will be my fill-in for next week. Stay tuned!
NEWS TO USE
When I first read headlines that said “R&B Singer Houston Gouges Eye Out,” I was almost certain that Whitney Houston had finally done way too many drugs and just went to absolute shit. However, Whitney Houston and her eye are fine, as the R&B singer “Houston” refers to Houston Summers IV, who is an R&B singer that’s performed with Chingy and Nate Dogg, and had his song “I Like That” used by McDonald’s in a recent ad campaign. Apparently, the singer has been dealing with some severe psychological problems, as he reportedly tried to throw himself off of a balcony at a London hotel that he was staying at. As reports say that one of Houston’s bodyguards was able to get him to stop, his publicist said that such an incident never even occurred. The one thing that is for sure, however, is that he did gouge out his eye soon thereafter, according to one of his bodyguards, who found the singer holding a towel over his face as there was a copious amount of blood on the floor. Marco Powell told reporters that “Houston was lying on his bed with a towel over his face and I removed the towel to find his eye hanging out. He said he had to get the devil off of his back and that’s the only way he could kill the devil.” None of this story has been fabricated, I swear.
Suge Knight was arrested on Saturday night in Barstow, California, for possession of marijuana and subsequently charged with violating his parole after having assaulted a valet last year. The Death Row Records co-founder was pulled over after making an illegal U-turn, and a search of his SUV turned up a significant amount of pot. He is being held by the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department and will be sent to a state prison later in the week. Knight told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “It will be nice to be back in jail. I missed my cell. I hope they didn’t take down my Rita Hayworth poster. I missed raping 18-year-old prisoners. I also missed the food. I hope they still have those green beans that I like.”
Following up on a story from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #68…
R. Kelly has filed a lawsuit against rapper and former tour mate Jay-Z after he claims he was wrongfully forced off of the tour and also assaulted by a member of the rapper’s entourage. The breach of contract suit accuses Jay-Z of causing several different technical glitches during Kelly’s sets as a result of his being jealous that Kelly was more popular and made more money from the tour. He also claims that the rapper and his associates engaged “in a pattern of wrongful conduct” in order to get Kelly kicked off of the tour, which has now been renamed “Jay-Z and Friends,” and will feature Slick Rick, Doug E. Fresh, Phar[r]ell Williams, and Professor Griff. Kelly’s suit is asking for a total of $75 million in compensatory and punitive damages. Word from Jay-Z’s camp is that Kelly’s “lack of professionalism and unpredictable behavior” (including consistently showing up late for performances and ending them mid-set for no apparent reason) is what ultimately caused him to be excluded from the tour. The boiling point ended up being an incident that occurred last Friday in which Kelly claimed that two men were flashing guns at him during a performance at Madison Square Garden, and abruptly left the stage. He then proceeded to find Jay-Z’s mother backstage, knocked her to the ground, and urinated on her face.
Jay-Z responded to Kelly’s suit with his own countersuit, filed on January 24th. It states that he and his management had no choice but to take Kelly off of the tour due to a “nightmarish odyssey fueled by R. Kelly’s financial woes, insecurities, and unsafe and unpredictable behavior.” He added that Kelly would often show up late for performances, unprepared, and had on a few occasions left shows early, in tears. The Saturday Swindle Sheet sent our ace reporter, Elliot Smilowitz, to interview Jay-Z in Brooklyn…
Elliot: Jay-Z, there are reports that R. Kelly sometimes left shows early in tears. Why exactly was he crying?
Jay-Z: KFC was out of macaroni and cheese. He was heartbroken. What a bitch.
Elliot: ZIMA!
Jay-Z: What?
Elliot: You heard me.
The Game, a rapper that is part of 50 Cent’s G-Unit group, is being investigated after he and his entourage allegedly beat a radio DJ in the lobby of Maryland’s WKYS station. DJ Zxulu supposedly made a joking comment about an earpiece that one of the rapper’s associates was talking into while they were at the station on January 21st, and was then assaulted by several men. As a result, Radio One, which owns WKYS and 68 other radio stations nationwide, stopped playing tracks off of The Game’s album, The Documentary. However, according to the rapper’s management, the ban was lifted after surveillance tape showed that he and his goons had nothing to do with the incident, except for the beating part.
Pete Doherty, the always-volatile former singer of The Libertines, had to spend the weekend in a London-area jail after failing to raise the £150,000 needed for his bail. Doherty was arrested on Wednesday following an altercation with filmmaker Max Carlish and charged on Friday at Highbury Corner Magistrates’ Court with robbery and blackmail. Carlish told reporters that he had been working on a documentary film for Doherty’s band, Babyshambles, and had sold pictures to a British tabloid of the singer, using heroin. When Doherty found out about it, he (accompanied by musician Alan Wass) had assaulted Carlish and demanded money from him, more than likely to buy more smack. Carlish was taken to a local hospital for treatment of minor wounds, as both Doherty and Wass deny that the incident ever happened. After being released from jail, the singer will have to comply with several bail conditions, including a curfew after 10pm, having to be accompanied by a security firm whenever he leaves his house, having to give up his passport, and reporting daily to a police station.
Master P released a statement vis-à-vis his being arrested last week on charges on felony gun possession. He said that the LAPD failed to realize that the guns he was carrying when he was arrested were registered, and added, “What did they expect me to be carrying? A can of Mace? … It’s a different way of life for a person of color with money than it is for others with money. Also, be sure to go out and buy my P. Miller clothing. Such crunk joints as Value City and TJ Maxx just got new shipments.”
Quick Bits
Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley contracted a throat infection and the band was forced to cancel four Canadian performances. That’s what he gets for eating Paris Hilton’s pussy.
Al Nichol, the former guitarist for The Turtles, has been sentenced to six months in prison after driving under the influence of alcohol while on probation for committing the same offense last May.
Queen Latifah will host the Grammy Awards program, and will also perform a song from her nominated jazz vocal album.
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, who have been married since last June, will be performing a duet at the Grammy Awards ceremony next Sunday. Anthony is nominated for both best Latin pop album and best salsa album.
In other J-Lo news, the instrumental for her single “Get Right” was originally used by Usher for song that got cut from his Confessions album. In a related story, Lil Jon is still very horrible.
FROM THE LABELS
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iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up on the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Jane’s Addiction, “Been Caught Stealing”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Black Planet”
Genesis, “That’s All”
Pigface, “Asphole”
Fauna Flash, “Taurus”
A Flock of Seagulls, “Space Age Love Song”
Stereo MCs, “Connected”
Bran Van 3000, “Drinking in L.A.”
KMFDM, “Beast”
The Who, “Eminence Front”
Lords of Acid, “Rough Sex” (The All Night Grinder Mx)
Van Halen, “Panama”
Generation X, “Dancing with Myself”
Hooverphonic, “2wicky”
Kinky, “Soun Tha Mi Primer Amor”
Al Jarreau, “Moonlighting”
Ramones, “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School”
Revolting Cocks, “(Let’s Get) Physical”
Elton John, “Crocodile Rock”
Junior Murvin, “Police and Thieves”
Nekromantix, “Nekronauts”
Pixies, “Gigantic”
Supergrass, “Alright”
The Jam, “A Town Called Malice”
Yesterday’s New Quintet, “Julani”
Junior Senior, “Move Your Feet”
Face to Face, “Planet of Sound”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
When the Slipknot-headlined Subliminal Verses Tour hits the Great Western Forum in Los Angeles on April 9th, Lamb of God will not be allowed to perform. According to a representative for the Faithful Central Bible Church, which owns the venue, told reporters that the company church officials had to “draw the line” because Lamb of God was previously known as Burn the Priest. Before that, they were called Abortion Tickles!, and before that, they were known as Jesus Did It For The Chicks.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m only happy when it rains.
Cheers
-JF2k5!
