Riding Coattails: Countdown to Palau, Part 1

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With less than two weeks until the season premier of Survivor: Palau, CBS’s tenth
installment of the greatest reality show of all time (an assessment I’ve reached through the most sophisticated, scientific methods possible, i.e., my own damn opinion), I’m already starting to salivate. A lot of my friends and acquaintances are mystified by my continued obsession with Survivor, particularly those who enjoyed the first season or two and then lost interest. For them, initial fandom gave way to boredom, which leaves me just as baffled. How could this game ever be boring?

While I would agree that some seasons were more stellar than others (Survivor: Africa is my personal favorite), I can’t agree that any were even close to dull. Yes, it’s the same game spun out in mildly different variations. Yes, people suffer the same ailments of hunger, sleep deprivation, and extreme annoyance. But what keeps me watching are the players. Season after season, Mark Burnett and crew continue to deliver fresh faces that delight, disgust, confuse, charm, and ultimately intrigue me. And while I wouldn’t say that all survivors are created equal in their capacity to entertain, each season has featured a sufficient mix of zany personalities to make Survivor a worthwhile viewing experience.

I’m always excited to delve into the profiles of the latest castaways as soon as CBS releases information about them. And by the looks of the game’s twenty latest contestants, I’d say we’re in for another stellar season. Here are my thoughts on the first ten players, with notes to follow next week on the remaining half:

Angie Jakusz, 24
Although I have no tattoos and Angie has eleven, we do have a few things in common, such as being
born in Wisconsin, having lived in San Francisco and New York, and heckling people for sport. I
like the looks of this girl, with her groovy glasses and Betty Page bangs. She’s kind of a female Lex van den Berghe, my favorite player of all time. When I first saw Lex, I worried that people would be put off by all of his body ink and pierced nipples and whatnot, but that was never an issue for him given how outgoing he was. I hope the same holds true for young Angie.

Ashlee Ashby, 22
Oh my heck, it’s another young Mormon! Judging by how well Ashlee’s predecessor Neleh Dennis did as runner-up of Survivor: Marquesas, I’d say this girl is a strong contender for the big prize. This does not mean that I like her. I do not typically trust people with such stupidly spelled names, although that’s really not her fault. But it is proof that she was raised by cheesy gagheads. And maybe it’s just my own insecurity (or dependency) talking, but I have always been wary of anyone who doesn’t drink caffeinated beverages or say “ass” for religious reasons.

Bobby Jon Drinkard, 27
This young man’s surname would suggest that he’s a real party animal, and quick scan of his bio reveals that he was in a fraternity, lettered in high school football, and loves Miller High Life. Yep, I imagine Bobby Jon has spent many a night downing boiler makers and helping busty young coeds attempt another keg stand. Then again, he also lists “reading the bible” as one of his favorite pastimes. Is it possible that this Alabama boy possesses more than one dimension to his personality? C’mon, Burnett, you’re going to confuse the viewing public.

Caryn Groedel, 46
A civil rights attorney? Rock on, rock star. I have the utmost respect for anyone who fights oppression. Plus, she named her daughters Hannah, Isabel, and Mia, which proves she has taste. This woman looks fabulous, although I wonder if she won’t be a tad bossy out on the island. And maybe too outspoken for her own good.

Coby Archa, 32
Ah, at last. I’m sure I’m not the only one who noticed that the last gay boy to grace the Survivor screen (besides Richard Hatch in All-Stars, of course) was Nurse John in the Marquesas. That was three years ago! I was delighted to watch Coby’s introductory video on CBS.com, in which is beautiful flame-osity practically jumped off the computer screen. This dude seems like a real bad-ass, too, with his criminal record and hair salon business. I am, like, so totally excited.

Gregg Carey, 28
What were this man’s parents thinking? The name Greg already has two G’s when spelled correctly. What in God’s name would make anyone think it needed a third? But again, not his fault. Still, I tend to get rather judgmental when it comes to names and I know it colors my view of the person, due to the sound, spelling, or association I have with someone else bearing that name (so for anybody named Brent who’s reading this, I’m sorry, but I’d be very wary of you if we ever met). Anyway, I don’t have a lot more to say about Mr. Carey. He looks nice enough, but I predict he will go the way of so many muscular players before him. That is, toward an early exit.

Ian Rosenberger, 23
OK, this boy is made for Survivor. He participated in a dance marathon in college where, according to CBS.com, “he did not sit or sleep for 48 hours and helped raise $3 million for children with cancer.” That’s totally h-core! What an animal! Not only that, but he works as a dolphin trainer and attended a school bearing my last name (Quigley Catholic High School in Baden, Pennsylvania). What more can I say? I’m in love.

Ibrehem Rahman, 27
If his tribemates ever want to vote this guy out, I’d recommend they double-check the spelling (not that they ever do. Remember when Heidi voted off a woman named Gene in the Amazon?). Ibrehem looks like a nice guy and one of several other Alabamans on the show this season. There must’ve been one hell of a casting call in Birmingham. I like the fact that Ibrehem loves his mama so much. You can trust a man like that.

James Miller, 33
And the southern folk just keep coming. It looks like Alabama’s claim to fame for producing the most Miss America winners might soon be overshadowed by its surplus of Survivor contestants. I expect great things from Mr. Miller, given his military and blue collar experiences. I think he stated in an interview that he wanted to be the first redneck to win the game. Well, I hope he’s looking to Clay Jordan, Twila Tanner, and Tom Buchanan as role models, because it’s true that those good ol’ boys can get pretty far. Let’s see if this one takes it all the way.

Janu Tornell, 39
Ooh, a Vegas showgirl. Thank God they found someone with fake breasts to be on the show. It just wouldn’t be the same otherwise.