Okay, I may have lied a little. There’s almost nothing about V-Day in this issue. Sorry – but I was just looking to get some of those hopeless romantics out there to check out the column. Or those bitter, lonely people who loathe the ‘holiday’ so much they can’t help but check out content that even remotely mentions it. Whichever.
Anywho, hi-low everyone. This is the Weekly Pulse for Movies and I am your loveable internet personality, Shaun Norton. Let’s drop it like it’s hot.
**Shudder** Sorry. Was dared to do that. It won’t happen again.
Real Life is Damn Entertaining
So some people might call me a conspiracy theorist, and that’s okay. If there weren’t so many damn sneaky, secret things going on in the world today, I’d have nothing to keep bringing up and thus I wouldn’t be labeled a theorist of any kind. Well, at least not of conspiracies. Anywho, this week I merely provide five links, and you make of them what you will. Unrelated coincidences? Or some diabolical plot being slowly put into motion? I’m sure we’ll know soon enough.
Mystery Illness Baffles Doctors
Personal Account of Mystery Disease
And the most bizarre: A career in microbiology is deadly and Another Microbiologist Murdered. Pretty odd huh?
And something doesn’t smell right to me about North Korea’s little announcement today either. Is it possible that something spooked Korea so bad they pulled out of talks? Or is it more global politicking on their part? It doesn’t make sense….
You Mean Inside Pulse Talks About Stuff Besides Movies?
Turns out we do.
Wrestling – Gordi Whitelaw debates whether or not Nikolai Volkoff belongs in the Hall of Fame. And he makes a solid arguement for it.
Games – Adam Whisnant previews Destroy All Humans!. All I have to say is “Gimmie gimme gimme! Now now now!!!!” **Ahem**
TV – TONS of great content in the TV Pulse this week. They make me feel like a slacker. Well, not really, but a hell of a job.
Sports, Comics, and Figures are fantastic sections if you’re into anything they’ve got to give you (Which is a lot).
And McCullar, apparently studying all forms of shaman-ism and voodoo, has promised a plague upon my house if I even have a ‘gloomy’ day, so instead I send a big ole Huzzah! to our wonderful Music Pulse!
News You can Use – And We Abuse
Well, Kern promised me he’d be around, and then abandoned me again. I’m getting tired of your games Kern – our relationship is stressed and it can NOT handle you pushing it off like this. **Sigh** Anyway, after he begged and pleaded, I agreed to have a new co-news guy this week. Ladies and gents, making his Norty News debut, Michaelangelo ‘The Shark’ McCullar!
McCullar: It’s about time you brought me in to class up the joint. I mean, Campbell as a replacement? That’s like bringing Koy Detmer in for Donovan McNabb. With me, you’re getting Montana, kid.
Norty: Ha, from the Canadian Softie to the Shark. This should be interesting.
McCullar: But have no fear, Norton. I’ll just bring my B-game. If I brought my A-game, Coach Coogan would have to bench your ass and make me replace you, and I’ve got enough pins in the air as it is. And before we start, I’d just like to give a shout out to my Japanese peeps, or as I call them, Jeeps.
Norty: Oh it’s so on. You can’t spell Dynasty without Y, and you can’t spell Norty without Y…..so….I rock and you’ll suck. Let’s do this.
The way it works: Kern….McCullar and myself take most of the news from the week, post it here in one easy-to-find spot, and then commentate on/make fun of/rip it up. The headlines are in bold, the news story underneath, and then our comments on said story. No promises this won’t get ugly.
Bond Producers going old school with Next Bond Film
Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli, producers of the James Bond films, and MGM announced today that Martin Campbell will direct Casino Royale, the 21st film in the 007 franchise. This is Campbell’s second time as helmer of a James Bond film. In 1995 he directed GoldenEye.
Wilson and Broccoli said: “We are thrilled that Martin has accepted our offer to direct ‘CASINO ROYALE.’ He is an extremely talented director and we believe he will help take our films in a new and exciting direction. He is currently finishing filming ‘Legend Of Zorro,’ the sequel to ‘The Mask Of Zorro,’ and will be joining EON Productions shortly to work on the development of the script with our writers, Neal Purvis and Robert Wade.”
Casino Royale will be released in 2006 and distributed world-wide by MGM. No decision has yet been made regarding casting for the role of James Bond.
Norty: They’re digging deep in the past for this one huh? Wonder how they’ll update it for the current audience. Of course, it would help if they maybe, I dunno, had a BOND.
McCullar: Will they be dusting off David Niven’s corpse for this one? Of course, you gotta love the head fake with this one. QT begs to make Casino Royale, they tell him don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya, then they decide to make it themselves. Don’t f*ck with Quentin, or you’ll wake up one morning wondering why Michael Madsen has your ear in his hand.
Norty: Quentin should have kept it quiet and gotten the rights and all the jazz first. Lord knows the Bond franchise is in trouble (to some) – originality is lacking and they saw the magic in Quentins idea and there ya go. QT would have done it better though – I predict that now.
McCullar: This guy Campbell has a track record of jacking other people’s projects. He jacked Zorro from Robert Rodriguez and now he’s jacking this from Quentin. He better watch out before he gets a one-way trip to the Titty Twister.
Norty: Titty Twister….a concept you know well I bet. Moving on!
Conflicts Appearing Between Superman and X-Men?
In his latest column for MSN, Greg Ellwood wrote that, according to his sources, 20th Century Fox nixed the idea of up-and-coming actor Shawn Ashmore starring in Warner Bros’ new Superman feature. Fox is telling actors who have options for the third, untitled X-Men film that it will begin shooting June 20th. That conflicts with the Superman spring shooting schedule, which is anticipated to go through July 30. Ashmore is one of the few actors in the X-Men franchise that is contractually obligated to two sequels. The other actors locked in include Alan Cumming (Nightcrawler), Aaron Stanford (Pyro), Anna Paquin (Rogue) and Rebecca Romijn (Mystique). Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) has agreed to a new contract for the movie and has approval on the new director for the series. James Marsden has already been removed from consideration as Cyclops after he took a smaller part as Perry White’s son in Superman.
Ian McKellen (Magneto), Patrick Stewart (Professor X) and Famke Janssen (Jean Grey) are all expected to return for the right price. A director and final writer has yet to be locked in.
McCullar: Tell that bitch Bryan Singer to call up Justin Timberlake so he can cry me a river. That’s some trying to have your cake and eat it too kind of shit.
Norty: I disagree. Singer made a career call and a good one. If I was Fox, I’d be bending over backwards to kiss the asses of my non-contractually obligated stars, who obviously have loyalties to singer. Superman could considerably f*ck up X-Men.
McCullar: There’s only one Superman, and he broke his neck. Unless they plan on digging his dead ass up, hooking him back into the wheelchair, and tying the cape back around his neck, I don’t wanna hear about it.
Norty: Jassen is considering jumping ship – if SHE goes, their entire plot jumps ship with her. People are forgiving about franchises being restarted years later – if you replace Cyclops, Jean, and whoever else, people aren’t gonna like it. I’d say I feel for Fox, but to me they’re being douche about the whole thing.
McCullar: How are they being douche? These people have contracts, and they wanna go make Superman? Screw all of them. If it wasn’t for X-Men, Xenia Onatoppe would be knocking on Matt Damon’s door begging him to make Rounders 2.
Norty: Well, actually, some have contracts, and some do not yet. If the actors think they can do both, why the hell not? Superman had its schedule, and then Fox picked their start date to directly conflict with it. Douche.
McCullar: And it was douche for Singer to jump ship in the first place.
Norty: Why? Obviously he wasn’t contractually obligated, and he obviously got a better offer and another fresh start at a movie he wanted to make his entire life. I’d like to see you turn it down. Or anyone else. Fox should wait a year, park a dump truck full of money in Singers driveway, and bring him in for X-3.
McCullar: Fox should bury Singer’s ass next to Hoffa.
Norty: Tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing Singer did – more money and your dream job. Tell me straight up.
McCullar: Unlike your avaricious ass, I know the meaning of a little word called loyalty. I’m Clemenza and you’re Tessio: Which one got whacked? End of story.
Norty: I don’t know, but you’re a liar. Easier for you to say and not do. This will come up later…..
More Evil Dead News = Awesome-ness
Sam Raimi and producer Robert Tapert have talked in-depth about the future of the Evil Dead franchise and what’s going on in regards to both the sequel, and the remake. They confirmed the remake is almost certainly not going to be a PG-13 (ala The Grudge & Boogeyman) and due to Bruce’s insistence there will be no character called Ash. The aim with it is “Rob and I would try to get a young director with brand new ideas with his own cast and his own take on the thing” says Raimi who confirms that as of right now they’re “waiting to find the right director for the project, that thinks he can really bring something new…the goal of this director should be to terrify the audience in a very intense, and merciless way”. If they don’t find someone, they would “put it on hold. I don’t think we’d abandon it, but we won’t make it unless we have a really good script and a really great director, somebody we feel is just right for it”.
Wouldn’t people get confused if the two films came out close to each other? Raimi told LatinoReview (www.latinoreview.com) – “I think the fans are really smart. I don’t think they’d be confused. I’d like to make a part four. There’s this very small audience for Evil Dead IV, and if we ever make a movie called Evil Dead IV, which I’d like to make with Rob at some point and starring Bruce Campbell, I’m not saying there’s a million people, but there’s 100,000 people that will know exactly what it is and that’s about as big as the crowd is, honestly. It’s not a giant crowd. They’re a great crowd”. Tapert realized that the sequel might have to be Army of Darkness II, since Universal produced the most recent sequel.
McCullar: Man, the power of The Brucee!
Norty: Campbell PWNS all.
McCullar: I’m not gonna sat that’s I’m not apprehensive about the remake, but I think Raimi and Campbell will make sure it’s done right. And an Evil Dead 4 makes me quiver like a schoolgirl on Prom Night.
Norty: I have faith in all things Bruce. And leave your homo-erotic prom-night memories to yourself. This is a news column, not the seedy underbelly of D.C. *Zing!*
McCullar: Unlike you, I went to Prom with a woman. Your mom :-o
Norty: Ugh. Please, do the readers a favor – leave the mom jokes to Kern. He does it with style, where as you’re just…..reaching. It looks sad dude. Seriously.
More News of a Halo Movie
Microsoft has quietly put the finishing touches on a million-dollar deal to hire Alex Garland, writer of Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later and The Beach, to adapt the games into one movie Garland’s screenplay will then be offered to studios as a complete “turnkey” script and rights package – ensuring the company and filmmakers have control over the direction the film will take in its initial stages. Microsoft isn’t expected to be involved beyond script development and consultation on the production, and it’s unclear what kind of a deal Microsoft will seek once a script is completed.
The Halo franchise is one of the most popular in video game history, having sold over 12.8 million units and grossed approximately $600 million since its 2001 debut. Last year’s sequel game has sold 6.4 million units thus far and was the second best-selling game of the year, outmatched only by Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
Norty: A curse on all their houses: Bungie for tricking me with the story of Halo 2, Microsoft for having no souls and selling anything for the right amount of dough, and to whoever will write and direct, and RUIN, this. A curse upon them ALL.
McCullar: Christ Almighty, didn’t they learn anything from Super Mario Bros.? They’ll probably tap Dwayne to play Master Chief…he seems to be getting all the video game flicks right now.
Norty: Put some dude in a suit and do the James Earl Jones/Vader treatment – use the Halo character as a voice-over.
McCullar: Although Spy Hunter could kick ass with John Woo at the helm…
Norty: And even THEN I don’t support this film.
McCullar: But really, this is as uneccessary and disturbing as the naked pics you have of Kern…
Norty: I didn’t know they were naked pics – he told me they were of friendly girls from Holland. Holland!
Norty: I mean – I have no pics.
McCullar: Video? You freak.
Norty: Err…next
Cuthbert Joins Cast of New Film
Elisha Cuthbert (The Girl Next Door) will star in The Itty Bitty Titty Committee for writer/director Jamie Babbit (But I’m a Cheerleader!). Babbit wrote the screenplay about a high school girl finds a sense of purpose after joining a radical feminist group. The film will also star Camilla Bell, Martin Donovan and Edie Falco. Production is expected to begin in May.
McCullar: Wow…I got nothing. I mean, someone is actually planning on making a film called Itty Bitty Titty Committee?
Norty: Huh…huh huh…..huh….huh huh…..you said ‘titty’.
McCullar: I feel like Cartman on that episode of South Park where he literally got to the point that he couldn’t laugh anymore. If you’re Eliza’s agent, how do you approach her with this one?
Norty: I don’t know. Edie Falco is in it too. Edie Falco!
McCullar: “Eliza, I’ve got just the career move! It’s the perfect script! Itty Bitty Titty Committee!
Norty: Which doesn’t fit, given the attributes….
McCullar: Wouldn’t he find himself hanging off a balcony like Suge Knight did to Vanilla Ice?
Norty: There’s got to be something we’re missing here.
McCullar: Lemme check my calendar…nope, not April 1st.
Norty: A good script? A bad crack habit?
McCullar: Seriously, when I read this, I did an honest-to-God spit take.
Norty: I mean, Carmella Soprano is not desperate for cash…..and neither is 24/Girl Next Door either.There’s a weird, Twilight Zone-like missing link here.
McCullar: And, if I’m not mistaken, they both have better-than-average racks, don’t they?
Norty: Much better than itty-bitty
McCullar: I think there was a super-secret decoder ring that was supposed to come with this news blurb but someone forgot to send it out.
Norty: I’m at a loss, for the first time ever….
McCullar: Seriously, it sounds like an off-the-rack porno flick. Not even a front-shelf one…one you have to spend a good 40 minutes in the store to find…
Norty: Do you often spend 40 minutes in the porn shop?
McCullar: I’m a connoisseur, what can I say?
Norty: Nothing. That summed it up for me.
Could Luke Skywalker Return….on TV?
There might be something to those rumours about Mark Hamill strapping on the saber holster again for a Star Wars TV series after all. IESB caught up with the actor – forever known as Luke Skywalker – at the DVD Exclusive Awards, who hinted that, yes, there might well be a Star Wars TV series in the works (Guess it’s safe to say then that I’ve spoke to some official troopers who’ve also confirmed it – but were hoping the news would stay under lock-and-key for a spell) and that there’s always a possibility that an aged Luke Skywalker might make an appearance.
“Never Say Never”, Hamill cheekily tells the site, stressing that “He hasn’t heard anything officially about it”, though.
Hamill says a Star Wars TV series is a good idea because it would mean it’d probably concentrate more on story than special effects. He said it could be “like Tales of the Jedi Knight – which they do so well in the comics”. He said he’d also welcome the chance to work with his good friend – and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back director Kevin Smith, who is rumoured to be creating the spin-off, but if it did come off, it’d depend on his schedule. The site asked Hamill whether it might follow the rumoured storyline of Skywalker, now older, taking on the Kenobi-esque role of a mentor, and training a young chap. “That was when he [George Lucas] was planning on doing another trilogy after this one [the prequels]. Back in the day he asked me if I’d do that and pass the saber onto the new young hope”.
McCullar: TV and Star Wars don’t mix.
Norty: Not even with Kevin Smith?
McCullar: Star Wars Christmas Special, anyone?
Norty: **Shudder** Just reading about that gave me the chills.
McCullar: Will they be using bong light sabers again?
Norty: You know, I wouldn’t mind it. I’m so tired of being disappointed in Star Wars that if Smith put the bong saber in and made it awesome, I’d like it.
McCullar: And I’m morally opposed to Kevin Smith doing anything Star Wars-related, as it can only mean Ben Affleck will wind up in it.
Norty: Not necessarily true, but Affleck has a worse rap than he deserves anyway. But that’s a WHOLE other issue.
McCullar: When was the last time Kevin Smith did anything without Affleck? The Nixon administration? I swear, Affleck must have photos of Smith in a three-way with you and Kern or something.
Norty: No Affleck in Passion of the Clerks. Something to look forward to.
McCullar: He’ll sneak him in somewhere. Kevin Smith has a better chance of sticking to the salad bar at an all-you-can-eat buffet than doing anything Affleck-free.
Norty: But overall I think a TV show for SW could be good. But we’ll see.
Exorcist Remake in the Works
Wanted: 12-year-old that can consume large quantities of pea-soup, toss it on cue, and spit some very un-christian like words towards a man of the cloth.
Well, more or less. According to Creature Corner, there’s a new Reagan due in town. According to a scooper for the site, Warner Bros are forging ahead with a remake of The Exorcist (1973), with young Dakota Fanning possibly taking over where Linda Blair left off. Jim Cash has apparently wrote the screenplay for the proposed remake, which Focus Features (responsible for Seed of Chucky) are aiding Warner on.
The project is said to be more of a “reimagining” than a remake, says the scooper, adding that Gary Oldman is someone they’re talking about for a role too.
McCullar: GODDAMMIT!!! What the f*ck is it with all these remakes? Can’t they leave a good thing alone?
Norty: No. No they can’t.
McCullar: And the folks responsible for Seed of Chucky are being entrusted with The Exorcist? THE EXORCIST?!?!?
Norty: Yes. Yes they are. Vent. It’s understandable.
McCullar: I’d rather see Ed Wood’s decomposing ass remaking this than them.
Norty: Gary Oldman being involved has my hopes high.
McCullar: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Dawn of the Dead. The Evil Dead. These bastards are killing me.
Norty: Well, not high. But not totally hopeless either.
McCullar: Gary’s good, but some things you just can’t resuscitate. I’m sick and tired of studios feeling the need to remake classic horror films for a bunch of whiny-ass teenagers who have the attention span of a gnat. Go rent the f*cking DVD! Jesus Christ, I sound like my dad. Let’s just move on before I burst a blood vessel.
Norty: Amen. I can’t even say anything else.
More Ninja Turtles?
The Ninja Turtles are eyeing a return to the silver screen. The official Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles site says a third sequel (to the live-action series) is in the works. “We’re currently working with a studio on a new film. If we can come to an agreement on the script and they can find a distributor for the movie (neither of which are guaranteed), we hope to have a new movie in theaters in 2007”.
As an interesting note, a couple of years back, Director John Woo was working on a new “Turtles” pic – which he was hoping to film with CGI. It never panned out.
McCullar: What. The. Fuck.
Norty: Well, I was briefly giddy there, as I saw my younger years flash before my eyes. I grew up on the Turtles man.
McCullar: *Shudder* Two words for you: Vanilla f*cking Ice. Now I understand why Corey Feldman’s trying to distance himself from Michael Jackson.
Norty: Well, if you take him out, you had some kick ass films. Man, if they market to the 18-30 year olds and go the darker way, like the comics, it could really be something special.
McCullar: He needs the gig.
Norty: Yeah well, I say I’m interested if they go serious material, but totally turned off if they just sequelize it as a joke to make more money.
McCullar: Come on. Do you really see them making the dark, Disney-unfriendly version of the TMNT? Now, if John Woo had still been involved, I’d be interested.
Norty: No. But I can dream. And speaking of dark, why don’t you tell everyone about that Leonardo costume you’ve still got hanging in your closet? Adult size, I might add.
McCullar: Your mom bought that for me. She’s a bit freaky.
Norty: Again with the lame-ass mom jokes? What site do you think you’re writing for here son?
McCullar: This is for a site? You’re not with Adult Video News?
Norty: **Sigh**
McCullar: Dammit, and I just polished my paddle collection…
Norty: ……
Norty: NEXT!
More Superman Casting Rumors
Superhero Hype (www.superherohype.com) reports that director Bryan Singer’s Superman movie may have landed an all-star cast comparable to that of the original 1978 film.
The site claims that Oscar-winner Daniel Day-Lewis will play Superman’s biological father, Jor-El, and oft-rumored Famke Janssen as his wife, Lara. Reportedly cast as two of the film’s three villains are rumored contender Jude Law as General Zod and Kevin Bacon as John Corbin, a.k.a. Metallo. Barry Pepper is said to portray a Daily Planet reporter “who becomes Clarke’s [sic] rival after his return.” The site also confirms Kal Penn’s casting but claims he is not playing Superman’s best friend, as previous reports said, but rather an “earring wearing, tattooed punk that serves as Luthor’s right hand man.”
Superman Homepage (www.supermanhomepage.com) spoke with Penn’s publicist who said that Penn “has actually been cast as a character called ‘Riley’, Lex Luthor’s lead henchman.”
Superman-V (www.superman-v.com) reports, however, that SHH’s casting rumors are “all false. No Daniel Day Lewis. No Jude Law and no Bacon. Famke did meet with Bryan but it is unknown what this meeting is for.”
Superman begins filming next month in Australia for a June 30, 2006 release.
Norty: Told you we’d come back to this. Difficult to figure who to trust here though – both sites have solid reputations. And that dream cast would be quite nice.
McCullar: Kumar’s gonna be in Superman?
Norty: Singer the ‘traitor’ is sure pulling out all the stops to make a good movie huh?
McCullar: Bryan Singer’s a step away from making Jenna Jameson’s next porno, so he’d better pull out all the stops.
Norty: How the hell do you figure that?
McCullar: Spacey’s no surprise, but I’ll believe Daniel Day Lewis when I see it. The guy’s a flake. He retires and unretires more than MJ.
Norty: A flake huh
McCullar: Jude Law’s no surprise.
Norty: How the hell is that relevant to Superman or its cast?
McCullar: He’s the Pharrell of Hollywood.
Norty: Seriously, lay it out in the open. Why do you hate Bryan Singer so? Do you feel personally betrayed by his jump from mutants to Supes?
McCullar: I think Bryan Singer is the most overhyped director around, who couldn’t find his ass if he didn’t have great screenwriters propping him up
Norty: Well, we’ll see soon enough. He’s doing everything right so far.
McCullar: Usual Suspects was a classic because of Christopher McQuarrie, not Singer
Norty: You don’t want to go the Usual Suspects way with me….
McCullar: Why? You the real Verbal Kint or something?
Norty: Heh…..I’m taking the high rode here.
Willis Talks Die Hard 4
Just when you thought the Die Hard series might be stalling out again, Bruce Willis gives BBC Radio 1 an update. Willis, who is currently in London promoting his forthcoming actioner Hostage, says that the production may get underway later this year. “Die Hard 4.0 is being written as we speak,” he says, “and if all goes well we’ll be shooting it in Autumn on the east coast of the United States.” We’re not sure what the deal is with the 4.0 title formatting.
“John McClane has retired as a cop, and that’s all that Fox have allowed me to tell you about it,” added Willis.
The script for Die Hard 4.0, according to most recent reports, is being written by Mark Bomback (Godsend). Willis has script approval and he’s also producing via his Cheyenne Productions. Fox has hinted that if the film is successful they could make more Die Hard films after this one.
McCullar: Die Hard With a Walker?
Norty: Die Hard 4.0: Old Men Can’t Use Computers
McCullar: And how is it that these money franchises are being entrusted to hacks? Did you ever see Godsend?
Norty: Thankfully, no.
McCullar: Really, I think I cold garner more pleasure passing a kidney stone than watching that again.
Norty: Oh good. So what you’re saying is Die Hard 4 will be good?
McCullar: I’m saying that it’s time for Bruce to put down the gun and embrace his AARP years. No one wants to see their grandpa on screen screaming “Yippie Kay-yi, motherf*cker!”
Norty: Well, the plus might be he’ll piss off some stuntman actor with his old man demands, and they’ll accidentally (Wink wink) break his hip. Or….that might actually be the plot.
McCullar: Terrorists have stolen his liver pills.
Norty: Die Hard 4: The Race to Retirement
McCullar: Die Hard 4: Goddamn, I’m Broke.
McCullar: Die Hard 4: My Ex Is Banging Ashton Kutcher
Norty: Eww
McCullar: I mean, what’s next? Rocky 6 or something?
McCullar: …
Norty: ….
Norty: May we have a moment of silence for the credibility of Hollywood. It will be missed.
Norty: And finally, we end this week with JESUS CHRIST! Well, sort of.
Passion to be Re-cut and Shown in Theaters
Variety reports that although The Passion of the Christ is already the ninth highest grossing film of all-time, Newmarket Films hopes to attract a whole new audience who was once deterred from seeing the picture due to excessive violence.
The solution? Cut five to six minutes of the most violent scenes from the movie. The Passion Recut will be released March 11 nationwide, with director Mel Gibson removing a chunk of the most controversial scene (the savage beating he received at the hands of the Romans).
The movie will be released unrated, although it was clear from the MPAA that the movie would still, nonetheless, receive an R rating.
McCullar: Hmmm…What’s the point of a snuff film if you take out the snuff?
Norty: Picking the pockets of gullible movie-goers just in time for Easter.
McCullar: Here’s an idea…release that motherf*cker in ENGLISH!!!
Norty: Ain’t no one more gullible than a Catholic. Or, most Christians in general, really. Trust me, I know.
McCullar: I dunno…your mom seemed pretty gullible to me.
Norty: Actually, that wasn’t my mom. That was Coogan’s sister. I’d start puckering up those ass-kissing lips of yours and pray you have a job in a week….
McCullar: If so, then I’ll gladly kiss Coogs buttocks for a chance to tap that ass again. Hmmm…sex and crucifixion…Sounds like a Marilyn Manson video.
Norty: Or a Mel Gibson wet dream.
McCullar: Could be worse…we could be getting Mad Max: Beyond Expiration Date.
Norty: Very true. Or a ‘re-imagining’ of Braveheart or…..What Women Want.
McCullar: From shaving his legs to crucifying Our Lord and Saviour…
Norty: In one fell swoop.
McCullar: That’s a career leap for your ass right there. I dunno…The Passion without the gratuitous violence seems like watching a softcore flick on Cinemax.
Norty: Well, ain’t nothing wrong with Skinemax films.
McCullar: Why bother when you can get the Spice Channel?
Norty: Some of us have neither and take what we can get. Funny thing is, some of these people feel closer to God and……I can’t believe this……..absolved of Sin by watching this movie. So now they can bring their children along and cleanse their souls too.
McCullar: I’m pulling for The Passion 2: Jesus vs. Freddy.
Norty: And what of Jason? He won the fight, you know. Technically.
McCullar: Come on. Jason wouldn’t last 3 minutes with The Son.
Norty: But Freddy would?
McCullar: Plus, according to South Park, Jesus only weighs a buck 30. Gotta stay in your weight class.
Norty: WAIT! I got it! Jesus vs. Ash!
McCullar: Boomstick vs. Ressurection? I LIKE IT!
Norty: Hail to the King baby! Think of the MARKETING possibilities!
McCullar: A 10″ Jesus action figure complete with retractable halo!
Norty: I like it. Optional Roman soldier with whip.
McCullar: I’m hoping for the limited edition Barabas myself.
Norty: Ah, I have to end this here, else we’ll just go on all night. Thanks again to special guest news-guy McCullar.
McCullar: Thank you, thank you! I’m here all week! Don’t forget to tip your waitress!
Trailer of the Week: Sahara
The Link: Here
The Analysis:
Michaelangelo “The News is NOTHING Without Me, Bitches” McCullar: Boy, does this have suck written all over it. Even the mighty goodness of Steve Zahn can’t perfume the stink wafting from this steaming pile. I mean, let’s start with the main character’s name. Dirk Pitt? DIRK PITT?!? Is this a major motion picture or a gay porno? And how in the hell did William H. Macy get dragged into this mess? Did they run out of leading ladies for Matthew McConaughay to make a romantic comedy with? Here, I know how we can resurrect Matt’s career. Get Richard Linklater to make Dazed and Confused 2. Otherwise, I think his career will be dead in the water after this bullshit.
Shaun “Sith Lord” Norton: This movie is gonna suck. When I first saw it I thought, Oh groovy, a nice little popcorn flick. But the more I think about it, the less I’m convinced this will turn out to be anything more than a one weekend wonder. McConaughay, what the hell happened? Cruz? PITT?! Are the three of them so desperate for work a project like this sounds good? I can’t think of any other explanation – and I hold out no chance of this being anything worth remotely seeing, even if they put the Hype-Machine behind it.
J “You Left ME Out of the Fucking News AGAIN?!” Kern: REASONS WHY THIS MOVIE COULD BE GREAT: Penelope Cruz may be naked;
The “Ship of Death” to which the trailer refers, may in fact be the cursed ship from Pirates of the Carribean and Johnny Depp may make a quick cameo; William H. Macy may chew enough of the scenery that the remainder of the film will fit comfortably back up the hindquarters of Breck Eisner from whence it came.
REASONS WHY THIS MOVIE WILL NOT BE GREAT: Because none of the above will happen; Steve Zahn may be naked.
Reviews We Sit Through – For You!
Boogeyman – I think it was Mr. Pink who said it best. “A good horror film in January!? HAHAHHAAHHA!” And he’s right. I had the “pleasure” of reviewing this film, and it’s just more of the same from a generation of horror that is slowly killing the genre. Where are you Ring 2?!
The Wedding Date – Travis Leamons writes in to tell you why some decent performances cannot carry a romantic comedy alone. Personally, I don’t think anything will ever surpass Love Actually. But what do I know? Good one Travis.
The Chorus – Ryan Closs hands in his review of this little gem of a foreign film. I had never even heard of it until it got the Oscar nod, but Closs says it’s worth the price of admission and more.
Born into Brothels – Arturo Garcia also reviews another film that might not be that well known, but definitely should be. I was taken aback by its intensity, and all I did was read his review. Great, great job Arturo.
On DVD
Infernal Affairs – Here it is folks – the film that gave Scorsese and crew goosebumps. McCullar reviews ‘one of the best cop films to come along in quite a while.” Given all the hype, I’m definitely going to be checking it out too. Shame about the extras, though.
Okay, you know what, this is nuts. To hell with individual pimps for one person. McCullar went nuts this week on DVDs, turning in some great reviews of She Hate Me, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow(Big time disagreement with him on his story rating for this one), and Stander. **Phew** Tires me out just linking him.
We Even Do Columns!
Kern reviews Saw in his DMR column this week. So bad is this movie, he says, that he had to come up with a brand new system. Now, I saw it and I thought it was pretty good. And then I saw Se7en and saw what Saw SHOULD have been, and if I were to watch it again and rewrite a review, it’d be much different. Kern provides laughs and puts it bluntly: If you have a soul, you won’t like this film.
Campbell reviews last weekend’s box office, showing the kind of crap that debuts in number one when it is force-fed down the throats of the gullable public (TV is a wonderful and cursed thing). Very elaborate review, and a fantastic job. Look for a preview out sometime on Friday.
Brad Torreano and Mondo Culto suck me in and don’t let me go until the end. Seriously, this happens on a weekly basis. It’s really awesome. This week, he finally puts his feature on Peter Jackson to print, and boy does that guy have one interesting movie past. Anything else I say would take away from Brad’s awesome work, so check out Mondo Culto XIII: Braindead, or Dead Alive?! and do it quick.
Tal Aulbrook tackles the not-so-tricky subject of video game movies, and does a bang up job on it too. Is it that hard to make a good movie based on a good game? Check out Reel Talk this week, but keep something in mind. Talk is my Sith Apprentice. You know it to be true.
Michaelangelo McCullar loves to rip on me, but who was bitching and moaning that the Canadian always fills the hole Kern leaves? And who listened to me and shortened the damn cast listings in his columns? Oh, let me think – it was McCullar. That’s okay – I know you have this pride problem, so I don’t take much of it personally Michael. This weeks Perfect Film is The Killer, and one I’ve never seen. That drinking game sure sounds fun though. Hmm.
Special Guest Rant: Michaelangelo McCullar: **PG-13 Warning**The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Dawn of the Dead. The Evil Dead. The Exorcist. What do these films have in common? All are classics of the horror genre, and all either have been or are about to be remade. Let me ask this: would someone out there have the balls to try to remake Citizen Kane? Of course not. But these sonsofbitches see the success of other horror films and, rather than try to generate an original thought, they decide to go f*ck with a classic. It’s not even the same as them remaking a foreign horror film for US audiences, because God knows our semi-literate population can’t be expected to deal with subtitles. I mean, what the f*ck? If you’re dying to see The Exorcist, get off your ass and go rent the damn DVD! And people wonder why film quality had been on the decline. It’s because studio heads keep trying to market films for teenagers with the attention spans of gnats. Kids hear about films like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but don’t want to sit through grainy, jittery images on the screen. So Hollywood hires some f*cking video director to remake the film as a slicked-up, polished version. Guess what, slapnuts? The grainy, jittery feel is part of what makes the film A FUCKING CLASSIC!!! So please, I’m begging you, stop this right now. Go find someone with a bit of imagination and create new films for us to watch. Stop the mangling of our beloved films. Or else I’m gonna get a hockey mask and machete and go Vorhees all over your collective asses.
The End
Next week should be interesting, as we may be debuting some new ideas and toying around with some things. Or not – you never can tell with us. Guess you’ll just have to stick around and see. ^_^
Until next time……
