In Memoriam: Arthur Miller. Great playwright, and got Marilyn to boot.
Damn, am I trashed. It’s been one helluva week, let me assure you. I’ve been going to bed at 6PM most nights. I’m just glad it’s over and it’s the weekend. Nothing in the news that’s interesting, of course. That f*cking asshole Prince Charles had to wait until Thursday to announce that he’s marrying Godzilla…sorry, Camilla, which blew the Wednesday column all to hell. Well, I hope they suffer for that. A British study is saying that St. John’s Wort is as effective as treating depression as Paxil, and with less side effects. In other words, I can still get an erection with St. John’s Wort. The Japanese are saying that US beef is spiffy-neato for import, under certain conditions, but they won’t drop the total ban until at least summer. The Pope’s out of the hospital, Carly Fiorina’s out of HP, LokiTorrent’s out of business, and I’m out of shit for this introduction. So let’s move on to the show…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Eddy Guerrero over Kenzo Suzuki (Pinfall, frog splash): No matter how much you love Eddy, you have to admit that this was a bad fit of styles, not to mention a poor match altogether. If they wanted to rely on Eddy’s huge fanbase in Japan to give a pop to the opening of the show, they failed. You could sense the crowd dying during this match because of the apathetic attitude the crowd had toward Suzuki. Compare this to the response to Tajiri on Raw. They tore the roof off for Tajiri. They yawned at Suzuki.
Looks like someone’s in denial
And he seems to be mildly pissed off about that
Yeah, he’s pissed
He isn’t, though
Doug Basham and Danny Basham versus Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak, Tag Titles Match (ND, Taker-ference): Oh, yippie, another “Who’s The Face?” match. And the sight of Doug Basham playing Ricky Morton was very, very disconcerting. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but UT saved us all from this abortion. See, he can do something good once in a while.
Jindrak playing “Doug Basham’s My Bitch”
Now UT plays “Mark Jindrak’s My Bitch”
Sho Funaki over Chavito, Cruiserweight Title Match (Pinfall, tornado DDT): I think this is the longest match that Funaki’s had since he was in Kaientai. The question, of course, is “Why the hell doesn’t he get this length of match when he’s in the US?” More Funaki!
It’s not nice to choke a guy in his home town
You also shouldn’t grab another guy’s ass in his home town, unless, of course, he gives you permission
Because this is what happens to you if you do that
John Cena over Orlando Jordan, Number One Contender’s Quarterfinal Match (Pinfall, F-U): My God, they let Jordan get some substantive offense in. Normally, you’d expect something like this to be a squash. However, if you were actually expecting Jordan to win this, you must be new. This is the Road To Wrestlemania, and Cena has to confront High-Quality Speaker Boy. Well, at least the Cena/Angle match at No Way Out will be mildly interesting. Let’s see how well Kurt can carry this load.
This isn’t the time or place to steal a kiss from Cena, Orlando
And apparently Cena took exception to this
And it’s time for the resthold…
Torrie Wilson over Hiroko, Kimono Match: I don’t think I should dignify this with any kind of recap or opinion. I’m too damn old to do that, so I’ll let all you fourteen-year-olds of all ages among my readership fill in the gaps.
Hiroko emotes while Kenzo gets horny
Certain people with no taste will get upset if I don’t post a picture of the Ten-Buck Tramp in her kimono
That’s one very determined-looking Hiroko
It’s not the green mist, but it’ll do
This may be the most physical kimono match ever
That is one f*cked-up bra
Kurt Angle over Rey-Rey, Number One Contender’s Quarterfinal/Semifinal Match (Submission, AngleLock): Anyone else miss the Kurt Angle Invitational this week? I can imagine the “hometown heroes” that WWE could have got on a one-night contract. Angle versus Kawada, perhaps? Enough musings, on to the match. Very unusual construction to this one. The first half of the match was pure mat-based, and Angle’s a grandmaster at that, so it was entertaining and wouldn’t elicit a “boring” chant even from a Philly crowd. Then, there was a well-paced transition into Rey-Rey’s aerial moves, which showed off Angle’s ability to counter said with some effort. Neither guy looked weak, and they made it look like it took everything they had to beat the other guy. This is a match that the Toyko crowd could easily understand. And it was probably a good watch for Americans as well.
Yeah, wrestling’s not homoerotic
Like this is going to work
Oh, shit, he’s doing it again. Stop it, Rey-Rey!
Haven’t people figured out by now not to sunset flip Rey-Rey?
You’ll believe that a Mexican can fly
Except he doesn’t want to fly like that
The Tree of Woe demonstrates nicely how short Rey-Rey is
Angle catches the 619
Now Rey-Rey hits it
Angle Developments:
And We Were All Wondering About This…: So it looks like Luther Reigns is next up on UT’s menu of people who don’t dare oppose him when he says “You’re jobbing to me”. I actually feel quite sorry for Luther, really. No matter what, not even he deserves the UT Treatment.
(Please note that I wrote this before the announcement of the match was made. Jesus, do they telegraph things or what?)
Luther sets himself up for a vanishing act after UT takes care of him
And You Thought I Was Bad On Drugs…: Given High-Quality Speaker Boy’s behavior after being shot by the dart gun, I’d say the thing was loaded with Hillbilly Heroin. Actually, this plays to High-Quality Speaker Boy’s forte. He was never more entertaining than when he was pretending (?) to be drunk while in APA. Who cares if it was a setup? It was a nice flashback while it lasted.
With Amy Weber temporarily pissed off, Joy gets stuck doing T-Shirt duty
Okay, so she’s more pissed than we’ve been led to believe
Apparently High-Quality Speaker Boy was the only male wrestler to not treat her like dirt
More fun with drugs. And with pissed-off divas.
They had to put High-Quality Speaker Boy on something very powerful to make him agree to do this shit
Something even more powerful than I first thought, given the sight of that underwear
And I’ll say “screw Impact” for this week, since this is a rare occasion that I can get this thing in on a Friday (nearly 6PM CST as I’m wrapping things up). Join me and some other guys who, unlike me, were not perfect in the Royal Rumble prediction category, for the That Phil Collins Song Round Table this weekend, and I’ll see you next week for more fun and games.
